Emotional remission

Hilander, I hear you. For me, I've experienced this as well at work. I think, in part, this is related to the "good cancer" meme that's out there. And, if we show up, and don't act much different, and don't have visible symptoms, it's easy for those around us to forget.

I've not had to deal with chemo/adt, so I don't have specific insight there. There is, however, a belief out there that cancer patients get skinny, loose their hair, get pale, take lots of time off work, etc. And, if we don't do those things, then our co-workers and bosses forget.

Hello Hilander64,

I think part of it is that most of us fellows continue to put on our red "SUPERMAN" capes in front of the public ---we forge ahead, we put on the brave face, we put up the strong facade --- we go to work --- we don't commonly admit to emotional or physical weaknesss ... and those red "SUPERMAN" capes get a daily workout ...

That being said --- that's why we need this website --- we can put the red capes away for a bit --- admit to some worries & fears --- discuss the true emotional and physical toll that the diagnosis, the medications, and the treatments create --- that's why we need each other.

I've got a lot of caring people in my life --- family, friends, work colleagues, community members, and even my school students that I teach --- couldn't ask for better, couldn't ask for more --- but I keep that red "SUPERMAN" cape on most of the time --- job to do, kids to teach, social events, volunteer work ... life to live.

I have to say --- I DO give thanks every day that this website exists for all of us fellows, whenever any of us might be in need ---

I've also forged tight bonds with personal friends of mine who now share my same health diagnosis --- ironically, five or six of my friends now share in my diagnosis --- hometown friends, one of my old college roommates, a minister friend of mine, a work colleague ... they are truly my BROTHERS now, in ever sense of the word --- they call me their "brother" and I think of them as my brothers --- we understand each other when we talk, when we get together --- no need to wear the red "SUPERMAN" capes then --- we get to ask each other, "No --- how are you REALLY doing, my brother? Give it to me straight."

We understand each other --- no cover-up, no brave face needed, no facade --- box of Kleenex, if you need some --- share your personal truth --- we understand the need for tears from time-to-time ---we understand each other --- I give thanks for their friendship, every single day.

Family and friends and colleagues WANT the best for us --- they WANT to see us living life to the fullest --- we want that for ourselves, as well --- and sometimes, putting on that red "SUPERMAN" cape DOES lead to some incredible days --- in our ongoing attempts to remain SUPER HEROES, to the best of our ability, from day-to-day.

Stay strong, my friends !

I.S.U. "Cyclone Fan"

Hilander-

You can't expect your loved ones to be mind readers. They only know what you tell them - if you hide your pain, how can they know? It's pretty scary to admit you're worried, or scared, or need emotional support - but that's exactly why we all need loved ones in our lives - they actually want to be sympathetic and support you. Don't you want to allow your kids, or wife, etc to feel they can be vulnerable and to feel they can count on you to support them? They feel the same way -- it's part of being human. How does it serve you or anyone else to "be strong?" I can still recall my frustration when my mother did not want to "burden me" with her cancer. I wanted to be burdened! That's what I was there for. Life is not always a bed of roses, and every adult knows that. You are only pushing away the ones who care the most if you do not let them in.

- Allen

My two cents

I agree forging through this is what makes us strong. That's one way our loved one's see us as who we are.

But, when you are tanked and feel like the back side of dead rhino, then gracefully letting your loved ones know you don't feel well is good/healthy.

Your children will learn lessons from both situations, one nice one not so nice. But both valuable lessons.

When I was 8 years old my brother went to Vietnam. When I was 10 years old my father was shipped off to Vietnam. I was so sheltered I had no clue what that meant. Looking back, I wish I had known. There were so many lessons/values I could have learned then.

Thank you all for the replies and your experiences. I haven't been in this for very long and I know there is a very long road ahead which probably only makes this worse (I can hear people now..."You still have cancer?"). I don't post often but read everyday so just having all of you available to bounce things like this off of when I need to is huge...Thank You All.

Todd

I'm wondering if your wife might be in denial. We all go thru these steps when faced with life threatening illness. I know Charlie accepted his diagnosis much sooner than I did and I'm sure I wasn't as supportive or empathetic as I should have been. It is difficult when you look good and are still functioning well and then we don't want you to be sick so we can tell ourselves you are not sick and block it out easier than you can. As Charlie's disease has progressed I realized that I had been in denial longer than he was and I feel sad. I am now more attuned to his feelings, symptoms and pain. Communication is key, difficult to do but it is a necessity. Don't be fearful of asking for what you need or want-she will only be able to provide if you tell her. Does your wife go with you to your dr appointments? It might help her get more in tuned to what's happening. I don't feel our family-esp Charlie's parents and sisters are very supportive but thru counseling I have learned to accept how "it is" and forget about how I think "it should be"! Good luck and prayers for you and your family.
Post Edited (Nell79) : 7/12/2016 6:03:43 PM (GMT-6)


NOTE: Nell79 posted this as a new post; I think she meant this as a reply to your postings. (Nell, if not please tell me and I will fix it). Jim

Hello Hilander64,

I consider everyone here a brother ... so, I honestly wish I lived in your town, because I honestly would be glad to join you as a comrade for your upcoming treatments ... just down-to-earth, brotherly support. I'm feeling for you right now ...

When I started my treatments, various relatives, friends, and work colleagues volunteered to go along with me --- that was comforting. In the end, it's kind of ironic --- but my DAD joined me for my chemo treatments, because he is also a prostate cancer patient. He's retired now ... so, it worked out for him to join me ... and ironically, we have the same doctors ! Interesting twist of fate, I guess you could say ...

Twenty years ago, my father had also had leukemia ... he was hospitalized for 100 days straight and I was at the hospital every single one of those 100 days, so my dad and I formed quite a bond because of that ... which continues now that we are both prostate cancer patients ...

I think it's harder for men to "reach out" and form bonds of support sometimes. That's why I see the tremendous value and importance of this website. Ironically, five or six of my best friends now share in my diagnosis --- friends from my hometown, one of my college roommates, a minister friend of mine, & a work colleague ... the minute I learned of their diagnosis, our bond of friendship became even tighter ...

Since then, we have reached out to each other in incredible ways ... we check on each other ... we send messages ... we get together ... we call each other. It's been incredible ... we feel very fortunate that we know each other and that we have been friends for years ... I no longer consider them my friends ... they are my friends who have now become my BROTHERS, in every sense of the word.

Being a part of this forum has HELPED ME to learn a valuable lesson ... REACH OUT. We all need each other ... and others need US, in fair return. It's a tough road to travel, sometimes ... in ways that others can't truly fathom. That's why we need the BAND OF BROTHERS here on this forum, sometimes !

Anyway --- check in here OFTEN, Hilander64 --- I honestly wish that I could go along with you to your next chemo treatment, just as a fellow BROTHER IN THE BATTLE ... but always know, you DO have my unwavering support, every step of the way ...

Handshake from across the miles,
I.S.U. "Cyclone Fan"

Post script = I'm with you on the iced tea --- that's a daily necessity for me, all day long, year 'round.

You can't have it both ways....what you can have is...one day you can be happy that those around you are happy for you and the next day you can be sad that they are not...but you can't do both at the same time...that would be dumb...

We are all human beings, that are to varying degrees very self centered.

"Yes you have cancer, but I gotta get the kid to soccer practice"

(I very much admire folks who can empathize without the "Yes, but"; followed by a story of their current woes. I heard Mother Theresa was good at empathy .... I am not.)

I am sure your kids do care a lot ....maybe they are chips off of the old block .... strong silent types. If you open up to them, maybe with time they will be able to open up to you .... kinda like a group hug.

Good luck ... people here care.