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Posted 7/16/2021 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
Teacher: Billy, there are five birds on a fence and you shoot one. How many remain on the fence?

Billy: None. The other four fly away when they are scared by the sound of the shot.

Teacher: Actually there are four remaining, but I like the way you think.

Billy: Miss Teacher, I have a question for you. There are three women having ice cream cones; one is biting, one is licking and one is sucking. Which one is married?

Teacher nervously answers: Uh….the one sucking?

Billy: Actually the answer is the one wearing a wedding ring….but I like the way you think.
Posted 7/17/2021 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
I delight in humor that arises from our use of language.

Waiter: "Did you want some dessert?"
Customer: "I still do."

"I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it."
(Attributed to Groucho, but see this.)

This one arises from a difference in A.E. and B.E. usage:

American woman: "Do you have children?"
British woman: "Occasionally "

Djin

Post Edited (DjinTonic) : 7/17/2021 3:20:13 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/22/2021 9:39 AM (GMT 0)
I put all my symptoms on WebMD...... And it turns out....



I just need to be on the lake with a cold beer.
Posted 7/22/2021 10:59 AM (GMT 0)
Well, if we are chuckling about the acerbic put-down, the art of which seems to be lost in today, here are some famous ones:

Alice Roosevelt Longworth had an embroidered pillow on her sofa that said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me"

Alice's father, while he was President, responded to some newsman who told him, "Mr. President, you need to get Alice under control!" His response was epic: "Sir, I can run the country or I can control Alice, which do you prefer I do?"

After Alice had a double mastectomy in her elder years, she was known to introduce herself as Washington's only topless octogenarian.

Winston Churchill had some famous quips, many involving Lady Astor. Some examples:

"Winston, if I was your wife, I would give you poison!" "Madam, if I was your husband, I should drink it!"
"Winston, you're drunk!" "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober" (left off is the common tagline, which in classic British understatement does not need to be said)

Remarking in Parliament: "The gentleman spoke without notes, and almost without a point."
Posted 7/22/2021 3:44 PM (GMT 0)
" The pretzel hold" Rated R

An Olympian was getting ready for his Gold Medal match against the famous Russian wrestler.

His coach was giving him tips and reminders on how to deal with the Russian wrestler, who was famous for the pretzel hold.
The coach told him, that whatever you, do not let him get you in the pretzel hold. No one has ever been able to get out of the pretzel hold, so be on guard.

The match began and it was going well for the American wrestler, and his coach was pleased with his performance.
All of a sudden the Russian wrestler made a move, and within seconds he had his opponent in the "pretzel hold."

The American coach saw what happened and just buried his head in his hands, and turned his back on the match.

Ten seconds later there was yelling and screaming by the Americans fans, and the coach turned around and saw the referee raising the hand of the American wrestler, crowning him the gold medal winner.

After the match the coach went up to his wrestler and asked how in the world he was able to get out of the famous pretzel hold.

The wrestler told the coach, " he had me all wrapped up and I didn't know what to do, and coach, I just looked up and there was a pair of testicles in front of my face, and I just bit them as hard as I could."
"And Coach, do you know how bad it hurts when you bite your own testicles?"
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