My husband is becoming steadily very anti-social - My vent - maybe read and forget!

You and your husband have been through a lot. I can relate to the isolation and withdrawl. I do encourage my wife to go places as often as she can. While I am in treatment for PCA it seems the meds have taken a toll. Today I realized that I have only been swimming at our wonderful lakes in north Georgia two times this year, and normally I would have been thirty to forty times. So I think my fatigue has something to do with this, but you are probably correct about depression. Maybe seeing a Therapist or taking medication for depression might help. I still wonder if everything will ever be the same again. I wish you all the very best
Michael

Hello Yaamba,

Read your post, and from my vantage point, sitting here on the sidelines, hoping to help you in some way ...

From the sound of things, it sounds like your husband is experiencing some form of depression, manifesting itself as social withdrawal.

At least he still goes to the gym and is still keeping up social ties with your immediate family ... but other friendships and social connections at the golf course and gym seem to be slipping away ... there are some "red flags" of alarm going off here, as I read your post ...

More than anything, YOU are concerned, and that's important and NOT to be overlooked ... it sounds like YOUR social life is diminishing, and that is a cause for concern. You are devoted to your husband ... but you feel your friendships and social outlets slipping away ...

I WILL say that I have several friends who share in my same diagnosis --- they come from different chapters of my life --- hometown friends, my college years, a work colleague connection, a church minister friend of mine ---

Often, it's harder for fellows to "reach out" or express their inner feelings or emotions to others --- this forum REALLY helps with that, in many regards. Some fellows attend cancer support groups, which can be very helpful.

In my case, I am thankful that other friends of mine who share in my same health concern HAVE reached out to me, when they were diagnosed, asking for advice and support --- and we have great heart-to-heart visits whenever we need to do so --- and we support each other in incredible ways --- they are my friends who are now my BROTHERS, in every sense of the word. One connection like that in your life can make a tremendous difference ... is there someone in your husband's life who could become a trusted "health buddy" for him who also has a health diagnosis ?

Some advice for you, looking at your situation ... let's get a proactive plan considered here ... just some thoughts to share with you, Yaamba ...

* PLEASE go into the doctor's consultation room with your husband for his next appointment. Express your concerns to your husband's doctor. You can also ask to speak to his doctor privately, if you have to --- whatever it takes. Doctors of cancer patients are often VERY in tune to issues with social withdrawal, anxiety, worry, or depression. Medications and treatments can also cause physical fatigue, and this might also be the underlying problem. Doctors can recommend support groups, counseling options, or medication. You might have to "take the lead" and become an advocate for your husband.

* ENLIST the help of someone else whom your husband trusts. All of us fellows usually have SOMEONE that we will listen to --- besides our girlfriends or wives. It could be one of your husband's golfing buddies, an old work colleague, a church clergyman, a trusted neighbor, a brother, an old high school classmate, an old college roommate, one of your daughters, or a son-in-law from your family.

For me, it's often my old college roommates ... we're close ... they are my "college brothers" ... we've been there for each other for decades ... we're honest with each other, and we are loyal to each other, no matter what. Who's that person in your husband's life ?

I call these trusted people in our lives the "breakthrough" people --- almost all of us fellows have a few of these people in our lives who will lay the cards on the table in an honest and supportive and helpful way ... and say, "I've known you for a long time ... I need to talk to you ... I'm worried that you are not quite yourself lately ... that concerns me ... and I think maybe we need to get some help lined up for you, because you know I've always cared about you."

Can you enlist that person in your husband's life to have that conversation with him? It's hard sometimes ... those difficult conversations ...

As time goes forward, it would be great if your husband could "connect" with another fellow who shares a health diagnosis --- I have these friends in my life --- we understand one another --- we check in with each other --- we support each other --- it's AMAZING what one "health buddy" can do to enrich your life and make you realize you are not alone. This forum provides those connections and friendships and comrades right here, as well ...

These are my thoughts and "bits and pieces" of advice ... I think it's important that your husband's doctor becomes aware of your concerns --- and I feel it's important that you continue to do what it takes to get your husband re-connected to his friends --- because I see that YOUR social life is suffering, too ---

I think there's a lot of help and support out there for your husband --- stay positive, keep encouraging him, & practice patience ...

Your love and devotion to your husband is quite evident --- I wish you all the best --- keep in touch with us here.

Sent with my best,
"Cyclone Fan" ~ Iowa State University

I hate to say...but honestly I (wife) feel like your husband! Over the last 5-8 years I have cut out most of what kept me running around. I used to have a very active civic and political life and really I just decided that I did the best I could and it was time for others to pick up the slack. After my husband's dx last year I am very protective of what occupies our minds. And I have very little interest in complicating our lives (other people's drama, that has occurred to me that I cannot control) with the exception of our childrens' lives. At 76, my husband has lost several dear friends this year and it does take its toll. He is like your husband, ever the optimist and the type who cannot sit down, however, the hormones really knocked him out and he really pushes himself to regain his stamina. I just emailed him the most recent Dr Snuffy Myers newsletter (thank you Break60) about exercise and it gave him reassurance that he is right to push himself to get goin! Maybe it will help your husband. I am not sure if your husband is on hormones but some find an antidepressant helpful. Also, you should try to develop an independent social life to stay as involved as you need. Maybe your husband will tag along when the mood strikes him. Also, maybe a PCa support group would help him if you can find one local to you.
Best to you both,
Jo
http://prostateforum.us3.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=c0d8ce0558462196cd0d62682&id=c53f0aae7b&e=da36390fd4

Post Edited (JoJoLA) : 9/4/2016 10:02:09 PM (GMT-6)

yaamba.... You're doing the best you can do under some very trying circumstances. How frustrating it must be for your needs to be lost in the haze of something you feel you have no control over whatsoever. It's great that you're venting. (keep it coming).

As you see in my signature, I was diagnosed at the age of 56. I was living on a 56' boat (That's a big boat for one guy to keep pristine and RUNNING, which I did myself). I had a girlfriend. I bought and sold airplanes (hobby and profit), I bought toys...cars..etc... It seems as if that was 20 years ago to me now.

After my surgery, I had complications. First...I was re-hospitalized. The sutures around the bladder neck had come loose. This wasn't apparent to anyone until I began to be sick...about 6 days after the cath was pulled. I was in the hospital 5 days. My kidneys had completely shut down. My body was full of urine. My path report showed a positive margin. They reinserted the cath for another 2 to 3 weeks. I could not eat after discharge (the second time). more tests. I developed blood clots in my left leg. (blood thinner for 5 mos). I began to urinate blood. This lasted 2 mos. I went for a scope, they couldn't get the scope into my bladder because a stricture had developed. Another trip to the hospital to open me up and scope my bladder. I've been to the ER 3 times since my surgery. I can't take any type of meds for ED. They ALL give me severe side effects. I'm going against doctor's orders by not treating this stricture. It's stabilized and I don't much care for his treatment plan. I know with this positive margin...we can be as optimistic as we want on here but with this positive margin...I'm more than likely going to need radiation at some point. I also know that's going to be a problem with this stricture. I've just begun medication for high blood pressure. And I'm probably forgetting stuff. I say that to say this.....

This works on men's minds. All I want to do is to hide. I've sold my boat. I couldn't take care of it and didn't care about anymore anyway...I mean....boating is for "healthy folk"...right? Or at least that's the mindset. When a man gets struck by lightning 2 or 3 times....it makes it difficult to go out in the rain again. You just want to stay home. You begin to feel as if you have nothing to offer. You can no longer depend on your body to take care of you. You quit trusting your own body.

In the morning, I'm flying over to South Carolina to look at an airplane to possibly buy. It's the first time I've done a darn thing since this life changing nightmare began. It's difficult to remember when I was last healthy. But...tomorrow I'm heading out to try and re-claim some of my life. It's not easy. I'm scared to death now to go anywhere. Next week I have an 8 day trip to Florida planned. I'm going down to drive a boat back to Tennessee from Florida for the owner. I've been told to not stray far from medical help due to kidney stones that, if passed...would get stuck in my stricture. But...I have to go. I cannot stay in this mindset. There's just no way. But it is darn hard! And your husband...forget about what he's been through. That's history. But...it has taken it's toll...trust me. And now...he's looking at more serious problems. I've now found 2 other men who have completely isolated themselves from the outside world because of....not this disease per se....but from the treatment's that they've had to endure.

I had a shrink tell me not long ago....that we all carry problems in a back pack. These problems have weight. And the heavier the weight...the more difficult it can be to walk. And the further one walks...and the heavier that back pack gets...at some point...no matter how strong a person is....given enough weight...every man will buckle at some point. It's physically and mentally impossible, given enough weight, to continue to walk. It sounds as if though the weight of what you and your husband have been through, plus the weight that's continuing to be added...is beginning to take it's toll. AND THAT'S NORMAL. It's a part of it. Baked into the cake. gonna happen. period.

Try and get out. Go with your friends. Be social. Don't let this bring you both down anymore than you can possibly help it. Don't give into this crap. If he wants to stay home...his weight is just to heavy. GO!! Go yourself. Life changes for us all. We have to adjust. We have to adapt. And we can still have a good life! With adjustments....and frame of mind. I'm heading out. I'm scared to death of change. But change I must or I will sit here and, quite literally, die. I'm convinced of this. Change. adapt. and go with it the change. don't let it stop you. You're carrying weight yourself. do whatever you must do to lighten YOUR load. (and this may very well lighten the load of your husband). No guilt trips here. Just the facts and information. If you can lighten your weight...you are doing both you and your husband good. Don't be afraid to do this. I'm am with you all the way. Everyone on this board is pulling for you.

Get out there. And keep venting here!!!! Vent away. I've vented on here so much. And these people (including myself)....just keep telling me to keep coming back. And you do too. I'll be looking for you.

Hang in there.

island time: an extraordinary post, filled with great insight and wonderful advice, infused with a personal history that provides a compelling context for your observations. Thanks for your candor and honesty.

Wow, Diane - thanks for the kind words. The mutual support here is truly invaluable, sometimes just to help us realize we're not alone in this! It's a difficult road, and no less so for caregivers.

Your husband deeply appreciates your care, I'm sure. Try not to let yourself be completely consumed by it. My loving wife does her best too, and I'm conscious of what I say to her. We've had a very few times that she's accidentally said something very hurtful without realizing it. I told her once that her comment was something a cancer patient would never say to another cancer patient. It's just a lack of perspective and completely understandable.

Having been diagnosed, there is an honesty and openness to the thoughts and feelings resulting from it that is simply not there for others. My wife does her best to understand, and is very supportive. There is only one way she'd truly understand, and I hope that never happens to her. I hope she never hears those words.

I'm glad you found our forum, though sorry you folks needed to. It's a great group of understanding people. We're here for you....

Having suffered with depression and gotten cured long before dx with PCa, these symptoms point to that horrible disease. If I hadn't found a cure before dx I'd be a dead man now. He needs to see a psychiatrist ASAP. No need to suffer with this and PCa!! The miracle drug for me was Cymbalta (duloxetine). Getting rid of stress also helped ( retirement!!!!) Now vigorous exercise ( aerobic and resistance ) has kept me "up" while on ADT which otherwise would be a big downer.
Please act on this!!!!
Bob

Lots of men, sick or not, who have played sports their whole life can lose interest in the games as they grow older and unable to play to the level to which they were accustomed. I used to live to play golf. Over 100 rounds a year. Last year I played 7 holes. It was always a challenge to battle aging and attempt to stay at my prior skill level. Disease murdered that. Golf went from a passion to a depressing reminder of what I have physically become. No thanks!

The answer I found is to develop a NEW passion. Find something. Grow. It can be anything. In this case, the learning curve is our friend. We can get BETTER at something. I wish you guys all the happiness you can make. Good luck.

Yaamba, sorry you are going thru this. I've gotta agree with Ed...this does NOT sound like a normal aging issue. I am not competent enough or knowledgeable enough about depression to diagnose him but I do think something is amiss. Can you get your physician to refer him to a psychologist or can you get him to go on his own? Lacking that you might consider posting on the Healing Well Depression Forum to get some knowledgeable feedback.

Jim

Yaamba, I think I know what your hubby is feeling, and I'm just starting this journey. I, too, have been through the open heart surgery bit, as well as several other heart surgeries, and those alone are enough to bring about clinical depression. Add to that the impact of PC, and some new uncertainties regarding the path ahead of him, and he probably feels pretty far down in the dumps. I've had that kind of a day today, so I can only imagine what he is feeling if he's that way a lot.

I agree with the others, though. See if you can convince him to be evaluated and get help for potential depression. He sought help with his PC, so why not seek help for this. Tell him that the evaluation is not to "fix" depression, but only to see if he has it. Then let the therapist take over. They know how to work with patients who don't want to admit that they "might" be depressed.

What a wonderful post...you do know yaamba...that your husband is very fortunate to have a spouse such as you...

Your weekend trip...look forward to it...get exited...then let it happen...on its own terms...
some one once told me not to "push the river" Good advice for all of us.....