End of Life Journey (II)

Dear Beth
I am so very sorry about your beloved Gary. I want to thank you for writing this journal for us all. I can't tell you what it has meant to me, and I'm sure to so many who have not even posted. When my husband was diagnosed, I felt I had no where to turn, and I reached out to you by email. You were so gracious and kind to me, and I really thank you for that. I am heartbroken for you. I hope you will be able to take some time the next couple of months to take care of yourself now. Hugs to you and your family.

Thank you Beth for sharing with all of us your days and nights caring for Gary.

May you find peace, meaning, a path forward.

Wilderness.

I am so, so sorry to read this, Beth. Praying for peace and comfort in your memories. Thank you for sharing with us. You have been an inspiration and a wonderful example of love in action. You have my deepest sympathy.
Chris

Beth, my deepest condolences. You must be heartbroken. Thank you again so much for sharing your journey with such bravery and love. I hope you are able to get some rest now, you surely deserve it.
Mina

Very sorry to learn of the news. Thank you Beth for your courage and spirit. _Ken

Beth

I'm so sorry for your loss, both you and your family have been in my prayers and will continue to be. At last Gary has no pain. May he Rest in Peace.

Dearest HW friends,who honestly, I consider my second "family",
I am so moved by all of your posts and so comforted by all the love and caring concern that I have received from you. I want to respond to each post individually, but I'm overwhelmed...there are so many, and they are all so heartfelt and sincere. I have to keep wiping away the tears just to keep reading through them. And then I have to read them over again because they are just so darn sweet!

When I first considered starting this thread, I did so because I felt like I was so unprepared to go through the end of life process with Gary, when I felt so well educated by the forum members in every other aspect of PCa. What I underestimated was the outpouring of encouragement, support and love from everyone here. So many of you have remarked that you appreciated my sharing and the courage to do this. But it was all of YOU that provided me with the support and encouragement that propped me up on many long and lonely nights, and every single day from the day I began documenting our story. It often helped me to think: tomorrow I'll tell the HW folks about this and they will offer me good advice and the encouragement to get through another day. From my heart, to all of you that shared in this journey, my deepest and most sincere gratitude.

Even though the Curious one has just recently joined, I have always appreciated his posts for his candor and sage advice:
"remember to ask for some help if you need it with some of the appropriate local "details" that happen shortly after death. "
Immediately following Gary's passing I felt completely overwhelmed with grief and paralyzed with what do do first, and then next, and then realized I wasn't ready to leave his side to do anything and that my son was going to quickly fall apart and take me with him. He's my sensitive one. So I sent my son and his girlfriend home with the grandbaby, assuring him I would be fine and needed some alone time and needed to make phone calls. Then I called the hospice nurse, who said she'd be right there. Then I called Gary's mom, hung up and THEN I completely lost it.
The hospice nurse arrived after about half an hour, enveloped me in her arms, said all the right words, checked Gary for a heartbeat and then asked me what I needed her to do. Even though I knew I had the number for the mortuary, I just couldn't leave Gary's side to make to make the call. Mostly I just needed someone there that could provide me comfort and that didn't need someone to comfort them.
The second instance of asking for help (actually being offered and accepting) is from a friend who has recently lost her husband. She is going to accompany me to the mortuary tomorrow to meet with the folks there. We will have coffee at her house and I will tell her what Gary's wishes were. Then we will go together and she will help me stay focused and not be persuaded to buy or pay for anything other than what Gary and I had agreed. In retrospect, I wish I had done a little more investigating of the business (and it is a for profit business, btw) here locally prior to Gary passing. Our mortuary is the only one in our small community, so they have no local competition. I hope no one gets offended by these remarks. I'm not trying to skimp out on the costs. Gary and I both have similar feelings about paying a lot for funerals and such. You may recall, we were married in a barn.

Also, Charles wrote: "If it might help you to describe any of the details of how Gary died, or the handling of his body afterward, or things related to how the children and grandchildren are reacting to Gary's death, or other things that stand out for you, please feel free to do so. It may help - both you, and us."
My first reaction was: " Oh heck no...nobody wants to be burdened with our grief and the details after death! " And then I thought, "This is part of the journey too."
So okay. But it's late and I will share the "immediately following the end of life journey" post tomorrow. And it will dovetail into the HW book club discussion thread, and that will have to be the end of our end of life journey.
Beth

Post Edited (celebrate life) : 8/1/2017 12:11:57 AM (GMT-6)

Sending much love and peace. Both of you are much loved. And although it's been said before, thanking you for sharing your and Garys' journey with us. I realize everyone's path is different but watching from afar, and seeing your grace, dignity and beauty, has helped prepare my future.

Beth,
I do not visit this forum as regularly as I once did, but have followed your post. The fight against PC has made us all a close knit family, though we've never met. What you and Gary have shared has been an inspiration to us. I have prayed for you both along your journey, as I have today. Our journey really never ends, even after our physical life has ended. God has provided the way for us to continue, and I am convinced the best is yet to come.
Mack

Several members have asked that these threads be made "sticky". I've explained that there can only be two "stickies" per forum at the site owner's direction.

I have added both threads to PDA's list of long running threads, as referred to in the first post of the sticky of the same name. I realize it takes a couple of additional clicks to get there, but it is now linked to a location that is known to all of us.

I hope this is of help.

Beth-

I just saw this. I am so sorry to hear of Gary's passing to a better place. It is all of our loss, but especially yours - a loss that will always be with you. But so is the gain for having had him with you. From the time you first came on HW, I knew you were very special people. Yes, certainly in the way you stayed powerful throughout, and helped others, but also your grace and your amazing integrity. I always had the feeling that you two were making the most of your life together, accepting (though not always liking) each moment.. Your family sounds amazing - what a gift to be together in love at the end of life. Suffering sucks, but it is only the disease doing that. Love is much stronger - it is greater than suffering, greater than disease and greater than death.

Beth –

I had thought about holding off on making this post, as I wasn't sure the timing was right. That maybe it was too soon for such a post. But after thinking it over I think maybe that this probably is the right time to make it.

In September 2015 I started a thread called "Some advice to future widows and widowers: when the time comes." It was a collection of observations that I had made about some of the things that had happened in my own life, and how I dealt with them, when my wife died suddenly in April 2011.

The theme of the thread was that I wanted to pass on to anyone who was reading it some of the things that I had learned from that experience, especially things that I hadn't seen mentioned in any of the books or websites that I had looked at after Marilyn died: specific things that I thought it would be useful for a newly widowed or widowered person to know.

Some of the thread dealt with planning ahead for when the spouse had passed, but some of it, especially at the start, also dealt with the immediate aftermath of that passing, things relevant to you now.

The thread seemed to be well received, generating a good response, and I like to think it was useful to some who read it.

Here's the link to it, which I offer for what it's worth. If you would like to take a look at it sometime, I hope it might prove helpful.

www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=35&m=3487901