it's in our head!

i'm sure everyone already knows this, but I find the power of the mind a little overwhelming at times.

I've not had ED at all but things have changed, it's all very mechanical and I couldn't get a response just looking at my wife, **** or whatever. Had to constantly stimulate it. Even then it would take a few minutes to get going. It literally feels like a motorized process and that if you let go of the accelerator the motor dies down.

The amount of pressure I (we) put on ourselves is also idiotic. I would verify that I could get an erection every day even though I was in no mood whatsoever. I'd literally work up to an erection and then just stop, satisified that I was still "working". Some days were slower or worse than others and being the idiot that I am, I'd immediately think that I was regressing, losing my ability to have an erection.

There was no "feeling" down there unless the above steps were taken, and mostly, I didn't really feel passionate/horny or however you want to describe it.

I knew i was/am still depressed from this whole cancer thing, extremely fatigued from what I assume is getting right back into my work/parenting routine after surgery and kinda felt that this mindset certainly didn't help progression vis-a-vis sexual function.

Then yesterday I spoke to my bosses and found out I could go work in Rome, Italy for a year with family ( I was born and raised there). I got excited, happy, and felt "high" ( i'm not manic). Well, wouldn't you know, that night I started feeling desire for sex again and i felt movement/sensations without even touching it.

So, yes our nerves are repairing and there is a definite physical element to all this, but the pressure we put on ourselves, outside influences like stress, depression and fatigue must play a really significant role in our progression however fast that may be.

That was a good post David. At this point I have no expectations other than to enjoy the experience and share that with my wife, so not much pressure there. But I sometimes get down that I am not what I used to be in a number of ways. But hey, I'm alive and I will take that.
Michael

TC-LasVegas said...
What a good post David,
Very thoughtful. And I agree. In some ways I was given a grace period by going on HT immediately after surgery. I wasn't supposed to work and I didn't. But after my HT was lifted I set no expectations, and low and behold ~ my sex life returned. Rather quickly.

In my support group I stress not putting yourselves under too much pressure to perform. In the first year after RP you begin functioning you are the rarer bird. But most of my guys in the group do very well after that period. Additionally there are sex therapists that specialize in this area. It is a tall order to ask a guy to consider going to one, but they have helped guys in the past.

Again, great post...

Tony

How do you go about finding a sex therapist? What are the expectations involved in this sort of thing?

Thank you David for this post I really neede to hear this! I am/was in the same boat with slow progress and started to think I was going backwards in healling from the ED. Just in past week I was geting very frustrated/depressed I believe God has had a hand in my progrees this whole journey, however I had started to not be as diligent with trusting Him for this. Long story short, attitude adjustment, more time in prayer and faith I WILL see faster improvements...and more progress in past week than I have had in past 5 months!

I'm sure your doctor has advised many of his pc patients about sex therapists. My surgeon actually works with one becaus ethe need for one is extremely common in pc patients.

i've noticed that my bathroom habits have changed dramatically since surgery. I rarely get gas and haven't gotten an upset stomach since surgery. I used to have a very delicate stomach. Wasn't going to bring it up because it sounds crazy, but since you did above...

OK funny thing happened on the way to planning our next UsTOO meeting today ~ I will have a doctor that specializes in this thread topic. Dr. Joel Marcus is a Psychosocial Oncologist from the Nevada Cancer Institute. He will be speaking on this very topic...

For anyone looking for this type of a therapist you might search for "Psychosocial Oncology" or "Psychosocial Oncologist"...

Here is Dr. Marcus' bio:

tinyurl.com/4h6a3co

Tony

TC-LasVegas said...
Ok then,
I used the TinyURL and it works. Try it now...

Also,
I just received a terrific document from Dr. Marcus. If anyone would like a copy just send me an email...

Tony

The link works now. Thanks.

I sent you an email but didn't get anything back yet.

I followed the advise of some here. I was less obsessed with monitoring/tracking my erections in the last week and the results were great. I tried only twice in the last week and both times I reached 100%.

The biggest difference is that these two times, as opposed to the previous two months, the entire thing was less mechanical. I was really surprised to see that the erections were being maintained even while I wasn't actually having full intercourse. They stuck with me while we were fooling around. I didn't push my luck and didn't test this aspect of it for more than 3-5 minutes, but before, without constant stimulation I was seeing the quality of the erection die down like a sputtering motor if not constantly stimulated.

I have no idea what this means, if it's because I put less mental pressure on myself, if it's because the nerves are healing ( seems early for that ), or if it's because I stretched sex out over 3-4 day intervals.

I'd like to hope I can keep this attitude and this relaxed strategy. It's not in my personality, but perhaps the apparent benefits of it will remind me to stay with this course.

I also had a long discussion with my wife about her needing to re-enter my mind and find whatever it is in my mind that gets me going. She's game, but she asked me what to do and that she would of course do anything. I told her that she had to find it. That night while watching tv she kept nudging me on the shoulder. After 2-3 times I asked her what she was doing, she smiled and I asked her if that was actually her way of trying to get into my mind. She laughed and confirmed it. We laughed together and I explained that getting into my mind, finding something that would work did not involve giving me access. We were giggling throughout this. What I'm basically trying to do is trying to get a reaction down there through my mind again. I know it can work because I see results when I do this, but I want/need her to find it. That takes communication and a comfort level that I think comes with years of marriage.

davidg - that was one of your more bizzare posts yet. sounds like you like to make everything complicated. if you have such great communications with your wife, just tell her what would work instead of making a guessing game out of it. getting so obsessive about your erections constantly would be enough in itself to be counterproductive in my opinion. not everything in life, especially post surgery, has a set schedule of improvement. enjoy whatever you have, and the rest will come in time. besides, i thought you didn't have ED after surgery, wasn't that of your claims with your amazing surgeon?

david in sc

wifeandmother said...
The doctor told us that Viagra will not work anymore, but it still is in your mind. To tell you the truth, the way I feel so stressed and overwhelmed about the CA...I don't want to do it anymore.

I had a 3 months supply of Viagra that I gave to a fellow patient yesterday. He came to pick them up in my office. I hated the stuff. It gave me a solid erection, but something happened to my vision. Upon advise from many here and my own instincts I stopped taking it. The side effects from cialis were much better for me.

Stress kills sexual drive. But my urologist and my surgeon's nurse explained the "use it or lose it" thing. Something about possible atrophy setting in if you don't use it. Perhaps a constructive way to work on the stress would help you guys. I know its easier said than done, but there are things we can do.