My Life's Work

I'm so much newer to the journey, but I definitely feel like I've been in a similar hole and can't get out of it (and I'm not even the one with a health problem...I'm the spouse). I dove into research, then a cardiac issue came up, and I stayed in the steep part of the learning curve with that too...and I can't seem to dig out. Sleep and exercise are the only times I'm not thinking about it, and I am starting to realize I'm doing too much of both of those things.

My husband, who is actually the patient, is at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. He listens to the docs, takes his medicine, shows up for his radiation, and doesn't think about it much the rest of the time (which now that I'm writing that is probably part of why I feel the need to remain so vigilant...).

We're going to see a counselor who specializes in cancer patients and their families in a couple days. I plan to discuss this with her, because I kind of feel like some vigilance is good (and in fact my research and early vigilance completely changed treatment course in a good way), but I might be bordering on obsession at this point ;)

I'm definitely looking for an answer to two specific questions (I do know what I'm looking for), I'm not sure they exist either.

WifeofPie,
Your husband and mine are two peas in a pod. When he was first diagnosed, my husband made only one clear decision. He was not going to spend the rest of his life in front of a computer screen. He sleeps like a baby, knowing that I'm doing all the research and worrying.

I wonder sometimes if the old days were easier, before patients and caregivers had the ability to be so involved. I'm certain that there were (and are) diagnostic errors and less than optimal care provided at times, but patients usually didn't figure it out.

I've considered giving up and giving in to whatever the doctors say but I can't. I think a part of me carries a lot of guilt for not knowing about PSA screening and ensuring that he had it done. If I'd known, our life would be totally different right now.

Annie88 said...
I've considered giving up and giving in to whatever the doctors say but I can't. I think a part of me carries a lot of guilt for not knowing about PSA screening and ensuring that he had it done. If I'd known, our life would be totally different right now.

Part of ME carries a lot of guilt for trusting my doctor to do what was best for me. My cancer would have been caught earlier if I'd known more about prostate cancer. And since we moved to Florida the situation is even worse. Doctors here don't do ANYTHING unless you know enough to ask them about it.

iSU Cyclone of course nails it when he says...."balance your life" . In order to balance your life you need to find an equilibrium. The equilibrium is the middle point between fighting your cancer and accepting your cancer will do whatever it is programmed to do.
Nobody wants to hear that because it acknowledges that we are not in control which we so desperately wish to be.
We are wired to live. That is how our ancestors survived and we got here. But be rational. Death is part of life. It is not life or death, it is life and death. We will die. We want it to be later than sooner. But nature does not care what we think.
While we fight for survival we have to accept death. If you do not accept death you create this enormous tension between life (which you want) and death ( which is the ultimate victor). The only loser in this dynamic is your life...the number of days you forfeit .

Pratoman,

I think it is normal that you focus on your health problems and I do not feel you are obsessed ....... of course I have posted more than 1,000 times to this forum; therefore, I am probably not the most objective person to judge.

You are doing all the right things to address your health and "worry" problems ....... so if you are obsessed, enjoy your obsessions.

I am glad you come to this forum and share your insights (worries/obsessions?) ...... I enjoy your company.

Pratoman,

You'll enjoy this. Read your response/questions before my first caffeine de jour. The part:

and 4 (don't laugh, please) ugly feet

and thought "Whaaa? Four ugly feet??????"

Anyway (I'm better now...)



Fear of the unknown

As a financial planner, think of it as advising a young couple about investing a small inheritance in a big, no-load, low operating cost, SP500 index fund for 20 yrs. Is it a sure thing? No, but it's very probably going to work out well.



Maybe too touchy feely for my personality?

I get that. But I have seen yoga classes offered in military field houses and IC secure sites. In some cases right next to more "serious" stuff like Krav Maga, etc. It's all viewed as a competitive weapon for self development. Guarantee these people weren't much worried about touchy feely. Even in the commercial classes like YMCA, only a small part is like that, the rest all physical. I think the teachers are just trying to emphasis that there is a connection there. Breathing, stretching, holding poses until those particular muscles "release", balancing, mindfulness, proper form -- it's all there.



Fear of being the only dude in the room

Yes, that's kinda the way it is. about 20% men, if that. But being in a classroom with a load of women, many young, all fit or trying to get fit, is not necessarily a bad thing.


ugly feet

Really, no one is going to care. They are all worried about their own poses, balancing, watching/listening to the instructor's directions. A good number of class members just keep their socks on during class, esp. in the bigger "warehouse/air-conditioned" rooms. You could do that, too, if it is an issue.



Forgot to mention, and another poster mentioned:

You will want to visit a few different classes, maybe talk to the instructors. Where I live, there are many Y's or other gyms, different classes taught by different teachers. For me and wife, we have stuck to the "basic" or "intermediate" yoga, and they are very similar regardless of teacher. We are not interested in the "hot" or "power" yoga versions, as we already do other aerobics, biking and in-home weights. But, yes, there are other yoga versions if you are so inclined.

There is also a small chance of injury, like in poses like "the plow" or "crow". A good instructor will lay it all out, with appropriate safety tips, before even allowing the class to start that pose. Each and every time, because there are "first-timers" in every class. If you are in a class and the instructor does *not* do that, just skip those poses and never go back to that class again. But, really, injury is a small risk. You can get hurt in martial arts classes, in the weight-room, etc., if careless.

Thanks all for your comments, they are all helpful.

@stayingtuned - this isn't bout death. I actually don't fear death, although I fear for my family should I die. It's bout my fear of being sick, and living like and being obsessed about being a person whose quality of life would suffer. And it's about that same thing happening to a family member. I realize there are some, many, who re going through that, so for now, I shouldn't complain.

@Jaybee and Bobbiesan - I am going to look into the yoga thing, thanks. Jaybee, I've bookmarked the article thank you

@RCS - thnks for the kind and helpful words.

@pax - a CFO, I should've known. I was thinking you must be an engineer. But it makes sense . Thanks for the suggestion .

@Peter - I'll send you an email. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

I guess it's a natural thing to focus on health when ones health isn't so great. Hard to believe that up until 2 1/2 years ago, I had not been seriously sick a day in my life, and didn't have a care in the world. That's probably part of this -trauma of being blindsided multiple times. Gotta just get over it and get over myself. It is what it is.
I keep going back to our great friend Sonny, whose words of wisdom are always helpful and who is always looking to help a fellow brother whenever he can, no matter what he is going thru himself. His now famous words. " every day is a bonus, squeeze the juice out of life"

Prato, I see you are still worrying! Or an alternative you stated: not worried so much as obsessed! Yes, I can relate. And speaking of worrying, old Mr. very high risk here goes for a PSA in just a few hours. Bummer.

However, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you: your case is terminal. You are going to die. I can't say with any assurance what so ever whether your appointment with death is before or after mine. Or any one else. But that is your certain fate. The current death rate for humans is still 100%, regardless of complicating issues and despite medical science advances, although the timing can vary quite a lot.

I don't have much experience with Yoga, though for many years I was a dedicated meditation type before I decided to give that up. However, I do recall that a wise man once said: "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." and yet another said to someone who had great plans for his future: "'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'".

Sorry, I appear to just be rambling, and don't really have much to offer. I suppose I could give some good news to go with the bad I gave above: for all you know, no matter what actions you take or don't take, you might live many more years in relative health before the inevitable happens. Just like the rest of us, you just don't know.

I wish I could be more helpful. Good luck and God bless you!

If you ask small children what their "work" is, they will say it is to "Play".
They are following their minds and hearts in the present moment.
Sometimes they are active, or working with things - sometimes they are just sitting and just looking at something for the first time with new eyes.
If they hurt or get sick, they cry, ask for help, and want comfort, love, and hugs.
They may take naps and have sweet dreams. They have fun with their bodies and their food and drink. They often sing and laugh at the drop of a hat. They are authentic, and not yet tied to roles and expectations for work and formal learning that will come.

When we get Old, we sometimes have to relearn what we already knew how to do.

My feeling sometimes about the last 5 years of a person's life is that it, hopefully, in many ways it may parallel the first 5 years of life, only in reverse. All the "job" and "roles" and "shoulda, woulda, coulda" stuff fades away, and, if we're lucky, we get to return to the trust of loving arms and care.

Charles

Thanks for all the comments, all helpful and good stuff to think about.
Mel, good to see you posting, I sent you an email a few days ago and was starting to get a little bit concerned when I didn't hear back.

Trying my best Tim, and yes, all I, or any of us , can do in our situation, with our conflicted feelings, is chip away at it