Grief

Upfront let me state that my problems are small compared to those faced by many here.  Every day I thank G-d for my blessings, which have been plentiful.  But it is a perversity of human nature that we cannot be satisfied with what we have.

At six months, I find myself grieving.  Part of it is sexual.  After a good start, I seem to be loosing, not gaining (though I have strong hopes that time will help).  I have slid into the category of men who need strong constant stimulation to become aroused, and my body seems to have forgotten how to slip over the line into the unstoppable ecstacy of orgasm.  My wife has been a truly supportive partner, and has not voiced any complaints.  But the times are now a memory when she would open up in readiness to me as a woman does to a strong man, where she could let herself go and I could give to her.  This goes to the core of how we men define ourselves.  To have to lay back and be 'administered to' causes shrinkage of our soul and diminishment of our sense of self-worth.

The other part is physical.  To the outside world, I appear the same.  But inside, I know I've taken a knock.  It simply aged me.  Impossible to quantify, but on the smooth curve of life I would say it took something like 2-5 years off of my lifetime.  I feel older.  I don't step up so quickly to the more rigorous tasks at work, field trips with long hours.  I guess it is the 'step-change' nature of it compared to the smooth aging process that makes it stand out.

Would I do what I did again, the robotic and such?  Yes.  Of course.  I think it was the best choice given the circumstances.  To engage in "I wish I didn't do that" thinking is really a substitute for "I wish I didn't have PC".  Before the procedure I knew that it was the quality of life, not its continuation, that worried me.  And now I know the answer.  As I started out above, truly I am grateful for the blessings that G-d has bestowed upon me.  I am grieving, but I have grieved before, and I know that this too shall pass.

Gerbe,
Sometimes we forget the reasons that took away the things you are missing now. We have a horrible disease that if left untreated will kill us. We had to stop it but, the cost in quality of life is very high. For me, 4 months after surgery, I'm just barely continent. Sex has to be planned ahead of time, no more spontaneous love making. Because of my aggressive cancer, I wanted my doctor to do whatever was necessary to get the cancer out and that meant removing the nerve bundles along with the prostate. Did I make the right choice? I don't know but, As long as my PSA remains undetectable I'm satisfied. I chose life over pleasure and I'm grateful for that. Every day when I wake up, I thank the Lord for being alive and feeling well, playing golf, enjoying my grand children and my friends. I do miss what you mentioned but that is the price I had to pay.

Gerbe, I have complete ED so far, fortunately my wife and I after 46 years of marriage at our age, were moving towards a happy state of our love life becoming shall we say less frequent. However it was strange at first to find that after the op when I cuddled her, or she me, no arousal took place, I am wistful and a mite sad at this, but this, among other things, is the price that I have to pay, I have discussed this with my wife, and all she want's is to have me here with her.

These things are important to me, I am still alive, I feel well, I can fish, ride my bike, garden, play bowls, and the other day I was sitting in a chair, on my property, under a clear blue sky, thinking how fortunate I am, today, I went to see 4 of my grandchildren, the joy of them running towards me, and jumping into my arms, takes my breath away, so I feel that although one part of my life is gone, I thank God for all the other things that I can and still do experience.

Just my thoughts, regards Mal.

I feel a GROUP HUG coming on…

Heck I’m happy to just be alive

What little grieving I’ve done has been more like self pity. I haven’t been on a date in several years. Before surgery I was ready, willing and able to perform my manly duties should the right person come along.

Now I have ED to deal with. At what point after meeting someone do you bring it up? “Hi, my name is Steve…I’d like to rock your world but I can’t!!” Well, actually I can, but we have to go to my place first so I can raid the refrigerator and get my Tri-Mix.”

I’m not overly concerned about needing to use Tri-Mix. I mentally resort back to a lesson I learned from my shrink: “Find joy and happiness in all areas of life but the opposite sex. Fill your own cup up first.” So that’s what I’ve been doing. When I meet the right person I’ll know what to say and when to say it. As long as she doesn’t laugh and say she wants a real man – we’ll get along just fine

Greetings, everyone. Gerbe, you have said it well.  I do find myself feeling sorry for myself on occasion - mainly for what I have lost physically.  If you let it get to you it certainly can affect you in ways you don't want it to.  I am grateful that every time I get down, something happens to pull me out.  Often it is my wife and her great support.  Like Dale, I also have a missionary background and so my faith helps.  Like Dale, I also understand and support our commitment for this not to be a board about religion and I respect that.  But there are subjects that come up - and this is one - where it is hard not to mention faith and the role it plays for many of us in our healing.  Let me just say that the Lord has never promised us there would be no valleys - and prostate cancer can be a pretty deep valley - but He has promised us that when we are in those valleys He is right there with us.  I am grateful for that promise. 

There is not a lot we can do about the choices that we have had to make in dealing with the cancer.  Yes, I'm glad to be cancer free at this point and I'm grateful for my wife and family and friends as they encourage me and walk through this with me.  David

Beautiful post.
I believe that we have simply been living His plan and that really takes the anguish away. I will keep up the prayers for our membership for peace and love to continue to grow mach faster than any cancer could. And also for continued healing for all.

May God bless you, and thank you for your post.

Tony

To All of You Guys Who Answered This Post:
I know exactly what you're going through or went through. I too felt that I had lost an important part of my life when I realized that I never again would be able to just jump in the saddle with great joy and merriment and have fantastic sex. Even bad sex feels good (grin). Yes, I understand the grieving, I really do. And I grieved too. I mentioned to my personal phsycian that at times I was a little depressed following my surgery. She assured me this was normal for both men and women. In our culture and society, we are so defined by our penis and it's abilities, or our breasts and curves, that to lose those definitions makes us feel as if somehow we are "less" men or "less" women. But I believe in dealing with problems with a little bit of a sense of humor. And I'm able now to laugh at being a Prostateless Wonder. I share this humor with my friends and family and it has astonished me how many of them have laughed with me and THEN told me of their deep, deep concern for me. I'm still a man. I garden. I swim. I'm active. And for the time being, sex and orgasms are beyond my reach (although I hope it won't always be this way), I have a deep and extremely rich relationship with my partner of 27 years who is extremely supportive. As a matter of fact, we BOTH have medical issues. Mine being, obviously, surviving prostate cancer, but he has MS. Just the other day, we were saying to each other that oddly enough, although we thought we were as close as any two people could ever be, my cancer and his MS have somehow made us even closer. Our relationship is almost tangible, at last according to our families. We look after each other. We help each other. We live for each other. We love each other. We laugh together. We cry together sometimes. But we STILL have each other and ultimately that's the most important thing of all. Yes, I miss the nights of wild or gentle love-making, the glow afterwards, and I miss snuggling up to him and NOT getting aroused. I miss those things very much. However, I can feel the light of his love the moment I walk into the room where he is, and more so now than ever before. Yeah, I feel like I've lost something important to me, but I also feel that in an odd way, I've gotten something richer and more rewarding in return.

Gerb, the Christian missionary Jim Elliot wrote the following words:

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose"

You gave up your cancer which you cannot keep, that you may gain life which you cannot lose! It's that simple. Forward Ever!

Hey Tony, I have a big pizza oven too, cooking for 20 adults & unknown number of kids,this weekend, come on over!!

Regards Mal.

My father had a RB long before nerve sparing surgery was possible. He was 52. Only 2 of us kids had even graduated from high school. I never heard him speak about the effects of the surgery and never pried. He was a proud man and it was none of my business. My mother alluded to things on occasion, however, which gave me her perspective. To her everything else was secondary to simply having him around. I don't believe they ever second guessed the decision and enjoyed a rich 34 years afterwords.
This, of course, colored my own expectations and I've been mentally prepared to loose everything if I ever got PC. I see anything after surgery as a bonus and a gift that I wasn't expecting.
I'm just thankful that I live in this day and age. I count 2 ways I would have been dead and another couple that would make me a cripple before PC even came up. All in all I'm mighty blessed.