Once you get cancer...

So 8 months ago I felt invincible.

Now, after getting Prostate Cancer I feel like I am on the verge of getting it everywhere.

I see that touching ad about Melanoma and I start to bug out thinking of all the sunburns since early childhood on Italian beaches when sunscreen wasn't even considered. I see TC post about pancreatic and liver cancer and automatically think that I need to go follow up on my liver tests from pre-surgery and on how to check for prostate cancer before it's too late.

I feel like I am shell shocked. I was a worrier to begin with, another genetic trait alongside PCa, and now feel that I cannot handle all that I am worrying about. I react almost viciously to anyone introducing other added stress to my life because I already feel like I have so much of it.

Anyone else experience this now or post surgery/treatment? Is it just post traumatic stress? Is there any rational reason for me to feel like a target for bad news? I'm not disabled by it but I often think that it'll be a heart attack ( another genetic trait I have ) that will kill me and not PCa.

When do I get to relax? (without meds )

David

I understand where you're coming from. It's been 18 months for me, and I felt invincible both before the diagnosis and after the surgery. Now that I've been reminded that it's not over until it's over, the feelings and anxiety you mention returned.

But over the last month or so I've begun to see a change in my mindset. You know that line from Animal House, "fat, dumb, and stupid is no way to go through life." In some ways that's how I was before my PC diagnosis. I was invincible, and it didn't matter what I did or didn't do every day. I had an infinite number of tomorrows, so I could do whatever I wanted to and if I made a mistake, offended someone, screwed up, it didn't matter, I always had tomorrow.

Since my diagnosis, and especially since my PSA bumped up, I'm much more aware that every day is a gift and I will never get that day back, so I have to make the best use of it that I can. I'm also more aware of my own mortality, aside from PC. Even if I was totally healthy, I would still have no more than 20 or 30 years left at the max. That's a small percent of how long I've lived, and even if I was 40 and lived to 100 that's nothing in comparison with eternity.

I don't want to go spiritual, since that's not the purpose of this board, but suffice it to say that I've gotten much closer to my faith and the spiritual lessons I was taught as a child. They were all true.

Fact: we will all die of something. Fact: we don't know when.

It is a shock to get a diagnosis of cancer, because it brings us to the realization that we are not invincible after all -- we then have some inkling of the "when".

As far worrying about it I take this view: There are some things we can do. If concerned about a heart attack, take steps to reduce the risk -- heart-healthy diet, exercise and no smoking. Similar steps are also possible to reduce the chance of PCa recurrence.

There are some things we can't control, like primary liver or pancreatic cancer, or being struck by a meteorite. So what do you gain by worrying about them? Worry about, and fix the things you can fix.

So I say fix the risks in your life you can fix, and accept the risks that you can't, and live every day as it comes.

It's your age David. At 68, I have already outlived a lot of family, friends and associates and feel fortunate to still be here. In the meantime I just try to enjoy every day. I'm sure I would have felt different at 40.

I hope you can realize that you have done all you can for now to treat your PC and make yourself walk away from the stress and worry. The stress alone is an enabler of all kinds of trouble you don't need.

David, I am with you.   Every ache and pain makes me wonder.   It is not the age as I still feel like I am 30, only with Joe Namath knees.

My wife has had her second bout with breast cancer and, on Monday, had her second round of reconstruction surgery putting her back together after a double masectomy from last year.

My 42 year old niece learned last week that she has a recurrance of colon cancer that was discovered the day my wife had her double masectony last July.    My sister called to inform us that her daughter had a PET scan last week that shows she has several new tumors in her belly.   Last August she had surgery and they removed, as the surgeon described " a fruit basket....a grapefruit, an orange, a lemon, and a couple of limes....." from a young women with four children that has never weighed 100 pounds.   She went through four chemo sessions that each lasted four days.    She will re-start chemo this week.

This stuff is a curse that simply can't be explained.  I am of the attitude that I will check out everything as one never knows what that ache or pain or tingle night be.   We are predisposed to the wonder because we know this alien spreads throughout our bodies in a very stealthy method.   But we can't let it get he better of us.   Most often we with PCa will be fine over a long period of time as most of it grows very slowly and we will pass on from something else.

I wish the same could be said for my young niece.

Davidg

PCa has humbled me and yet there are still moments where I feel invincible. As my wife likes to remind me, "worrying is like praying for something bad to happen." Never have known how long I would live, but I figured that I would cruise into my mid 80's. Still might, but like Sonny says, Every day is a bonus. Hope that you find some piece of mind soon.

Michael

I'm right there with ya Dave. Although I haven't started "official" treatment for my PCa, every time I get a little ache or pain, particularly if it's related to that general area I think " well, that's just cancer movin' around! "

It's definitely gotten a lot better since I was first diagnosed, but I'm sure it'll continue for years. Just the type of personality I have.

On the positive side though, I've enjoyed a different outlook on relationships w/my family and others. So there IS a positive side to this dreadful disease.

thanks

David,

I unerstand what you are saying: I spent some time there myself, but I've chosen a different angle that works for me. I (had) cancer and Rheumatoid Arthritis simultaneously. Both of these are very very bad actors: I don't even want to speculate on which is worse in the short term. When the RA was bad, it was like it ate me up from the inside out. I didn't know if the pain was coming from cancer or RA. I couldn't imagine ever being 'normal' again. I was fortunate that prednisone worked for me. When I say worked, I mean I go to the gym every day and do serious workouts; I fish every day that I am not on my part time job, and I ride my Harley every day that it doesn't rain which in PA this year frankly isn't much.

Point being, I have had and maybe still do have two pretty bad things which may 'get' me one day if the Harley doesn't, but neither one is going to kill me TODAY....not this day, and I try to fill each day with as much living as I can. I don't worry one second between doctor visits. I would never try to tell anyone how they should approach life, but this works for me. I saw a sign somewhere that said, "May you live every day of your life." That makes perfect sense to me.

God Bless you, Man

David,

On my very first post here when I got the news that I had cancer and was very scared, you were on of the first people to respond and made me feel much better. You wrote:

Somebody said...
Gleason 6 -

This is the lowest you will be. As of tonight, after reading here and then getting more and more information you will change your attitude, slowly come to terms with your new reality and then fight hard and win. You'll win because as others above have said, this is a very treatable disease and your numbers are low.

Once you decide what course to take you will feel further empowered. Once you have gone through that process, whatever it might be, you will be able to put this all behind you and start looking ahead again.

If you have a spouse or partner, keep her/him involved in the process. It's critical to share your feelings and fears with your loved ones. They'll help make you stronger and help you make rational choices.

I have not been to the "other side" yet and don't know how I will feel after my treatment. I do know that after running a full spectrum of emotions, I have been able to go on with my life as best as I can. I really don't think about it too much other than still being logged in here while at work. I do that because I'm still in decision making mode and I appreciate the advise I get here and learn by looking at other posts.

Hopefully when I decide on a treatment I will put this behind me and go on with my life. Still getting my regular physicals and yearly dermatologist screening. If I do have another physical problem I hope to catch it early and deal with it if it happens.

David, you gave me some good advice and I think you should follow your own advice. "Once you have gone through that process, whatever it might be, you will be able to put this all behind you and start looking ahead again."

Don't waste today worrying about tomorrow.

 I think it is post traumatic stress and it will take a while, maybe a couple of years actually.  Or maybe never.  It took me me at least 7 years to get over 9/11 stress.  I don't think my husband will ever be his old self.  Actually, now he speaks a bit more dangerously.  "Put alot of butter on my food"  "Maybe I will take up smoking after this"  "If I knew this would happen, I would drop my seed and make babies all over the world"

He was always kind of crazy like that.

I think you will be fine, it will take time, a little counseling if it gets worse won't hurt. 

A year in Rome? That couldn't hurt ease the stress level, especially if you partake of some of the local vintage crop. I expect that you'll adjust quite nicely. Breathe deeply, focus on the positive, and enjoy life. As Sonny says, each day is a bonus.

Bob

I may be naive, but think Ralph was referring to Vino.

Hey David,

I think you are dealing with post traumatic stress. You've been through a major trauma - having to deal with the diagnosis of cancer, the overwhelming decision of treatment options, going through surgery (which you did great and were able to comfort me with your kind words) and now you have moved to another country!  I'm sure you are tired &worn out emotionally.  Not to mention having to be strong for your wife & kids!

Your post made me think of buying a new car.  Before you get a car you may not have noticed many of that particular type on the road, but after you get it you start to see them everywhere.  I get what you are saying about hearing about cancer everywhere now.  I remember last year after thinking that my husband's psa had dropped to an acceptable level we were on vacation in Alaska & Canada.  We hopped on a public bus to get to the airport in Vancouver and there above our heads was an ad "Men, do you know your PSA score"!  I wanted to scream - it seems there is no way to escape what we had been dealing with! 

Now that you are in a new country, maybe you could take a break from prostate cancer for awhile.  You definitely have a medical clearance to do so - with a post op psa of 0!!!! (I've been wondering how your score was going to be.)  It would be refreshing for you, your wife & kids.  I don't know how you mentally check out from cancer, but their must be some viable distractions in a new country.  Do you have much free time while there?  I believe you are there for work?  Be patient with yourself, mentally & physically.  You've been through alot. 

- Christine