Getting Mad after surgery?

What ChrisR says makes sense to me ... I'd rather a psychologist delivers the message, rather than have a face off with my spouse.

Trudat clocknut. Can we ever draw a line when love is involved and should we? Think of a spouse who has become a quadriplegic or alzhiemic . sorry to pose the really tough questions…They need to be thought about at the least and hopefully answered at the best. Life is complicated, yeh??

clocknut said...
ChrisR is advocating some "tough love," and I can't help but agree. We are told that "Nothing I do is right, talking to me like dirt, very inconsiderate."

I can understand moodiness. I can understand depression. I can understand acting withdrawn.

But I can neither understand nor sympathize with someone who treats their spouse like dirt and treats them with a lack of consideration.

Prostate surgery, ED, whatever, are completely insufficient excuses. In fact, there are no "excuses" for this sort of behavior. Having cancer, having had surgery, the inability to get an erection, don't give a man license to degrade his spouse. Never should. Never will.

I might understand one or two instances of this boorish behavior, but if it's habitual there's simply no justification.

Yep, if his behavior towards you, his only source of help and understanding and support, is as you describe, IMO there is simply no excuse in that.

But I have no trouble understanding either depression or grief. Just before his surgery, he likely felt like a normal man for his age. He had a disease likely with no symptoms simply based on a couple of lab tests. Wake up from the surgery from this disease that the doctors told him he had, and he is quite likely impotent for life, peeing himself like a small child, and may have immediate shrinkage. He might have had no symptoms before, but he sure as heck wakes up with them, maybe for life. And he may or may not(far as he knows) actually be cured of this disease the lab tests said that he had. Now we all know how he should feel now that he is cured of this cancer that supposedly was going to kill him. He should be celebrating, right? Who cares about no more sex, shrinkage and diapers for what life is left, he should be celebrating that he is going to live, right?

And if I remember correctly from your previous posts, he is not one to research, right? So he does not even have to wonder if his choice of volunteering for all of this surgical trauma as a G6 was really something he needed to do. So what is there to be depressed or grieving about, right? Much less all of this anger, which I suppose was not present before diagnosis?

But I can tell you that, even though I was a G9, I have had plenty of negative emotions during the last year. Very negative. I have regretted having the surgery (right or wrong, there it is) even though my wife always thought(and still does think) that was exactly what I should do. I would probably feel even worse about all of that if I had my surgery in my 40s or 50s rather than at 65. Still, taking it out on my wife, that seems unthinkable to me, and hopefully I have not done any of that. If your hubby is doing that, then he needs to stop that right now! Tell him I said so, that should turn him around! (yeah, right!) I would not know what you should do about it, but it is not right.

Post Edited (BillyBob@388) : 3/2/2015 8:35:34 AM (GMT-7)

Miki,

Bob just gave you what his problem is.

You say Bob is not one that shares, expresses feelings and is very closed with what he is thinking. He is not saying that he is alone in the room, but he is expressing that he is all alone - a FEELING.

Like the others say, depression after a major surgery is common. When younger, I worked in hospitals working with guys going through surgeries that were much rougher than mine and they were just as up-tight as Bob in expressing what they were going through. Getting them to open up and letting them know that they were not alone, they have support and always have my ear to chew made a lot of difference. Then I had my surgery for PCa (my only surgery) and the shoe was on the other foot. I shouted and became a pain, but my wife and son understood (I forewarned them) and they listened and were really there form me. The SEs kind of got me down, and like Bob the ED was not and issue and then became an issue shortly afterwards. I knew in my head that this is common, but it's like a large part of me has been turned off. It is not missing, but turned off.

Get Bob to open up with his feelings. Be read for hurt, anger, the feeling of being alone and all sorts of emotions that you may not expect. Get him to really talk with you - like when you were first in love. Let him know that you are listening and really, really care about what he say. Let him know that he is still your lover and that you are so proud of his actions to stay in your life. If the ED thing comes up - just tell him what you have told others here on the forum. I can't speak for women, but my wife says it is better now - even though the ED is still around. It is what happens between your ears that really counts.

Let Bob know your feelings in a safe place. Your feeling are as important as is his. You both went through a big deal - that you didn't expect - and now you have your life to live together. Celebrate and enjoy life. If you can't get across to him, may have him talk with a friend or a professional. Getting him to express those feeling inside him in an appropriate way is VERY important for you guys. You both need the support of each other and it is time he grows up and talks to his wife - and unconditionally trusts.

Hang in there. The big strong type that think they can handle it themselves always break down. Be ready when that happens as all the stuff he has held back from this ordeal is going to come out at once. I am sure that he will again be the Bob you knew, and you will be even closer.

Don

John,
I liked your post. Determining you have a problem that needs to be addressed is a great first step.

Best wishes and good liuck as you move forward.