When good sex goes bad: seeking the female perspective

This is my second post, first new thread.  Let me just plunge right in.   Since my surgery last December, my wife has lost her sex drive. We had a highly active sex life prior to surgery, and I honestly believed we would find new pleasures on the other side. That belief helped me remain optimistic and cooperative from the beginning. But the reality has been quite disappointing for us both. I guess I was just being delusional--or maybe naive.   Two weeks after the catheter was removed, my surgeon recommended that we try Caverject. The results were pretty dismal. Not only was my cock (so sad to call it that anymore) painful and pathetic, I leaked and, at orgasm, sprayed. Intercourse was impossible. We were, understandably, pretty dicouraged by the experience. But over the next few days we continued to try and, finally, I succeeded in getting a semi-hard erection, which provided orgasms all around. What a wonderful night that was! But, because the pain persisted, I decided to try Muse. Nothing. My options were getting limited.   I started to get depressed.   After a couple of weeks of abstinence, my wife and I were making out, and she got that look in her eye. Being typically male, I grabbed a syringe, increased the dose, and gave myself another injection. The result was a raging purple monster, but it hurt so much I couldn't focus on intercourse. I had to endure almost 4 hours of intense pain before it went down. Needless to say, we were both terrified.    When I told my doctor about it, he prescribed a tri-mix solution. I followed his directions precisely, and, after a couple of failed attempts, ended up with the same painful 4-hour ordeal. I refuse to go through that again, so I bought a pump, which I'm practicing with in private.    Sadly, I think all the awkward and artificial trappings as well as the failures, the urine, and the double priapism have broken my wife's spirit. We still make out, but there's little sexual contact at all anymore. It's just so painfully awkward: she's broke and needs my support, but I'm broke and need affirmation. After 14 years of sexual bliss, we are, I fear, beginning to drift apart.   Any insight into how to regain our bliss--or at least to find some mutually satisfying middle ground--would be appreciated.   Thanks,   Silkflour

Aw, c'mon folks......39 hits and only 1 reply for a man asking for a little support? We can do better than this!!!!!

I respect the fact that every situation is unique, but I will offer my perspective for what little it might be worth....lol.

I had surgery a month to the day before you did...am still incontinent although making GREAT progress the past few weeks...started at 12 pads a day, now down to about 1/3 of a pad a day.

I had a hernia to deal with that set me back some...a second surgery 8 weeks after RP surgery....but the approach that we have taken is the following:

1. Start feeling like a human again (get past my second surgery).

2. Get the incontinence under control

3. Use Viagra and the pump for therapy once the incontinence got much better, as it has the past 3 or 4 weeks.

4. Start trying bimix injections, with the understanding that it might take several tries to find the right mix.

We have not tried sex and will not until I start the injections, which is probably one to two months out.....unless of course I suddenly start having erections without injections.

For us, this slower approach seems to be working fine emotionally and physically....although I realize that it might not for others.  We want to take our time, be patient, and have successes along the way to what will hopefully one day be a full ED recovery.....and minimize frustrations for both of us.

If that means that we don't have intercourse again until May or June, no problem.  We are thankful to be alive and are looking forward to the first time since surgery, whenever that turns out to be.

Hang in there and good luck to you!!!

Hello Silkflour,

Here's my female voice on the subject! 

Amen Danmanbob! If that means that we don't have intercourse again until May or June, no problem.  We are thankful to be alive and are looking forward to the first time since surgery, whenever that turns out to be.

We feel exactly the same way.  Happy to be alive and have so much to be thankful for.  We feel like we've been handed a second chance in life.  Sex is such a small part of our life and marriage compared to other more important areas.  We too had a very active sex life, but we went into this knowing the possible consequences and are patiently waiting for him to heal and hopefully gain back some of what he had before surgery.  If it doesn't happen it doesn't happen, it's not going to change anything between us.  We are still very close and intimate, and find that humor helps a lot. My husband had a partial nerve sparing surgery, and so far there's no sign of an erection.  We still have sex, but without intercourse, and the orgasms he has now are very intense and enjoyable for him. Sometimes we have to take a different road in life, but the destination is still the same.  I'm going through menopause, or mentalpause somedays!  That has diminished my sexual desire too and requires more stimulation and foreplay, and now his desire is much less also. But it's not causing any stress for either of us, it's life.  We're just taking the other road for now, and it can get a little bumpy at times, but it's okay.. we have 4 wheel drive. Buckle up!

It sounds like you are trying too hard.   Relax and be patient that all good things come to those who wait.  The best thing you can do for you and your wife is to talk about your feelings and frustrations.  I could live the rest of my life without intercourse and still be totally sexually satisfied. I'm so proud of my husband and how he's handling all of this. I know it's hard for a man to not be able to perform, but really... it's okay. I can't speak for all the women, but I won't mind at all if he ever gets another erection.  I still love him just the same and think very highly of him.  He's my best friend and we are in this together to the end.  I think this has brought us even closer if that's possible. 

Best of luck to you.

Marie

Hi Silkflour

You are echoing the feelings of many people who come to this forum and probably thousands of others who haven't found this supportive group. You have been given good advice here.  I am over a year past surgery and my hope for a sexual recovery has still not been met. Fortunatly my wife and I have found many ways to satisfy each other.  However, it is not like it use to be.  Part of that has to do with getting older.  I don't think I saw your age, but if you are 42 your expectations will be much greater than if you are 58. That is a reality that we all face even if we don't have to deal with cancer. I am an older but active guy past 60.

It is common to try to push the envelope when it comes to regaining sexual function, but you do need to try to step back and wait for a while.  That should not mean no sexual contact, in fact you should try to stay close and intimate with your wife.  penetration and intercourse is not all there is to sex.  I admit that I would love to not need to inject or pump or take pills.  But as long as they are doing something I will continue to keep trying.

I am now using a bi-mix injection.  The pain is gone.  It is a work in progress.

Keep trying, things will improve. Communication helps...tell your wife how you feel, and ask her what she needs.

Hi Silkflower,
I am about 3 weeks post catheter. We have attempted intercourse with the pump and two rings and have been successful on occaison. As far as the spraying of urine is concerned, I have used a condom to coorect the problem. According to my Uro, leaking is very common early on when attempting sex. Once you gain some continence control it will change. Be patient. We too had a terrific sex life before surgery and it was somewhat of a shock afterwards. Check on this forum about Incontinence and sex. I believe you can get there by clicking on the second line of the forum, "Prostate Cancer Resources". There are a lot of threads about how each one of us deals with the problem. Good luck and don't despair

As you can see you are not alone. Welcome to the best site on the web for patient to patient interaction that I could find in my time of need. Using Caverject so soon after surgery is rare. I certainly hope your doctor advised of that. Take it easy and give it more time. The advice above is consistently encouraging you to be patient. For some the return to active sex life is quick, and for others it's a worrisome process because they have a discouragingly slow progress. If your initial attempt would have worked, you would have been at light speed. Stay with us, and we will be here to lend support, ideas, and experience. God Bless you and good luck.

Tony

Amen Vals wife,
I'm about three weeks off the catheter like your hubby. We had a good sex life prior to surgery. Now we improvise until the real thing comes back. I'ts not that bad for now. I'm alive and thats important. As the saying goes, "what good is an erection on a dead man".

Joe

Hi Silkflour,
I wouldn't sweat worrying about that kind of post. We are tossed into this emotional whirlpool and have to find our way out on our own. So making knee-jerk comments or anything like that is something I've seen this site turn around before. You are so right about these folks. Wisdom, gentleness, and friendship is what you have found. Friends experienced in what you may need help with. We are very glad to have you here. God Bless and stay with us. You will get help, and even give it. That part has a profound effect as well.

Tony