Posted 5/1/2015 9:41 PM (GMT 0)
I sent this message(via e-mail) to the wonderful folks who have e-mailed me sweet and encouraging words of comfort and peace, but also wanted the rest of you kind and dear folks to read this message as well. A few of the lady warriors have walked this path until the end (Susan (nhwife), Pat (Dreamer44, Susan (radsgrrl22), Jane (Passages), LuAn (Jitters99), Barb (Bjeno)), and have been my rock to know that I can make it through and still be able to remember the good times, not these last few months. That is what is the saddest of all, these last few months of watching and waiting. Seeing your "man" become frail and unable to do for himself. No one can prepare you for it nor can you be prepared, I tried to be "ready" but I wasn't and still am not,even though "the inevitable is facing me". I try to be strong, but that I fail so many times, and break down and cry. So I myself have good days and bad ones, as my husband does, but we will make it to the next day, and the next, etc. Any disease is cruel but it seems that cancer is more so than most, it strikes, and doesn't care who it takes or who it hurts, it cripples your stamina for awhile, stops you in your tracks. That "C" word. I remember the day Ted got that phone call, that started this journey.
Caregivers, I somewhat think we suffer more than the actual patient, because we are left to gather the shattered pieces of what is left of us, and try to make sense of our situation and live another "kind" of life, alone. I think we will search for some "meaning"to it all.......why our partner, why us? Everyone tells you, "Oh, your strong", you will be okay". Eventually you will survive and possibly "exist", I don't know about "living" a full life again, but you can "exist" I'm sure. Anyway, no one knows what you will be going through unless they have gone through it themselves. Here I go again, becoming the "blubbering idiot" that I have become facing the turmoil that this disease possess on it's "targets".
I know that the future will hold positive treatments for the PC patients everywhere, and there won't be as many of us that will have to walk this path until old age is the culprit.
Yes, it is lonely and those "air hugs" are welcomed and appreciated, your thoughts and kind words are felt, but the nights are long and the future bleak at this stage. We have a son and his family who lives within a walking distance from our house, but you hate to constantly call on them, they too have lives to consider and I feel guilty interfering in their daily routine. Our other son lives several miles away but he comes at least once a month for a few days and does As I was saying ........other son comes and works around the house and fixes "stuff"......So the children are very helpful, but they are not my husband,,,,,,
Anyway.....I will close and again, thank you all......I will try to keep in touch,,,,,,,but it's hard to write, especially if it's been a bad day....
Love, Peace and continued Hope for a cure............
sal (salnted)