How do you manage your emotional state?

I have been diagnosed with G9 PCa 3 weeks ago. The first week was very tough. I couldn't sleep or function at all since I have two young kids and I'm 45 years old and never see it coming. I'd thought about dying in a car accident or some sort of accident. The usual thought of what happens to my kids if I die but never thought about dying from cancer in at young age. Anyway my question to you guys is how did/do you handle it emotionally? I have had days where I didn't think about the cancer and went on living life as if nothing has happened and then I've caught myself and almost felt guilty as why I'm not reading about the treatments and researches and etc. But when I do it makes me extremely depressed. Obviously I am at the very begining of this journey and I haven't started any treatments yet to remind me of the cancer on a regular basis.
The other issue is when I start reading about it I spent hours and hours on it and at the end, I feel I still don't know anything about it. I was thinking it might be better for me to put together a good team of Drs and trust them with my treatments and not worry about it every minutes of the short amount of time I have in my hands.

Sometimes I think I would probably could live longer if I didn't know I have cancer.

Please let me know how do you guys find the balance no matter what stage of cancer you have.

As you might guess I'm very confused and appreciate your input.

Here is my previous thread
https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=35&m=3798227

This is all very fresh for you, and you are having a very normal reaction. In fact, it would be abnormal if you weren't feeling this way.

I had a relatively low grade cancer, but because of my family history, it was more than enough to generate a lot of anxiety. My head was reeling. I'd be thinking about it even when I wasn't conscious of thinking about it. And I was also dealing with a major breakup at the same time. I decided I needed help working through it all, and got psychotherapy. The first thing I got was a scrip for Klonopin which took it all down a notch and helped me sleep more. Sleep is a great healer. I used it for a week or two.

My therapist taught me some basic techniques of Mindfulness stress reduction. It's ridiculously easy - you just focus on your breath instead of your head, and then just simply notice what it is you're thinking about and feeling. No attempt to get rid of any thoughts or feelings, just notice them. Later, I learned some other tricks, but that's basically it. It took me about 2-3 months practicing it once a day, or whenever I needed to, until I got into the habit of it. Maybe in 2-3 months enough time had passed that I would have coped better anyway. We humans are very good at adapting to anything.

Anyway, now I can't imagine life without it - it's part of who I am. I'm in the habit (I am far from perfect at it) of focussing on the present moment and dealing with things as they are, not as I imagine they might be or imagine how it might have been. For the most part, I leave fantasizing to my novels and other parts of my life where they serve a constructive, more pleasant purpose.

Hi Steve,
I fully understand what you are going through. Believe me, I'm sure all of us here have or had the same feelings after their diagnosis. Do yourself a favor. Do research but don't bury yourself in it. After talking with my family, friends and doctors, each of them said to take a vacation from trying to read everything you can find. You said you have kids. Spend time with them. Try to do the things you would normally do with them. I've been told you have to stay positive. It's very hard to do if you're in our shoes. I find myself doing the same things you do. You try to forget about this battle and then get upset and feel guilty. It's a long road Steve. You have to manage it in little pieces and don't let it overwhelm you. My first post on here was titled GS9 and overwhelmed. The folks on here, both men and women, are here to listen to your every concern. I think Artist Mark said it in your other post. It's a band of brothers.
I've gone through the Biopsies, the scans, the MRI's, the consults, the constant reading and I'm about to start the treatment phase. The pressure is always there. When I discussed my treatment plan with both a surgeon, who recommended RT, and an RO, we had a plan set that took away a lot of my stress. Then after an MRI, they saw a spot on my pelvis and had a bone biopsy done. Thank god it was negative. But that episode threw almost the whole original plan out the window. Right back to stressing until I got the negative diagnosis. Now, I almost feel like I can kick this things ass. I think it renewed the fight in me. I have upcoming appointments to get back to the original plan. It's going to be HT, Brachytherapy, followed by IMRT. Up and down. It's bound to happen.
Look. This is a disease and a club nobody wants to be part of. But in life, things happen. Will you get emotional? We all did and we probably all still do. Will you get through this? You better just make sure you fight like hell to assure you do. You have 2 young kids at home. That's even more ammunition for you to fight with. Don't think about not being there. Think about always being there. I have 2 daughters. One is getting married in August. I have to fight this just like you have to. I want to see my future grandchildren graduate college. Being emotional and thinking about the future is absolutely normal. It's part of being human. But so is fighting to live and exist.
Laugh one minute, cry another. Read up on this disease, research it, but don't drive yourself crazy. You don't have to know everything about prostate cancer and the treatments available. If you arm yourself with at least some knowledge, you can feel more comfortable being able to speak with the team of doctors you meet with. One piece of advice. Remember, you are your best advocate. Get the answers to the questions you have. There are some folks on here who are extremely well versed in the treatments plans and facilities you may have available to you. I've learned a lot from them, but my knowledge of this is nothing compared to them. They are here to support you. We all are.
The best of luck

If someone has figured this out please let us know.

I handled using these tools:

denial
crying
depression
excessive writing
going into my workshop and hiding/making/destroying things
complaining to my doctors
watching old WWII movies
poetry
walking
talking to my pastor
relying on my spirituality/faith
trying to be realistic
having nightmares
spending large amounts of time here
going to lunch with friends

There is no simple answer other than you do need to find a way to handle it. Sometimes that means reaching out to a professional, sometimes that means sharing your feelings with spouse/family/trusted friends.

Honestly that you've posted here about it is a good thing. There is no magic here, just plowing ahead and asking for help. Things are confusing now, but as you get more information and get further down the road you'll find a path that works.

Peace,
Andrew

i'm so sorry, steve, that you are also in this club now. it's my dad who has the cancer (gleason 8, diagnosed in 2010. 2017 just a few weeks ago a met to the spine was discovered) but the family's emotions have been all over the place too. i felt like i dealt with this better the first time around than i am now but there is good advice on this board and it has been a godsend.

to give you some encouragement, there are so many people in the gleason 8-10 range who have beat this thing right down and are doing great many years after diagnosis. my dad's gleason 8 was taking up most of his prostate and the PSA after surgery was still high (started a 4 pre-surgery and was 2 after it...so not a huge change) but he has managed 7 years "cancer free" with one bone met only showing up only now - and during this time he's had a good quality of life. i'm hopeful that he's still got many years ahead. so many people here and elsewhere have had very encouraging results and hopefully that gives you some hope too. i wish you and your family all the best through all of this and emotion-wise, i believe venting them all is good and cathartic. we are all here for you if and when you need! just know you aren't alone and that there are many people rooting for you.

This is one instance of benefit from my abused childhood. I had to do a lot of work to survive and then even more to be OK. While I cannot tell you what to do, I can tell you what I do towards maintaining emotional stability as best possible.

I use an "intellectual coping strategy" for starters. In the case of PCa, that means that I have learned a crap-ton about it now (from books and the Internet) so I have become very familiar with the enemy. I hang out here, pay attention and participate.That gives me a feeling of control which helps even if it is an illusion.

Then, I exercise hard every morning for 2 -3 hours beginning with a 7 mile run with my American Field Yellow Labrador retriever, Sandra Joy. She just had her third mast cell sarcoma cancer surgery last Friday, today she has a new zipper on her side and has taken her meds so she is ready to go, as am I. We will do our regular run this AM and play hard as well. I stay "in the moment" and do not think of other things then. This increases 'feel good' chemicals in my blood stream and lifts my mood significantly.

Mindfulness meditation as described on page 1 of Healing Well is very helpful, I practice that every day as part of my life philosophy. I try very hard to "be here, now", remember that the decisions I made yesterday cannot be remade today as I made the best decision at the time that I could with the information I had at hand then. No second guessing past decisions, regret is a waste of time and energy. Also, since much of what we fear will happen does not, I try not to focus on the progression, the tests or the treatments that may come to me in the future. I take care of challenges as they come up rather than imagining up front how bad they might be if/when they get here.

I eat right, get plenty of rest and do my job. I focus on what I have, NOT what I do not have.

All of that pretty much keeps me on an even emotional keel. That is very important as depression and anxiety are the top 2 dangerous side effects of having cancer and getting treatment for it. It is very hard to Heal Well if you are feeling overwhelmed by depression and/or anxiety.

You have a crew of kindred souls here who are supportive and have given you good advice. Different things work for different people. Give yourself time to adjust to the new reality.
*Read and research, but try not to obsess.
*Exercise each day as much as you can.
*Help your body heal and stay strong by healthy eating.
*Find support through friends, family-you already found Healing Well. Some days I can feel the optimism when I need it most.
*Continue to do the things that give you joy.
*Contact your doctor for anti-anxiety meds if you need them--there's no valor in suffering unnecessarily. You won't need it everyday.
*Know that you're not alone. If you open up to others (online or in person), you'll find you're in pretty good company.

You are in the in between zone, the hardest part of the journey.

As John_TX said, once you have a plan and begin to act on it things will improve. You feel like you are actively doing something to maintain your health.

It's the hardest thing to do but the best thing - one step at a time, take it as it comes.

Jon

Steve...a lot of good answers here and I'm not sure I can add anything in terms of how to manage emotions. I will say that it gets easier with time...especially once you start treatment and you're taking concrete steps to get beyond this.

I'd also say that even with a high risk diagnosis like a G9, there are chances that you can do well. Really well. I was touched with this at 51 so I can only imagine what it's like to be diagnosed at 45. But I'm 56 now and looking forward. There's a good chance that you will too.

Hey Steve,

I used the time to learn about treatments and options. I also decided I would control what I could control - my physical health.
I tried to get in shape. Every single treatment was either more effective, had a quicker recovery time, or had fewer post-treatment side effects if the patient was in shape. I got my BMI to dead nuts in the middle of the healthy range. (BMI: 21.5. Fortunately that was easy for me to do since I was not far off.)
Something I wish I had been told was the good chance that my last erection would be the night before my surgery. That was so far from my mind. Had I known, I would have been exercising what I had to increase blood flow and improve connections. It has been 7+ years and I'd be lying if I said i didn't miss it every day.
If yours still works get busy using it.
Now cue the Rocky music and get out there and exercise. You are preparing for the fight of your life. Walk, run, jog, You have the best weather in the world right now. Go outside and use it.
Music for day time.
Music for night time. ;-)

Jeff

Steve,
Sorry to see you had to join this fraternity. But know this group on here is awesome in terms of providing information and comfort. I too was diagnosed at the age of 44. Similar to you, I had the thoughts of near immortality which was shattered with the diagnosis. I still joke that I had no idea what a PSA test or prostate was until my dr called me to tell me he was concerned.

As many have posted you will go through a range of emotions. Don't bottle them up, share them here or with your spouse, or trusted friends.

For me I also just wanted to keep busy. For me it was being outdoors.

Let us know how you progress but know there is a community of men and women that have gone through what you are experiencing, best of luck.

BTW, I'm 3 months from my surgery and actually find out today if I'm clean or will require additional treatments. I'll be posting shortly about this topic as well.

Steve,
This is a club that none of us ever figured on being a member of, so saying welcome seems out of place. That being said, this is an excellent place to find out details and ask "dumb" questions! Just limit your "research" time, since I found out quickly it can become a black hole for your time and drain your energy.

I was diagnosed in 2012, based on a fluke and the mistaken identification of a bump on my prostate during a digital exam. The phone call from my doctor about the resulting biopsy (PC- Gleason 6) was one of the worst moments in my life. Looking back now, I think my hardest task was trying to figure out the available options and how to proceed. I talked to a bunch of doctors, (but did not know about this site yet) but in spite of my research, didn't/couldn't fully grasp the implications and details on the path forward.

As my orthopedist later told me - "If you talk to a surgeon, he will recommend surgery; a radiation oncologist will recommend the radiation therapy; and both will tell you about the problems with the other's method and benefits of theirs..."

I went through an open radical prostatectomy in 12/14 at UCLA, had just about every complication you could name (including a double hernia due to an infection in the surgical incision). In talking with another PC patient later, we agreed that Teaching Hospitals may have cutting-edge technology but may not the best option for you if your procedure is done by a resident instead of the "expert". Unfortunately about 15 months later my PSA (raised to Gleason 7 following surgery) was climbing again.

I went to the Cancer Treatment Center of America facility in Phoenix AZ for a second opinion on dealing with the recurrence. Indirectly I wish I had gone there initially; however I was amazed that they really looked at all of my records (including getting the actual pathology slides) and had a full team review every detail before I even met with them. The difference of having everything and everyone in one place was incredible, (including nutritionist, naturopathic, massage and other specialists)compared with me running around trying to set up my appointments to ask questions of my different doctors.

I went through 8 weeks of RT in Phoenix last November and hopefully that will stop the PC.

I would highly recommend that wherever you go for treatment, make sure that they provide the full buffet not ale carte menu to give you the best options and choices. Then you and your wife need to consider how the choices will impact your lives and the quality of life. I found out that many doctors do not even want to discuss the quality of life candidly. Instead many will quote the statistics about ED, incontinence and other possible impacts like gospel instead of talking about their performance/results.

As you have seen, your diagnosis of PC limits your options, so try to make the best "lemonade" you can and accept that your life will be different. At the same time, focus on the positive aspects of your life and how you can use the techniques discussed here to remain positive and proactive.

Take care,