Everything's working, but.....

Not even sure I should be posting His, but I need to vent. It's in no way a complaint about how things are turning out, I'm just letting off some steam.
So I'm away for the weekend, family wedding, out of town. about a 5 hour drive yesterday, staying at a nice hotel.
Wife and I are martied 38 years, very happy, but sex isn't a 3x a week thing anymore, or even a once a week thing. It has become an occasional thing, except for the week or two before my surgery.

So last night I had my first opportunity to test drive my post op erection, in real time, we did the deed, and it worked well. But somehow, it just left me feeing a little empty. My wife said it felt the same for her, she enjoyed it as much as usual. But for me, Can't even explain it. Just empty, almost like unfinished business. I know I am, and should appreciate the fact that I am, lucky.

Also, last night was the rehearsal dinner, saw family that I was and am, always close to but just don't see much anymore, because we live far apart. I always enjoy these get togethers. But just like doing the deed above, this was just not as enjoyable. My cousins were aware of my diagnosis and treatment, asked me how I was doing, but didn't make a big deal about it which I appreciated. We got past it and the rest was good conversation, small talk, catching up, reminiscing, etc, like we always do. But I just felt detached. Almost like I didn't really care as much, other things on my mnd. Just felt different. It's not like they haven't gone thru crap like this, one of them had tough treatment for breast cancer, they get it. But I just felt alone, detached, and a little empty. Couldn't get into the chit chat , mostly sat quietly.

I was leaking a bit more than usual, almost like from the stress of being Ina big group (about 75. - 100 people.) DONT know if that had anything to do with it, but it was upsetting me. (Subject for a different thread)


Wonder if others have felt this way, 2 months after seemingly successful treatment.
I'm afraid I am having trouble getting past this, I don't want PC to become what Defines who I am. But it's starting to feel that way. Mostly what I think about is my next PSA test, early next month

Vent over, thanks for indulging me.

Now you may better understand those of us who strongly endorse AS. If it just gives you a few extra months/years of normalcy it can be well worth it too many. Also as more time passes far less invasive treatments like what I had, will be available. You've had major surgery, too many don't realize the reality of that until after.

I get it. There is something about getting "THE CALL" that says, "you have cancer", that changes everything. I will always be a cancer survivor (twice), and my flesh will always carry the reminders of that. I have a perpetually itchy keloid scar on my back from melanoma removal. It's a minor irritant, no more.

To argue that a cancer diagnosis shouldn't change our perspective on life, on family, on all sorts of things is to argue that we're not human.

My suggestion, brother Pratoman, is to roll with it and go with it. Tomorrow is another beautiful day. Celebrate this wedding with those you love. Allow yourself to love, and be loved. In the end, that's all that matters anyway.

I think when we're first diagnosed we spend so much energy focused on treatments that there's not always room for a lot of other thoughts. After we finish our treatments (at least for those lucky enough to have that milestone) there's a bit of a void. First, we "had cancer" and now we're "cancer survivors." And even that's gray since most all of us will have to live with continued testing to determine if we really are "cancer survivors." I can't say I necessarily know how to resolve my current state.

I'm not sure if that somehow plays into the detachment you mentioned--and regardless, I think we all handle this stage differently. Like most things life throws at us, time is probably the best healer and we all probably heal at different rates.

Pratoman-

You have every right to be grieving right now. You've had a major insult to your sense of well being. Through no fault of your own, you've been altered - a violation of your physical integrity, a big part of who you are. Having suffered a loss, you are having a very appropriate emotional reaction to it. It would be crazy if you didn't feel saddened by it. Part of that is the perception of the world as flat, lifeless, meaningless, B&W, dry, tasteless... Please be kind to yourself and don't berate yourself for feeling what you're feeling.

I remember last feeling that way when my mother died. "How weary stale and flat seem all the uses of this world!" I really did not want to go to the funeral - a natural inclination to avoid unpleasantness. Yet that was the best thing for me - to actually allow myself to fully feel my grief. The only way past it is through it - it's not a feeling you can or should avoid. I assure you - there will eventually be another side to it all.

- Allen

PCa has changed me because this little gland, that I really didn't know a lot about, is (or in my case was) broken. Whether we like it or not, the prostate is one of those fundamental parts that we men have that defines us as men. And, when it breaks, does it mean that "I" am broken as well? Am I less of a real man now that I don't have a prostate anymore?

These are existential questions, I know.

Thanks, buddy, for continuing to put the hard questions, and the hard truths out there for all of us to consider.

Thanks all for the responses

@Allen, thanks for understanding where this is coming from.
@RCS, and everyone else, what am I doing for PC not to define me? I'm trying, as I said. To fight the feeling that it does. Try is all I can do. Try to focus on the logical conclusion, that I am the same person, as Halbert noted with his question, we all are the same person, as we were before the diagnosis and treatment.

I don't know if it's fear about the future, the feeling that things are just different now, probably both.

I'm going to leave shortly for this Wedding, and try to forget about the future for a little while . Hopefully I'll start learning how to do that over timeout of necessity. And if enough time passes, and I'm lucky, maybe I'll even look forward to the future.

It's good to know others here either feel similar, or understand where it comes from.
I'm glad this place is here for letting crap like this out.
Thanks

I tried to talk to you before surgery, but you dismissed me.

Pratoman,

I wasn't trying to be a smart *** with that question. It"s the same question my therapist asks me every time I drag out an anxiety issue. It really helps me, and I thank her every time she asks it.

What am I going to do besides complain? Pop a pill? Worry some more? ..... usually I go for a long walk .... for some reason the walk usually clears up my thinking. Staying busy (work) also helps.

Go slow. Your still recovering. Your orgasms will get better. Mine started off slow ... As in "What the F---". After the first year they were back to toe curling. Currently, I wonder what the issue was.

Best wishes and good luck as you move forward.

Ps. Actually your doing pretty well. Go up to the HW "Anxiety" forum and you'll find some real worriers.

Post Edited (RCS) : 3/7/2015 8:34:53 PM (GMT-7)

Dearest Prat...There's SO MUCH I want to say to you.  I understand what you're going through.  I know that you're a man and I'm a woman...still obvious.  You'd be surprised of how similar the outcomes can be, especially the feelings of detachment.  Surgery performed on the body parts that connect us to our masculinity/femininity is life altering.  We are forever changed.  Anyone who tells you "everything's perfect" post surgery is performing a disservice, not only to themselves, but to those who are beating up on themselves for not feeling "perfect" post surgery.  Yes, it's cliche, as time heals nothing IMO.  However, time does allow you to sort things out and adjust to the changes.

What you are feeling is ABSOLUTELY NORMAL.  It's way too soon for you to harshly judge yourself...if ever.  Focus on the Blessings.  The surgery is behind you.  Your incontinence is subsiding.  You are having erections for sex, though perhaps not yet fullfilling.  Although many of your comrades will put the surgery behind them, unfortunately some may never regain continence or be without pads/shields.  Some will never have a normal libido, much less a natural erection again.  That's their TRUTH, although harsh.

I am so happy for your success thus far, friend.  You are doing great for yourself and for those that will follow.  It's not unusual for a traumatic event to bring about ways for your mind/body to cope.  Detachment is one of those.  It's only temporary.  It's self-preservation, an off shoot of primal fear of death.  Even though you now KNOW that your prognosis is excellent, you cannot lessen your grip on the reigns of fear.  Believe me, I know.  I'm a control freak too.  (No apologies necessary.  That's how we're wired".)

I isolated myself for almost a year after my surgeries (3 total).  I felt gutted, much like a deer.  I felt neutered.  I was so weak from daily projectile vomiting, I could only crawl from bed to bathroom.  I tried to continue my office work from home, but had to take sick leave.  I lost my health, my sexuality, my identity as a woman and wife.  My husband, who was an engineer by day and "Stevie Ray Vaughn lead guitar player" by night, left me to be with several other women.  While I was hospitalized after my final surgery,  He had women in my own freaking bed in my house that I designed and built.  It was an UGLY TIME in my life that I must keep locked away even now to survive.

You are so fortunate to have a loving wife and grown children to gather round and support you.  Kenny, do not push them away.  DO NOT isolate.  Share your feelings with them and let them love you.  This is not about me, nor do I wish for this post to become about me.  Just PLEASE try to avoid the pitfalls that depression presents.  And yes...in my non-medical opinion, you are depressed.  I can only advise you to do what I should have done post surgery.  I needed support I didn't have.  I was embarrassed to share my feelings with anyone.  I needed my husband, but he didn't even want me, as damaged goods.  I wish I had found a therapist earlier.  Can you please find a therapist or a counselor?  Don't let anyone put shame on your game if you need counseling.

On a closing thought for now...My BIL was diagnosed with PC about 5 years ago.  He had the DaVinci procedure, perhaps overkill.  Something went wrong, because he needed a surgical do-over (open abdomen). He was afraid, naturally, as his father and younger brother's PC were further advanced when diagnosed.  He is a big strong "I'm the King of the World" controlling and abusive husband and father. He won't even discuss his cancer, but my sister confides in me for support.  He has not had one well day since the initial surgery.  He wore the full "diapers" for 2 years, changing multiple times throughout the day.  He still cannot control his urine naturally.  He's had some type of mechanism installed that he "pushes" to pee?  He has no erectile sensation whatsoever.  He is a very angry man who was already a cruel jerk before the DX.  My sister and nieces live in a volatile home.  I fear his misery will drive him to kill his family and himself.  He can't control the physical aspects of what has happened to him, and would NEVER see a couselor.  He is a danger to himself and others.  I wonder if he'd dropped the bravado early on, and sought professional help...How different would their lives be?

Misery has a way of changing one's convictions.  Find  those people and things (especially faith) that convict you.  Focus on the love that you have to give and recieve.  Try to focus on life, not death.  Breathe it in.  Give yourself MORE time.  Spring is coming.  I'll bet your wife has a "Honey Do" list waiting for you!

You've got a great group of guy/gals right here that love you and will always be here.  Count me among them (even when I'm off the grid)   I'm still cheering for ALL OF YOU!!!

You have my email if you just need to let it all out.  I do not judge lest I be judged=)

HUGS~~Dixie

Hey Pratoman,

The Meh feeling after orgasm... I had the same thing for 14 months or so after surgery. The important word here is "had". It will never be the same as before but it will get closer over time. I remember feeling confused and very let down afterwards for the first year, almost like wires were crossed and misfiring inside me. Hence my advice to have as much sex as you can before surgery.

Anyway, you are still early in recovery and have better days to look forward to.

Keep at it


Secondly, PCA defining you, haha no way, you kicked it's AZZ. You Win....

I was very active on the forum for months after surgery, between the wet pads, ED, crappy orgasms, pain, PSA worries, emotional trauma, life changing surgery, constant question, and PCA books next to my bed I was all consumed by PCA and treatments. Move on with life, go smell flowers, take a walk enjoy everyday, there is so much more to think about besides PCA. Yesterday was the first time I realized that I don't think of myself as a cancer paitent or even a survivor. PCA was a speedbump in life, I was very lucky and so are you. Go have some fun today and leave all of this behind

Pat

Post Edited (Patrick M) : 3/8/2015 8:30:05 AM (GMT-6)

Prato, though very unlikely for you, it's quite possible that you will never recover fully from the stress leaks. In fact I have not recovered fully at 1 year plus(though I have recovered a lot). But if we don't recover to a satisfactory level, there are always slings and AUSs.
As a last resort those are still options.

@Billy, the stress incontinence is annoying to me, but not so much that I woild do surgery to fix it. If I had to live with it, I could. I'm just hoping it gets resolved. I hope,hoyrs does too

@Jane - thanks. Honestly, I think I need time for now, more than counseling. If I need the latter, I'm not afraid to admit it. But I don't think I'm there yet. Thanks for your thoughts.