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Posted 6/23/2010 2:20 PM (GMT 0)
It's going to be a tough summer. Husband has mets in his right femor and is now experiencing pain. He was told they could do radiation and we have an appointment in July to see chemo doctor. It's really hard, as a wife, to stand by and not push. My husband does not want to see a doctor until the pain is bad enough to require some help. He isn't one to take medication and he feels he doesn't want to get dependent on pain killers and he just doesn't want to go and see a doctor right now. We have had a tough go of it with doctors as our family doctor isn't the most shall we say sympathetic guy and our oncologist is off on medical leave. We don't have a lot of choices for doctors where we live and it really isn't an option to get a second opinion when there isn't really anyone to get a second opinion from and also money is a consideration. I am trying to be strong and let him make his own decisions, but sometimes it's really tough. How do you other wives out there cope. I know it shouldn't be about me, but could use a little help. sad

Husband is 55, Diagnosed 2007 Gleason 8, PSA started at 107 went down, but is slowly climbing again. Had radiation treatment and is on HRT lupron +casodex.
Posted 6/23/2010 2:44 PM (GMT 0)
55
Sorry about the mets the pain and the problems about what to decide, when to decide and how to decide.
I'm not really sure what to suggest as a solution to tjhis very personal side of PCa.

Yes it is about his body and his decisions, but I know, without being in the position that you two are in that PCa stresses you out so that you sometimes feel like you don't actually want to make any decisions or do anything, in part because the action that results from those decisons is yet one more step down the PCa road.

I think that once PCa reaches this stage (when it's about containment not cure) guys need to accept that it has become much more of a team game and the opinions and needs of partners need to be taken ionto account. They don't get out vote, but there can often be a degree of denial where the partners kind but firm guidance steers things quietly down the required route.

From what I've been told RT to tackle bone mets is not like first time RT, it is just a few sessions to zap the area of femur or whatever to slow things down. Yes pain meds is something that seems like a bad way to go, as you may be worried that you will get hooked, but the correct thing is to manage the pain, and that means that if necessary you do it with drugs.

I'm guessing he's scared as well, and that you are too, but I think at this time you have to be honest with each other. Not tough love exactly, but grasp the nettle or whatever metaphor you choose and tackle it together.

My very best wishes to you
Alfred
Posted 6/23/2010 3:31 PM (GMT 0)
55,
Sorry to hear about your and your husbands situation. I too put off taking pain meds and would lay in bed thinking tonight is the night I go to the ER. Had pain pills left over from surgery and saved those so I wouldnt go to our local ER. Had to take 1/2 Lorab for a month after I finally could take no more. But my pain was not from mets. Hopefully in time your husband will chose a different route for his PCa. Take care and hope you find some support for you.
Michael
Posted 6/23/2010 3:40 PM (GMT 0)
Ask him to take the pain meds for You since he won't take em for himself.  If that doesn't work - smack him with a skillet shocked

I watched my boss die a slow death from her breast cancer. It was a big concern for her about what her hubby and three kids were going through. As hard as it was - no one could convince her to not worry about them.

Posted 6/23/2010 4:01 PM (GMT 0)
55 May you and your husband find some peace! Hero
Posted 6/23/2010 4:05 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your reply's. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. My husband is a wonderful man and he hides his pain because he doesn't want me to worry and get upset. Yesterday we had a good discussion and he said he would seak help if the pain gets worse. It seems that if he uses his legs a lot and also when it rains (which we have had an abundance of ) that his leg aches more. At first we thought it was arthritis , but it's too coincidental that it's in the leg that has the met. It's just tough for me to stand by and know there is not a lot I can't do. I guess all our lives together I have taken on the mother role with our kids and with him as I try to fix things and sometimes I guess they're not fixable. It's just really hard for me right now as , like anyone in this situation, I just want him to get better and I know that isn't going to happen.

This is just a good place to vent where there are people who understand what is going on. Until you have cancer you can't realize what it's like , you can sympathies, but you just can't understand. I guess this is one of the tough things is life. I just can't think of not having him in my life. I was 19 when we married and I just don't want to loose him. shakehead So it helps to post on here. Thank you again for letting me express myself it helps me accept what I can't change. I just want to spend our last days, with each other, the best we can and the most optimistic I can be.
Posted 6/23/2010 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
You and your husband need to sit down with one of your doctors, or even a good doctor's nurse, and let him/her explain to your husband, in front of you, the value and wisdom of proper pain management. It is a science in itself. Your husband is only harming himself, delaying healing times, and making himself miserable doing it "his" way, good guy or not. I have been on prescription pain pills daily since October 1 in particular. My doctor monitors me closely, and he knows that I do not take them in the day when not needed, I never drive on them, and he keeps a close count of how much he is prescribing them to me. I never abuse them, or take more than I should. But I can tell you, with constant pain from endless bladder spasms, I would not make it through the next night if I refused to take the meds. If you wait till you are hurting real, real bad, then the effectivness of taking the meds diminishes, so there is no gain or incentive not to be compliant to the med schedues. I speak of this first hand, and my wife is a nurse that deals with a lot of terminal patients, and she would back this up. Your husband just needs to know, that he is only prolonging his suffering by doing it his way, definitely not in his best health interest in my opinion.

David in SC
Posted 6/24/2010 12:05 AM (GMT 0)
I agree with what Dave said and i like the part where Steve said hit him with skillet .
Keep on Keeping on
DEERHUNTER
Posted 6/24/2010 12:33 AM (GMT 0)
55,
First of all, sorry about your husbands mets and pain. I can't imagine what the two of you are going through. I suggest that you tell your husband that your love for him makes his pain become yours. To live with pain when there is something he can do about is not the right thing to do. I wish you both peace.
Posted 6/24/2010 12:38 AM (GMT 0)
This is sad situation and I am so glad you are reaching out to the friends here at HW. There have already been great responses so the only thing I would like to ad is to try as hard as you can to remain positive. Please keep us posted on your journey because we all care more than you could imagine.

peace and love
dale
Posted 6/24/2010 3:02 AM (GMT 0)
55, I'm sorry to read of your situation. I ehco the things that have been said above.

As I understand it, if you have pain, and appropriate medication, you will NOT become addicted to the pain killers.

Also, I understand you need far less IF you take a pain killer early, before the pain really runs away, and IF you keep on top of the pain.

While Steve's skillet has its attractions, may I suggest that before such drastic action that you confront him with his being a testostrone cowboy rejecting pain meds may serve some macho need, his pain is also your pain, and his hurting hurts you in two ways. One, it is painful knowing he is in pain, and two, and a biggie, every minute he is in pain he doesn't need to be is a minute your relationship with him is being needlessly short circuited --- no walks, no talks, no hugs, no normal life, whatever that might be at that moment. His price, is your price as well.

Then, if this line of compassionate reasoning doesn't work you can think about making Steve's skillet plan B.

Sheldon AKA Sleepless
Posted 6/24/2010 12:28 PM (GMT 0)
55, I too am the wife of a PCa guy but we have been blessed with NED (no evidence of disease) since his surgery in March 2008 so I cannot comment on the medical side of your husband's situation.

This is what I would suggest in terms of getting other opinions: I understand that access to 'experts' is difficult for you due to physical (location) and financial limitations. If you can't get to an expert, perhaps you can get an expert to come to you ... via telephone. Is it possible to gather your husband's information (test results, etc.) and contact the closest cancer center of excellence to see if they would review the information and have a phone consult with you? I live in the New York City metro area and have known of several people who spoke with or met a specialist from Memorial Sloan Kettering. Treatment can likely be administered close to home with the specialist overseeing and guiding the local facility. Just a thought - don't know if this is possible for you.
Posted 6/28/2010 1:38 AM (GMT 0)
A great site for support for us wives/partners - we would love to have you join us:  http://www.ladies-prostate-forum.org/ladies/index.php?sid=76dce5b891b75d5a1e74310e33a8ffee
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