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Monday is on my mind a lot now

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Posted 2/26/2011 8:37 PM (GMT 0)
I am not sure that I would call it the normal PSA test anixety that we speak about often here, but as we are in the weekend now, I can't stop thinking about meeting with my Uro on Monday afternoon.  The main reason for the visit is a close-out session on my September surgery, which for those interested, I have physically healed as much as I can hope for, the rest of it is continual Physical Therapy, probably for several more months, and getting my mind to understand that I will always have this urinary stoma.  Sometimes, I do get deeply depressed about it, and can almost pretend its going to be reversed, but in reality, that's never going to happen.

The secondary subject, of course, is the PSA reading.  Instead of the normal 3 month gap, this one was 6 months from the last one.  My doctor didnt agree with my thinking, but went with my wishes on the delay.  It's not that I am afraid it will be a bad number, another increase or even a sharp increase, both my doctor and I expect it to be one or the other.  And I would love for us both to be fooled, pleasantly, and have a drop or hold-it-steady kind of number, that would be awesome.

Assuming it has jumped up, or up steeply, it will me that the SRT has failed (in 15 months time), and that I will be out of any possibilty of a cure.  I know there are several of you here already in that situation.  Again, my brain has known this might be coming, but if it is here, not sure I am fully ready to deal with it.  The norm is to move on to the arsenal of HT, and see how long things can last like that.  But without getting into that subject on this post, I still have strong feelings of not going down that pathway.

Monday could be a pivotal point for me, and I have said all along in my journey, that until I actually had to cross that bridge, its easy to say what you would or wouldn't do.  I may be crossing that bridge.

Thursday, when I see my GP, which has nothing to do with PC, I may consent after a 5 years abscence, and go back on some kind of antidepressent.  At least until I can sort things out.  I am still fighting my own demons in this battle, I know we all do in our own way.  I didnt realize how traumatized I really was about all that radiation damage, until about a month ago when I had to return to the radiation clinic .  I almost couldnt walk into the place, and seeing the treatment rooms upset me enough, along with the electrical smell in the place, almost flew out of the doors without the records.

To me, it represented a place of extreme pain and terror, even 15 months later.

In closing, we all have our own fears to face, and to deal with.  None of us are exempt from being human.

David in SC

Posted 2/26/2011 8:44 PM (GMT 0)
David,

Anything I've been through pales by comparison to your journey confused   Try and think, some at least, positive thoughts.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Mitch in SC

Posted 2/26/2011 8:59 PM (GMT 0)
Mr. David,

I wish you well and understand the trepidation of any test. I read your bio and OH MY! Is HT out of the question?

Here's to a great result Sir.

Post Edited (Trepidation) : 2/26/2011 2:03:42 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/26/2011 9:20 PM (GMT 0)
David-
You have been such a great source of support and information to us, that I had forgotten what a hard journey you have been on. We will add you to our prayers and send out extra good strong supportive thoughts for you to get good news on Monday.

Hugs to you
Susan
Posted 2/26/2011 9:20 PM (GMT 0)
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

As to HT if any group should be able to understand taking your own road it should be this one. Best of luck to you whatever path you choose. One thing I've learned, if you do what feels right it's really hard to make the wrong decision.


Dave in Durango CO
Posted 2/26/2011 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
David,

I hope Monday brings you some good news. You sure deserve a break after all you have been through.

Be thinking about you.

Sancarlos
Posted 2/26/2011 9:50 PM (GMT 0)
David:
Adding to the chorus of well-wishers -Wishing you all the best for Monday... it is already out in the ether - just waiting for the numbers to be read...

I have spoken about meditation and other forms of relaxation before to you - TM and other spiritual routines -that can calm and elevate the spirit....

- with that in mind, you may be able to find that kind of support through your parish minister or priest - in combination with a chemical uplifting of the snyapse through prescribed antidepressants.


I had been on anti-depressants twice in the 1990's- a period before my late companion's illness and death, and then later on to cope with his death ... and the second time I was not "elevated" as much as in the first session... and my doctor said that was often the case, when antidepressants are introduced again after a time off them....

Depression is an odd thing and often you cannot see the forest for the trees.... that was very obvious recently when someone commented of pix of me from 2009 before diagnosis and surgery... and recent pix .... am working on going back to that pre-diagnosis level ...

Glad you can see the forest and the trees... there is a lot of hope in that...
sincere hugs,
BRONSON
Posted 2/26/2011 10:17 PM (GMT 0)
I would like to say that you don't deserve any more bad news but, I think it's really it's just matter of luck of some sort. So, I wish you the very best of luck and as things have gone horribly wrong for you, maybe they can go better or at the worse, sideways.
I am surprised that you got off antidepressants when it would seem that you might have needed them the most. I don't think anybody gets thru this PCa mess without emotional issues and I know I have had had them, even with comparatively few issues, but worry is worry and in that we all share.
You have helped, or at least tried to help, a whole lot of people that have had concerns ranging from trivial to major and now your pressing issues have come back to the fourfront to dealt with and I wish I could offer something to help, as no doubt all of us do. But in the end all I can offer you is my concern, best hopes and prayer for you.
Ron
Posted 2/26/2011 10:25 PM (GMT 0)
Wishing the best for you David. If the time comes that you have to make a choice on HT you're strong enough to face it and make the right choice for you.
Posted 2/26/2011 10:41 PM (GMT 0)
it is normal to be thinking about everything given all you have been through.  We will all be thinking about you.   You are armed with your knowledge so we will be waiting for your post on Monday.
Posted 2/26/2011 10:45 PM (GMT 0)
David,

Good luck Monday.  Do your  best to remain positive.  As supportive of a contributor as you have been on this forum, you will have a lot of people thinking about you.

Posted 2/26/2011 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks folks, it all helps, and at different times and in different ways, we are all in the same boat. Just different fights on different days. Some have called me strong, and I appreciate the words, but I am really not. Just a survivor type, trust me, I have a low tolerence of pain and suffering - and after what I went through so far - has made me even more gun shy. I am all about pain control at all costs. We fight on, because what is the alternative? Death has each of our names, and at some point, we have to leave when its the appointed time. I don't have a problem with that part.

Due to all the set backs, side effects, and unusual difficulties, this whole PC thing has taken a much bigger toll on me than I would have ever imagine in the beginning of this journey. I was so dumb, I honestly thought I would have the surgery, heal up, perhaps have some ED, and then move on with my life. My purgatory name of long term use is coming back to haunt me, lol, as I have used that name for many years, but I do feel like I am in some never ending holding pattern. Never quite able to be well enough to be well enough or strong enough to move on. It's always one more thing, one more event, one more test, etc. Sure many of you feel the same way.

So in my own little world here, I truly live on a day to day basis lately, I have stopped thinking about long term dreams I once harbored. Got to get some kind of feeling for how things are going to be from this point, and hope and pray that nothing else medical comes up, i.e. things that have nothing to do with PC.

Not really in a venting mood, more of expressing general feelings at this juncture.

David
Posted 2/26/2011 11:39 PM (GMT 0)
Dave, regardless of the test results, you'll still be a good guy.

That can never be taken away.

Let me steal a line from Bronson......hugs!

Dave in CT.
Posted 2/27/2011 12:02 AM (GMT 0)
David:

You are such an amazingly, admirable man! At least, that is the impression I get in reading your posts here, and your story on YANA as well. Your wife and children must be extremely proud of you, and a great source of strength at times such as these, if you let them. I know, I know, you have a sensitive side, and we all can see that here, but sometimes with family we're afraid to let them see us without our "stoic mask".

I can't imagine what you must be going through as you wait for Monday to come. ( Isn't there a song like that? ) I do hope that you can imagine that all of us here, will be right there with you, as you "cross that bridge".
Quite a crowd I would say!

I'm glad to hear you are open to taking anti-depressants. Puzzling to me though, as to your stance on HT. A discussion for another time perhaps.

Will be here Monday waiting to hear your results. In the meantime, wishing you well, and the best of luck!

Mira
Posted 2/27/2011 12:06 AM (GMT 0)
Good luck Dave. As I've said before if there's anyone here who really deserves a break from cancer it sure is you. You've handled it admirably to say the least. We are all pulling for you,
Posted 2/27/2011 12:07 AM (GMT 0)
I wish you the best and I am hoping the same for you.
Posted 2/27/2011 12:40 AM (GMT 0)
David,
I wish you the best on Monday. I raise my glass to you today in your honor. I have dreams about my PSA results as I approach my tests. My blood draw is Monday, and I dreamed that my results were .11, which would be good for me. I pray that your results are dreamworthy.
All my best,
Paul
Posted 2/27/2011 1:29 AM (GMT 0)
David I know that this a long weekend for you. Know that Pat and I are thinking about you so very much.

Cajun Jeff
Posted 2/27/2011 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
David:

All I can say is good luck. Let's hope you do get that PSA reversal!!

BTW, I'm doing mine on Tuesday and will get the results about Thursday. I'm in a similar boat, hoping for a reversal or facing the next step.

You make a good point about crossing that bridge. We can say what we want about tx. options, but they are somewhat abstract until we have to actually MAKE that decision.

Again, good luck.

Maybe we should start a new thread about upcoming PSA results? I think there were a couple of other guys who are doing the PSA at this time.

Mel

Posted 2/27/2011 3:26 AM (GMT 0)
Gee, just got in from a film location scouting trip this evening with my new crew, and amazed at all the wonderful answers and support, to me, this ties into the "what is support" thread elsewhere, this to me, is what HW is all about. i would love to answer each one, because the support value is so great to me.

mel: all people on cancer journeys, male or female, young or old, have to reach and cross bridges at some point, its an analogy I can relate with. its easy to be brave about what so and so would do, when so and so doesnt really have to do it. the decision to have the urostomy last september was one of the hardest i ever had to make in my life. i knew it was a difficult surgery with a difficult recovery, i was trying to weigh out what it meant to be with a stoma and having to wear a device for the rest of my life. it was tough, and when it came down to it, i could no longer bear any more daily pain like i did in the previous 11 months. it was more than i could bear at that point in my life, it was too much pain and misery all the time.

mira, my feelings about ht are well known here, and its not fear or stubborness on my part, or even ignorance, its all about the quality of life, with my life. i am very prone to excessive problems with side effects in general, very sensitive to meds, etc. knowing that ht would not offer any curative hope to me is a negative. i would be willing to undergo ht and or chemo, if it offered any curative hope. its not a death wish on my part, or a badge of martydom as one posted accused me of, but a personal choice. you would have to know all i have dealt with in health issues starting from age 28.

knotreel (ron) what you offered in your post is plenty enough and just what i needed. as far as the antidepressents go, that is a long complicated story with me too, have had some major issues in the past. i was off of them for good, supposedly, about 3 years before my PC dx. i like to think with a clear head, and i wanted to be on my own again so to speak, but i never expected things to go so wrong since, so if i get bad news, i am ready to get some medications that i am familiar with.

dont ever be fooled by the number of posts that i, or some others have, its not about quantity for sure, i am a writer and have always been, you wouldnt get much out of me with a phone call, lol. but its my way of returning all i have taken from this place. trust me, i still take more than i give.

david in sc
Posted 2/27/2011 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
I hope things go well for you on Monday David

ray

Post Edited (Burlcodad) : 2/26/2011 9:25:17 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/27/2011 4:03 AM (GMT 0)
David -

Best of luck to you on Monday. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Thank you for all your support since I got here. You are truly a remarkable man who has made a tremendously difficult journey. God speed my friend. Wishing you all the best.

Mark
Posted 2/27/2011 5:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hi David, best of luck Monday, I share your HT thoughts, going into hospital tomorrow early for arthroscopic surgery on my knee, so probably be a bit wobbly after, will check back here when I can.

Regards Mal.
Posted 2/27/2011 5:59 AM (GMT 0)
Good luck David. Hope you get good results.


My hospital gives patients on line access to lab results. So you get it drawn, and a few hours later you can look up the results. Waiting a week for results is torture.
Posted 2/27/2011 6:41 AM (GMT 0)
mal - good luck on your knee surgery, that gives me the bee-gee-bees just thinking about that.

postop - i had the blood drawn tuesday, i could have had results end of the day wednesday, but i have chosen to wait till monday to go over in person with my uro. we have been through a lot together, as a patient and doctor team.

this is one time, i want the reports-trends-theories-stats-percentages to be wrong. i want to be surprised in a good way for once, and have some breathing room for the future.
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