Shes no longer interested!

I hear that a lot too in my heterosexual support group. Predictably, I advocate psychotherapy and bringing the practice of mindfulness to sexuality. It's an issue they should discuss with their doctors. Sometimes, changing an antidepressant can help. Sometimes, hormones can be adjusted. Sometimes, increasing the level of intimacy and openness may bring a response.

There is a drug called Addyi (flibanserin) that is FDA-approved for women who have not gone through menopause and who are suffering from "hypoactive sexual desire disorder" that is not attributable to medications or to medical, mental or relationship problems. It is ridiculously expensive, probably not covered by insurance, and reports I've read of its effectiveness have been less than stellar.

- Allen

This is one of the more challenging aspects of the whole deal. I went into my treatment decision process with a somewhat different attitude than I've commonly seen expressed here. At the time, my wife had been through menopause for several years already. Because of her family medical history, she has always been adamant about NOT using anything with hormones in it, even the lubricating creams. And, she is one of the women who not only mostly lost her libido with the change, she also experienced some of the most unpleasant effects--dryness and pain with sex. So, because I'd already been dealing with that for several years, the prospect of serious ED really wasn't a big deal for me.

When it comes to the ED prospects, sometimes I think a lot of us are way too invested in it. I haven't been 18 for a long time...and neither have any of you. We see so much in the press and on the internet about how there is something wrong with you if you're not sexually active on a daily basis into your 70's or beyond. And so, we believe that any failure to perform sexually is a failure as a man. I call BS on that whole idea.

Yes, I'm one of the lucky ones who came out of surgery with everything working. I also subscribe to this statement that a co-worker once made: "I still enjoy it as much as I always did. (actually more--the post RALP orgasm is amazing) But it doesn't piss me off when I don't get it like it used to."

PSA3DOT7 said...
A standard answer to "hows your ED progressing/improving" is often met with the rather disappointing reply "I'm doing OK but she's going through menopause and is less interested in sex and I "GAVE UP!"

I would ask why you judge this a "rather disappointing reply"?

PSA3DOT7 said...
How does one motivate men to stay on the ED recovery regime when its costly, takes time - a long time, and keeping the "flame" burning?

Where did you pick up that mission? Is it something members of the group have asked you to do?

Would it work to let them make their own choices about sex?

Or what am I missing?

- Wilderness

I've been thinking about this since I saw it yesterday. Guys, let's face it, if we're in a long marriage and our wives are about our age, this is something a significant percentage of us are going to have to deal with at some point, PC or not.

PC does not change the fact that as we age, our sexual function...and our SO's sexual function...ages with us. It's part of the normal progression of things. An honest look at real studies shows just how common it is. The popular media would tell us that if we're not getting it on well into our 70's and beyond, that there is something wrong with us. And this message is even stronger for women. And we have to ask ourselves the basic questions: Is this realistic in my world? Seriously, how much sex was I having before PC treatment? Which is worse--having permanent, persistent ED, or having the ability and no where to use it? Or, I suppose, one could take the risk of fixing the ED issue and then go out looking for someone to use it with...would that be worth the risk?

I think this is a serious enough topic for real, open discussion in here. No judgment allowed.

Tud,

This forum is full of "value judgements" made by its members. If I admonished each member who made a value judgement I did not agree with I would be a busy man and probably get a lot of threads locked! LOL

@RCS...so true. But Halbert was the one who just said "no judgement allowed" right after he judged those of us who still think sex is important (we are "way too invested"). I'm simply pointing out that, as evidenced by the topics on HW, many, many men (and their wives) still find sex to be important even as we age.

For me it's true that sex is not as frequent as it was many years ago. But it is still an integral part of the intimacy I share with my wife. If we could no longer have that we would survive, but I assure you we would both miss it very much.

@Prato, yes everyone IS different hence my position which is a bit different than some others may feel.

Jim

"She's no longer interested!"

Be sure you are looking in the mirror, too. When's the last time you told her she was beautiful? When was the last legit "date night?" When was the last time you threw out your old, holey underwear and replaced it? Did a few sit-ups?

Lube can be added if less is produced naturally. And remember that the morning can be your friend! Set the alarm earlier.

I think we can all agree that many husbands face this issue, including those who don't have prostate cancer. So what to do? The answers, none of them surprising, vary:

1. Some husbands engage in solo sex, even daily, as a substitute for being with their wives. There's nothing wrong with that. There are some excellent sex toys for men interested in "handling" it themselves.

2. Some secretly engage the services of "professional" sex partners.

3. Some seek sex from another woman who is a "professional," and do so occasionally with the permission of their wife.

4. Some have secret affairs.

5. Some keep talking with their wives, to salvage what they can of their intimacy and sex life.

6. Some give up sex and remain faithful.

7. Some get divorced.

There isn't any one answer for everybody. Having a spouse who loses complete interest in sex is a deeply personal situation. I'll bet a majority of us who are married have a spouse who has lost interest.

One of the best posts I ever read on this was written by a guy in his 70s. He thought a penile implant would be a great thing and salvage his sex life.

He went through all the pain and discomfort of the surgery and guess what? He never used it with his wife. She told him she really didn't want to have sex anymore, and he just said forget it. The only time he pumped it up was for his doctor after the surgery.

Today, the man and his wife are still deeply in love with each other and happy -- although sexless.

I know another man whose wife gives him two "hall passes" a year. The stipulation is that his providers must be drug-and-disease-free professionals, and he can never see the same person more than once. Whatever.

There is no perfect ending or solution that will fit everybody's situation.

Thanks Halbert. I fixed that post up a bit because of the filtering. Look, this is a tough spot to be in. Let's face it, most of us reading or contributing to this thread are in this position.

Unlike my friend who never used his implant, I intend to keep the ability to have erections as long as I am healthy enough to do so.

Now, what I will do with the erections is a much more complicated matter!

Only 2 per year? That ain't right.

I gotcha Jack. If hall passes WERE available, then a two-times-a-year limit would be a huge tease, lol. But on the other hand ...

I mentioned this here before...my wife says where she works, the post menopausal woman all say they are done with sex.