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Some advice for future widows and widowers: when the time comes

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Posted 10/18/2015 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for posting this and I am so very sorry for your loss.

It is a difficult subject to broach, but one that must be discussed while you still can. The issues you bring up are very valid and people need to consider them while they still can.

I am an estate planning paralegal and it has taken my husband and I awhile to finally start addressing our own estate plan. I see what families have go through when an estate plan is not in order.

My husband has prostate cancer and is currently undergoing chemo. Our estate plan is complicated in that we are on our second marriage (we've been married for 15 years) and have children from a prior marriage. It has really been brought to our attention that we must create an estate plan and can no longer delay the process. Once it is done, it will be one less thing to worry about.

Although he is the one with the disease, I commute 40 miles to work everyday and have seen many accidents. we've made sure there are life insurance policies in order so that we each have a little money in case one of us passes -- the last thing he needs after dealing with prostate cancer, chemo, etc., is to try to figure out how to pay the bills and keep the house if I go before he does.

Again, thank you for your post!
WifeofAlmosta10
Posted 10/19/2015 6:36 AM (GMT 0)

halbert said...
One thing that I'd add, unless it's buried above somewhere...in some states, safe deposit boxes are sealed at death. The last place you want a will, POA's, etc is in the safe deposit box. I think the 3-ring binder on the shelf where everyone who MIGHT need to find it knows where it is is the best plan.

And, yes, having a piece of paper with hymn choices, participants, for a memorial service is a great idea as well.

Make sure that 3 ring binder on the shelf is in a firebox. :)

Also, to avoid complications, make certain all jointly held accounts read Mr. or Mrs. and not Mr. AND Mrs.
Same for safety deposit boxes. That way the surviving spouse can get into the box without any issues.
As an added protection, I also have my oldest child as a signor on everything I own. She is my mini-me, so needless to say I trust her to carry out everything just as it should be on all things separate.
Posted 10/19/2015 10:25 AM (GMT 0)
MsWW, all good suggestions. In the end, a great deal depends on where you live. In the US, some states are community property states, and some are joint tenancy states. I don't exactly understand the differences. Those differences are the reason you need an attorney involved to set things up. It doesn't cost much, I think the recent update my wife and I did after the last child turned 21 cost us $200.

Just like we're not doctors here, we're not qualified to give legal advice. Practical experience, yes. Legal advice, no.
Posted 10/19/2015 8:30 PM (GMT 0)

halbert said...

Just like we're not doctors here, we're not qualified to give legal advice. Practical experience, yes. Legal advice, no.

I agree 100%. My posts was based on banking and life experience and not meant as legal advice. :)
Posted 10/20/2015 2:18 AM (GMT 0)
"Make sure that 3 ring binder on the shelf is in a firebox. :)"

Also- giving a copy to each 'child' is helpful. Your attorney and executors (the person charged with carrying out your wishes and supervising probate, etc.) should have copies on file. Make sure your family knows who those people are and how to get in touch with them (especially if family lives in another state/country).

I want to emphasize again that having Durable and Medical/Health Care Power of Attorney documents is also very important. If your spouse is hospitalized and is not able/capable of expressing their wishes or making decisions, it is VIATAL that you have those documents. I've put notarized copies of ours in a small notebook so that I can 'grab it and go'. Telling them you have them is not enough- they want to see them. Luckily our preferred hospital now puts a digital copy on file if you bring it with you when you have surgery, etc. , so ours is now on file there. I have also made sure our physicians know and/or have copies. And we make sure that when we fill out those HIPPA documents that we list the other spouse as the person the docs/staff can talk to.
Posted 11/17/2015 4:16 AM (GMT 0)
81gyGuy
This is a good thread ! Your advice is great! Emotionally I know I am not well.I do not know if I ever will be. I look to see Dave in diffrent rooms of the house .My mind knows he isn't here but my heart doesn't see it that way. I go through daily motions of trying to have a life with out him. It is lonely to not have the conversations about the things you talk about as couple. We never really believed that he was as bad as he was, we hoped he had lots of time left and on the day he died it was the last thing I thought would happen that day .
When you are a widow besides the emotional train wreck you are , there is the financial side. Dave passed away on Aug 29th. His mill pension is auto deposited the first of the month. So when I called there after the Labour Day weekend they requested a check back for Septembers money . If I faxed all the paperwork they would re issue what my reduced rate is . That never happened for Sept or Oct but finally showed up this month. I am entitled to survivor bennifits so they stopped any money for that for September and October and last week I finally received back pay for the 2 months and the end of this month should see this back to normal. So get ready in that sense, everyone pays or has monthly bills . Watch because alot have automatic payment come out of checking accounts . Do you have 3 months of bill paying capacity in that account. . ? Remember without money going in it does go. Then there are final expenses and those are payable right away as well.i am very fortunate we made sure that I would be alright. Alot of wives have no idea how to pay bills , they don't know what it costs to run the house.Make sure you learn before you need to know..Do a spread sheet so you know first hand your bills and monthly expenses. The last thing you ever want to worry about is money there is just so much more you are dealing with.
Surround yourself with good freinds. I have great freinds who call just to say hello.I still don't know what to say to, people who ask how I am coping . What is the awnser to that? How do any of us "Cope" what does that actually mean ? I say I go through the motions of each day I keep my my mind busy , I try to live life without Dave ...it ain't easy!
Posted 11/17/2015 6:08 AM (GMT 0)
Sue,

Thank you for taking time to contribute an excellent post.
My Grandparents passed away within 2 days of each other and I faced this exact issue with their auto deposited social security checks and pension checks. They also passed away at the end of the month, so getting the checks stopped before they hit the account was not possible. They kept a cushion so I had some time to get all of the auto drafts stopped. With both of them going so fast, I was thankful for all the dreaded days of balancing their checkbook. (They weren't the best at writing in all transactions.) At least someone knew exactly what their financial situation was and could act accordingly. I was also a signor on the accounts which helped immensely in getting drafts stopped and the account closed.
The only snafu was social security deposited a survivor's benefit of $250.00 then tried to take it back after the account was closed. As it turned out, my Grandfather would have had to survive my Grandmother by 72 hours for that benefit to be payable. Who knew? I didn't ask for it, as I didn't know such a benefit existed. So they gave it then took it away.

Keeping you in thoughts as you try to endure...
Posted 11/17/2015 2:11 PM (GMT 0)
Sue -

Truly sorry for your loss, as I am for the losses of all here who have had to go down this path. Yes, I too know what it's like.

But you offer excellent advice on another aspect of this new financial reality that many of us will come to face. Thank you for that, and God bless!

MsWorryWart -

Thanks to you as well for more excellent advice. It may well help someone here, in the future if not now.

I think this has indeed been a useful thread, and hopefully is providing tips that may prove useful to some in the future.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed so far!
Posted 11/17/2015 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
The practical side of financial dealings is one that doesn't get a lot of airplay..thanks Sue for sharing your experience.

I went through this when my dad passed. He had always used Quicken for the home finances, and had made it understandable to him...but I couldn't figure out anything. So what I did was go back through 2-3 months of bank paper and developed a paper spreadsheet for mom to use. It still took her several months to sort it all out.

It's my observation that in most households one person handles the money and bills, and the other doesn't know much about how it's all handled. This is common, and leads to issues all the time. Solution? I don't really have one.
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