Do any of your wives or partners not want any kind of intimacy after loosing the ability to erect?

I am curious to find out what happened to each of us after our surgery/brachatherapy/IMRT/IGRT/ADT, etc. Obviously, we have stressed our wives/partners with all that we had to have done and then recover from.

Specifically, has any of you had the experience of your spouse/partner not even interested in trying (knowing that maybe one can get an erection with Trimix, Cialis, etc or maybe those don't work and the flag pole doesn't rise any more) intimacy but in a new paradigm? How does your wife/partner feel without you not achieving an erection? Is it a deal killer? Or is she happy just to snuggle, and enjoy touch and kissing?


How does your wife react when you can't get an erection? Does she loose desire with you in that regard. Does she go to and use a vibrator? Is she willing to cuddle, hold each other, kiss and just enjoy touching? Or does she just want to stay and have no intimacy for the remainder of the marriage.

If a woman doesn't want any intimacy due to what cancer did to us, what does that tell us about the woman. I would really like the women on this site to chime in and give us their thoughts.

Too many questions, but it would be interesting to gather some facts and share to see if some of us are the exception or more HW brothers have a greatly reduced intimacy post diagnosis, treatments, etc.

One option you didn't list was "no change in intimacy" which was my situation.

Jim

No change. You might want to add no change as an option.

It is my opinion that most women want attention. One of the ways they have been able to get it us to let the man have intercourse. Apparently, as women get older, intercourse becomes less desirable than together attention. Many women aren't taken to climax by the intercourse, because the male is more concerned about his climax. These are generalities I know, but over all, I think are basically correct.

In my own marriage, I have redoubled my efforts to make sure that the experience is satisfying for my wife, both emotionally and sexually. Obviously, things are different for me but I have to be grateful to be alive, and I get great pleasure out of making my wife happy.

After 42 years, she does not appear to be inclined to go elsewhere. For that I am grateful.

Goodlife

All the available choices assume a decrease in intimacy.

Or, maybe not.  The question reads, "has intimacy changed since Dx and treatment?"

The change could be either positive or negative, so it's not real clear what's being asked, though again I think the assumption is that everyone will report some degree of decrease in intimacy.  The responses, however, seem to be showing that's not always the case.

Apparently, in this survey intimacy is being viewed as requiring an erection, something which I don't believe to be accurate.

Post Edited (clocknut) : 10/25/2013 9:38:18 AM (GMT-6)

we also had no change in intimacy luckily.

However, my wife and I talked about the possibility of me having issues before I had my surgery and the 3 min discussion basically had her reminding me that I could please her in a number of creative and fun ways. In fact, even with the ability to have conventional sex we often enjoy other stuff.

It might be easy for me to say since I was lucky to not suffer a loss in this area but I really do not see why on earth intimacy and sexual satisfaction should vanish for those who currently cannot achieve erections.

I have been out of the loop for quite a while and am certain there is an entirely new group of men and women who I have not yet had contact with nor know who I am. It is ironic that I sign in today and come across this posting. Michael and I are having this intimacy, no it is actually just intercourse that is the issue. I read the original posting and then the responses and felt moved to put my 2 cents in. My words, are my own, they reflect our experience and they will be blunt.....hope not to offend. short background, of those who do not know. Michael was diagnosed at 39 years old, decided on DaVinci and had his surgery on Feb 2, 2011. Since then he has ED, has tried lots of "therapy", oral medications, and trimix. He also had several strokes this summer that effect him and his ability to have intercourse. At this point, he does not really have erections, if he tries to manually stimulate, he needs to watch "hardcore ****" or needs to almost be abusive with himself to get a reaction that will not only not be fully erect but will only last a very short time. he has had negative responses with trimix so he is apprehensive to use it. At this point, I tend to not initiate intimacy with him and I know that this makes him feel as if I am not attracted to him, but here is my reasoning. He already feels less of a man because he is having dry erections. I am one of those women who greatly enjoy the mess of sex and since he cannot produce he feels as if he is not able to satisfy me. Also, if I initiate, and his body does not respond (which is most likely won't) he then is more upset because his body does not react even though he is mentally turned on and wanting to have intercourse. So to not initiate keeps him from feeling as if he is letting me down in both of those ways. I have assured him verbally that these things are not the reason I am in love with him, and I am still in love with him and will never leave him. But being the man that he is, and sex being as important to who he is and was as a man, he feels he is unable to give me not only what I want but what I need to be satisfied. I have never had a vaginal orgasm, and he is still able to give me orgasms, but that does not fulfill his need to satisfy me in the other ways. I feel by not initiating, I am not putting pressure on him to perform and also allows him the ability to come to me when he is erect. Hoping that when he is able, that this helps boost his positive feelings about intercourse and his bodily reactions. But because this is going on we are not having intercourse as often as either of us would like and it does put space between us. We still hug, and kiss and cuddle and love each other, but due to the lack of intercourse and the importance that he has placed on that, we do not have the intimacy that we once had. And even though I know he still loves me and is still attracted to me, it is difficult to know that I am physically not able to turn him on like I used to.

I am so happy for those of you not going through this, it is sad and hurtful, even though it is not intentional. I think ultimately we both still want the intimacy and the intercourse, but we are having a hard time not wanting to continue to hurt each other with the lack of sex, so we avoid it, so we can avoid bringing up bad feelings. I hope some of this makes sense.

Susan R, thank you for your honestly. Your entire response makes total sense. I think one cruel aspect of this cancer is that you are in the exam room, recently diagnosed, in shock and if you choose surgery, the UO will mention that he/she may have to take out the critical bundle of nerves and it will impact a couple's intimacy. How could we have known what "impact" meant? In some regards, I wish a more thorough discussion could be offered. Maybe a video of couples who have gone through all of this mess so a couple can really make an informed choice.

I would imagine, that many men would say (I included) I would rather not have surgery, not worry about recovery, incontinence, impotency, more adjuvant treatments, etc. and just have the best quality of life as possible for as long as possible. I know what I am saying in terms of longevity and many will say that they prefer longevity over intimacy. But lack of intimacy is horrific. When a women no longer has any longing for you, only magnifies the horrible feelings of being impotent.

I know there are many amazing women that prefer to have their husband alive and can accept the loss of total intimacy. But there are many for what ever reason withhold any form of intimacy. Many of us have been wonderful spouses to our wives, been totally faithful, hard working, good fathers and good grandfathers. So what do we say to ourselves about being an outcast? about going to bed night after night without even a touch in one of the loneliest places in the universe, our own bed.

Maybe one of the spouses/partners of someone dealing with PCa that no longer has any desire for any kind of intimacy with their man who has/had PCa share some insight that I would imagine a number of HW members are struggling with. I know the many years of marriage and life creates some impacts to a relationship but if we are hard working, committed to fidelity, good men, what makes us all of a sudden undesirable?

Out in the mountains, the bull elk are bugling to attract cows and the biggest and baddest bull gets all he wants. If we are not the so called big bull any more are we still not desirable?

I know there are a trillion factors that comprise a relationship, but it seems one day, we have PCa and the withdrawal begins. Is it preparing one's self for the possible outcome of death and being alone so it is easy to begin the withdrawal? Is it because we can't get an erection so we shouldn't start something that we can't finish? Did leprosy tag along with the dang cancer? Does one's spouse think prostate cancer is contagious?

To the wonderful women of HW, please help us men even try and understand why all of a sudden we are in the siberian in terms of intimacy.

White Bird, Devasted,

It pains me to read this. Granted, I don't know the whole situation, but I feel compelled to give you my 2c anyway.

First, after just a couple months of ED I can only imagine how hard it must be to have still not recovered after a couple years. But, unless I'm missing something, I'd encourage you to continue to be proactive and seek out whatever intervention (up to and including implant surgery, which I understand is virtually foolproof) to get to where you feel better about yourself.

Second, if your wives are being unfaithful to you (make no mistake - that is what they are doing by physically and emotionally abandoning you), maybe you should move on and find someone who does appreciate you for who you are and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated assuming you really have been faithful, hard working, good fathers and good grandfathers.

And as far as far as "family relations" if your kids are grown you need to start to put your own needs ahead of theirs. In fact, if they knew the whole situation and how you are being mistreated they ought to understand why you need to move on!

I wish you both the best....

no change due to treatments/ED, so I didn't vote.

Swelborn,

Welcome to the forum. I've started a new thread for folks to say hello. It is here: www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=35&m=2890231

Devastated:

Thank you for one of the most compassionate, REAL threads I've read here on HW.

Mel

I don't have a partner, and PCa has made finding one even more problematic. I wish I had a change to report.