How do we tell our teenage son?

It is hard for me to imagine how lively things are around your house.  We can only wish the best for you and your family.  You did not mention if your autistic son is your only child. If he has siblings, it is possible that he is already aware and  concerned.  It would be hard for him to not sense the turmoil that you are living through. The very kind social worker seems to be very intuitive. You know your son best, but I would think letting him know sooner would give him a chance to deal with his fears.

I wish for you the strength to get through this difficult time.  I know that I have always lived with the thought, that "it will get better, I will get through this, This too shall pass.". I would imagine that you chant that every day.

This too shall pass. 

Lifeguyd 

Ms. Ellen,

Many years ago, I worked in Special Ed for 4 years.
Now, for the last 18 years, I have taught elementary age children every Sunday in Church. 
(I've only missed a handfull of Sundays in 18 years - half of them for my prostatectomy...)

Specifically I teach the 4th & 5th grade.
The advantage of this age group (or emotional and developmental level) when explaining sensitive issues is that the simplest truth is the easiest. 

They will ask questions. Short honest answers are best - and actually expected.

The challenge here is your "great unknown" of how the post-surgery biopsy will turn out.
   Compounding this unknown and its emotional roller-coaster that all of us here have ridden or are currently riding, ...
...   compounding this emotional state is your recent hysterectomy and its impact on your emotions.

I mention these emotions because this is what you must try to keep out of your discussion with your child on this topic.  Your child undoubtedly will read the stress and worry in your voice, posture, eyes, etc. 
Many special ed. kids are more perceptive in these channels than mainstream children.

So, my experience suggests to perhaps just say for now (with all honesty) that Daddy is sick and visiting the hospital to try to make him better. 
You are not sure what it is exactly but will tell him later when you find out.

By the time you have the post-surgery biopsy explained to you,
    you will be comparative veterans of the emotional swings that come with this territory (both radical prostatectomy and hysterectomy)
    and have a better picture of what you are facing and can lay it out in simple and least possible emotional terms. 

Children at this level that are given this type of information will of course want to know if Daddy will be all right? 
More importantly they want to feel secure -
   - for example that they will not be left alone or in put in unfamiliar circumstances when anything suggested frightens them.

A brief example of why I personally teach at the elementary level and not teenagers might help encourage you some in your situation:
   When the kids read in the scriptures;  "....and he knew her...." ,
                         they ask "Teacher, what does that mean?"
   Without flinching, I don't bat an eye or smile too big and say:
        "They spent the night together and 9 months later they had a baby."
They say "Oh."  or "Gross" or some such thing and the subject is changed and never brought up again....

Looking on the bright side of your situation, the ability to give simple answers is much easier than say, explaining the male reproductive system to two teenage daughters.

Be honest.  Keep it simple.  Wait for a time of comparative calm and more knowledge.

Your Friend,

C^Cedar
ICTHUS!

Thank you both for your advice!!!

Our son has a very high IQ but a very slow processing speed. Very uneven development. He can hook up a home theater system but can't tie his shoes. Yes, we know what to expect. That's probably why I'm dreading it so. He has very high anxiety over simple things. Short, honest answers are always the best. I've been advised by you and others to show little or NO emotion and be very matter of fact. This will be very tricky for me. I think I'll need to rehearse this alone or with a friend.

I really appreciate your help. I'd been distracted by my own health this summer and November seemed so far away. I enjoyed some time living happily in denial. But November begins this week and the surgery date is a week from tomorrow. Dave is VERY grouchy and his ability to cope with our son's behaviors is pretty much gone. I play referee and do the lion's share of caregiving.

I wonder, when will things feel normal again?

Trick or treat starts in 30 minutes here in beautiful Manchester, NH. (Sunday afternoons may be safer, but not nearly as much fun....)
Got to run for now before the doorbell rings non-stop!

THANK YOU!!!
Ellen

Hi Kat,

      Thank you for your support and suggestions.     I like your ideas a lot.       

       My husband works in Boston, so he does all of the driving when we go into the city.  I will be out of my element behind the wheel.  And I'll be distracted.   He needs to be at MGH at 6:00AM and we need to leave our house by 5:00AM.  We'll be up very early and then all the fun begins once we get there.   We were told it's a one night stay, but I'm sure I'll be very tired.    That's another good reason for me not to drive back and forth!

       I've asked my folks for help.   My son will feel better being with me.  That's fine.  I want to be there for him.    My Dad will join us and help me with my son and with whatever else may come up.

       I've rented two rooms at a hotel near the hospital for us.  (My Mom has volunteered to remain at home and care for our pets.)   

       We're planning to have a talk with our son on Saturday if he's in a "good place" or Sunday no matter what.  I spoke with a doctor on MGH's PACT team.  (parenting through challenging times)   He too had some great suggestions. 

        I am so grateful for you and everyone at this website for all of the open and candid posts.   It makes it easier.

        Take care-

        -Ellen

        Congrats to the Sox and GO PATS!

 

      

 

 

Dear Ellen

I am a little late in offering you advice so perhaps I can offer encouragement.  I assume by now that your husband has had his surgery.  MGH is a wonderful hospital--that's  where I had my treatment.  My married daughter lives in the Boston area--it is a great town.  It was wonderful to see the Red Sox win the World Series, although I am not a Bostonian.  I hope, if you broke the news to your son about his Dad, that you emphasized that his Dad is expected to be as good as new after treatment.  It sounds like your husband was in an earlier stage of PCa with an excellent chance of being cured.  Life is not always fair. Some people in life have to bear bigger burdens than others and your family has certainly borne more than their fair share.  May your husband have a speedy recovery with few side effects.  Younger men often fare better after surgery. May you and your family be blessed with all good things from hereon in.

Dave