How do you tell people about your disease?

Hi there everyone.....

I just received an email that really hit home to me.  Since I have been diagnosed with UC I have not been in a relationship.  I am a single woman and would like someday to meet Mr Right.  Well I recently met this gentleman and we had met and talked several times, seemed to really hit it off, but I never explained my illness until last night.   He did tell me that he had known some people with Crohns disease but not UC and felt bad.  I figured he understood.  I mean its probably the hardest thing for me to explain to someone, especially since its not the prettiest disease out there!  LOL   Well just a few minutes ago I received an email from him...subject line is SORRY.  It went on to tell me how much he enjoyed the time we spent together and talking but feels that my disease caught him off guard.  He then proceeds to tell me he doesnt think he could continue to date me because he is afraid he wouldnt be a strong enough person to be there for me and give me the support I needed.  He apologized many times and I feel he is sincere, but what am I supposed to think???

So with all this said.....how does a single gal like me go about explaining my UC to a potential suitor?  This disease is part of my life and therefore is part of me....so I only feel that anyone I am going to potentially be involved with should know about it.

I guess this whole ordeal has really hit me hard...it kinda makes this whole UC thing more of a curse than it already was.  I am sad and upset and only wish I could find someone that would accept me for who I am and have.

I hope this post doesnt bother anyone...it is extremely personal and I only am seeking advice on how to explain or tell people about my having UC.

thanks for your understanding...I find that since joining this site I have had more support from people whom I have never met than people who know me.     I am grateful for everyone in this forum. 

Take Care

 

hey Lori

Thanks for input...you know I probably wouldnt have brought it up but he saw me take my darn asacol and wanted to know what it was for...oh well....I am sure someday I will meet the right guy!  Might be in a nursing home by then but better late than never!  LOL

Take care

Amy

Lori....

That would be hysterical!!  Oh my goodness, thank you so much, you made me laugh.  I really needed it! 

I guess sometimes you have to pick your stressors and maybe I am not ready for the male kind!! 

Take care

Amy

UCLife,
TheLori is correct. This guy is a jerk! First of all, WHO breaks up with a person over E-mail? That alone puts him at the top of the list of Jerk requirements. He couldn't even talk to you in person about something so personal for you? Aaaarrrrrgh. He definately was not the right guy for you and it's better to find out now. I don't know the answer to when to tell someone. I'm the type of person that would tell someone up front - get it all out in the open - then go from there. But, everyone is different. I just think that if you keep it from someone and then a relationship develops, then they'll wonder why you didn't tell them earlier and what else you might be keeping from them. But, again, that's just me.
So, don't worry. Some day you will meet a caring understanding man who will stand by your side through all of the problems. Hang in there!

I'd use the honesty approach with every new relationship, it'll make it easier to weed out the jerks...most people have some health issue, and not everyone is shallow, so don't worry, mr. right is out there, it's all timing, it'll happen when it's suppose to...but it will happen.

:)

Hi, as the mother to a 19 year old girl, i think about how she is going to deal with uc in her relationships,part of me wants to tell her not to tell someone until she thinks it may be an important relationship,
on the other hand i won't say that to her because she didn't ask for this disease and i don't want her to be ashamed- i will not advise on this unless she asks. that said there are going to be many people that know they don't have it in them to worry about someone else, and get involved in the unknown. i can understand there postion and i guess it's good that he was upfront-if you can call an e-mail up front-

his loss-

Yup. Jerk....wait A-1 jerk. Just to let you know, after being married for 17 years, I found myself in the "dating" seen at 48 yrs. old. I truly thought the same thing...I could be seen as damaged material. Guess what? I met someone whom I liked, and after about 3 or 4 dates, I came clean with him and told him everything he needed to know. I was scared to say anything, but his words to me were...."Well, everyone has something." And that was it. He even looked it up online to see what I had to deal with, and now he knows when my stomach is bothering me. One night he just started rubbing my belly and I said, "Thanks, that feels so good...how did you know my gut was bothering me?" He said, "Because when it's bothering you, you lay flat on your back." Now how's that for being caring? There are a lot of caring guys out there so it was probably better to find out right off the bat that this guy was a creep rather than later on.  

Hi Amy! I'm so sorry you got that kind of response from that guy. But as everyone else has said here, he's obviously not worth your time. You don't want someone in your life that can't support you and help you deal with this. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry about finding Mr. Right. It will come when it's supposed to come, and maybe having some time to yourself will help you to learn how to deal with all this the best you can. It will help you to know that you can take care of yourself during a flare and that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

I too worried about this when I was first diagnosed and not seeing anyone at the time. When I starting dating people afterwards, I was doing pretty well with the condition so I never really felt the need to tell anyone about it. I am currently in a relationship with a WONDERFUL man and when we first started dating, I worried how I would tell him about all that I have to deal with. Luckily he is very understanding and apparently not scared off by any of this (although it seems to me I have a fairly mild case of UC). He's very helpful when I am flaring and is always willing to make a pit-stop or 2 when we're driving and I'm flaring. We also just moved in together which means he is now fully aware of my medication schedule which was honeslty my biggest fear. But he is proving to me all the time that there are understanding and caring people out there who can be a tremendous support system for you.

Please don't worry about this. We all have so much to think about when it comes to this DD, and adding this to the pile does not help. Just be grateful for the people you do have in your life and know that it's only a matter of time before you meet someone great right around the corner!

I just wanted to thank all of you wonderful people that replied to my post....you all have put a smile on my face!!!  I mean I had some good belly laughs.  You all made great points and I feel so much better.  I know that the right one will come around when its meant to be.  And yes, I am sure this guy probably would have ran off even if another challenge were to come his way. 

I am in much better spirits now thanks to all of you, I so appreciate it.  I am so grateful for this forum...I would be lost without it.  Its so comforting to know that I can talk openly about my issues.

Thanks again,

Amy

Lori

That would be a hoot!  Although I dont drink I would still love that!!!  LOL

Take care

Amy

UC-Life/Amy - I was just talking to my fiance about your post, as I am about your age and can remember how hard rejection was from any guy, much less with the added UC factor. so, here are my/our thoughts:

1. the guy did you a favor by bailing. if he is that much of a loser, better you know this early than to actually get attached and then find our he is worthless. so, you dodged a bullet and he did you a favor by showing his lameness early.

2. as for the bigger question of when to tell someone, and how, I think some of it depends on:
a) if you're flaring or in remission at the time
b) your goals (you want a relationship or just someone to date)

so, if you are having symptoms when you meet the guy, he'll figure out right away that something is up, right, and then you can just tell him. but, if you're well, I think you can hold off on telling the person until you trust them. my fiance made the point that no one approaches a first date and lays out all their baggage, so you have no need to tell someone about your UC right away. I think that waiting until you have hung out with the guy at least a half dozen times, and have some trust and time with them, helps you assess if they are worth telling and, if so, when. I think that because this disease is not terminal, you don't "owe" an up-front explanation to someone. let them spend some time with you, see who you are as a person, see if they are someone you want to have something with, and then tell them, when you feel you can trust them. and if they can't handle it, then your UC is like a litmus test that weeds out the losers early, as you don't want to spend your life with someone who can't handle it, as UC is not nearly as rough as some other illnesses out there, and a partner needs to be someone who can handle the rough times.

also, do you ever meet people in the medical profession, I mean socially? this may sound strange, but I think dating someone who understands medicine could also be helpful, because then they would understand the disease and the fact that it is embarassing at times, but not the end of the world. I had been dating my boyfriend (now fiance) 2 years when I got diagnosed, but the thing is that he works in medicine, and that makes a huge difference, I think, in how he has approached the disease. whereas I freak out, he tends to jsut research the science behnd my drugs, and tell me why I shouldn't be so scared. so, if you can meet someone who has some background in this stuff, that might be helpful. in any case, just remember that EVERYONE, every single person in the world, has something in their life they have to "confess" to someone they date, not just us. ours is different, but it is totally managable. if the guy can't handle it, that's his problem, not yours, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

hang in there.