Feeling depressed-Maybe just needing to vent

I have been going back over some of my earlier posts and see I didn't respond to some questions concerning my HT. I'm scheduled for 24 months. Because my plan was changed to IMRT+HT.

Right now I'm almost through with 2 weeks. Labor day scratched a day and the $ billion machine broke down this last Friday. Hope that doesn't happen too often.

I'm beginning to hate water and seem to be having trouble timing it so that my bladder is completely full.
Right now that is one of the hardest parts. I usually end up peeing for about 2 hours after treatment which gets tiring. Also get extremely tired after treatment.

I've been feeling depressed and tired and knowing I have a long ways to go can get me down. I try to stay positive, but that is a struggle sometimes. I realize that the HT has a huge effect on some of this. Now that I'm on IMRT that tends to be forgotten.

I'm trying to stay positive for my wife as the labido has dissapeared and I'm not feeling too great or romantic. We try to hold each other before going to sleep but I worry about her. This thing of course is happening to both of us and is tough on both of us in a different way.

By going back and seeing where I was 3 1/2 months ago, and reading the things I was posting then as opposed to how I feel today does show me that I'm adjusting to my new life. I try to look back on "others"early posts (guys that are here now giving encouragement) and see that everyone has experienced the same things I'm going through to some degree or the other. That's what is great about being here.

As I read some of the new posts of guys just hearing they have PC and are at that frantic scared to death stage and they don't know a thing about whats happening to them, I realize I'm not that much further ahead of that stage. They are just getting on this roller coaster ride where as I've already been on it a bit. I'm getting a little more at ease with the ride yet still don't know what's coming up.

My mind is still struggling to stay in today. Trying to find that balance of just staying in today but also trying to be proactive. I sometimes wonder about what my real prognosis is. If I had pushed for surgery I would know exactly if the horse had left the barn. Or as a G9 would I really know? And what about the Brachy I was so convinced was the answer. What if I would have taken the chance with the side effects and gone ahead with that. Did I make the right choice?.

I'm at that stage of my ride where I've made the decision of my treatment, I've started that treatment and I need to stay confident that the choices that I made and the thought I put into it and the studying I did,and the questions I asked and the answers I got, lead me to the correct choice.

I'm really doing ok. I've just had a few bad days. The machine breaking down,may have triggered it ,I don't know. And does it really matter?

I have great hope. There are many more options down the this ride that are there should I need them. And many more options being developed. It's good for me to have a place to just sit and write how I'm feeling. And I know that my feelings will be heard and understood.Maybe by doing just what I'm doing right now will help someone who just got on the ride.

I don't have a lot of wisdom or knowledge yet and I have much to learn about PC. I don't know what's around
the corner. What I do have is my experience so far. And that's the most comforting thing I've found here at HW is the sharing of one's experience. Talking with guys that have been where I've been and where I am right now and have been right where I'm going.

I hope I have helped someone with my little rant because it really is "giving away what you have that helps you to get you to where got to get"

I know it helped me today....Thanks

The Artistic One - Mark

Mark-

I am so with you emotionally, physically, and temporally. It is a darn good post, for you and for all of us.

I know how we start to feel "less lovable", even though my wife assures me that is not the case (and I know it to be so whenever I am with her).

We will feel down. We will feel better than yesterday often. And it is a great hope for all of us that tomorrow is always variable in these days of wine and roses.

Brothers in arms we are-
Hang tough
rf

Mark, I have had my depressed days or at least parts of days since this stuff started, and I don't even have the excuse of HT! ( or RT! ) It comes and goes, mostly goes thank goodness. So, though I don't really have anything inspiring to say- I mean let's face it, it kind of sucks - I can say: I hear you, brother!

Post Edited (BillyBob@388) : 9/12/2016 6:04:08 PM (GMT-6)

So much here that's so familiar. I can't add a lot to what others have said, but a couple of practical comments.

For the full bladder, I had a 2 step process. I'd be normally hydrated, but starting two hours before my scheduled session I stopped drinking anything at all. No water, no tea, no coffee (which I couldn't drink during treatment anyway). Then, about 1/2 hour before the appointment I'd drink 12-14 ounces of water. I got a reusable bottle and marked a line on it. That sequence would end up in a reasonably full bladder on time, about every time. The worst is when the session was delayed for some reason (equipment issues, problems with a prior patient). Then the bladder kept getting more and more full, sometimes very uncomfortably so. Some guys can release it partially and stop, though I never could do that.

Regarding anti-depressants, it's a very mixed bag. With RT, and even with HT, I maintained a decent level of functional capability though my libido did decline rapidly. Physical and emotional closeness was still important, even if we didn't often "get busy". Eventually, due to a very rough 2013 losing my brother-in-law and a few close friends to various cancers, and even my mom in Sept 2013, it all started crashing in on me. I went on anti-depressants, first Prozac and then Lexapro. What I didn't know is one of their side effects is "anorgasmia", the inability to orgasm. So the worst, even with some decent functional ability, and determination if not desire, the last straw was that there could be no reward for sexual relations. So, for about a year and a half I had a love/hate relationship with the anti-depressant. It helped lift the dark clouds, but created another kind that almost felt worse.

Eventually, I weaned off the anti-depressant over about a six month period, and the anorgasmia eventually resolved. I say this as a heads up, if not perhaps a warning, that anti-depressants can help, but they can hurt in other ways. Getting off of Lexapro is a slow process; if done too quickly, it causes peculiar and disturbing side-effects known as "brain zaps". It took me the full six months, slowly tapering off.

Take anti-depressants if needed, but only if needed. If you need them then you need them, and sometimes we do. I know I did at the time. Just be aware there are trade offs, and the docs won't tell you about them.

yaamba said...
Hello to all,

Don't feel too depressed regarding your partners needs about your loss of libido. Most women who experience menopause are going and/or have been through exactly what you are now going through. Most of us are not so interested in the sexual act as such, but just to feel loved, wanted and emotionally dear to our husbands. A warm cuddle, a kiss, a compliment or two will go a long long long way.

Ask HER what she wants. I am sure she will agree.

cheers.

You're so right! My wife and I are pretty much on the same page even at this point!

Good post Mark! Do you do art? If so what type , may I ask?.......M_T....pretty funny for sure ....that "0 interest in sex"...WEIRDLY STRANGE !

Hey Mark! just found this post again .......Thank you for telling me about your art . I have been doing silver work since high school ...big time during the 70`s-90`s....when I started wearing glasses , it slowed down , and now just getting rid of old stock ...gifts to friends and family etc. When at Kent State in Ohio( yes, I was there during the shootings) my major was pottery....also my first love....ended up doing a lot of Raku...and as the carpal tunnel and nerve damage to right arm progressed over the years , I have given that up too......I can relate to the "just no feeling about sex" ...and it just does`nt really matter feeling while on Lupron or some other type of HT. My wife having pretty severe dementia still desires sex and I feel bad that my relentless sex drive I used to have , vanished . But we are getting along and with her dementia , I`m sure it is not as serious as it could be with us, as back 5-6 years ago.....life is strange ......good ... hope your having a good day !! .... David