Friday funnies

How come no one started a Friday funny thread?

You have now forced me to use this one:

How do you get your wife to scream and shout while you're making love?

Call her up and tell her who you're with.

Down in Florida, there's a little hotel, four floors high. A girl used to take a sunbathe there every day. Since there were no higher hotels near it, she would take off her bathing suit and be in the nude. So she was in the nude and she was lying on her stomach, and she heard someone coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around her.


The man said, "I wish you wouldn't sunbathe in the nude up here."


She said, "You never protested before." He said, "No, but I wish you would do it like you did before, in your bathing suit.


" She said, "Why do you care? No one can see."


He said, "Madam, you happen to be lying on the skylight of a dining room."

I play a bit of mandolin, so this one is at my own expense:

A mandolin player spends half his time tuning his instrument; and the other half playing out of tune.

And since my daughter plays banjo I guess these are at her expense:

What do you call a banjo player in a suit?
The defendant.

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
No one has ever wanted to cut a chain saw in half with a banjo.

A woman was in an expensive jewelry store and when she bent over to gaze at some rings in the glass case she passed some gas.  The jeweler was nearby so she worried that he heard her.  After a couple of minutes she asked the jeweler, "How much is that ring"?  The jeweler replied, "Lady, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to crap when you hear the price".