Emotions and Feelings

Well, Mel, give you credit. In your own words, you described accurately how most of dealt with where you are at right now. You are right, a roller coaster of ups and downs with your feelings and emotions. Not asking this to be nosy, but do you have someone in your life to help you through this, i.e. spouse, domestic partner, children, real close friends?

Even with a good wife, who happens to be a nurse, my adult age children close by, it was still hard going through all of this journey so far. I really feel for anyone that life's circumstance make them do this alone.

You are right about the job part. If you have a busy job that you love, you work it as long as you can. It distracts your mind from obsessing about pc and your future with it. I was and am, unemployed the entire time I have been dealing with PC, its rough, as you have endless time on your hands, and too much time to think about things. Different kind of poison I think.

Your thought process tells me you are on the right track. For starters, stay with us here at HW, keep learning, I think you know by now our support is the real thing. Real friendships are being made here, I will testify to that first hand.

When you have any negative feelings, just type them out here, they will be read, and they will be understoon.

My best to you.

David in SC

Mel,

It's all natural and just like the choices we make on dealing with PCa, they are individual.

In my own experience, I was not overwhelmed by it. And am still not today.

Mine may be unique however. I have been dealing with my wife's cancer for 4 years. She has run a far greater gamut of treatments and complications than I will ever have to deal with. My PCa is relatively minor to hers. I am not minimizing PCa by any means, but I really have to put it into my own comparative world.

As you have found peace at work, I also found a sense of peace at mine. The only time I have felt in complete control while dealing with my wife's cancer and lately mine, is when I am one the ball field umpiring a college baseball or softball game. That is the one place I am in complete control for that short period of time. No matter the actions or circumstances, how I handle the situation is in MY control. It is also the only place that I can be free not to think about cancer. The situation dictates and demands my full level of concentration. So I understand your peace at work very well.

Nothing you are going through is unique in the world of cancer. It is only unique to your world at this point in time. As marriage was unique to you in the beginning and the birth of your first child, it cannot help but become all consuming. But as you adjusted to the new job, the new wife and the new child, it subsides at being at the front of your thoughts continuously.

It is there and to some degree will always be there. However, it will leave your utmost levels of priority for longer and longer periods of time. You can't allow it to stay at the forefront and lead the Quality of Life that we all strive for whether we are dealing with cancer or not.

But this is just my own experiences in this world.

Sonny

Hi Mel,

An interesting post. I guess we are all different in the way we initially react to the news at first and then later, once the concept of having cancer has fully sunk in.

My initial thoughts were entirely negative and I was, for a few days, planning how best I would ease my way out of this world when things got too bad. Then, a strong pragmatic element seem to take over and, with the help of websites like this, I began to learn as much as I could about the enemy. For me, this seemed to be an effective therapy.

From then onwards, and particularly since I had my treatment (HIFU) five weeks ago, I have found myself in the slightly perplexing situation of genuinely finding it difficult to be too concerned. There were a few, fairly brief periods of slight depression during my three months of hormone treatment, which I guess is to be expected, but aside from that I have found it difficult to really get to grips with the fact that I have a disease, which may or may not have been put into remission.

Life goes on pretty much as normal.  I feel as though I am in good health now that the side-effects of hormone treatment are finally starting to recede, and although I guess that having PCa is pretty much always in the back of my mind, it doesn't inflict much on day-to-day living. This actually slightly concerns me, because occasionally I wonder how I'm going to react should it be found that my cancer is still active and needs further treatment. I assume that when my first post-treatment PSA test results are due, I shall be feeling somewhat differently than I do now, and no doubt also with subsequent PSA tests as time goes by, but at the moment I feel surprisingly 'serene' about the whole business.

I live alone, and although I have many good friends who have been fantastically supportive, I do wonder whether it is good or not so good being in the position of having close family around who are constantly, with the best of intentions, maybe inadvertently reminding one about the cancer?

With regard to work, I am now retired. Before retiring my job involved some fairly hard schedules flying to different parts of the world, involvement in high-level business meetings, and a certain amount of pressure. I'm not sure how I would have handled all that at the same time as going through the past few months with a cancer diagnosis. I'm very glad I didn't have to!

My doctor (general practitioner) said to me at an early stage in my diagnosis that I should appreciate that my life would never be the same again. He said this not in a negative way but to emphasise the fact, as you have said, that having cancer turns one's life totally upside down, and means that things will probably not be the same for many years, if ever again.

I can truthfully say that in some ways having a cancer diagnosis has been a good thing for me. It has helped me to put things into proportion. My priorities in life, the importance of friendship, and an awareness that there are so many other people in this world who are in a dreadfully worse situation than I am.

I shall be very interested to read comments from other people. I half expect to see the full gamut of emotions and reactions.

Cheers,

Jeremy

How about the 'jungle, twilight zone, limbo land' for a few adjectives on this. Hopefully you won't face doing hormone therapies and heavier drug protocols....trust me....you will be on here 24/7 with comments, etc. Like Al Pacino in the movie scent of a woman.....'hey I'm just gettin started'.... (hooorah).

The good news is it has control and possible cures, compared to other cancers that literally have little or none. I know that isn't good enough, would you like to trade stats???? I actually have some fun and humor even though facing, knowing I will be luckier than (blank) to win this battle. On the humor side the Government won't be getting my tax dollars(and controlling that much of life) some day....that makes me feel good all over, very comforting.

Try to chill.....someday we all expire, sometimes from stupid unpredictable things as you have witnessed happens in the journey of life.

Post Edited (zufus) : 12/5/2009 9:13:49 AM (GMT-7)

Compiler, I felt the same as you when I was at the stage of this "ride" you find yourself right now. At about 6 months post op, I was able to look back and say "that wasn't so bad". I don't, in any way, mean to minimize the seriousness of PC. I know it depends on the outcome, issues complications we each experience. I feel very blessed to have been spared the complications some have faced while fighting this terrible disease. Having said that, I still fret each PSA test and anxiously wait the results. Early on in my journey, I decided that I would deal with my PC one step at a time. The first step was to decide on a treatment option and doctor. Once that decision was made, I was not going to look back and second guess what I had no control to change. Step # 2 was to play the cards I was dealt from the surgery. I found my pre-surgery worries moot as I was fortunate to have a very positive outcome.

Wow everyone has hit the nail on the head. I guess the unknown is what is the hardest. Two years ago we had a plan with radiation and Hormone therapy I guess what is so hard right now is what is next or is there a next? My husband and I both feel like there isn't a lot of treatment left out there except for chemo. Guess we will find out on tuesday when we see the doctor. I think we are both scared of what he is going to say. If only his psa hadn't gone up to 4.65. It's just a tough season to be dealing with this as everyone is wishing a "Merry Christmas". OH well sorry for rambling ,but thanks for listening.

For me, it has not been too much of a roller-coaster. I beat Stage III colon cancer six years ago. I promised myself at that point that I would never have a b***h coming about anything. For me, "it is what it is", period. If I beat this, OK. If not, it has been a good ride. A wonderful marriage, four kids and eight grandkids.

Believe me, I want to lick this thing. But it is in higher authorities hands.

On Monday morning I will have my last HDRB treatment. Then it will be a six month wait. My plan is to squeeze every moment out of every day.

You write about "the feeling that this is all a nightmare and you will wake up to find this was a long bad dream."

Actually I have felt that way since the late '60's.

Seriously, I have tried to use getting cancer as an opportunity to practice separating my innate sense of "I" from the experience of an ever-shifting kaleidoscope of thoughts/emotions/sensations. Very tough to do, but getting cancer helps a lot.

If this resonates with you, great. If not, consider putting me on "Ignore."

Zen9

Hi Mel, I can identify with what you said, especially the part about work keeping your mind off it. I was "lucky" as the recession was eating a hole in our manufacturing business and I didn't have the luxury of having a lot of time --- even at home --- to spend it worrying about the cancer. I couldn't do anything about that, but I could do something about the business, so that's where I focused.

Perhaps you can formulate Mel's First Theorem.

Sheldon AKA Sleepless

Mel,

Wan't on the computer yesterday and just saw your post.  When I was told about my prostate cancer it consumed every thought of mine, day and night. I even had a hard time focusing at work (Office job with computers). Once my surgery was over and I got the catheter out then things started to brighten up for me. My first post surgery psa was a hard time for me also. When the doc called and said I had a 0 I actually cried with joy. Now my mind is starting to thing back on it again since I will have my six month PSA test in Feb 2010. Though being on this side of treatment you have a different perspective. As others have said but your feelings into words on this forum. See if you can find a local support group. It helped me to see and meet other men that had been down this road before us. Talk to your wife/girlfriend/significant other what ever you have. I sat down with my wife one night before surgery and had a heart to heart talk with her. It was the most theraputic thing I did before my surgery. If you are religious talk to your pastor or a close friend. The main thing is to continue and reach out as you have been doing.

Larry

Mel,
They'll fix that no belly button issue for you. When I woke up from surgery I found an "innie" where I used to have a "peenie".

It does seem unreal. When they told me my PSA was 17, I was sure it was a mix-up at the lab. I actually felt sorry for the poor guy.

I had double hernia surgery about 10 years before with a mesh. They were still able to do the robotic procedure by going in a little high and and traveling under the mesh. My Uro discussed the procedure with me ahead of time.

I won't tell you to "relax". That would be like someone telling me to "just pee in the toilet".
Sometimes you can. Sometimes you can't. Either way, it feels good to take a shower and start the day fresh.

Good luck to you.
Jeff I'm thinking we should trade screen names. ;-)

You are just like I was before surgery. I lost 20 pounds from stress, etc. I just wanted to start running as fast as I could but I knew that wouldn't remove the cancer. Even post surgery, I find myself worrying about cancer. I was a Gleason 8 post surgery and have been fine for 18 months. Each PSA tests gets better. I have been a forturnate one. I only suffer from ED and worry. I have been blessed with a good recover but I torment myself with what-if's.