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Posted 1/6/2011 1:44 AM (GMT 0)
I have to admit that despite each PSA test being worse than the one before it, I have been doing better emotionally. The previous ones: I could feel the tension increase 2 weeks before. It was a VERY difficult 2 weeks (nervous,, depressed, fearful).

Well, this time I was doing better. In fact, I expected to give blood last Friday and I had only gotten somewhat anxious a few days before. It turned out that the lab was closed Friday so I ended up giving blood yesterday. I could have gotten the results today, but we had things to do and I didn't want to put a damper on it. Tomorrow afternoon I will get the FIGURE, that all-important number that seems to control my life.

I HATE THIS. I am in a bad way tonight. I have gotten so darn pessimistic (borne out by one bad reading after another). Anyway, I just wanted to vent. I have to believe you have all been there. Nervous, depressed, etc....

Time for dinner.

Mel

Posted 1/6/2011 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Mel thanks for writing and sharing your emotions. I would encourage you to find someway to occupy your mind with everything positive you can. It is so easy to become a victim to these darn test results. I know most people get tired of my extremely positive attitude but gosh darn I want to enjoy every aspect of life. As tough as it is do not let this cancer control you it is time to take control of it regardless what the rest result is.
You rock my friend and I am happy you write about your feelings.

peace and love
Dale
Posted 1/6/2011 2:04 AM (GMT 0)
Mel,

We are going to find out in four hours when we see the doctor what the next PSA level is. The blood test was on Christmas Eve and we didn't want it to interfere with Christmas. (We are tracking it monthly to work out the trend).

I think that we all (patients and partners) go through the some anxiety prior to each PSA test result. I imagine this the case even for people whole PSA test has been low and stable for years. All I want is for the number not to have risen again. Flat or lower would be fantastic. And I hope that this will be the case for you too.

It is heartening to see at HW that the news is frequently good even after rises. See our moderator for example, his PSA stayed at 0.09.

An
Posted 1/6/2011 2:13 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Mel -

Best of luck to you on your test results. I do agree with Dale - one of the best things that I did was find things to occupy my mind. I found that when I was witting and watching TV, my mind would wander to thinking about my issues. I tried very hard to stay positive about everything - taking it one step at a time, but it can be overwhelming. The worst time for me was when I laid down to go to bed - my mind would just start and I couldn't shut it off. I found that writing things down in a notebook to get them out of my head. Another thing that seemed to help - talking. Talking about my worries, concerns, thoughts.

Hope some of that helps......hope you find your peace of mind.

Mark
Posted 1/6/2011 2:25 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks folks. Actually, writing it down on this HW site helps.

I've been pretty successful putting it out of my mind and doing other stuff, but the last few days have been tough.

I am normally quite even-tempered, calm, with a good sense of humor (ask anybody).

But... not at the moment.

'nuff said.

Mel

Posted 1/6/2011 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
Wishing you luck, Mel, but don't let it eat you away, it wins when you do that. I have been at peace on the pSa front ever since i put off my last one. i will know soon enough at end of feb, and whatever it is, it will still be the same whether i knew before or not.
Posted 1/6/2011 2:53 AM (GMT 0)
I think your feelings are normal. I tend to worry but know it doesn't help. I wondered if there was a daily PSA test like diabetes test blood sugar if I would do it. I will say after 2.5 years, I still think about and worry about my next test.
Posted 1/6/2011 2:55 AM (GMT 0)
Mel,

As one of my professor friends would say, knowledge gives you power. I jacked with him about that, but then he started on the known knowns, known unknowns, etc., etc.

I'll just use the fact that a psa gives me a known. Just like the "givens" of the algebra and trig questions I did so badly at.

Use the information for what it is worth, not for the fear factor. I suspect you'll be head down with ipod headphones on planning a lecture, and get done in by a delivery truck in a marked crosswalk in a 10 mph zone before PCa gets you shocked

Remember to look both ways before reacting to a PSA test.

 

Posted 1/6/2011 3:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Mel,

My family got me an IPad for Christmas. If you want to forget about PSA, get an IPad. All of the sudden it's 2 hours later.

Mel, you are an intelligent man. You know it is what it is. Just find some stock stuff, papers to grade, solitaire on the Internet, make a trip to Greektown. Just wait until you know what it is.

Good luck.
Posted 1/6/2011 3:46 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Mel. I'm going in tomorrow to give blood for my 6 monthly test and I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately there isn't much we can do about it. Just one of the many benefits of this darn disease.

I'm wishing you a great result tomorrow and hopefully that will make up for the anxiety and worry that you had to put up with in the last few weeks. I'm keeping my fingers x'd for both of us.

All the best to you.

Mag

Posted 1/6/2011 4:16 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Mel,

I'm relatively new to PCA, but feel your pain brother. Think positive. This disease is difficult enough without allowing it to eat away at what we do have. Hang in there friend.

Steve
Posted 1/6/2011 4:33 AM (GMT 0)
I wish I could add something amazing and inspirational. All I have is, live your life not your cancer.

Speaking of planning a lecture while wearing headphones – I am so thankful for cell phones. I used to walk across campus talking to myself and students would say “there goes crazy old professor Geezer.” Now when I walk and talk to myself they say; “Wow, Prof. Geezer has one of those super small Bluetooth headsets”
Posted 1/6/2011 5:04 AM (GMT 0)
Mag, good luck on your test too.
Posted 1/6/2011 1:39 PM (GMT 0)
Good luck Mag!

Post Edited (An38) : 1/6/2011 6:48:18 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/6/2011 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
Good Luck Mel and Magaboo

Regardless of the results, at least the anxiety will be finally over and you will know the direction you are heading. That dang fork in the road is always the toughest.
Posted 1/6/2011 2:52 PM (GMT 0)
Good luck, Mel and Mag. You're both in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted 1/6/2011 3:24 PM (GMT 0)

Mel,

Good luck on your test results I go next Friday and I know this probably will be the one where I make the big decision on HT, but I try not to stress because as I always say to MJ it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it.  She stress's enough for both of us.  Good luck and try to live everyday the best you can.

Jerry1

Posted 1/6/2011 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
Mel and Mat best of luck to both of you.

Dave in Durango CO
Posted 1/6/2011 4:36 PM (GMT 0)
Jerry:

Good luck to you on your upcoming test as well, please let us know what happens.

David in SC
Posted 1/6/2011 4:53 PM (GMT 0)
Good luck for all you guys waiting for results today and tomorrow. Wishing you all zero's, or at least declines.
Posted 1/7/2011 6:57 PM (GMT 0)
Good Luck, Mel!!!!  Peace be with you!!!  Please keep us posted!!!
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