Posted 10/30/2011 4:04 AM (GMT 0)
Art,
I don't feel sad or sorry for myself. All my troubles, side effects, pain, complications - have all been 100% as the results of curative attempts and treatments. If it weren't for that, I would never know that I have a serious and a aggressive cancer going on. My real journey began around October/November of 2008. In the past 3 years, the only time that I haven't been wracked with steady pain was from about March of 2008 until the end of June of 2008. Since then, it has been one thing after the next without any break. If it weren't for an understanding oncologist who knows a lot about cancer related pain, and the miracle of modern pain meds, I wouldn't be able to handle it.
In the big picture of things, i.e. my life, I am ok with the whole PC thing. I have accepted my lot in life, this is why I am generally at peace with it. I don't fret PSA tests like many do, there's no anixety in it for me now that there is no curative hope, its going up each time by leaps and bounds, and its not going to mysteriously start to drop - I know that, my doctor knows that. This is why it will be a full 6 months when my next reading is done. Like my doctor said, what's the point of knowing constantly. He thinks many men get too OCD about the PSA number post treatments. Like he said, if I check it all the time, what's the point? Still isn't going to change anything, just add needless worry. I subscribe to that line of thinking.
It's not a question of me giving up, though some here I am sure feel that I have. I have a strange and pragmatic view of things. I have no trouble of accepting whatever reality I am facing. I adjust fast.
Based on what I have endured for 3 years now, its all about the quality of my remaining life, not the quantity. I am not ready to check out tommorow by my choice, but I am not afraid to die when my time comes. We all have to face that door one day. The pain I suffer with now, is just preparing me for what lies ahead. My doctor is trying to make me as comfortable as possible and build up as much strength as I can with the physical limitations I have, to make the next stage of this battle more bearable.
Some men will do anything at all cost to hold onto the quantity part, but not this guy, I have already paid heavy dues, and it sucks, and for all I have endured, its been for naught, and the cancer is on a rapid roll.
The other banner about living every day to the max, is one I buy in theory, but again, you have to work each day with the limitations that are in place, in my case, physically - both from a chronic pain and chronic fatigue point of view. I can't do anything or everything I would really like to do, I know that, so I do what I can. I plan each day on how I will work around the obstructions in my life, and do the best I can. I have had to scale back some of my hopes and dreams, but that's ok too, we all don't get to do or get to have what we want in life.
I know this is not the common view among many here, but this is me, and how I look at the whole thing. So some of what you are feeling in your own journey, I understand more than you might think. And regardless of how others may or may not agree, its your life, and no one can tell you what to do, or when to do it, etc. There should be mutual respect among the brothers here on that point.
All this pain has taught me a lot about myself, that I didn't know before. I am definitely tougher than I gave myself credit for. As many times as I have been knocked down, I keep bouncing back up. I am either tough inside, or too stupid to duck, lol.
David in SC