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I am feeling a lot of rage against oncologists after losing my dad

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Posted 6/6/2019 10:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all,

Tomorrow will be a month since I have lost one of my best friends-my dear dad- to pc. But I cant get over it. I keep imagining the possibility of having him for longer time. Well he was relatively not so old 70 y.o.Who knows when they stopped CPR, he would still have a chance to come back? I sm so anxious and angry with all the onco team who were working on him in the last two yeras he was fighting with his cancer.
He started with prostatectomy and then chemotherapy, after some time zytiga, again different chemo, back to zytiga and was proposed to try Lutetium therapy when he just started declining so fast. The onco says we tried everything but I still hate him with all my being.

Post Edited (Farz53) : 6/11/2019 10:25:05 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/6/2019 11:00 PM (GMT 0)
you might want to contact a counselor or therapist who can help you work through your anger and emotions.
Posted 6/7/2019 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
Farz, I'm sorry to hear about what you have been going through, both with your loss and now the rage you are enduring. I really don't know what to say. Though, of course, I don't know at all, I suspect most likely the oncos did indeed do everything possible. It's just that, though sometimes what they (and all of our docs) can do seems almost miraculous, other times- and not uncommonly- they can't do crapola. I sometimes question if they don't do more harm than good.

It is hard for me to understand that they actually accomplished anything useful with the chemo for my 40 year old daughter in law, with the Mesothelioma that killed her within 6 months of diagnoses. Did the chemo give her a few weeks or a couple of months to make up for the suffering that the chemo itself caused? No way I can ever know, I can only know it was hell on earth for all concerned.

I'm sorry that I don't have anything useful or helpful to say, except that I'm sorry for your pain. Cancer or something else is going to kill every one of us, death is going to get me and you and every one we love. There is no escape, only- when we are very lucky- a delay. And sometimes it shocks us by taking out a loved one way before we ever expected it. Truth is, your Dad's oncos could well have done everything possible and perfectly, but within their medical world of meds and treatments, they simply didn't have anything that could stand a chance fighting what was after your Dad. Unless you suspect gross malpractice, it is very likely they did everything they could. Why wouldn't they? Those treatments are how they make their money, if no other reason. They don't make any money just watching some one die without throwing every possible treatment at them. But sometimes, they just don't have anything.

May you know the peace that surpasses all understanding!

Post Edited (BillyBob@388) : 6/6/2019 6:29:38 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/7/2019 12:39 AM (GMT 0)

Farz53 said...
Hi all,

Tomorrow will be a month that I have lost one of my best friends-my dearest dad- to pc. But I cant get over it. I keep imagining the possibility of having him for longer time. Well he was relatively not so old 70 y.o.Who knows when they stopped CPR, he would still have a chance to come back? I sm so anxious and angry with all the onco team who were working with him in the last two yeras he was fighting cancer.
He started with prostatectomy and then chemotherapy, after some time zytiga again chemo and then zytiga and was proposed to try Lutetium therapy when he just started declining so fast. The onco says we tried everything but I still hate him with all my being.

I am sorry for your loss.
Posted 6/7/2019 1:03 AM (GMT 0)
Farz, I am so sorry that you have lost you dear Dad. Dad's are so very special...they are, and will always be our deep, strong roots.

The painful emotions you are feeling right now must be hard to understand, but please keep hopeful that the anger will ease one day a little bit. And you will be able to instead feel more at peace remembering all that your father has been, as his specialness lives on.
Posted 6/7/2019 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
I lost my dad a few years ago to colon cancer. I only know my feeling at the time and I know it was terrible for me. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him. I will say that after some time the pain and anguish went away and most of my thoughts are of the good times we had together. There’s no good answer to the feeling you are describing but time will help. Plus, in my case, I know my dad wouldn’t have wanted me to dwell on the pain and negative feelings. I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope that you are able to overcome the feelings you have. It just sucks.
Posted 6/8/2019 7:41 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much folks. I was told that it will get better after a month but it didn't. I was dad's favourite daughter and I feel so unloved by my mom. I just wish it was a nightmare that my real lifetime emotional support is not here anymore. Now I clearly see the discrimination my mom always had between me and my siblings. Its painful and its complicated.
Sometimes I feel I am just looking for someone to blame for my pain, now the oncologists... They might have been able to do much better but it was the best team possible I could provide for my dad.I did what I could and...
You guys are right. sooner or later we all will be gone. but some people are truly more significant that others in our life.😓😓😓😓

Post Edited (Farz53) : 6/9/2019 9:07:09 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/8/2019 9:23 AM (GMT 0)
Age 70, be thankful you had him so long. My Dad died when his was 39 of a heart attack. I was 11. He left a wife and five young children, the youngest was my brother age 5.
Posted 6/8/2019 12:39 PM (GMT 0)
@Stay+: Believe it or not having your dad up to 70 doesnt make the farewell any easier. I agree that other financiacl and basic needs are already fulfilled by a dad who has adult children. But the emotional bound and the illusion that : He has been and will be always there, the addiction to have him in every single ceremony and gatherings, all the life you have shared with him these are the things that makes it so hard even if a parent passes over 80. This is based on my friends and ( now) my experience that someone who loses their parent later in life cannot be called so lucky specially when he or she is still grieving the loss.
Posted 6/8/2019 12:44 PM (GMT 0)
After I read my post again, it does seem harsh. I didn't mean it that way. What I meant was to cherish the time you had with your Dad. Celebrate his life and the love you shared.
Posted 6/8/2019 12:55 PM (GMT 0)
Farz, the comment made to you that “it will get better after a month” is, unfortunately, nonsense. If only it could be that easy. Everyone is different, and every relationship is different. But give it time. Be patient. Be kind to yourself and recognize you did all you could and more, and he was lucky to have you as a son.

When my mom died at age 54, I was devastated. It took many months for me to come to terms with it. And I sought out the help I needed. As Andrew said above, maybe it’s something you should consider. I also remember when she died, that my grandmother said to me, after she was only gone a week, “don’t worry, you’ll get over it”. God forgive me in that moment, I wanted to punch her in the face. But my dad saw how upset I was, and pulled me aside. He said, “you’ll never get over it. But you’ll learn to live with it. And life will be good again. You just need to give it time”

Hang in there. get professional help if you feel you need it
Posted 6/8/2019 1:22 PM (GMT 0)
@Stay+: I am very sorry if my answer was a bit bitter too. I just noticed that. I am dealing with lots of anger inside,I don't deny.Thanks for posting and sharing your care. God bless Your dad.
@Pratoman: I do feel what wanting to punch someone on the face means. When I saw the onco. after my dad passed, (we were there to donate some quite expensive supplements to him that my dad never had the chance to use, just in case another patient needs it and cannot afford it). My younger sister asked the doctor to donate them to whoever he preferred . The onco. looked a bit sad with the news but he said something that I felt the worst pain in my chest and stomach : He is better off gone, no more dealing with illness!
I can't translate it very well to English as it is a Persian phrase. But I did feel a lot of sadness, anger, hatred... that I got silent and couldn't say a word to him. I just left the practice room.
I am my dad's daughter and not his son by the way.

Post Edited (Farz53) : 6/8/2019 1:55:19 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/8/2019 1:52 PM (GMT 0)
Dads tend to take care of their little girls, no matter how old. The sons are expected to sort it out and move on.

I can almost agree with the oncologist's comment. Living with advanced PCa can be very painful and difficult, but we seem to do it for someone else. A wife, children, parents. No one wants to leave them, but we don't get to choose.
Posted 6/8/2019 4:51 PM (GMT 0)

Farz53 said...
@Stay+: I am very sorry if my answer was a bit bitter too. I just noticed that. I am dealing with lost of anger inside that I don't deny.Thanks for posting and sharing your care. God bless Your dad.
@Pratoman: I do feel how wanting to punch some one on the face means. When I saw the onco. after my dad passed, (we were there to donate some quite expensive supplements to him that my dad never had the chance to use, just in case another patient needs it and cannot afford it). My younger sister asked the doctor to donate them to who he chose. The onco. looked a bit sad with the news but he said something that I felt the worst pain in my chest and stomach : He is better off gone, no more dealing with illness! I can't translate it very well to English as it is a Persian phrase. But I did feel a lot of sadness, anger, hatred... that I got silent and couldn't say a word to him. I just left the practice room.
I am my dad's daughter and not his son by the way.


My wife died after a long and painful, degrading cancer fight. I was holding her at last breath, at that moment I was overwhelmed but I clearly felt her spirit feel relief and joy of escape from the body racked with pain. That is what I focus on in the bad times, it’s about her being in a better place, not me. Grief counseling helps, don’t try to carry that load alone.

Post Edited (LifeCointosses) : 6/8/2019 10:55:26 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/10/2019 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
I m so sorry. I can t imagine how sad it is and it is something i dread regularly. the anger is directly related to grief and sadness and it needs to be expressed not suppressed. therefore, it s a good thing to state how you feel. I can relate somewhat after my husbands PC was diagnosed. He went to his annual physical with PCP, and the prstate was never even checked. A guy in his 50's, never asked him some routine Q's that might have indicating checking him out. So by the time my husband requested a PSA himself, it was too late. PC had spread out of the prostate into the bladder and lymph. I was so angry that his PCP never checked him because it could have been removed and done with, He has suffered horribly with the surgery, and is now incontinent, and impotent and still has PC. The way is coped is to express it and then determine how to let go and move forward. And that s an inside job. best of luck
Posted 6/10/2019 8:30 PM (GMT 0)

JkorourkeRN for husband said...
... grief and sadness and it needs to be expressed not suppressed... it s a good thing to state how you feel. I can relate somewhat after my husbands PC was diagnosed.... it could have been removed and done with, He has suffered horribly with the surgery, and is now incontinent, and impotent... express it and then determine how to let go and move forward.

I can directly relate to this, and I'm still trying to get over what happened. Tremendous anger and remorse, on top of having lost even basic functionality. "Let go" sounds so easy. It isn't.

LifeCointosses said...
My wife died after a long and painful, degrading cancer fight. I was holding her at last breath, at that moment I was overwhelmed but I clearly felt her spirit feel relief and joy of escape from the body racked with pain. That is what I focus on in the bad times, it’s about her being in a better place...

So sad, yet such a touching and uplifting story. Thank you for sharing with us.
Posted 6/11/2019 1:45 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry for your loss.

My father died of prostate cancer, my mother died in her sleep due to COPD. I was happy for them. No more pain. No more struggling to breathe. They lived full lives and it was their time to go. I was actually a little jealous - think about the wonders and mysteries that they now know!!

My husband will die of prostate cancer. I dread the pain he will have to go through and it will be agony watching him go but it's not the doctor's fault - there is no cure. It's not my husband's fault. It's not even the cancer's fault - cancer is just an organism that's fighting to live.

Please find a way to deal with your anger. Anger and stress can cause illnesses, even cancer, if you don't find a way to release it. Please take care of yourself and learn how to forgive.
Posted 6/11/2019 2:28 PM (GMT 0)
I am grateful for the comments. We all have been,are or will be greiving someday.I do see I am not alone. My heart goes out to all of you who has lost loved ones, are dealing with PC or any other chronic illnesses Love you all from the bottom of my heart for being here for me.
I know I must find a way to deal with this sea of emotions and carry on. If you guys know any way to release the pain and anger of loss in a healthy way (I am already taking antidepressant and stress control medicine but still struggling) lets share here.

Lots of love
Farzaneh

Post Edited (Farz53) : 6/11/2019 10:21:36 AM (GMT-6)

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