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Fiance has lived with Prostate Cancer and finds it difficult to connect with people

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Posted 3/23/2017 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
I have been dating my fiance for the past six years. I knew from the beginning that he was a prostate cancer survivor and I accepted it although I have a high libido at my age. He is now 56 and I am 42. He suffers from some depression and from irritability but I am an extremely patient person. I have a bubbly personality and try to bring as much positivity to our relationship as possible. Yes, sometimes I feel like it is a one sided love story. I love this man because he is an intelligent, caring, generous person. He says I am a good woman and I am very pretty but he has a hard time connecting with people. In other words he can appreciate my beauty my caring personality that I am positive and he can go on about all of that he finds in me and all but he does not feel the passion because after his prostate was removed it has been difficult to connect with people in general.

I am wondering if anyone has felt this way as well.
Posted 3/23/2017 2:37 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry to hear of your concern for your fiancé. Is he still suffering from ED? That in itself can be depressing, regardless of the cause. You need to maintain your positive outlook. Maybe you can suggest some counseling for him, or even for you both as a couple. He may be masking some other insecurities, or not even realize why he is troubled.

Please consider some professional help. Good luck.
Posted 3/23/2017 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
Check out Todd1963's blog. He's a 10 year survivor of a very serious Stage 4 case, doing great, with a vivacious younger wife. They're enjoying a wonderful relationship, while facing some of the challenges you're no doubt experiencing. Todd writes from the heart in a really honest, candid way.

Todd and Mandy are quite an inspiration!
Posted 3/23/2017 3:09 PM (GMT 0)
Linzy, Some more information might be helpful. Has he always avoided intimacy with you? Has he tried and had unsatisfactory results? Has he used the many "tools" available to men with ED (with and without prostates), such as pills, pumps, and injections? Many men on here have used such tools to achieve satisfactory sex lives with their partners.

Or, he could just have given up, and need counselling to try to regain his normal attitude. There are local prostate cancer support groups in most cities and towns. These are a great way for men with these challenges to talk frankly with other. Some wives attend, and join right in the discussions.

Many guys here have been had that surgery, and should be able to add more suggestions for you.
Posted 3/23/2017 4:05 PM (GMT 0)
Ms Bee:

A bit more information would help. That's why we are all questions here.

It sounds like he had his prostate removed more than 6 years ago. Do you know if his cancer was cured by the surgery, or did it return and he is receiving further treatments. In particular, is he on hormones to suppress his testosterone? If so we have completely different advice.

Prostate cancer is a very isolating disease. Even if it is "cured" it often takes a bite out of a man's life, leaving him feeling maimed in ways he will never feel comfortable talking about -- not with his doctor, not with his shrink, not with his priest, and certainly not with his fiancee. It can make a man feel cut off from other people. The things that are on his mind every day -- that bother him every waking hour -- are things he can't talk about.

Or, at least he thinks he can't talk about. One if the main benefits offered by this forum, in particular, is that it teaches men with prostate cancer the manly art of complaint. The relative anonymity offered by this site allows even fairly reserved guys to open up about their issues. If you can get him to post some information about himself on this forum we'll be glad to tell him how to get past some of the roadblocks.

Or, if you can't get him to the keyboard, you can see how many of our question you can answer yourself. Here they are:

Is he taking anything for his depression? (Some antidepressants have horrible sexual side effects.)

Is he continent? Does he wear pads in his undies to catch drips?

Is he able to have sex? Does he have ED? How bad? Does he take anything to help? Pills? Injections? A Pump? Compression bands? Is he put off by the expense of pills, etc., since they are expensive and don't always work?

Where do you live? (No address, please, just the nearest big city. We might know of a support group in your area you could encourage him to try.)
Posted 3/23/2017 7:00 PM (GMT 0)
I was feeling so alone this morning and your quick and responses have made me feel like I'm not. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

He was a first responder during 9/11 and that is believed to be the cause of his prostate cancer as well as all of the other respiratory issues.

Due to the amount of health problems and medication he is already taking he refuses to take anti-depressants and any pill that may help his ED

He is unable to have sex.

He has a lot of incontinence and has to wear pads.

I make him laugh a lot and he says I shouldn't because of his incontinence. (he's joking).

He had some counseling for a little while right after his surgery.

His surgery rid him completely of his cancer so he does not take any pills or hormone therapy for it.

He does not want an implant because he is also diabetic and his family has many problems recovering from

surgery.
Posted 3/23/2017 7:10 PM (GMT 0)
Linzy,
Keep giving him love and understanding. He might need to talk to other prostate cancer survivors. There's a national group for prostate cancer called Us Too. Look them up. I know they have local chapters, and offer services to help those suffering from the disease or the treatment.

It sounds to me like more counseling is in order. His condition may need more time and therapy.
Posted 3/23/2017 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
Linzy,

It sounds like he has most of the problems that guys sometimes have after prostate surgery. I can sympathize since I have struggled with most of the same myself.

Reading though your list of his troubles I noticed that there were places where he had reasons why he couldn't try the usual things that guys do to get back in the game. No pills or antidepressants because of other health problems. No implant because he is diabetic and worries about recovery from surgery. Obviously, it is hard for us here on the forum to know whether his reasons are really reasons or whether they are excuses instead. It's really, really tempting for guys to just give up. The combination of impotence and incontinence makes it difficult for a guy to feel like he has much to offer in terms of intimacy. Why try when any successes are only so-so but the failures are crushing?

The good news is that we have seen lots of guys who were steamrollered by the aftermath of prostate cancer who manage to get themselves scraped up off the road, re-inflated, and back into the action. It sounds like counseling would help him, or a support group where he could talk to other guys who have gotten past the roadblocks he is facing.
Posted 3/24/2017 3:26 PM (GMT 0)
Linzy,
Sounds like you are the best thing he has going for him. Some of us have had to define a new normal, and having someone who is supportive and encouraging and accepting of our limitations, and appreciative of what we can still accomplish makes it easier.


..kind of like the old biker and his beloved motorcycle. No longer able to ride in her saddle he still enjoyed polishing her chrome, feeling her curves, admiring her beauty and revving her motor.
Posted 3/24/2017 10:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hey LinZB,

You'd be hard pressed to find a guy happy about a prostate cancer diagnosis. I guessing every one of us here felt like they were smacked in the face when we found out. We suddenly feel weak, vulnerable, sick, afraid, ... and yep, even depressed. Just thinking about it makes it even worse. We get more weak, vulnerable, sick, afraid.... Fortunately the vast majority of us pull out of the spiral and end up living life well. Incredible as it seems many of us are actually better off now than before we were diagnosed!
I can tell exactly when my sinking ship around. I was a mess one night and asked a question here. Some of the guys immediately jumped in and started kidding around with me. We began to joke about our situations. I mean come on! How can you not laugh when you see yourself in the mirror with a catheter running into a bag, plopped into bucket and slung from a camera strap slung around your neck. Hilarious! They saved me! i can't look at a wet noodle without smirking now!

We had a little inside joke that we could get anything we wanted from our spouses if we told them it was Good For Men's Prostate Health, GFMPH. If the guy puts on a sad face and in a low voice says: "Dear, I heard that "xyz" was Good For Men's Prostate Health," a loving spouse simply cannot refuse! "Of course! Would you like "xyz" right now?" Xyz can be a big box of chocolate, a vacation, a snowblower, a rifle scope, a certain act, even a trip to meet some of the guys here!
Sooo. we decided to get together. I live in Western NY and have a lot of space so I volunteered to host for a weekend. Guys came from all over and we had a ball! Great food, great conversations, fun activities, and lifetime friendships formed. The events got larger and larger and now GFMPH is an official tax exempt, support group for PCa survivors and their caregivers. We hold 2 events per year. One in NY in the Fall (at my house) and one in the Spring in either Baton Rouge or Orlando at the homes of Cajun Jeff or Sonny. It is a blast!
(Homework for you ------> Google: GFMPH NY and read some of the hundreds of comments. )
Someone here saw that your partner was a first responder at 9/11. I assume that means you live in NY.
Come on over! We have room!

The gathering is open to everyone. Don't be shy. We get it. I guarantee you will feel like you know everyone immediately. And I have every pee pad known to man, in stock! smile
If you have questions you, or anyone else, have questions you can reach me through my email here.
We can talk live. My wife would be happy to talk with you as well.

And you know what?! These meetings have turned out to really be GFMPH! Think about it.

Jeff in NY
Posted 3/24/2017 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
Linzy, i will second Jeff/Worried Guys reco. Its a good time, and we dont sit around talking about cancer for three days. Good food good fun. I remember my first one, which was at Jeffs place. I didnt bring Mrs Pratoman, she wanted no part of it. I walked into his back yard alone, and was immediately swarmed by all the guys with a warm welcome.

And most important, i've had a chance to meet face to face with guys that have gone through what i was going through. It might really help your Fiance
Posted 3/26/2017 8:35 PM (GMT 0)

Linzy Bee said...
He is unable to have sex.


This is not true. Even if he cannot have an erection, he still can get an orgasm. It is important though that the couple can talk about this topic.

E.g. this study:
Men's Sexual and Relational Adaptations to Erectile Dysfunction After Prostate Cancer Treatment
Posted 3/26/2017 10:14 PM (GMT 0)
I should add, that while Mrs Pratoman wanted no part of that first GFMPH gathering, she did attend the second, and had a great time, and would like to do it again.
Posted 3/27/2017 12:33 AM (GMT 0)
"This is not true. Even if he cannot have an erection, he still can get an orgasm."

Yes. Orgasm is possible without an erection. Especially if you use a lube.
Posted 3/27/2017 3:20 PM (GMT 0)
Linzy,

I'd like to highlight a couple of excellent pieces of advice you've received here on your thread.

First, Jeff (WorriedGuy) is right that the GFMPH gatherings are wonderfully helpful. I've been to five of them so far -- one in Louisiana, one in Florida, and three times at Jeff's house in NY (near Rochester). Guys do bring wives and girlfriends. We have had a wedding. There is a gathering coming up next month in Baton Rouge. While it is very much worth the trip it is probably farther away for you and rather short notice. GFMPH NY (in September) is probably a better plan. Do lean on him to go if at all possible.

Second, George_'s paper contains a lot of useful information. George is almost certainly right that satisfying sexual activity remains possible for your guy whether or not he ever regains useful erectile function. You should surely read it, if you haven't already. Whether or not you share it with your fiance is a judgement call on your part; The authors went out of their way to make sure they included non-heterosexual men in their survey and, while scientifically admirable, that might make many hetero men tend to balk.

My summary of the information presented in the paper is that it is crucial for a man to have a partner who is caring, flexible, and (hopefully) somewhat horny. That last part is important because it helps a man to remember that sex is not just all about him, because "all about him" is a sort of depressing subject just now. As for the sort of sexual activities that will work best, it's a bit like dining in an expensive restaurant when you are on a diet or a budget: consider dining on the appetizer menu. Wings and a salad make a nice light meal and various forms of foreplay -- things usually done to get a guy ready for action -- make for satisfactory sex even if no erection develops. He has body parts that still work -- fingers, etc. -- that can bring a partner to climax and, as for him, a Hibachi Magic Wand* doesn't care about his erection -- a few minutes of buzzing and it's "ready or not here you come!"

* a non-particularly phallic looking vibrator that won't remind him of his problems.
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