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Posted 2/24/2009 1:56 AM (GMT 0)
I've posted in the past about some issues that I was having with my ex boyfriend. We started talking again over the weekend. As we were discussing our concerns and what not, he mentioned that he is a very spontaneous person as I am not. I explained to him once again as I have in the past that I cannot be spontaneous due to the UC. There have been many days during our courtship where I've had to cancel plans, alternate them, or whatever due to a UC flare, etc. Of course most of the time was caused by stress or eating the wrong foods. We are meeting this Saturday to talk about things, start over, etc.

What I would like to know from you UC suffers (especially single ones) if the UC has been a problem in past or present relationships with a significant other and how do you handle it? Thanks.

 

Posted 2/24/2009 2:22 AM (GMT 0)
I was diagnose with UC in October 2006. I had been with my boyfriend for only 4 months at the time. I too was outgoing and up for anything before I got sick with this. He is VERY outgoing. He didn't understand what was wrong with me and really either did I, I just new I felt worse than I have ever felt in my life. He would get frustrated with me because all I wanted to do was stay in bed (during a flare) and I wasnt really being myself. The day I was diagnosed he was there with me, and he listened to the doctor and researched UC like crazy. He's been by my side every since. If it wasnt for him I really think I would be lost and confused. He really nderstands the disease and understands what I go through. Yea, I'm sure he gets frustrated sometimes when I can't do things he really wants to do, or I have to cancle plans,or like right now I'm in the middle of a flare...going on 8 days....and I have just been in bed all week. Does your ex understand what this disease is? If not you should explain to him in detail and maybe he can learn and understand what you go through and know that you really need him there.
Posted 2/24/2009 3:31 AM (GMT 0)
I started dating the same guy I'm with now 8 months after I was diagnosed. He was surprisingly understanding and spent my whole bowel rest with me in the hospital (and we had only been dating a month!). At times it is trying though. We've been together a little over three years and for most of that time I've been in remission but it still is hard. There are always time when we are out and I'll get dinner and not eat it and it pisses him off because he pays for it and I don't touch much of it. It has never been anything to alter our relationship though...I think his sister would kill him! tongue
I just told him right off that I have a chronic disease and it entails d and cramping and the whole nine yards and basically said "this is a part of me and I can't change it" and he understood and its been good.
Just make him realize what it is that you have and how it affects you and how you need his unconditional support. If he can't understand that and give you that then maybe its not a good deal
Posted 2/24/2009 4:32 AM (GMT 0)
I was a newlywed when I was diagnosed. Although my husband was and is extremely supportive, I do feel like it has impacted our relationship. He's never said any of these things, but I definitely don't feel as sexually attractive as I did before. I feel like the severity of the first flare in particular aged me and I just look "different" somehow now - less youthful. I feel defective and would he still marry me if he'd known this was going to happen to me, etc. All kinds of irrational (hopefully) thoughts. I also think I'm just a lot less playful and lighthearted in general. I have a fear I keep to myself of the next major health issue to impact our family, what will it be, it's only a matter of time.

He has admitted that when I'm on prednisone I'm not always the nicest person to be around.

As for your ex, I think like the other posters, is there is proof that the right person will show the unselfishness and sacrifices that are made when you really love someone. Good luck and regardless of how it turns out, hopefully we have given you encouragement that there is a person out there who will accept you, UC and all.
Posted 2/24/2009 6:03 AM (GMT 0)
I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. It's a long-distance relationship so we already have our challenges. Since my diagnosis in October 2008 I've never been in remission. I'm just at the beginning of my journey with this disease and it hasn't been easy. I know he's been frustrated, and even though he asks me every day how I'm feeling, it's like he knows the answer and doesn't really want to hear it. And I don't really want to say it. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't ask me, except that if we don't talk about my crappy health, it's like there's not much to say.

I've given him opportunities to leave the relationship, and he doesn't want to go. Which makes me feel good, I guess, but lately I've been wondering if I should just be the one to go. It feels like it will be easier for everyone.

I feel like this disease is very isolating. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I don't have the energy for the basic daily functions of life: shopping, laundry, housework, even taking care of my daughter is a huge effort. So social interaction is really way down on the priority list. I feel like I don't want it or need it. It's really awful.
Posted 2/24/2009 7:56 AM (GMT 0)
My boyfriend loves to hike and to lead hikes. I couldn't go hiking with him during my last flare. Even now, I can't hold in my poo for the whole day; so day trips without a toilet around are difficult for me.

He has been very considerate and has never complained. He's been going on short hikes in the mornings by himself. It gives him some time to be alone. He waited until I was well enough before giving a day hike, and he made the starting time a little later than usual so that I would be able to go to the bathroom before going on the hike.
Posted 2/24/2009 11:32 AM (GMT 0)
All of your advice is on target. Naturally, the UC is not the main reason we broke up. There were several reasons as well. He is a great guy, but I am starting to think he doesn't understand my UC as well as he should I also believe that if he loves me unconditionally, he would be supportive and understanding when I say I cannot go out due to a uc flare or something. I have had so many people leave my life due to this horrible disease. Its too bad that there are a lot of people in this world that are ignorant.
Posted 2/24/2009 3:46 PM (GMT 0)
Not all relationships work out....it's a simple fact. It's a struggle sometimes to understand each others' perspective. You also have to understand that he wants someone that's able to do the things he wants to do as well....

It's a two way street, and you seem to have come to the same conclusion that you're not suited for each other. At least you're not married....that would be a different matter. He would have made the commitment knowing your issues and you knowing his....again both responsible for your own issues and hopefully dealing with them.

You'll definitely find another boyfriend who will understand and accept who you are and what you have...but any health issues put a strain on a relationship...heck, it puts a strain on one's own life!
Sometimes it's difficult to love ourselves unconditionally!

Be well...
quincy
Posted 2/24/2009 4:05 PM (GMT 0)
I will apologize in advance if I have mixed up the story on your relationship, but isn't this the guy who would not go to counseling? Isn't he also the guy who has some type of problem (that you understandably did not want to disclose) that he struggles with? It sounds as if you are both having a hard time letting this relationship go. Maybe it can be saved but I would hope that if that's the case that you both commit to some type of joint counseling in order to bridge your differences. Sometimes it takes a 3rd party with an objective view to clarify issues.

Sue
Posted 2/24/2009 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
It must be very difficult to be dating while having UC. I began symptoms and was diagnosed within the last year, having already been married for 11 years. I had to cancel many social plans while I was so sick, but it wasn't really a big deal. Neither of us mind if he goes out with his friends or family without me, nor does he mind having to cancel and stay home. He is very supportive in that he was okay when I decided to quit working, thinking that it was stress that was making me sick. He also has taken many days off work to drive me to various appointments and tests without a single word of complaint.

All of this makes me realize just how important a supportive partner is. I think anyone with UC has to take this into consideration when dating. You know how you have to find a partner who is compatible in terms of whatever is important to you (having children or not, religion, financial management style, where you want to live, etc), I think finding someone supportive of your UC situation has to be one of the most important factors.
Posted 2/24/2009 9:45 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah, this is the same relationship that I posted about awhile ago. We truly do love each other (at least I think we do) and we are going to meet in person on Saturday. I honestly don't know what the outcome will be. Only time will tell.

I honestly thought he would've been a supportive partner in terms of understanding my bouts of UC and what not. He dealt with several forms of cancer throughout his life and lived through it.

I agree with what suebear said. Oh by the way, after my ex and I spoke on Saturday, he told me that he was going to counseling for himself now. We both are considering going for couples counseling if we do get back together.

I saw my nutritionist yesterday and he told me my dhea is bad as well as vitmain b-12, ketonics (?) is bad, and my antinuclear antibodies are not good. So, I HAVE to focus on getting better for me regardless of what may happen with the ex or not.
Posted 2/24/2009 10:41 PM (GMT 0)
I always thought my boyfriend of 4 years was very supportive. He'd go to appointments and procedures and generally be there for me. After awhile he started complaining a lot, like how the colonoscopy "ruined his day" because he had to be there. Uhm, excuse me? I think I was a little more inconvenienced by it, thankyouverymuch.

But anyway. We're in the process of breaking up and he uses my UC constantly now as some sort of insult tool. "I'm only 26 and I'm sick of being hindered by YOUR disease and not having any fun ever because of it and all my plans get ruined and I'm sick of being perfectly healthy and sitting in a hospital all the time" and
"You're never going to find someone who will want to be with you because of your disease, you're damaged goods and everyone will just run away when they find out that you have to be in the bathroom all the time because it's not very attractive. And just you wait till you have to have surgery, you think anyone will love you with a colostomy bag?"

That kind of ridiculous ****. Oh! And once he actually said that UC is NOT a real disease and that I'm overexaggerating for sympathy and to get out of things. Hah!

Sooooo... yeah. Needless to say I can't wait till this chapter of my life is closed and burned in a big fire of crap. And now the idea of dating again just terrifies me to death. I'm just hoping the Remicade will work fully so I won't have to worry.

*sorry for venting*
Posted 2/24/2009 10:45 PM (GMT 0)
I am on Remicade now and it does work. Its a matter of stress management, proper diet, sleep, and exercise. Wow-that guy was a jerk for saying all of those things to you ediekstristen! I've decided that if my ex boyfriend cannot deal with the fact that this is a lifelong disease, then he can go bye bye. I am so tired of all of this. I totally hear ya on the whole dating thing. It sucks especially factoring in an illness.
Posted 2/24/2009 10:54 PM (GMT 0)
I really sympathize with the people who are dating. It must be awkward. I've been married for a little over three years and am thankful that I have such a supportive husband to help me through all of this. ediekristen, you're definitely better off without that jerk. I can't believe he said the things he did! Just know that when you find the right person, he won't care that you have UC.
Posted 2/24/2009 11:50 PM (GMT 0)
ediekristin - I just gasped when I read all the awful things your boyfriend said to you. I'm so glad to hear that you're ending things with him. He sounds like a real jerk, and you could do a lot better.

Now I'm not claiming to have a perfect marriage, but I can't believe the things that single women are willing to tolerate. And I was definitely guilty of tolerating way too much BS when I was single. But here's what I learned when I met my husband - you CAN have it all. You can have someone who loves you, who treats you right, and who doesn't have qualities that you have to tolerate simply because you don't think you can do any better.

Iluvsunflowers said that she THINKS they love each other, but I think that's not good enough. Don't continue something with this guy when you're not even sure that you love each other. When you meet the right guy who has it all, you'll know it. You are not damaged goods just because of your condition, so don't put up with anything less than what you deserve.
Posted 2/24/2009 11:57 PM (GMT 0)
OMG edie!!! What horrible things he said to you!!! Definitely not a good one!

Sunflowers: If you do get back together and he agrees to counseling-hold him to it! You guys sound like you could both benefit from it
Posted 2/25/2009 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
ediekristin - those were some awful things he said to you. There are plenty of people out there who will love you for who you are and I can vouch for that. I will be happy for you if you do end things with him.

I have to say I have been very lucky in that I have been with a girl who understands me and my condition completely and loves me for what I am. We met while I was in remission and things got bad with my health very quickly. She has been the strongest support for the past 2 years and the sole inspiration in my recovery. She has been at every doctor's appointment and hospital visit/ stay. Im on 6mp now and doing much better than before and tomorrow is the grand finale(c-scope). Hope everything looks healthy inside.

I have to say not everyday was filled with joy and love, cause UC can really make your partner look at you differently. for example, when i was flaring really bad my gf later admitted that she saw me more as a patient than a bf. I guess the important thing to hope for the better and savor the beautiful memories for the more hard times.
Posted 2/25/2009 2:35 AM (GMT 0)

Ok - observations from the senior - Grandmother - and wife of 48 years in August!

Unforunately, we can't turn our love off and on at will.  I also loved someone else at age 19.  He "dumped" me - I know what it is to love and lost - can't say I ever really got over him - just moved on.  I found my wonderful husband at age 21 and he was 25.  Luckily, no health problems for years - nothing serious - but once I had hepatitis and it really tested his love for me.  I knew it wouldn't always be wonderful - no marriage or life is.  He has had a lot more problems than I have - heart attack, triple bypass, AAA repair, COPD now and stage 4 lung cancer - currently in remission for 9 months.  I just love him with all my heart - he is my best friend (very important) and when the chips are down - I make him laugh if I can!  We do concede that he makes a better patient and me a better "caregiver".  He will always be there for me.  However, he does not like to talk about my colon (or his) so I only discuss when I have to.  He goes to gastro doc with me after scopes, etc. and listens. I so appreciate everyone here helping me as I am a little "old" for this disease to start.   

There is someone like that out there for all of you - I would hate to be alone but I would not take any verbal or any kind of abuse!!

Posted 2/25/2009 10:27 AM (GMT 0)
I'm a guy and I figure my thoughts on this might be slightly different but I find if someone is into you they generally will be cool with it. Understand that I was single for a while until my current relationship and usually we all have something that is going to be an issue be it (emotional issues, past bad relationships, or chronic illnesses). But overall if you are open about it in the beginning with the guy, explain it to him, but be sure not to make him puke ;) . The best thing is being upfront and try to be as upbeat and positive about it because then your partner will not be scared to death if in fact you have a flare. It is best to ease the person into it and they will generally be there and understanding. Good luck.
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