Women's reactions to PCA/RALP

People are people. It's not a question of women reacting a certain way or men reacting a certain way, but rather how the individual, man or woman, chooses to react to something like a medical crisis. Some individuals do have the inner qualities of heartfelt compassion and helpfulness and strength that make it natural for them to assist their spouses (or relatives) with a serious health issue, while others don't. Gender really has little to do with it.

Some pitch right in and help their loved one while others want no part of it. "This isn't what I signed on for," some may say to themselves. Apparently the marriage vow "in sickness and in health" is meaningless to some of them that are married.

But, as you say, God bless the women who stand by their men in this crisis. The ones who do that are saints and angels. Our forum sisters here are that, simply because they choose to be here continually, and constantly offer words of help and encouragement to all the guys here. God bless you, sisters.

From your post it sounds like you have had a bad experience in getting support from your wife(?), and that's unfortunate. As to what to do about it, you ask. You need to approach it as you would if your marriage(?) was in trouble for any other reason. Counseling? A good long talk with her about how to work it out? Intervention by relatives? What would work for you to help your relationship with her?

But there is something else that you absolutely need to do, and that's to determine exactly what her thinking really is on this. Is it that she is simply repelled by the prospect of having to help or live with someone with a serious illness? Or could it be that she is so horrified by the prospect of losing you, or watching your health decline if it comes to that, that she just can't deal with the situation? You need to find out where her mind really is on this and go from there.

If I seem to be running on a bit here, it's because your post has kind of struck a nerve with me, this notion of a guy being alone in facing his illness. Because that's where I am. And it's also where at least a few of the guys here are (divorced, widowered, never married). Some of us do face this disease alone. I'm a widower myself, and I started getting BPH symptoms (which later led to a TURP and eventually a PCa diagnosis) in mid-2011, just a couple of months after my wife had died.

Believe me, it's a different kind of world, where you have to deal with much or all of it alone. I guess you're realizing that. In my case I do happen to have two adult sons who have been simply wonderful in the help they have given me with things like transportation, etc., but I know it's just not the same as it would have been if my wife had been here to help me. We had a long, very happy marriage together, and I am as absolutetly certain as I have ever been of anything in my entire life that, had she been here, she would have been a godsend of help to me in facing and dealing with this wretched illness. OMG I miss the help and comfort I know she would have given me! So I, too, am envious of the men who still have the support of their wives, as they are so very, truly, fortunate to have that support.

I may think about starting a thread about this, the plight of those guys here, like me, who face this thing almost entirely on their own, with little or no help from anyone, and the special problems it can bring them.

But as to your original questions, you just need to see what can be fixed with her, or if it's time to consider other options in your life, like moving on. Along the way, if you want our opinions on things, rest assured we would love to help. Just let us know.

Sorry for the ramble, but as I said, a nerve was touched.

This subject has been the bain of my treatment. My marriage was already very much on the rocks and ended in divorce for many other reasons before PCa. We had no intimacy for basically the entire marriage. I have as good results as you could hope for as far as ED goes. If I don't drink I don't need meds. But sex is far far from the same as it was and it never will be what it was. I was cut down at 42....

I have many close female friends and all of them say "sex" is the last thing that matters to them in a relationship. I just smile and think, yea because you still have it and it hasn't been forcefully taken from you. But had I done nothing, who would want to date someone who has cancer and not treating it? Catch 22.....

I wish I had done nothing most times, but then I have young children and feel I had a responsibility to act to be around for them as long as possible no matter what is lost for me as far a quality of life. There is no doubt I will never have a close intimate relationship with a women again. But nobody's relationship lasts forever either. And nobody's is going to end blissfully. So, someone who "didn't sign up for this" is just kidding themselves. No matter who they are with, they signed up for something in the end that they "didn't sign up for".....It's just a matter of time.

In the end I think most of my female friends are just being kind telling me it's not that important. I really am thinking that if your under 65, they shouldn't be allowed to touch you. But try to tell that to someone who was just dx. I wanted my prostate out even if I had to wear a diaper the rest of my life at the time. I didn't care what the cost. Now that I'm over it, I want it back......

Post Edited (ChrisR) : 10/18/2014 1:28:15 PM (GMT-6)

First, so very sorry this happened to you.
If you don't mind (I'm female) my answer. I think some people (men and women equal) cannot cope with illness, it has no fault with you. Never think the fault is you, it's a waste of time doing that. I personally know a good friend who's husband could not handle her diagnosis of MS and he divorced her and left her high and dry. It's cruel to do this to anyone. It's horrible and again I'm sorry this happened to you.
Marriage vows State: IN Sickness and Health. Yet a lot of people really cannot cope.
I would stay with my husband, my Dad was dx with PC a few years ago, so, I know some of the struggle (not saying I'm an expert, no way) I also had 3 cousins that died of CF and before a couple gets married they should have to talk about death with a counselor, that should be a requirement as life is short enough, but it's also not something to dwell on.
Again, so very sorry this happened to you...

My wife would not, to the best of my knowledge, be OK with no sex ever again. I do believe she would eventually consider other options. I know I'm younger than the median patient, so maybe that's a factor in how we both see things. I certainly would not be OK with no sex ever again, and we've certainly re-invented our sex life this year.

At 9+ months post-op, we are almost to penetration without Trimix.

I know I'm probably not helping with the main thought of this thread. I am blessed to have a wife who still wants every aspect of our lives to be whole. I feel like it will never be the same, but she has made it work for both of us. Well, I try my best as well.

I'm watching college football right now and she's asleep one couch over. I'm a lucky man. I will never, ever say that this wretched disease has been a positive in my life, but it's possible that it's helped my marriage.

Again, I apologize if my response is not the reason for this thread. My heart aches for every person who deals with this disease, and moreso for those who go it alone.

This makes me sad. I don't understand people like that. When Paul was diagnosed all I knew is I would be there for him fighting as hard as I could for him to be here and have a good quality of life together as long as possible.

I am 45 and if we never have sex again I am totally okay with that. We had a good sex life while it lasted. I am the type the more I have, the more I want but don't miss it when its gone. I DO miss Paul when he is gone in the hospital though- TONS!

There are other ways to have intimacy and show love that mean a heck of a lot more than sex and Paul despite how sick he is works on that most days. Thursday he brought me coffee and a card and bed... that said "I love you" all over it and inside he wrote "you are my everything" and I know he is fighting for his life for me, not him. He gets up every morning and makes me coffee in a French press and brings it to me in bed no matter how bad he is feeling.....

If I truly need a release, I know exactly what to do and so does Paul. there are so many ways to have orgasm if you are a woman. Not only is the penis not the most favorite body part of most women for orgasm according to Cosmo magazine, there are toys and other things that can help if this is a concern.

As many know, we got married after the diagnosis. I wouldn't have had it any other way. He gave me an out- even tried to push me away at first but I told him to stop that stupid crap I knew what he was doing.... and he did.

Now its only been a few months in to all this, but I know my love for him has only grown from watching him fight as hard as he has- he is my hero.

I know he may never be able to perform again but like Miki said I know what I have here and what is out there and I am not letting Paul go! I am also a nurse so I must be caring and nurturing by nature.

People are all different. They marry for different reasons and define relationships in varying ways. Everyone holds different qualities to varying standards and degrees. To me sex was great but considering how many years I was single without someone who loved me so much (and not getting sex then), I know its not necessary for me in order to live and love life. Falling asleep beside him and waking up wrapped together has a thousand times more worth to me.

Peter- your wife is being honest when she says that. She wouldn't say it otherwise. Trust me on that. I know you feel differently but she is okay with it. I am sure may be pleased to have more someday but not a necessity by any means.

I am so sorry for those men who don't have this. I can't imagine such a cold woman to turn her back on her husband or love. To the men who have gone through this, please know that I hope that it actually opens the door to finding a true worthwhile woman in your life, a true life partner. Please don't give up trying to find her because I know PLENTY of women who would trade sex for love and undying commitment and happiness in a heartbeat.

My wife was a great partner before dx and probably an even better one after. She is incredible, and , in addition to my 'home team" support, I have also had great support from her parents, her siblings, her uncles, her aunts, her cousins, her work colleagues and her friends.
The thing is with us though that sex has always been more important for me than for her, so she has not been affected in the same way as I have as the quantity and quality has dropped. She has though been very patient and adventurous as we have had to try new and different things since treatment.
Alf

ChrisR said...
..... we will never be the men we used to be and will never be as good as any someone who did not have PCa and treatment.

I honestly understand why many many believe the treatment is worse than the disease.

I am sorry to read both these statements.

Firstly, it is wrong to feel your inability to achieve a great erection is making you not as good as any someone who did not have PCa and treatment. There are many ways to bring a woman to orgasm. And there are many things that a woman wants/needs from her partner which you can provide outside of the bedroom. Even with complete ED you can be a better lover than you ever were, and even better than a man who did not have PCa and treatment.

The treatment is worse than the disease at the beginning. But pain, suffering and an early death is worse than loosing your erection.

Peter, can't argue with that except to say I would give up my erection before I'd part with my money, lol

I do know a guy who was 5 years older than me who, because his erection was extremely important - he chose to refuse treatment. I thought he was making a poor decision. After my surgery, I wondered if he was right to refuse treatment, the surgery is a very tough ride !

I bumped into him a few weeks ago. I would not want to have his problems now. I can't believe he is still happy with his choice at this point but every man makes his choice and is left to deal with the consequences.

BTW, she also said she no longer has any feeling in her chest regarding stimulation as well as she has no libido....

Ravineman,

You do know that we are discussing a false dichotomy, don't you? Before I had my surgery I had already decided that I would go to ridiculous lengths to regain as much of my sexuality as possible. At that time my contingency plans extended as far as injections. Now I have extended that plan to involve an implant... probably. I know I will never get back where I was. That's not the goal. I just want something I can work with.

ChrisR,

You clearly need more help with your relationship than you are likely to get here.

Mspt98,

You said...
What do we do, get an implant? For sex once/month?

Yes, that's my plan.

If I didn't already require surgery for incontinence (which affords an opportunity to get the implant at the same time, essentially for free because of out-of-pocket maxima) or if my venous leak wasn't quite so bad, then I'd probably stick with the trimix.

Peter, sorry if I wasn't clear in my post. I am divorced and not in a relationship. My marriage was over long before I was dx. with PCa. It was going to end anyway. We weren't intimate for the 8 years before I was dx. Anyway, not important.

I actually have it very good as far as ED goes. I can achieve full erection without meds. Viagra makes it even better. I am 100% at climax. But........I suffer from severe ureathral pain during and afterwards which makes the whole act very unpleasant. My surgeon says my pain is not a result of RP, but I've had it since the operation 6 years ago. Although, probably the biggest loss to me is the lack of satisfaction after climax. The feeling of release of tension and being "spent" only lasts for about 30 minutes if that. Afterwards, it back to the constant feeling of pre-sex tension all the time.

We could all debate this for hours....fact is this cancer destroys your life no matter whether it kills you or dooms you to my situation for however long I have left. I welcome relief from this one day.

BTW Peter, nobody outside of this place can help unless they can transplant a prostate back into me and give me the sensation back. Funny how we don't appreciate it until it's gone. I never would have guessed this.

This is almost butchery to me.....physically and psychologically......I fully would discourage men under 60ish not to do anything.....But to each his own....

Cmetalman posted this comment on another thread. I think he intended it to go on this one.

He said...
My wife was there for my PC journey , two months post surgery I was there for her BC journey. Being a G6 I don't think much about myself even though ED is a fighting battle , I worry about every app she has with being the surgeon ,radiologist and/or oncologist .

We are both fortunate to have each other .

Cmetalman