Depression in Pca

I am so sorry you're going through this. I wish I had some smart advice but have no idea. I had depression once, induced by interferon, and it was a black hole unlike anything I experienced before. Rough on me but maybe rougher on the family. My wife talked to my doctors, and they tried medication (didn't really counteract the other meds), but until the medical treatment (the interferon) was over with nothing much helped. Maybe when his surgery is done it will pass?

That's a tough one to deal with. Feel for you.
Wish I had a suggestion but honestly, while we're a good bunch of guys and gals here. You may want to talk to a pro about this. Is there a doctor, mental health or some one you can talk to? Sounds like clinic depression setting - very common with PC - and it might be something require professional advice to deal with.

I never know how to deal with things like this. You could give him some space for awhile and see if he comes around on his own or you may need to confront him on it. Or something in between.

I know, not that helpful but you've got a tough one there kid.
Hang in there, you're both on my prayer list tonight.
Andrew

You have had a lot to deal with but everything you have dealt with Paul is going through, and, from your posts he has had a real tough time with it. I certainly don't think that I would fare any better. Just a thought but have you confronted him about it. It may sound tough but sometimes we just need to know that someone has noticed that we are depressed.

Knuk, have you considered speaking to a professional yourself? It might help you deal with the situation and might even help you better understand Pauls mindset and how best to deal with it

I have tried to talk to him. He is on medication and they doubled the dose. Seemed to help some but clearly not enough. Actually meeting with someone on my own Thursday but he REALLY needs to be seen and have this dealt with.

I try to talk to him.. he sometimes listens but mostly lately shuts me out and yells, tries to cause me hurt and push me away. I see why, and what he is doing but I feel I have made things worse. He resents my job, etc. and his inability staring him down. He keeps having major issues and nothing is getting better. He is getting deeper in the depression hole and darker by the day. Even self care is last on his list it seems.

All his suffering is physical, emotional, and oh so deep on both fronts... and never ending it seems.

I tried to get hold of his hospice nurse but she never answered. I hope I have time at work to be able to talk to her to fill her in as I think she is due to come tomorrow. She can talk to the doctor, plus I will see his PCP tomorrow but he's been out for several days so will be pretty busy....

I do feel for both you and Paul. He needs help, but nothing you can push or even force on him, as he has to see himself, that he indeed needs help.

For me, anti-depressents have the opposite effect. I fought major depression years ago, way before I ever had PC, and the meds only prolonged the problems. I have been through my intense PC battle of 6 plus years without the aid of any anti-depressants.

He may well have a mild or moderate form of PTSD related to the surgery. Since 2008, I have underwent 11 surgeries, and I am now spooked by any form of pending surgery. It was very traumatic for me to undergo this recent major dental/oral surgery. I almost aborted the whole thing on the day of the surgery, I was that shook up by it.

It ended up being a rough surgery, and a rough recovery, and I still feel shook over 2 months post surgery. My doctor told me that unless it was life or death, that I should never undergo another major surgery again, especially anything below my navel, as there is just too much scar and radiation damage.
I am not sure I could mentally endure another major surgery, regardless.

Is there anyone that he does trust to talk to? Good friend, relative, clergy, co-worker, anyone? I volunteer myself. Sometimes talking to a stranger (empathetic one of course) is easier than talking to someone that you do know. If interested, be happy to e-mail my contact info, and I have all the time in the world. And no, I would not be lecturing or admonishing him, would try to give him an open board to express his feelings and perhaps his fears, or even insecurities.

What is he about to have done? Is it also major dental surgery like I just had? I could help prepare him for that, if that is the case.

It's also very possible that he needs to be on some kind of med, even if its short term, to help him snap out of this current funk before things get any worse.

Let me know if I can be of help, my offer is both sincere and genuine.

David

I am so sorry to hear about what you and your husband are going through and can truly empathise with your situation. Since a series of life changing events 12 years ago I have been battling serious depression myself. To the point I almost done something very stupid and was only saved by somebody that cared enough to be there for me on that very dark day-days, like you are for your husband now. He may not show it, but believe me he needs you by his side right now, even if he gives the impression otherwise. I also used to push everybody away and wear this mask of being ok, but inside I was a total mess, what others saw was just a veneer. I think we men are like that. We are the “hunter gatherer” and must not show weakness.

Depression can be a killer, there is no doubt about that, but there is no quick fix cure in my opinion. I did try various anti-depressants but with the last one I found that it made me feel worse and drove me back to my “dark thoughts” It just hit me one morning and I stopped taking that pill immediately. I knew I was not sposed to do that and went through two weeks of bad reaction withdrawal symptoms. But then the sun came out and I never looked back. That period reminded me of getting drunk when having a problem. The drink worked fine in masking the problem, but the problem was still there when I woke in the morning.

I had become a recluse in my own home, but what worked for me in the end was human contact, even though I felt I did not want any at the time “leave me alone. I am fine. Go away” But a couple of close friends did not take no for an answer. They would call round, put the kettle on and make a pot of tea and sit talking about random stuff that was not even relevant to my situation. Then when they left I found that I had enjoyed there visit, although I would still not admit it openly. If those people had not been there for me and gently coaxed me back from those dark chapters of my life I very much doubt I would be writing this today. That is the honest truth!

As hard as it may seem right now, stick with it. Be there for your husband and gently coax him without any pressure. Dont take no for an answer. If he pushes you away then go make a pot of tea and sit with him talking about all the fun times you have had and will have. It worked for me and I am sure it will work for you.

God bless you both.

Thanks everyone.

His nurse is coming today. I am sending her an email now trying to let her know some of this as I don't know if I will be here or not for the meeting due to work but will try my hardest to be there.

I am trying, whatever I can do... The work resentment is that I have a life and he doesn't in his eyes. He feels like he is a shell of his former self and well as the man I can get that. He isn't the one taking care of me or supporting me in the traditional role and everything about that is wrong in his eyes. He isn't adjusting to his new life now very well.

He literally has one friend in NH other than that really doesn't talk to anyone. He has been isolating even from me which has me worried of course.

I give him tasks and things to do to try to give him purpose and something to occupy his time and head but last night he flipped about that.... I haven't spoken to him since we got home from him picking me up from work.

I just know he needs help and will try to get him some. Try to find the right things to say or do.

kukukajoo said...

I am trying, whatever I can do... Try to find the right things to say or do.

Once, when trying to cope with being a stepmother, I read that it didn't matter what I did or said, the step kids were going to hate me because their mother was dead and I was not. It was a losing proposition. And I think the same thing is true of caretakers. It doesn't matter what you say or do. You are going to be the brunt because he is terminally ill and you are not. So trying to find the right things to do or say just makes your stress level higher. You have to just do what needs doing and don't blame yourself and don't blame him. It's the disease. Cancer has a mind of it's own. It is the cancer speaking, not Paul. He finds in you a safe place to let his rage and frustration out. Not easy for you, but helpful for him.

kukukajoo,

Can't really offer much helpful beyond thoughts and prayers, but I can offer one bit of insight I gained when my wife was taking care of her dad as he was fighting his losing battle with prostate cancer. She was commuting between North Carolina and Florida -- one week home, one week with her dad -- and he would reliably grow more difficult as the time for her to return to NC approached. I think it was because he had so little control over his life that it made it easier for him if he could pick a fight, get mad at Irene, and convince himself that her leaving was OK with him, even if it wasn't exactly his idea. It helps -- a little bit -- to remember that PCa makes men cranky and not take it personally.

ARangel14,

Can't help you much either except to remind you that Bob's prognosis is pretty good and his depression is his main problem at this point. He's had a rough couple of weeks and probably needs a bit of time for a good sulk. Most guys get over it.

Take care of yourselves.

Beejane, thank you for your reply. It is breathtaking in its scope, beautiful in its articulation and so honestly revealing of your being. You certainly are being Jane… " grow not weary of doing good " I will pray for your husband and all those suffering from this "sickness unto death". Soren Kiergagaard, whose own battle with depression fueled most of his writings and created his infamous " leap of faith " I would not suggest reading his works, their depth is mind searing. But a google for his quotes would be a worthy entry. Reading them out loud to yourself or husband may provide comfort. You certainly have turned to wisdom and "lo it is there". I misjudged you, but "now I see".

Kristi,
I know this is out of left field, but how about a dog? Unless, it would just be more work for you?
It would keep him company while you're gone and force Paul to get up and out of the house.

FWIW,
Lisa