thanks so much, all. i thank god you are all here and your words have really helped give me more strength and stabilised me a little. i think i have been heading towards this point for a while since the cancer came back (i coped much better the first time around, weirdly enough) and i guess it was a little bit of an emotional breakdown and a big wave of total despair just washed over me and i couldn't get away from it. i guess i've been reflecting on the mistakes the first time aroudn and swore we wouldn't make them again. but then this one was made so recently...i know it wasn't our "fault" the surgery went ahead, as we had no info to go on and this risk wasn't mentioned to us. but i guess i wish i'd pushed harder the couple weeks before it to get radiation done quickly instead of just accepting the wait time.
the hospital that did the surgery isn't the same one we're going to for the cancer. i think if it was, they would've mentioned that risk. the meeting with the radiation onc on monday was disappointing as he was pretty pessimistic and i put it down to being old-fashioned or something, when in reality i guess he knows the score and that it's the surgery that's changed everything. before that meeting, i thought another 5 years was the minimum my dad had left, becasue what i've seen here and elsewhere suggests that. but his take wasn't so optimistic...though he didn't give an "endpoint" (and i didn't ask) he did say that he should do any big trips sooner rather than later, and in the next 1 or 2 years for sure. so that was a lot to take.
thank you all so much for these kind and amazing words, and just for your general kindness. i know we all aren't thrilled about
the circumstances that lead us to join this community but i appreciate you all so much. i have come to my parents place to help out and my husband (and me!) live across the ocean, so that support i'd normally have, even just in the form of hugs and reassurance, isn't there. that's not to say my parents don't hug, they do! but i can't go to them for comfort because i want to be the one comforting them. my sister was a huge support while she was here but she also had to go back for work.
peter, thanks for that analogy - it's actually helped me see things a little more clearly and you're right...all the little variables aren't major in the big picture, as the fact is, we are dealing with gleason 8 metastases. i guess my thought is that this surgery has taken years away that might've been there otherwise. but who knows, i guess i never will and that will bother me i'm sure but...it is what it is. now i just have to find a way to move forward and not destroy myself in the process too, because that will destroy my parents even more. i guess i'm feeling very self-destructive and self-hating right now but i know that isn't helping anyone or this situation.
maybe i'll get a good night's sleep and that'll help me too.
i don't know...we just had that chance so recently and we lost it...and now we might pay with years taken away from us. i hate the thought of that
