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Absolutely disgusted with the direction and message of this forum

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Posted 5/26/2013 4:40 PM (GMT 0)
Maybe I jump over the flaming threads. I've noticed a few but figured with heightened anxiety from cancer it is bound to get heated. The mods do an excellent job. The site has really helped me understand PCa.
Posted 5/26/2013 4:46 PM (GMT 0)
Your BEST post yet, Yooper, and you have many post in the short time you have been here.

I also have been on the side lines, reading and staying out of the fights. It is sad seeing the newbie post get shoved down to page 2 in no time with hardly anyone welcoming them or giving encouragement. We are here to help others who are still suffering from this disease, that we can do. We have no control of most of the issues that you people are fighting about so why waste your time.

Remember why you started coming to Healing Well in the first place, support and encouragement.

Bill from Florida
Posted 5/26/2013 6:47 PM (GMT 0)
The good old days is a myth. There has always been, and will continue to be, controversy here. Members have been banned, hot topics have turned into personal feuds, members have quit and unquit. We've had women who were good moderators, and they received very shabby treatment by a minuscule minority of members. Personally, I think that the support afforded here, to newcomers and oldcomers alike, is second to none. And so it goes.
Posted 5/26/2013 7:12 PM (GMT 0)
Just coming in late from over the Atlantic where it's already the end of the weekend here.
Sure there are good posts and bad. But I think that may actually be a reflection of the fact that we all have good days and bad.
And I almost wonder if there is a bit of a grief issue at present. Grief goes through a few phases: shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, reflection, loneliness, adjusting, reconstruction, acceptance, hope.
So have we perhaps all been thrown a bit off course by the sad passing of Bud. I know that even though I hardly knew him, it was a very uncomfortable reminder of a fear we may all have that may be lurking not very far below the surface. I was most touched by how those that did know him reacted with their messages of support etc for his family.
(I recall when my mum died a few years ago, that some members of the family got extremely angry with one another about things which in the past would have been resolved with a few calm words.)

I thus hope that it is just a phase we are going through and in a few days or weeks we will have moved on and away.

We all know that the problem is PCa and not the men who have PCa. And I'll head for my bed with that thought.

Alf
Posted 5/27/2013 3:31 AM (GMT 0)
interesting, a side effect, that I didn't think of till now, of "friendly fire", is that everybody does duck for cover. Not a criticism, but sometimes, its the best of us that do, for darn good reason, but that loss can be grevious. Not me I get in them all, some may say start em all. But I like a " spirited " discussion. The personal attacks, however, turn that spirit into something else, which kills the dialectic aspect, resulting in noise and no chance at revealing any truth, which really is what we are striving for in any dialogue.
Posted 5/27/2013 3:51 AM (GMT 0)
Yooper, if you try to walk away from this forum, I'm gonna drive up there across the Cheese Curtain and have some serious offline words with you. Remember, I know who you are, and I know where you live (well, sort of. By the way, it's morel mushroom season, hint, hint, hint. I think they're a really good GFMPH food item).

Seriously, it's for certain this forum will have its wonderful moments and its not-so-wonderful moments. I was almost driven off the very night I joined when I was greeted with some very unwelcoming remarks that have faded into an unpleasant memory. There have been serious flaps over testing, screening, POM juice, other supplements, Dr. Samadi, religion, and several other recurring topics. It becomes obvious after a while that certain personalities don't mesh too well. But, all that being said, the good moments far outweigh the bad, and I continue to be drawn back to the discussions, just as I hope you will continue to be. Hang in there, Jeff. Things will get better.
Posted 5/27/2013 4:07 AM (GMT 0)
Actually the person that suggested in part, that everyone should have a turn at being moderator has a lot of merit to it. Then each member would have a vested interest in how things were run, and it would be their personal contribution to being part of the family.

I was made a mod here within months of joining here. I was thrilled and honored at the time and was really looking forward to it. However, I was in the midst of my post surgery trauma issues with all the constant strictures, catheter time, corrective ops, etc, that I felt personally overwhelmed, and resigned.

I knew I was under too much personal stress to do a good job.

It is a thankless job much of the time, as most if not all of the mods still work full time jobs. Its easy to say what you would or wouldn't do as mod, but when you are one, you quickly find out that its not an easy job, to balance out your own opinions for the good of the group, and its not so easy as just saying let's kick out so and so and everything will be ok. The mix is always different, and while the rules here aren't many in number, they are well thought out in my opinion for the good of HW.

Tony, Iv'e been here quite a while, when did we have a woman mod at HW PC? Before October of 2008 when I came aboard? I honestly don't remember any. I do know at HW CP, most of the mods are women.

david in sc
Posted 5/27/2013 8:02 AM (GMT 0)

Purgatory said...
Tony, Iv'e been here quite a while, when did we have a woman mod at HW PC? Before October of 2008 when I came aboard? I honestly don't remember any. I do know at HW CP, most of the mods are women.


Purg...

Bluebird... (Lee, Buddy, and "Murphy")... Some members called her Mama Bluebird...
url to profile... www.healingwell.com/community/profile.aspx?f=35&m=753036&p=31049

She was always greeting new folks and officially become a mod around June 2007...
www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=35&m=840957
Not sure when she stepped down...

A real angel with an immense heart and gentle touch! A very cheerful and uplifting person... also used multi-colored fonts and emoticons to jazz up posts and greetings... :-)

They were visiting some folks in Canada around 2008 that was not too far from where we live and my wife Avis and I coordinated a meeting in Kelowna and spent a great day together. I have not seen any recent activity on posts since Jan 2012... Got me to thinking... Good time for me to send an email and check in with them. yeah

pasayten

Post Edited (pasayten) : 5/27/2013 2:48:12 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/27/2013 1:46 PM (GMT 0)
pasa,

yes, I know bluebird, but honestly think she must have stepped down before my arrival in 2008. I remember here multi coloured posts for sure.

david
Posted 5/27/2013 2:11 PM (GMT 0)
           "Once Bud passed, I lost a lot of my drive to actively participate in this group, but still

            check on a daily basis."

Susan and Alf, I have withdrawn from the forum since Bud's death.  I told Ron, how can I become so attached to someone I haven't met in person?  That was easier to answer when I realized we talked about his Gigi and my Grandbabes.  We talked about Pc A, too.  I haven't deleted his emails yet.  One makes me laugh so much as he details a typical day of babysitting his Granddaughter.  Now, I come here to check-up on another friend and to see how many of you are doing.  I am sure things will get better!

Peace,

Aimzee

Posted 5/27/2013 3:31 PM (GMT 0)
So I've been away for a few days doing some soul searching. . . .  You know, at the end of the day my own internal psche won't let me abandon Pay Forward, Pay Back - it's simply who I am and it's just not going to happen and I'm at peace with that.

I am still sticking with my orignal post in this thread however.....  Early in my management career I had a great boss/sensai that told me "whenever something greatly upsets you, write down what you are feeling on paper - and then put it in your desk.  Take it out the next morning, and if you still feel that way then do what you need to do; if you don't, then move on accordingly."  That was great advice and I still try to practice that today, some 30-years later.  So having said that I took that approach with my original post - and the next morning when I pulled that piece of paper out and re-read my thoughts - I still felt that way so I put it out here.

Many of you have posted that if I come across a thread that is flaming, or 'bothers me' to simply ignore it; well, for me at least, it's easier said than done - particularly if I have an opinion or insight to the discussion, or if I feel there is something I can add.  So then I have decided that when these threads fall down into a zone I'm not comfortable with I am going to focus on weighing in without adding fuel to the fire - until/if it gets to the point where it's spun beyond my personal comprehension of what's right and what's wrong and then I will indeed checkout of that thread. 

What I will continue to focus on then is my Pay Forward to the newbies that will unfortunately continue to join us, as well as the regulars that find themselves with new challenges.  I will remember what I was feeling like at that point in my journey, and I will respond and contribute with that in mind.  I will continue to support this brotherhood (and sisterhood) that has been so gracious to me.

 

Others have posted to this thread that there is still much good going on here, I stated that in my original post to this thread and I continue to believe that.  My glass is always half full and I do see all of that - but one of my problems is that if I see something wrong (caveat that with, in my opinion) I feel the urge to jump in and correct it - if it's a spade I'm calling it a spade and not a club. . . . . 

During this time with my inner self over the past few days it also has become clear to me that my views, attitude and approach to this forum have changed - and while that is somewhat unfortunate, nothing will stop me from continuing to try to help the new guys and gals that seem to be coming here in increasing frequency - and need our help and support.

I want to thank English Roger, Fairwind, Aimzee, Purg, Bronson, RC, DavidG, PDL17, SusanR, Tud/Jim, 60michael, Dreamerboy, Tooyoung, Mel, Logo, PeterDA, Greetingz, Phenom, Tony, JohnT, BuddyBlank, BigMac, TimG, English Alf, Clocknut/Bill ans Pasayten for your posts to this thread; I understand and appreciate every one of them.

Peace........

Posted 5/27/2013 3:33 PM (GMT 0)
I haven't been around long enough to know if things are better, worse, will always be the same, etc. But what I do know is that if I hadn't found HW, I would not be in as good a place as I am now. The difference it has made in my life is HUGE and it's due to this wonderful community including many of you on this very thread. You all helped me immensely when I was at my lowest. (I include a particular shout out for Yoop in this regard, given this is his thread!)

Human nature being what it is, I suspect rancor will always be a part of any forum and will likely ebb and flow at different times. I so wish that were not the case, but if it is I can live with it since this community has taught me how to live with myself.
Posted 5/27/2013 3:35 PM (GMT 0)
Purg,

Doting Daughter was another moderator. She was on board as a mod until December 2011. Bluebird was one until at least 2008. 

 

 

Posted 5/27/2013 5:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hey 142 for what it is worth I think you mods do a great job and a tough job. Moderating any Internet forum can be Hell. There is no way to please everyone and being King Solomon doesn't make a lot of friends.

Thanks to all moderators of this forum.
Posted 5/27/2013 7:10 PM (GMT 0)
As a relatively new member, I'm not seeing what you bet members are. I think that the blocks are getting in the way of some of these discussions making it impossible for me to interpret where they're headed. There's nothing wrong with blowing off a little steam though I do think that we should be mature enough to take the name calling outside . . . Q
Posted 5/27/2013 8:00 PM (GMT 0)
Yooper,

I just read your follow up post very slowly, and in great detail. I totally respect where you are coming from, and each member should equally respect the conclusions you have made for yourself concerning HW PC.

What touches me, is your feelings toward newcomers, or as you phrase "newbies". When I have gotten up set and had to take a self invoked "time away" from here, mostly to clear my head as you just did,
the single factor that always brings me, or draws me back, is knowing that there has been and will always be an endless stream of men and women coming here for the first time.

When I come back to that realization, I forget any other hurt feelings I may have, or anger, or disgust, and suck it up, and return to my duty station. I remember my first day here on October 13, 2008, and how I felt, and how happy I was to find people in a similar straight to myself, and it was a godsend.

I may not be the technical expert here (never claimed to be) on all the fine points of PC related studies ands stats, or cutting edge treatment plans, etc, but the one thing I totally understand, are fear, anxiety, pain, suffering, anquish - all attributes to some degree of every single person whom enters our portatls. Most of my multitude of posts over the years are of the support variety, or in expressing my own painful and protracted journey. Almost without exception, I have welcomed every single new person in those nearly 5 years.  I don't want any of our new friends to ever feel alone or scared or fearful in their journeys.  We all, have been there - done that, and can make their path easier to endure with our own first hand experiences of what they will be experiencing.  I feel a strong sense of duty to be there for each of them.


Not saying that to brag, just being factual, because I still see our support side, that giving of hope, to those new to PC, the prime driving force for being here at HW. I do the same thing now on the HW Chronic Pain group, since pain has become my worse enemy, even worse than knowing my PC situation and PSA numbers are accelerating. In that community, I have come to know and love both men and women that suffer far worse than I do, because in my CP situations, there will never be a cure or a fix, just a realization that one will be dealing with severe pain for the rest of their lives.

I look forward to supporting those along with you, and so many others here,  supporting those in need of our help. I think, in my opinion, you still see and feel clearly, the real heart throb of HW PC, and I respect you greatly for that.

David in SC

Post Edited (Purgatory) : 5/27/2013 2:06:01 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/27/2013 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
142, glad your memory is better than mine. Of course I remember DD, she was a sweetheart of a Mod, and she left to have a baby if my battered memory recalls. Hope she and family are doing well these days. Thanks for re-booting my memory.

david
Posted 5/27/2013 9:38 PM (GMT 0)
Excellent posts, folks.

In another thread, I  referred to a bit of advice I received as a young man and it served me well throughout my career. That was "caress an idea; don't strangle it." In other words, you don't have to push the same thing with strident tones again and again and again.

But there was a second great nugget of advice, and it was mentioned by Yoop. If you are about to say or write something while you are extremely upset, table it. Wait 24 hours and then decide your course of action. Over my years, it has helped me craft better memos and also has saved me from sending memos or saying things that I would regret.

The above is great for real life. I know here on HW, I am usually going to read a post and respond right away. Heck, 24 hours later and the post may be way down on the list of posts! But that advice is probably equally good on this Forum.

Time to give it some thought, anyway!

Mel

Posted 5/27/2013 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
Yooper, as someone who recently experienced the same feelings, I would like to add my two cents (yes, I know I said good-bye but felt your post deserved a response).

Don't let the recent rash of pissing contests deter you from the fundamental purpose of this forum. From time to time, some of us may use it to air our grievances and sometimes we might even start a discussion that's sure to end up with fireworks. But - and this is the big one - we almost always come back to the essential nature of this forum: the spirit of family. You scream, you walk out, you say "never again" and "I'm must be crazy to put up with this" and then you find yourself opening that door and walking back in.

I believe that some come here because of the new guys and gals who we know will eventually find their way here scared out of their wits, and we want to help alleviate some of their fear by letting them know they're not alone. Many come here to learn - and to share what they've learned with the rest. But I believe that those of us who have hung around - even when we don't have to anymore - do so because the relationships we've made here have been forged out of a need that only those who have gone through it can understand fully.

I like to think that many of us carry a little bit of each other around with us. We worry together, we mourn together and we celebrate together...and for those so inclined, we pray for each other. I believe our humanity is the essence of this forum and where its strength truly lies.

Mel, I liked your post very much. You're a smart guy and a good friend. Your post is food for thought...and worth pondering.
Posted 5/28/2013 12:20 AM (GMT 0)
Sephie, I always find your posts interesting.  Thank you, and thanks Mel!  Oh, look there you are 142!  I was afraid you were the MOD that quit!  Good to see you here!  Yooper, good and honest thoughts!

I was a MOD on a Parenting Forum for five years.  All ladies with high emotions, but it was a great forum.  Our biggest debates revolved around breastfeeding and whether to spank children.  smhair    It's not always easy to do.  I wish the best for all our MODS! yeah

Hugs,

Aimzee

Posted 5/28/2013 12:47 AM (GMT 0)
Yooper ...

Always value your input and ideas. I have to admit, i've been shying away from participating lately, though i tend to read the front page every evening. There were a few threads with new comers that devolved into food fights among the different tribes pretty quickly. These were just guys asking for help.

I'll still poke in when i see some young G9 guys that my path might help ... but there seems to be a bit of turbulence the forum is going through.

I'm just going to tell people my biases, tell them others may have more or different ideas and leave it at that. I've got family, business, dying mom, kid applying to college ... all of the normal things that we live for.

Ray
Posted 5/28/2013 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Purg, thanks for your heartfelt thoughts, feelings and post - as I have said many times you are a true "Sensai" out here and someone I have always admired for your fortitude and "stick to-it-tive-ness!" Thanks for re-phrasing what I tried to say - I truly appreciate that.......

Mel, Sephie, Aimzee and Ray - thanks also for understanding, and supporting, and reinforcing why I, and we, will stay here. . .

Yep, I'm back - but I never really left.........
Posted 5/28/2013 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
Yooper, I did mean it from the heart, I don't give out false compliments or hope, here or in r/l. I may have my rough moments (human like the rest of us), but I live my real life in peace with people, I have no enemies. At this point in my life and my PC journey, Quantity of Live is no longer a goal of mine, along with the help of my oncologist, and the support of my wife, family, friends in r/l, and friends here at HW PC and HW CP, the goal is to preserve as much Quality of Life as possible. So as long as I keep ticking, I will keep fighting onward and upward, I never see myself as brave, just stubborn, or as I like to joke to my friends, perhaps I am just too dumb to duck when something hits me. Either version, I will never go down easy. The Grim Reaper won't get a free pass with me.

Hope you are starting to feel better about things, there are a lot of good and well meaning people here, disputes come and go, angers raise and fall with the wind, even in the worse of moments - I don't believe there is any real malice taking place. I honestly believe, if all of us were gathered in a big room in a circle of chairs having these conversations (even the heated ones), I doubt that many, if any of the ugly words would ever come out of our mouth. It's harder to communicate on-line, even in a familiar place like HW, because we can't see the faces, facial expressions, or the true emotions of our fellow men remotely as well as we could in person. And we would be less likely to misinterpret each other's statements.

david in sc
Posted 5/28/2013 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
I found HW about 2 months ago. It's been a great source of information for me. I've been staying on the sidelines.
Posted 5/28/2013 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome, Gram. Glad you found us, and have now decided to join up. Look forward to your future posts.

david in sc
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