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Strange New Year's Emotions -- thank you HT -- what about you

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Posted 1/1/2014 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
In previous years, I have always totally enjoyed the New Year time. There is always optimism/plans.

I still have that, but I also have strange emotions.

Will this year really be better? I am facing an incurable form of PC. The HT SE have really been increasing of late. I find times (not many and not too long, but apparent nevertheless) where my emotions are taught, or angry, or sad, or depressed, or filled with laughter (which is great). They seem to be accentuated yesterday and today.

This year is filled with uncertainty, but so have the last few years.

This might be a year where my Feb. tests are good and I can get off the HT and actually be in remission.

Strange time for me.

I guess I'm wondering about how others view things as we all look forward to 2014, kind of.

Mel

Posted 1/1/2014 4:25 PM (GMT 0)
Mel, I'm entering 2014 feeling good, but also fully aware that I'm 68 and that I've had (have?) prostate cancer. 

Also, working part-time at the funeral home, I can't help but notice that we bury as many men younger than I am as older.  In fact, it seems like more of them are younger, and the most recent was a 66-year-old good friend of mine who simply didn't wake up on December 27th.  One of his grandson's went to check on him and came back saying that Grandpa felt cold.  And he didn't have prostate cancer (though he did have testicular cancer 30 years ago).

If that sounds gloomy or morbid, I don't intend it to be that way.  I'm just trying to be realistic and keep things in perspective.

So, my feeling is to enjoy every day of life that the Lord gives us, because each day is a gift and should be savored and enjoyed to the extent possible.  Some days are not good, but we only get one ride on this rollercoaster before we step off into ??????

Here's wishing you, and all on HW, better health in the coming year.

 

Posted 1/1/2014 4:34 PM (GMT 0)
compiler, I have bouts of emotions, even without HT. I can honestly say I have tears of joy everyday over some small quickening that ever appears. Anger at the stupidity of vehicles on the road and tourists who no matter what, must get a pic of themselves on a wave, without them knowing or caring who is in front of them down the line. My proof of God is the lack of vicious collisions out there and the safety of toddlers ,anywhere there are oblivious parents who think there tots are sooo cute, in there independence, as they wander distances away from them. So annoying….. You have a safe and fruitful New year!
Posted 1/1/2014 5:03 PM (GMT 0)
Mel -

Right now I am sitting in front of my computer in my house, I'm here on the forum and typing away. It's about noon, EST, Jan. 1, 2014, and as I look out of the window just a few inches away and into my yard I see that it is pouring down rain and the sky is dark.

Not a promising beginning to the new year, is it? But I certainly do know, for an absolute fact, that eventually, maybe in a few hours, maybe tomorrow, that the sun will indeed come out, shine, and make it a nice day after all.

It's the inevitability that nice days really are coming that keeps me upbeat.

So it doesn't matter how the year begins. There are plenty of sunshine days ahead.
Posted 1/1/2014 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, I don't need cheering up or anything like that. I know the sun will rise and 2014 will bring highs and lows, as does every year.

Actually, the impact of HT is rather fascinating.

In fact, realizing that many of these feelings are HT-induced is rather sedating in itself!

Mel

 

Posted 1/1/2014 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
Mel,
Yes, the world is different since I've had PC. Even though my case is likely going to have a positive outcome there is still a fear that it will come back. It has changed my thinking around this time of the year. I use to do the 'look back and look forward' thing, make long term plans, set goals - even to the point of my wife and I sitting down and writing it all out to post on the walls.

Last year and this year are very different. This year I am simply happy to be alive and to have a free afternoon to spend in my workshop. The last week I've been in a fair amount of pain and discomfort with my hemorrhoid/bowel situation and I've been finding optimism a bit elusive while dealing with that.

I'd say that what you're feeling likely has more than one source but clearly HT does make lots of changes. Like you I do find the change in my emotions, attitudes and general thinking to be very interesting.

Peace,
Andrew
Posted 1/1/2014 6:58 PM (GMT 0)
Mel,

As. I am somewhat new to all of this, diagnosed in April '13, RALP 11-12-13... And now wait my first post op PSA results. I don think who you are or what stage of this process that you are in there are still many emotions all over the spectrum that affect us all. We all have our highs and lows and no that not matter what comes our way there isn't much that we can do about it. We accept the fact that this is the path that we have unfortunately been sent down and must keep or heads high and hope for the best and pray that it all works out. Life is too short to worry about all the little things, (not sure then why I still do?), but we must live for the moment. Having served in the Army for over 21 years I learned first hand in combat that when tin your time there is absolutely nothing that can be done, I know that it is very different from the battle we all have with PC but it has many comparisons. I retired from the Army in 2007 to be able to spend more time with my wife and kids and lesson my chances of more deployments and more bad guys shooting at me and trying to blow me up on a daily basis. So I went to work in the private sector and ended up in sales...never home, never spend time I family, and now I had (have) PC and am about to stop my current job, stay home, work a low paying local job and slow down and enjoy what life has in store!!! It is what it is it's not fair but I for one am trying to deal with it the best I can..many time I ask myself, my wife, or no one ...why me? Maybe someday they will figure out why, what etc but until then we must just keep on keeping on. Thanks for sharing and know that we all are here for you if you need anything. All the best.
Posted 1/2/2014 2:33 AM (GMT 0)
Mel, Happy New Year and trust things will be fine with your Feb. test.

2013, was my first full year with PCa. Too tell you the truth, back when I was DX, I really didn't know what the future was to hold for me. With my PSA at 0.0 since this past Oct. and last week again at 0.0, I'm not as tight as I was up to that time. I know I have to just take it one day at a time and do the best I can. I've got to get a lot sticker this year and from here on out that I have the past 14 months (eating and exercising). I know I can do it, just have to set my mind to it.

Just take it one day at a time. You're in my thoughts and prayers. We've got this.

Have a great 2014!

Dave
Posted 1/2/2014 5:15 AM (GMT 0)
Mel,

Don't really know what to say. I think sometimes, maybe most of the time, that I'm probably some kind of sociopath--never sure what I'm supposed to do with emotions. But then there are the moments in chick flicks when I have to fight back the tears, so I'm probably more or less normal, whatever that is. But for the most part, nearly all of my life, I've just sucked it up and taken whatever pain was going down--the stitches, the broken nose, or whatever else was happening at the moment.

I do know though that I'm not looking forward to HT. Haven't got there yet, and may never get there. But If/when -- I get there I hope I remember that all my best friends are women. Strange critters, but I've always liked them better than male friends. I'm hoping if I go there, I will just go where the hormones take me. I suspect it is a better place than I've spent so much of my life in so far -- which, guided by my X chromosome is back to the wall and eye on the door, looking for a way to fight my way out of a bad situation. .
Posted 1/2/2014 5:23 AM (GMT 0)
Well, as the wife, it has been a roller coaster since July. But life has knocked us around before this and we are in a pretty good place as the New Year dawns. We have a plan, we enjoy every day, we are in a temporary state of "what next" as we see what SEs develop from the HT (after a week with family hanging from the rafters, we finally got some private time and I am happy to report that 17 days of Casodex hasn't yet interfered with THAT :).
We are fully aware that life is changing for us. We speak of it some but don't beat it to death. It is a quiet knowing that permeates the most mundane of daily tasks. We are loving each other a little bit harder.
And throwing caution to the wind when it comes to spending money on travel. Life is short and then you die.
Reading everyone's stories is both comforting and at times distressing. But an essential part of my ability to be calm and carry on
Happy New Year.
Posted 1/2/2014 7:36 AM (GMT 0)
Here's my perspective... I think about all those kids at St. Jude's who aren't going to see another weekend and the impact that has on them and their parents. For me, I'm 45...I've lived a wonderful life. If it was all to end, today, I would have no complaints other than not being able to watch my 3 young children grow up.

Some of us die before we enter the world, some of us die before we see puberty, some of us as young adults, etc. I feel fortunate to have what I've had years wise. All I wish to do with what's left is give and hope that I'm able to do that for years to come.

Prostate cancer was a defining moment in my life but it doesn't define me. It was a great experience. Man, I found out how much I wanted to live when deaths door was cracked open for me. The support I received made me feel like I was finally supposed be on this planet. I miss that overwhelming support I once had during the process.

Recurrence wasn't a big concern of mine until I had my first post PSA test. I netted a 0.06 and that bothered me as I'd hoped for triple zeroes. I've faded in and out of being concerned but I'm not going to let something like this take anything from me. I've focused on what it's given me. Perspective.

We all know now that any day we could be done here. We all knew that prior to PC, but we have a new awareness of that reality that wasn't possible until we were there. It's an awakening to go out and do what it is you're here to do. I like the idea of beating the odds on bouncing back and having life like it was before but better for have faced the fear of death. A trial run for when it takes us all somewhere down the road.

My faith has been strengthened in ways I never thought possible. I'm at ease with whether I get 50 more years or 50 more minutes.

I hope you're ride is incredible. This prostate cancer thing is an impediment in some ways but we're gonna keep on driving.

Huge expectations I have for 2014. I believe with all my heart my body is going to fully recover from this and my mind and soul will be stronger than ever.

Prayers for the best for all of us in 2014.
Posted 1/2/2014 3:04 PM (GMT 0)
I ran across something just a few minutes ago that I think fits right into this discussion. As most of you know, I have said many times that I give Pca the due diligence when it is required and the rest of the time I just try to enjoy every one of the "Bonus Days" that come my way.

I think this describes that thought process very well:

"A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.” Remember to put the glass down."

Have a great day, a great year and try to put the glass down once in a while,

Sonny
Posted 1/2/2014 4:02 PM (GMT 0)
Sonny3 -

What a great story! I'm going to remember that story and pass it around!

Thanks for posting it!
Posted 1/5/2014 1:36 PM (GMT 0)
Inchoation,

So true about St Jude Children's Research Hospital. I worked there from 2000-2011 (retired in Jan.)

Sonny, Great, thanks for sharing.

Dave
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