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Posted 12/27/2010 5:25 AM (GMT 0)
When i was diagnosed with PC in April this yr i was devastated as i had no symptoms post surgery PSA 9 Gleason 7 so i went ahead with prostatectomy .I realized how important family support will be as i am single (divorced)many yrs i live alone own home but have 3 Adult kids i thought i could rely on.Well here i was Xmas day sitting alone in my wet diaper feeling so down waiting for my kids to ring & say merry Xmas Dad how are you but all i got was silence OH how it hurt.I have tried to be a good Dad but is that how little they care at the moment dealing with PC & RELISE NO ONE CARES IF IM HERE OR NOT LIFE REALLY STINKS.
Posted 12/27/2010 5:43 AM (GMT 0)
Well anyway, welcome to the place nobody wants to be...We won't ignore you..The bonds that tie this group together are pretty strong..

Christmas can be a rough time for many people..Lots' of things going on back-stage for MANY families..But not even a phone call...Ouch...Maybe it's time to do some fence mending or lifestyle changes so next Christmas things will be different...
Posted 12/27/2010 5:47 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Old bomber. I had my RRP late in 2006, that's about the only difference in our histories! I was also divorced many years ago, but never had any children. I know how hard some of the times can get when you're by yourself, especially during the Christmas season. At least you always have the hope that your kids will come for a visit at a more convenient time. I also know from experience that once the holidays are over, life will look a lot brighter again.

I'm not sure why I answered your post. When I read your story, it reminded me so much of myself.

All the best to you and try to enjoy the rest of the holidays as best you can. When you're really down, things can only get better.

Mag

Posted 12/27/2010 5:54 AM (GMT 0)
Old Bomber -

So sorry you are having a difficult Christmas. In my personal experience, I have found that the friends that I thought would be the most encouraging and be by my side the entire time, turned out to be the people that seemed to pull away more. People that I thought would care less, were very consoling and supportive. When people are sick or going through the loss of someone, most people aren't sure of what to say. They are not sure how they can be supportive and help. The people that were the biggest help to me weren't the people that have battled cancer themselves, but were the people that just listened - let me talk and get all of the jumbled thoughts out of my head.

I am very blessed with a close and supportive family and wonderful friends. Hopefully you will be able to reach out to your family and share your feelings. Merry Christmas and may the New Year bring you the love and support you deserve.
Posted 12/27/2010 1:16 PM (GMT 0)
I dont know how to answer this thread. Many friends just dont know what to day or do. It is easire for them to just to denie that there friend has cancer or suffering in any way. Sometimes we have to ve our own advocate. Pick up the phone call a friend or your children and say guys I need you..Most of the time we are way too macho to do that but it could help.

On the other hand you will find that many here are willing to listen and share and enjoy eachother.

I hope the next few days get better for you.

Cajun Jeff
Posted 12/27/2010 1:55 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the Forum and sorry that you've been feeling so bad.

Given that I still don't know how to talk to some people and some realtives about my cancer I think we just have to learn that some people also don't know how to talk to us folk who have cancer.
I have been quite relieved sometimes when children give you an honest response that cuts through all the embarrassed awkward semi-silences, as emptomised by my wife's nephew who simply asked: "Are you dying? What's wrong with you? etc".
And prostate cancer is not an easy cancer to talk about either becasue of the unavoidable association with other things that are embarrassing and awkward to talk about (if not impossible to talk about) when you are healthy eg erections peeing etc.

And looked at from the other direction how many of us would find it easy to talk to our parents about their problems with their sex lives/erections or their continence? I still don't talk to my sisters about the details of my problems.

This is the great thing about letting it all out here at HW, as we are all in very similar situations and can understand a great deal about what everyone else is going through. (Similarly I always talked to people in the waiting room when I was waiting for RT, becasue they were also people going through similar experiences who were easier to talk as strangers who knew exactly what it was like rather than trying to have a chat with a friend who had no idea.

You are not alone in thinking people don't appreciate your position. I have just had a Xmas card from a friend who should know exactly waht it is like, but who nonetheless managed to write that she hoped all my health problems were now behind me.

Cancer doesn't necessarily have to mean you abandon great chunks of your exisiting circle of friends or membes of your family social life etc, but it can mean that you start making new friends from among a select group who have a better idea about what's going on with both your body and your mind.
Alf
Posted 12/27/2010 4:34 PM (GMT 0)

"LIFE STINKS"

No, it doesn't.  But I think that I understand why you might feel that way right now.

As others have said, the holidays are a delicate time from a mental health point of view, and not just for men in the prostate cancer community. 

I spent Christmas with my son - who is special needs, so the support runs exclusively from me to him, not vice versa.  One of the reasons I don't look at HW much anymore is that posts by or about loving wives (partners) remind me of how much is now missing in my life.  I can't even remember the last time I had a hug, and I find I do better if I don't think about it.

But, old bomber, sometimes this is just what life brings.

So be patient; reach out for emotional support to people here at HW if you wish [it's not my thing, but it may help you - some people post many times a day when they need to]; and suck it up until better times come.

There is more I want to say, but the rules of the HW Forum prohibit me from saying it.

Zen9

   


Post Edited (Zen9) : 12/27/2010 10:37:11 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/27/2010 5:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Old Bomber,
Sorry that you've been feeling down in these holidays. I had similar experiences from family members, but I do understand them in being so negative on the matter of cancer. They do not like to talk or listen about it, simply because they do not want to hurt us with improper comments. I recall the sister of my friend PC patient saying that “I am sorry about my brother but I think that he will be better alone in his sorry….”. Yes many people just do that with no harm. They just do it in the best of their intensions.
I like to feel that they care about me but in silence and that gives me joy.

Cheer-up and have a great New Year.
Baptista
Posted 12/27/2010 5:28 PM (GMT 0)
old bomber,

pick up the phone and call the kids, they'd probably be thilled to hear from you, everyone's lives tend to be busy at Christmas. The fact that you have extra time on your hands does not mean everyone is in the same situation. Get out for a walk and some fresh air, you'll be amazed how good it feels.

r 

Posted 12/27/2010 6:13 PM (GMT 0)
Old Bomber
This time of year can be tough for anyone especially those of us with pc. I feel for you and wish for you a wonderful 2011. After looking over your signature you seem to be doing extremely well after surgery and radiation. That in itself is something to be happy about. I recently went through robotic surgery for pc and thought I was doing great until I had a separation at the bladder neck which is causing unforseen problems. On my way to Charleston SC this afternoon to meet with a new uro surgeon to get a second opinion. Each of us have our own battles and victory is the only alternative.
Stay well and blessed
TTaylor
Posted 12/27/2010 6:20 PM (GMT 0)
Old Bomber,

Glad you found us, you don't have to feel alone and alienated anymore. Zen is right, life itself doesnt suck - if anything, its unique and precious, the cards we are dealt in life can suck, that's for sure. Seems like some folks have it all made in the shade, while others suffer constantly. Can't answer that part, but can only say, is to take your cards and deal with them one at the time, and never give up hope. The holidays are rough on people, and no doubt, it would have been nice if your kids had contacted you. But Christmas is over now, and the new year is right around the corner. I have been through a world of sh** the past 2 years, but I keep plugging away in spite of it all. Why? The alternative is worse. Hope you start feeling a little positive soon, and can pull out of these emotionally hard times.

David in SC
Posted 12/27/2010 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
zen9,

you are are a good guy, with a good heart, and you have given me some good advice at times. If I were there, would be happy to give you a hug of friendship. You deserve one as much as the next guy.

David in SC
Posted 12/27/2010 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
>>...Maybe it's time to do some fence mending or lifestyle changes so next Christmas things will be different... <<

the advice no one wants to get but probably the best on this thread. keep your side of the street clean and do whatever you need to do accept your situation and have a positive attitude.  i'm not saying it's easy either.

in general i have been pleasantly surprised by friends and family.  in my darkest days the folks who i consider my dearest friends stuck by me and even reached out to me, but i am a recovering addict and that's just what we do.  and as i improve i notice other "friends" reaching out to me.  i don't know about kids.  don't have any and thus far in my life haven't wanted any cool .

take care!

ed

 

Posted 12/27/2010 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
Old Bomber,

Your name suggests that you've served in the service. If you have, thank you so much for your service.

I have four older brothers who I thought would be more supportive in my battle. However, I have found support in people I would have never guessed as being a great source of encouragement and hope, including people on this site. At first, I was disappointed in my brothers, but everyone deals with things in their own way. They might just be upset that their little brother has this thing called PC.

If ever you need to talk, please feel free to email me.

Jerry L.
Posted 12/27/2010 8:25 PM (GMT 0)

Old Bomber,

Sorry to read about your lousy Christmas. For what it's worth, here is an article, 'Reasons to Be Cheerful', that I read about a year ago, that has helped me many times since. 

http://www.spectator.co.uk/essays/all/11034/reasons-to-be-cheerful.thtml

Posted 12/27/2010 11:58 PM (GMT 0)
Old Bomber,
Sorry that you had such a bad time during what is normally a time of joy and family get together. I can't imagine what it would be like for me if I had a similar situation. It is tough enough to fight PC, fighting it alone is worse. I have four children and sometimes they are so occupied with their own families, work, hobbies, .. that they forget to make that simple phone call. I don't think it is lack of love. Give them a call and I'm sure you will be happy to hear their voices and they will be happy to hear yours.
Posted 12/28/2010 12:09 AM (GMT 0)
Bomber, I have six siblings, most of whom have been very communicative and vocal in their support.  I was disappointed, however, that I hadn't heard from one of my brothers in particular.  He hadn't called, he hadn't emailed.  Finally, I called him and learned he had been wearing a Lance Armstrong "Livestrong" type bracelet on his wrist with my name on it 24 hours a day to remind himself of my trials and to remind himself to say a prayer for me whenever he looked at the bracelet.  He hadn't forgotten me at all.  When I found out what he had been doing, it nearly brought me to tears.  I guess I'm saying that silence doesn't necessarily mean lack of interest and support.

Posted 12/28/2010 4:13 AM (GMT 0)
Maybe it depends on how old they are? When my dad had prostate cancer, I really didn't know anything about it, because I didn't know anything about it, it was difficult to ask questions. Ten years later, (today) and being older, in my opinion I know much much more about it. If I had known then, what I know now,  my dad would have felt much better in talking to me about it. I wish I had done my "research" as soon he was Dx with it, but I can't change the past (and I was an engineering student at the time).
Posted 12/28/2010 2:33 PM (GMT 0)

Squirm, I think you've made an excellent point.  My Dad developed colon cancer when I was about 40 years old.  Yes, I was concerned.  Yes, I loved my Dad.  But, in retrospect, I was a poor excuse for a son in that I did not do a very good job of supporting him, showing my love for him, or in understanding what a cancer diagnosis does to a man's state of mind.  This is something I've very much come to regret, and for which I apologize to my Dad's spirit, in hopes he can hear me almost every day.  Instead of always showing him my love, I chewed him out for his years of drinking, his failure to stick to his diabetic diet, his constant snacking.  I trusted medicine to cure him, and if it didn't, well he was 65 and that seemed pretty old, and old people can't always avoid these health problems.  Often the young are unable to comprehend that their older parents have the same fears and worries that they had when they were young.  In fact, there have been occasions when I've been going through painful or uncomfortable testing that it's occurred to me that inside I felt very much the same way I did when I hurt  myself as a little boy, and that even at 65 I still enjoy being comforted and reassured by my wife and friends.

I see my own kids often in denial, or just too worried about me to ask a lot of questions or to bring up the subject of my cancer.  But, they're much better than I was, and I've seen both of them shed tears. 

I don't know that we can ever expect young people to have the degree of empathy or sympathy for their parents that we now know would be appropriate.

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