Surgery Tomorrow

Yikes! My loved one is having rp tomorrow. I'm calm. I'm freaking out. I'm calm. I'm freaking the **** out. I'm calm... etc.

We are in a new loving yet undefined relationship. We spend incredible amounts of time apart due to different schedules, cities of residence and sadly, his having to turn it up several notches on the parenting and caregiving fronts. His former wife was recently diagnosed and is now being treated for colon and liver cancer. Their daughter is going to prom and graduating from high school this year. The timing of both illnesses is hard to bear for all.

This whole ride has been crazy (read: shocking, informative, maddening, heartbreaking and encouraging). I've been lurking on HW, FrankTalk and Todd's Blog for a couple of months now, ever so thankful for an invaluable resource of people generous and frank in your descriptions of how prostate cancer is affecting your lives. I am grateful for all the voices: girlfriends, partners and wives, the newly diagnosed and all of you at differing stages of different types of treatment.

about us. He's 50, I'm 40. We met last summer and after a few weeks of some initial jr. high level awkwardness, we've been behaving like fully grown teenagers ever since (well, at least when we can). Early on, he mentioned some totally unrelated yet, serious health issues his doctors were investigating. Later, after New Year's, we had a weird pillow talk session I now realize was his first attempt to tell me he had prostate cancer. He was scared. After reading about it, its treatment and the subsequent quality of life issues for men and their partners, I understand why.

Things are so new with us, its been difficult to know how to be. He goes off grid a lot: to come to grips with his own feelings, to handle his affairs (his own business, co-parenting his kids, taking classes etc.) and also to prevent me from worrying about him. I understand but it drives me bananas. When we do manage to be awake and on the phone or at the same place at the same time, the conversations are often too incomplete for my liking (virgo speak for my checklist of things to cover never gets fully checked off, grrr). I mean what do you talk about when the man you love is being beaten on all fronts by things he can't control, like having to comfort daughters legitimately wondering if their mom will live to see them graduate from college and get married while simultaneously getting mentally prepared to never ejaculate or possibly, never have a natural erection again?

Mostly, I try to keep it light unless he initiates the heavy stuff. That does not always work out. One day while he was off grid I got a call from a friend about a funeral for someone she thought I knew but, didn't. That resulted in my leaving him a message demanding to know if he was alive even if he still wasn't ready to talk at length. Another time, after another break in communication and, my still not knowing which treatment he was going to receive, he sent a text to tell me he was scheduled for surgery. The news and the way he shared it hit me off guard and made me upset. I let him know, at the same time hoping he was not already having a particularly bad coping day.

Since then, I've decided to go for broke telling him that I don't expect him to call me when he's shaving his balls but, that I do, even in the middle of all this stuff, expect him to hold up his end of staying in touch. We talk more, his off grid time is shorter and just this week was the first time he mentioned my being included in his post rp rehab :o). I'm still trying to feel him out re: surgery day. I was hoping to take off from work to be there but he stalled on telling me the date so long that I can't. Not sure if that was his usual too many things on his plate to manage his schedule properly or a deep seated desire not to be seen when he's down. I'm hoping we can talk again before he goes in. What I want is to be there but, not at the cost of his self image.

Unbelievably, he's having to make arrangements for the former Mrs. this same week. They've been divorced for years yet are close and are jointly raising their children. Recently back from one of his off grid sojourns he revealed there was a scare that cancer was in her lungs and brain. His initial handling of that was to get out of his truck in the middle of the freeway, sit on his back bumper and cry. Thankfully he got a call from his brother that shook him out of it before he got himself hit. I'm also thankful that he shared this with me face to face. We embraced, continued to talk and got mostly caught up on what's been going on in each other's lives. Even though he had that scary moment on the freeway and others I may never know about, he seems to have turned a positive corner in his outlook on how things stand.

As for me, see my first two sentences above. Months ago I was enjoying the absolute best experiences in my romantic and sexual life. Charm, chivalry and 5 times straight with no refractory period. The first two will hopefully live on despite the surgery's toll on the latter. about that toll though... it makes me sad to only get to experience him pre-surgery for such a short while. Just when I finally found my sexercise partner lol. Of course intimacy is more than that and a man is more than one of his parts. He told me he's just ready for Friday (the day after). I'm right there with him, hoping for starters that his post surgery tests come back cancer free.

Hello Libi,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you have worries about your guy but glad you found us. Hope we can help.

Since you have been lurking for a while you probably know by now that --

1) almost all men struggle with their sex lives after prostate surgery, and

2) most men can get back in the game with patience, determination and help from their partners.

An excellent online resource that can help you understand what he is likely to go through after surgery is a lecture by Dr. John Mulhall that is avaialable online in three parts. Here are the links:
Part 1 goo.gl/Mdw8Sr
Part 2 goo.gl/Eqm1UF
Part 3 goo.gl/dw6JOd

Dr Mulhall also has a book that goes into more detail. The best way to get it is to buy it from Amazon as an e-book (Kindle format). It is entitled Saving Your Sex Life

Let us know how he does and any details of his surgery he or his doctor mentions. In particular, how much nerve-sparing was done will give some idea of how much help he will need going forward.

Libi,
Welcome to Healing Well. We are glad you came out from lurking and introduced yourself. What a wonderful, loving post. Your BF is a very lucky man.

He is experiencing a lot of anxiety about his health, has to be strong for his children and try to maintain a loving relationship with you. That is a big burden to deal with at this time in his life.

The operation is nothing, he will recover quickly, but the side effects are life changing. His QOL will be effected greatly. As David said in his post, it is a very complex surgery and takes months to years recover from.

But in most cases, there is plenty of living to be experienced after surgery. You may have to be a little more creative in the bedroom but you are both learning to know each other in that department now so it won't be the end of a loving relationship. Isn't it fun to experience those high school awkward feelings again?

He will need support and understanding from you and it sounds like you are willing to do that already. Has he read any of our post on Healing Well? Let him know he is not alone, we are here for you and him. Whining, venting celebrating milestones in recovery and any questions are all allowed here.

With the advent of PSA tests, many of us are being diagnosed with PCa. But the good news is we are finding out early enough to be able have treatment and continue on with our lives.

I had severe incontinence but had another operation recently to correct that SE. Each man is different and experience different SE's.

I wish your BF and you good luck. Stay with us, you are now one of us and we would like to hear of your BF progress.

As we say here, we will welcome him to the other side (of recovery) after husband surgery.


Keep the Faith

Bill from Florida

Sorry for saying "husband", I wrote this reply at 3:00a.m. in the morning

Ok, Libi, we're waiting here...

Libi
Your BF is lucky to have you! It's sad to hear of young folks experiencing this "old " mans disease. Most of us are well past our sexual primes and courting is a thing we can only dream about. Experiencing new love is the best thing that us humans can have, be it a new lover or a child or grandchild.
It takes special courage and dedication to endure the pain experienced by both partners when going through the travails of prostate cancer or any serious disease treatments.
Having a loving partner like you surely will make it easier for him.
You don't indicate the extent of his PCa but surgery by an expert is low risk and recovery is usually quick. Some guys have no ED or in continence but it's fairly normal to have ED for up to two years and incontinence for up to three months. So hang in there and hope for the best. The most important thing of course is to cure the cancer; the other two aspects will get back to normal in no time.
God bless you both!
Bob gl9 pt3b

Its early am on surgery day proper and I am going to sign off of this computer in no more than 30 minutes. Had a moments scare that I misplaced my house keys like I’ve been known to do when I’m stressed or distracted, let alone both. Just as I was considering rousing a friend who would let me sleep on her couch, I found them lodged at the bottom of my purse. I hate purses and that Stix (my loved one) did not call or text yesterday.

I’m still debating about going to the hospital. I don’t want him to be weirded out about my being there, especially without knowing why he’s off grid (a true desire to go through this part alone, fear, health complications with the ex. Mrs., something else altogether). I also don’t particularly like the idea of being there randomly without knowing the time of the surgery or name of the surgeon. Ugh. I’m gonna try to sleep and figure it out in the morning.

Big Mac, What on earth were you doing up at 3am lol! So nice to be thought of while I was fast asleep.

Ronnie, I noticed your post just as I noticed it was time for me to get off the computer this morning and head to work. Thank you for your wellness and good luck wish. I thought I was experiencing this at lightening speed but, wow. Looking at your stats (is that what folks around here call the information below the line?) I realize your head must be spinning! As much as you can, be encouraged over these few days. If I'm reading your numbers right, they seem to indicate you did/do not have the luxury of time to mull things over. If you haven't heard it today, thank you for caring enough to take care of your health for yourself and those who love you. I will keep you in my thoughts and look forward to reading your first update, when you're up to it, post surgery.

Purgatory, Thank you for your welcome. Reading your below the line details makes me wonder if they are clues to your username choice. Can I ask, how did you manage work and social life, or even sleeping, having to go so long with so many different catheters? I've noticed how Stix (my guy) has been squirming with pain when he has urges and moaning to mask the pain when he urinates. He leads an incredibly active life and it is hard for me to visualize the possibility of that changing due to incontinence issues without some very heavy blows to his self esteem. As I type this, I'm also struck by the amount of failures you've lived through. I know I'm welcome here but, reading what some of the guys including you are going through makes me feel like I should just sit down and quietly sort through my feelings by myself.

Break60, Thank you for your kind words. I wish I knew the details of his pca to post here but, much like the name of his surgeon and the time of the surgery, I have no clue. The newness and the primetimeness of our relationship in light of his dx is a lot to take in at once. For us, great sex (the guy’s a former gymnast for cryin out loud) has been interwoven with non sexual intimacy, shared interests, mutual respect and love. I know we can work at it so its there in one form or another post surgery but, imagine it will be like finding a favorite sweater rethreaded in a different color yarn on certain rows. I am open to change just wishing it didn’t have to be so soon.

Libi said
Big Mac, What on earth were you doing up at 3am lol! So nice to be thought of while I was fast asleep.

I was having one of my 3 trips to the bathroom at night and couldn't fall back to sleep. One of the joys of having prostate cancer. Sometimes I really miss the catheter...........not!

Lets us know how you and your BF are doing.

Bill from Florida