Melancholy

Today my mind is remembering Zufus, Sequoia Ranger, David Emerson, Raddad, and countless other eluding my testosterone starved brain. I Wonder. Why? Surely God as I understand him does not favor one over another.
I have persevered in my fight against the beast. The fight goes on. For now there is peace. The beast is quiet. Again!!! Why?
What is it that allows one to do well and another to fall? The answer eludes me.
Last night I spent an hour on the phone with a pharmaceutical company discussing a new patient resource kit I was reviewing g for them. It was a well thought out kit. I was impressed. My feedback was easy. Put a message of hope on the box and omit the clinical trial data showing a 4.2 month increase in overall survival. Quite frankly, 4.2 months is nothing.
I firmly believe our greatest weapons in our fight is hope and faith. Some men see 4.2 months median survival and see the glass half full. They see it as it should be seen. Others see the same numbers and it is affirmation of their demise. We need to have hope. We need to believe that we can defeat the beast.
I miss my friends.
There is no new blog post today.

Todd –

Andrew nailed it: "…That you've gone on this long is a beacon of hope for many."

That is what they should put on that kit you mentioned. Your story, with all the statistical details, about how high your PSA was at one time, about how bleak things looked for you then, and then how, in spite of all that, you have roared back and have the beast's neck firmly under your foot, certainly for now.

They don't have to cite your name and address or such on that kit, but what they can do is tell the numbers of your story, which will surely offer to many the hope and faith that you mention. Something like:

While individual situations will vary, some men have demonstrated remarkable resiliency in resisting and even suppressing the progress of their cancer. A case in point is a Washington State patient who … (and your stats are just poured out, for others to read and be impressed, even amazed by).

Don't feel that you would be immodest in making this suggestion to them. The details of your case are such that they should want to use your case and data on that kit, to inspire others.

Todd, you wondered also in your post why you thought you were being spared while so many other fine men were being taken down by this disease. It's a question, in general, that mankind has been asking itself since the beginning of time. Why me? Or why not me?. It's a question that most of us here have probably asked ourselves at one time or another.

Well, maybe, just maybe, the reason why you are still here is just what I have been talking about, that your case is to be a source of inspiration and hope, for others to know and be inspired by. Your stats cry out to others: "See what this man has done, despite such poor prognosis? Well, perhaps you can do it too, regardless of how bad things may look!"

Perhaps that really is your destiny, why you are still here, to show others by the example of your case that there is indeed hope for them as well, and you are fulfilling that very destiny, just by being here.

9 daze since surgery...2nd day without the catheter...went through 6 or 7 diapers today...saw a favorite picture of my daughter and son and simply fell f@&$ing apart...couldn't stop crying. Our grand daughters were supposed to spend the night, but I finally told my Bride I couldn't have it...couldn't stand having them here with me so weak and useless, unable to help with meals and baths and blowing up the air mattress and stories.
I screwed up everyone's plans, and scared our 4 year old in the bargain!
Then I caught my breath and came out here and found y'all.

Todd, I too wonder why I am still going when I have lost some of my friends, (some very quickly) to the beast, I guess our body chemistry is different, It has been nearly 9 years since my diagnosis and operation, and even though my PSA took a sharp rise lately, and am now on HT I am going ok, I feel sad for all the guys that have gone from this site since I first came in 2007, but I have to say Todd, that your journey is amazing.

Regards Mal.

Hey Todd,

Long time, no talk...but don't think I don't think about you often. Hope you and your family are doing good.

I think your story continues to amaze and it provides an inspiration to countless people that read your posts. More thank you'll ever know.

I miss Zufus and his twilight zone comments...Raddad and many more...why did they have to leave and we remain? Don't know.

I like to think our friends are looking down at us and smiling knowing we're kicking the beast back with a growing set of tools...and the most important tool we use is the baton our fighting warriors gave us...the courage to carry on, live our lives, and help those in need.

Jerry L.

Sorry about that I wasn't trying to leave anybody out but my phone died. Andrew.... Nice and funny at the same time. Break.... I if I can be an inspiration for 30 more years . Maldives. We been here a long time. One old dog to another.... It's a good thing

Nice post Todd and hopefully you will be understanding as I put out a small editorial, concerning your post tangentially. in other words it just happens to be you.. self edit begins and ends Ok that was carthetic I will delete 90% of what I just wrote and post what I think might be acceptable to moderators.. Remember Todd, you are not the issue of my editorial.

Survivors guilt is common. Be wary of melancholy…it can get warm and fuzzy. The deceased you have mentioned and those that will follow are all in a better place. There is a beginning and an end. The paradigm that is self described as material and the one self described as spiritual{by any self} determines which is the beginning and which is the end for said self.

Ironic yeah Todd…So would everyone else…the moderators most of all
jpenn you're going to survive this….I got connections….

Ironic yeah Todd…So would everyone else…the moderators most of all
jpenn you're going to survive this….I got connections….

In the words of my dad's GP......25 years of borrowed time is still 25 years. Not like you have to pay it back when you're done with it.

He finshed using his borrowed time 11 days ago, just 3 hours after his 85th birthday was finished.

ROCK ON TODD. I am humbled.

Hey Todd

JerryL I have tears of joy from your post which cover the the tears{rips} of the heart ever mended by such as you. Yes profound and confusing…so it is…as any thing of worth. Its the way the world rolls on a tilted axis of power…not good…not bad…nor sad nor glad...tis love and forgiveness that keeps it all from flying apart into a nether land of waste and jest.

Im not sure if poetry is to be understood…there is no meaning other than what the reader reads…this will more than suffice. The whole point of art in general is to transcend understanding and make it what it is not...but what You think it is. No one owns words they are a free gift…they are yours as soon as realized. This way you share in the artist's creativity…nay you are the artist but with your unique color..{rainbow connection}...Understanding ironically ruins it all. It is all about the individual. If you like the art you can not…not like the artist…Its just the way it is JerryL thanks for liking me!…


To all... a mish mash of taughts to You and I from You and I.. If you enjoyed thanks…If not I am balanced….

Post Edited (Bozolidat) : 3/28/2016 7:03:21 PM (GMT-6)

Wow, what a thread! Where to begin with my thoughts as I read and reread.
@ Gilded Splinter: welcome to HW. Thanks for finding us. We are here for you and understand. Just know that kids are resilient. 4 yr old will be back in your lap and have not a care in the world about whether or not you participate or just sit and read a story before calling it quits. Don't feel like you need to be 100 percent. I think it is great that you have allowed yourself to cry. You have had an ordeal.
@ Todd. You are the poster child that every G9 follows for hope and inspiration. We have not all had your good fortune, but I think I speak for others that even when the news isn't as good for us, we are genuinely thrilled to see you are still popping zeros and living large. I too showed the water skiing blog to my DH. As Logo said, you are in a good place until you need to be in a better place. Right now you belong in a good place. You too Jordan. Love the time you spend with your sweetheart and don't even think about the why's. It will only take away from what you have in the here and now.
@ logos..apparently your attempt to disguise yourself as a clown has failed. Everyone knows it's really you.