(No Subject)

Hey everyone. I signed up for this website when I was 16 looking for other people who experienced anxiety like I was feeling. I went started taking zoloft and klonopin when I was 17 for depression and anxiety. I went from zoloft to pristique to lexapro then to cymbalta. In may of this year I quit cymbalta and about a month and a half ago I quit klonopin for good. It turned out I was still experiencing everything- I was just very doped up.
Now I'm 21, completely off everything and experiencing the same things as before except it's not normal anxiety and that's something I have just realized when I tried holding a job at walgreens. I thought this was just anxiety and depression - normal. The thing is, it dawned on me as I was around so many people that they were experiencing anxiety and depression as well - only they could think clearly and had life to them. For some reason I haven't.
I have no base emotional state. I have no base intellectual state. I have no base core of feelings or thought and my heart is pumping hard - too hard even for anxiety - all the time. All the time as in there is no moment - waking or asleep - that my heart is at rest and pumping normally. All the time. I don't experience anything. Things happen in front of me, but I can't interact with it. My memory is shot so bad that I can't remember what I have just wrote. Nor can I clearly experience anything happening before me. Everything is detached and seperate and I don't feel human. Something else is wrong and I don't know what. The onset was very quick. It's like I just faded away and changed at the end of my freshman year of high school. I just watched it happen and I couldn't stop it. It feels like my chest, my throat, and the base of my brain are being sucked up by something and are tight and constricted all the time. To concentrate is like trying to move an arm when the nerve has been frayed or injured. It's just not working. It's psychologically horrible for me because I'm a smart person but I havn't been able to access any part of that person for years and I still can't.
I'm scared and hopeless but still fighting on for some reason. My last human memories were when I was 15 and healthy in high school. I would go to the hospital but I have no insurance. I know this is just not right and I wanna know if anyone out there could possibly recognize this or know what it might be. Please
I've thought of this being a thyroid problem, but it's just so bad. My memory is just not even there. I don't remember myself, that's the thing. It has never gone away. Not even in my sleep does it go away. My dreams are not full, my thoughts are small and petty. I am incapable of complex thoughts or emotions. Oh God.

You can get a credit card for health services. You can find them on-line. I've got a carecard for my medical expenses that go over my budget. They have easy payment plans.

True, how true.
First I'd start with a primary care doctor. Then go from there.