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Would it really be different

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Posted 11/28/2013 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
Just a follow-up, I think underscoring the idea that we are wired differently. We are what we are.

I get very uptight starting about a week before I have to see the vampire for a round of blood tests.

Ah, if only I didn't have incurable PC. If only I didn't go through all those kicks in the gut consisting of ever-increasing PSA tests (before HT). Ok, you know the whine.

But, suppose I had all undetectables since the surgery. Would I really be different? Really? Or would I worry just as much, wondering if THIS will be the time the nightmare continues? In all honesty, I think the latter. That's how I am wired on this medical thing (before PC, I never seemed to be much of a worrier, so maybe PC changed my wiring).

Now, what about you young guys, who talk about "well...it's different...because I'm younger." In a sense it is, but think hard. If you were 15 years older, would your gut reaction really be different? Really? I am not talking about tx. choices. That might be different. I am talking about your viseral reactions. Again, I posit that we are what we are.

Yes, we can do things to stack the deck: meditate, work out, eat better, reduce stress, etc. No argument there.

Mel

 

Posted 11/28/2013 4:00 PM (GMT 0)
I forgot that I was going to have one at my last uro visit. Didn't wear an appropriate shirt for pulling up the sleeve.

When it is going nowhere but up, why worry anymore?
Posted 11/28/2013 4:05 PM (GMT 0)
I am wired to be stressed and worry about everything. I was a Gleason 8 and have been fortunate to have good PSA's. However, I still stress out before, during and after a PSA test. That is just the way I am.
Posted 11/28/2013 7:13 PM (GMT 0)
I don't think my PSA (or scan) anxiety would be any different if I was in my forties or in my sixties. I would still be a bit on edge regardless. There are other areas where being in your forties is a bit different then in your sixties, but this is not one of them.

Sounds strange perhaps, but be thankful that you can monitor PC by markers like the PSA. Technically I have been undetectable since surgery, on and off HT...but I can't rely on psa to tell the story...only through scans can we get an idea of the extent of disease...I think I would rather a marker that told me specifically how much cancer I was dealing with....but, perhaps I wouldn't...

Hang in there....it is a crazy cycle...all this testing, getting results, and reacting to the results...

I wish for only low, low numbers for you.

Jerry
Posted 11/28/2013 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
When it is going nowhere but up, why worry anymore?

 

I think what Mel is saying is some people don't have a choice, and I agree.

ed

 

 

Posted 11/29/2013 5:07 AM (GMT 0)
Maybe I was misunderstood. I mean that with a constantly rising PSA, I don't worry about what the next number might be. I already know I have to deal with it, and will continue to, so the test itself generates no worry or stress for me.
Posted 11/29/2013 1:29 PM (GMT 0)
All my tests have been good, but I know that I will always worry before every test. I know worrying is a waste of time and have gotten better at handling it--plenty of practice I guess--but I will always have some degree of anxiety before every test.

Tom
Posted 11/29/2013 2:05 PM (GMT 0)
The psa test is a test for cancer. It would seem inhuman to be tested to see if you have cancer and not worry about the results of that test. Worry is a normal human emotion. It's how mothers have kept their babies alive through the centuries. It's not a sterling personality characteristic to not worry-it's actually a disorder.
Flat affect,
the absence or near absence of emotional response to a situation that normally elicits emotion. It is observed in schizophrenia and some depressive disorders. Also called flattened affect.
Of course, there are degrees of worry from debilitating to liveable to drug controlled. I think when we tell people to not worry, as if it's some kind of personal achievement, we doubly stigmatize a person. Now, not only does he have cancer, he also is a worrier.
I reserve my right to worry. I do it well.
Posted 11/29/2013 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
Mel, it's not any different. I'm into the yearly test already just over 2 years out from surgery. I'm a confirmed G6 after surgical pathology, but there is still anxiety waiting for the result. I have been busy with school and unable to get in for my yearly physical but I have it scheduled for this coming week. I wouldn't say I'm nervous, but I will breathe more freely next Friday... hopefully. It really isn't any different. Us G6 guys have similar worries to those of you with higher gleasons, it just that many of those with the higher gleasons look at many of us as people who are needlessly worrying when their worries are more "legitimate." In some ways, I agree with that feeling, but we all still have a ton more in common than we have in contrast.

btw, I'm glad to still see you around when I stop by. Your humor and sense of reality is a boon to this community. wink
Posted 11/29/2013 3:33 PM (GMT 0)
My first post treatment psa test is mid January so it's to soon to worry if I even get worried. I'll let you know a week before the test.
Posted 11/29/2013 3:50 PM (GMT 0)
I'm 67 and still worry before each PSA test -- and my wife worries even more. In my case I've been at zero PSA for more than three years since my salvage radiation. I also know I'm at high risk of recurrence -- the nomograms say my chance of remaining recurrence-free by 6 years after SRT is somewhere between 12 and 35 percent. And I know that if the PSA starts rising again -- as it did a few years after my original surgery -- I will then have no further hope of being "cured", even though I know I would nonetheless have many options for further treatment.
Posted 11/29/2013 7:38 PM (GMT 0)
I honestly don't believe that age cushions the prospect of death and I suppose that death is the dynamic at the root of this thread. I've been 25,35,45,55 and now 65. If the wheel of life stopped on any of those numbers for me I would feel just as cheated. The myth that age softens one's passing because you are more apt to feel that you have "gotten your share" may play out well in movies but has no validity in real life. We will all fight, scratch and use every resource available to to stay out of the deathbed regardless of our age, and that's as it should be. That is why we visit this room. We know that united as one, sharing our courage and our knowledge we have a much greater chance of pushing back that beast that lurks down the road. Quite frankly I think that we have that very beast on the run.
Perhaps I've wandered way off topic here. My point is that the tides of research will raise all boats and I feel that those tides will be very noticeable in the coming year. Hang tough my brothers whether you're forty or eighty.

Jim
Posted 11/29/2013 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
I try to think about the treatments that are available and could help me if I needed them. I also try to think about the new treatments being discovered or in clinical trials.
There are some secure thoughts out there for me. My focus is in that direction as much as possible.
Posted 11/29/2013 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
I agree Oncas, tho at the threshold, I would add consolation from a long life or short life lived well. So we come full circle… Circumstances be dammed…..
Posted 11/29/2013 9:49 PM (GMT 0)
I'm 45...dx at 41...My younger age comes to mind when I see how statistically unlikely my situation is....and being younger means I have young kids and that whole topic is crippling still for me. I would feel very selfish, a total jerk frankly, if I ever posted that possible death is harder for me at 45 than other men here who are 65, 75, 85....

I posted this previously, but I believe environment/circumstances/choices we make have much more to do here than how we are wired...just this morning I woke up and had plans to see a friend for lunch 40 miles away in NYC...it would have been so easy to text/postpone, make an excuse but I thought about what I have been writing here over the past week or so and I pushed myself to go...I am so glad I went because today, just today, I chose living vs. dying...I'm hoping there is a ripple effect...I'm believing more and more that I can have a bigger impact on my QOL no matter what happens with my cancer...
Posted 11/29/2013 10:34 PM (GMT 0)
Percy:

I would guess that everyone posting here has "chosen" life rather than death.

We are fighting to maintain that choice

Mel

Posted 11/29/2013 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mel,

Yes you are right...I meant I could have stayed in bed and wasted my day...wasted a day of life. Sorry if my choice of words translated so morbidly...thank you.
Posted 11/30/2013 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
oncas -- the myth of age is perpetuated by the young man cool !

ed

 

Posted 11/30/2013 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
beejane -- excellent post!

ed

 

Posted 11/30/2013 8:43 AM (GMT 0)
Percy, you just cracked the code…..
Posted 11/30/2013 12:39 PM (GMT 0)
Beejane, very interesting post!
Posted 11/30/2013 1:21 PM (GMT 0)
A few random thoughts:

I don't tend to worry about my PSA. Sometimes I worry that I ought to worry more. You see, I have my blood drawn for the test on the same day as I get my Trelstar shot -- I wait, blood is drawn, wait, see the doc, wait, get my shot, and am done -- and I am so busy hating on that shot that it simply doesn't occur to me to worry about my PSA.

Occasionally, it occurs to me that if my PSA were to start to rise I would be steamrollered. At those times I will wonder, briefly, if I ought to worry about it, but all the intellectual reasons why PSA anxiety is pointless seem to actually work for me -- because I have the option of continuing to obsess about how much I hate the hormones. So I do.
Posted 11/30/2013 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
Sometimes catch phrases that are intended to console are something completely different than the literal definition of the words. I don't believe that we are really directing someone "not to worry" when we utter that phrase. I feel that we are reassuring them that they are not facing their obstacles alone.
BeeJane .. Amazing post indeed

Jim
Posted 11/30/2013 4:05 PM (GMT 0)
Mel, you said, "We are what we are". To a large degree, I agree with you on this as I did with Davidg on a previous thread. I think the "wiring" however is partially genetic and partially environment/learned behavior. Nevertheless, different people will react to the same situation in dramatically different fashions based on this "wiring".

Knowing you via this forum for 4 years I think your self-analysis about worry at any age or medical situation for you seems accurate. I remember very well when you very arrived here...worry/anxiety was at a high level and I'm guessing that for you that would have been the case whatever your age. Those anxiety levels appear to continue as you approach various tests. It seems to be just the way you are "wired". That's not either good or bad -- just seems to be the way it is. As long as it's not debilitating it's just another character trait.

Following up on Beejane's comments I think that while worry is certainly normal, the LEVEL of worrying varies dramatically between individuals. There are several on this forum (including me) who are typically don't worry a great deal about tests and perhaps other things. That does not mean zero worry -- it just means considerably less than "hair on fire" worry that exists in some. I don't think that lower level of worry represents psychosis; rather perhaps a different "wiring" re the positivity of situations as it may relate to recent threads by Davidg and Purgatory.

Jim
Posted 11/30/2013 4:55 PM (GMT 0)
Tud:

I agree with you, especially regarding the partially genetic/partially learned idea. In that sense, it is like cancer itself. Certain genes might pre-dispose you to a cancer, but then environmental factors might actually trigger the event.

The ironic thing in my situation is that I have never been a highly nervous type worrier. I have always been a rather relaxed, even-keel type of guy.

That brings an interesting question, and I'll post it as a new thread. (See new thread for the question/survey)

Mel

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