Making me uncomfortable

Funny, we just got a call from Dan's brother-in-law who asked how everything was going. I asked, "Are you sure you really want to know?" Dan hadn't told anyone about his newest scans yet. We told him he should tell his wife and tell her to get herself together before she calls. Facebook private messaging can help take the emotion out of things too.

Whenever anyone asks me "how are you feeling" in less it's someone close, who I really want to talk to about it, I just say "great", whether it's true, or not. That pretty much ends the conversation

Mel –

After Dx and subsequent RT about five years ago, I too experienced the inflow of the how-are-you-doing types of inquiries, usually from relatives, but sometimes from friends.

After realizing that I was pretty much saying the same thing over and over again in response to their same questions, I decided that as short and as objective as possible an answer was the best approach for informing the questioner, and at the same time keeping the conversation short:

Q: How are you doing?
A: Well, following diagnosis I received radiation therapy for it, and a number of follow-up tests are so far indicating that the treatment was successful.
Q: Okay, but how are you feeling?
A: Well, as the apparent success of the treatment I just described would suggest, I should be feeling fine, which in fact I am.

Usually that would be enough to satisfy the questioner, this objective, almost medical report, type of response. But in case the person persisted, I would simply respond "So far so good" as many times as necessary to further questioning without elaborating.

It occurs to me that if I had had to do so (never did, actually), I could also have gone into a very detailed, technical answer, to discourage continued discussion:

Q: Tell me again, how you are doing?
A: Well, the radiation therapy I received was 9 weeks of Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy, delivered in increasing packets to a maximum of 81 Grays received, producing eventual apoptosis in irradiated cells, and eventual diminution of cell presence, as measured by prostate specific antigen levels, measured in nanograms per milliliter.
A: Well, um, okay. (Followed by silence and eventual change of subject).

(Of course, if you do choose this approach, you can change the above treatment parameters to match those of your own treatment).

So that's one way to respond, which I did find to be effective: objectifying my responses like that did seem to cut the conversation short.

Interesting thread (of course it is; I started it!). Ha. Ha.

But, an interesting related question is: how do you tell co-workers about your situation.

What I did worked extremely well for me. I knew I was going to be out for surgery, so I certainly could not hide the information. So, I instead sent out an email delineating my situation. The email went to my department at work (University Math Department -- almost all males). So, that was it. I returned from surgery and never missed a day after that. In fact, I worked through my SRT. So, I suspect my co-workers barely remember the situation, and they probably think I must be cured (the surgery was 6 1/2 years ago).

Incidentally, I retired in August and I am going back in for the Fall semester.

Mel

Here's how I handled the workplace situation:

When I got diagnosed, I told my supervisor right away, so that he would be prepared for the absences that were coming. There is one other guy in my direct office and I told him as well. The word floated around randomly over the next few weeks, and a few guys came in and talked.

When I had my surgery, my wife called my supervisor after I came out of surgery, and he sent around an 'everybody email' just saying that I had come out of surgery ok, and I'd be off for a while.

After I got back, I kept it low key. If someone came in and wanted to talk--I kept it open. I didn't volunteer anything that wasn't requested. I also wrote an article for our monthly newsletter a few months after surgery. Several guys came up after that and we talked about the details of PSA testing, what it means (and doesn't mean), etc.

I try to discourage those kinds of questions by provided askers with a rotating list of non-sense or sarcastic answers such:
"I am here."
"I am not dead."
"If I was any better they'd arrest me."
"Yes, I think it was bugs bunny."
"Feeling disappointed about global warming."
"I'm 5 feet 10 inches"
"Wasn't my fault."
"I didn't do it. What?"

I don't get asked "how are you?" much any more...

Andrew

I go with pratoman's reply. I hate the question, unless real close friend or family asking. No one else really wants the truth or the answer, so why put yourself through the ordeal. To anyone else, I blurt out "great", and end the agony

I think there are times it's good to be honest and let people know what you are really thinking. I think it can be good for your own soul. I'm not saying giving the details of your struggles all the time is good, for sure most would avoid you like the plague. But occasionally opening up like Beth mentioned about some of her struggles can be healthy for you. And you do find out who is genuinely interested and who's not pretty quickly. I have some people that I would not have expected to genuinely ask me whenever they see me and others who have dropped off of the planet earth because they probably can't handle the answers so they avoid asking. I'm ok with both. But most times I'm in no mood or don't have a great need to discuss it so the short answer comes out often and I frequently just ask them a 'How are you doing ?' in return.

there is so much cancer in my family that when someone asks me how I am doing, I know that they are genuinely concerned and I let the know how I am doing. I would rather have someone ask me than avoid the subject altogether. But I also realize the some people just do not know how to ask and are uncomfortable having to confront issues that are often life threatening.

My mom recently passed away after battling cancer for over twenty years so I saw a lot of family that I have not seen in years. They all know that I have cancer but some do not know or understand the extent of how serious my cancer is. So I let them know.

When relatives on my wife's side (who secretly still wish even after 32 years that my wife and I never married--long story) ask their usual "How do you feel?" I always respond, "Usually with my hands". God they love me

Tom

Bottom line for me is answering in my own mind--who is asking and what is my relationship to them? And then I adjust my response based on that.

Good conversation... I went to two separate picnics this weekend and I was asked my various people how do I feel or how am I doing. My standard answer is "hanging in there, treatments seem to be working". There is always an awkwardness of some sort but I try to move the conversation on unless they want to know more.

I created my own pc journey website for friends and family. That keeps most of the calls down since they can read an update and send me an email if they want.

-JR