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How do I politely Tell an Inlaw to F-off?

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Ulcerative Colitis
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Posted 3/2/2010 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
OK, I have to chime in here. My MIL does not know I have UC. Her own sister has it and all I ever hear or heard about it (when hubby and I were dating) was that the "doctors are putting her on these s*!t steroids. Steroids are crap, they dont work. She needs to take natural meds." I feel like MIL is very judgemental so obviously i dont want to tell her about my condition. I feel like she will judge me and I wont hear the end of it reganrding what I should be doing to 'cure' myself.

When she judges her own sister, I cant imagine what she will say/do to me.
Posted 3/2/2010 4:19 PM (GMT 0)
Some people are definately clueless about the diet correlation and Uc but let's take the flip side for a minute. I have had people make recommendations about diet changes but not because they are trying to be know it alls but rather to try to help me. I have a really great friend (I've known her for 26+ years) that have in the past made suggestions but not out of pigheadedness and believing that my Uc was caused by food but rather because she truly cares for me and is only trying to help. Once she understood the mechanics behind what Uc is, she stopped making those recommendations.

How about instead of being nasty to this person to maybe educate her? Explain to her exactly what Uc is and that diet may have some effect on a flare that is not the cause of your Uc and that Uc can not be cured. The more people we educate about Uc the more chances of us being heard.

Oh and my in law I talked about earlier, she is a lost cause so I gave up on her! LOL But I DID try to educate her but she is just stubborn.
Posted 3/2/2010 4:53 PM (GMT 0)
With the obvious exceptions, I don't think people are trying to be obstinate or rude- they just don't know anything about it. Please, half the posters on here are convinced it's diet related, why wouldn't the general population also think so???? It's more how "we" take the remarks. Just a simple response, anything from "Thanks, but no thanks!" to "thanks, I'll look into it" should work. If someone was sending me emails about "the cure", I'd just delete them & not mention it.

Posted 3/2/2010 5:02 PM (GMT 0)
Ohhhh, over the years I've heard it all!  "Can't you just take Immodium/Pepto?"  "You need to watch what you eat!"  I had to take a couple of days off work a few years ago due to fatigue from a really bad UC flare, and my old boss said, "Can't you just take vitamins or something?"  A few months ago, a co-worker had D from eating some bad food, and he came to me for advice as to what I eat and drink to make it better!  Ha!  I WISH I knew what to do to make my UC better!  And the most recent:  my mother-in-law sent over a newspaper article about coconut macaroons healing UC...complete with a box of macaroons she purchased from the local grocery store!!

I used to get so irritated at people's uneducated suggestions, but we need to all remember that most of these people in our lives truly care about us and don't like to see us suffer.  Perhaps they feel just as helpless and want to make sure we've tried everything!  :-)

Posted 3/2/2010 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
Denise-about the fatigue. One of my coworkers keeps asking me if I could be anemic and that's why I'm so tired at work. I told her no, and she was like 'Are you SURE?'. As if the two rounds of blood tests I had had that week wouldn't have indicated anemia! Nevermind that I haven't been sleeping at night at all.
Posted 3/2/2010 6:23 PM (GMT 0)

Judy2 said...
I think people like to think there's something we're doing wrong that's causing our UC. That way they can convince themselves that if they just don't do that "whatever" they've decided causes it, they'll never get UC. Basically, they're blaming the victim.

Ain't it the truth sister. This is true for just about everything bad that happens. Stupid people blame the victim and never try to find out what CAUSED the problem-whether it's IBD-related or a crime or a natural disaster. It's knee-jerk.

I know I have become more compassionate about many unrelated subjects because of having UC. Sometimes there isn't anyone or anything to blame. Life happens. We should be more empathetic toward others. Sure wish our Senators and Congressspeople were more empathetic about people needing a better healthcare system. Wish they had to pay the same prices we did (as a % of their income). Laws would get passed in a jiffy.

Denise
Posted 3/2/2010 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
Interesting. No one has blamed me for getting colitis flares. But I do blame myself. I really do believe that if I didn't take all those antibiotics, become a chocoholic, and drink lots of beverages containing HFCS or fructose crystalline (including vitamin water), I would not get flares. But then I know there are others whose genetics play a very important rule in their flareups and no diet is going to keep you from flaring. It's the same way with me with acne.

For those of you who are sick of getting advice, do you let others know that you are genetically prone to getting flareups and that your condition is genetic? People are just tying to help. You can tell others that yes diet can help in some cases but that you're going to flare anyway because your colon flares easily. It's kind of like acne. You can stop eating greasy, spicy, sweet foods, but if you are prone to getting acne, then you are prone to getting acne.

BTW, I had a severe case of acne rosacea. It was hard to diagnose, because the red patches had clear liquid underneath them. I have a very slight bump on one side of my nose due to rhinophyma that I'm hoping will eventually go away. That's why I was recently using topical antibiotics. Luckily, it's not very noticeable, especially since we all have asymmetry to our faces.
Posted 3/2/2010 8:58 PM (GMT 0)
Actually, I think it's kind of a Mars/VEnus thing.  Most people just want to be able to help when presented with a problem.  It's annoying yes, but I find most are well meaning without understanding.  Does that make sense?
Posted 3/2/2010 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hmmm... I read your post, have not filtered through all the replies...I assume these in-laws are people of what I term the "hyper-faith" movement. Not to offend anyone but this belief system states that will power (God) WILL heal you. Just politely tell them that you do not believe that and to forget it, but thanks for caring...my $.02
Posted 3/3/2010 5:05 AM (GMT 0)

mdf34 said...

Actually, I think it's kind of a Mars/VEnus thing. Most people just want to be able to help when presented with a problem. It's annoying yes, but I find most are well meaning without understanding. Does that make sense?


Absolutely, although I don't know the Mars/Venus thing unless you mean men/women?

The other thing is that many people can't stand others being sick.

I'm more of a solution oriented person...offering lots of options. But I do ask more questions to find out what's actually going on rather than taking a comment as the whole picture. Some may not like the questions for whatever reason.

One must also remember that some people wear their illnesses/disorders/disease/etc like a badge.

I wore my lung surgery scar as one. But scars are differently perceived than invisible illness.

q
Posted 3/3/2010 8:58 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah, Mars/Venus is men and women.  I was thinking of the book, Men are From Mars Women are From Venus.  John Grey pretty much has people as fixers in their different ways. (real basic interpretation)
Posted 3/4/2010 7:30 AM (GMT 0)
Oh gosh we all have relatives that are always around us telling us their opinions and what to do. Even when we go very well they are checking.
I think the main reason why lots of people put their nose in our business... well its because everybody needs to eat and everybody craps. So they think they have the expertise and experience!!
For that matter wich one of you got this:
Ohhhhh meee too I was sick the other day... had diarrhea... must be the food we had....
No it's UC those are symptoms...
Awww I get ya... me too the same I tell you diarrhea and cramps....

Arghhhhhhh!!!!!!
Posted 3/4/2010 7:40 AM (GMT 0)
I have a good friend.... she's a bit a controled freak with food and dieting. She was always telling me what cure I need to do and that she doesn't understand when I'm sick how can I wait to get better... That she would walk outside and do things to let the disease pass faster!
But for the last two weeks... she is starting to have all the symptoms of UC.... and she will have to eventually see a doctor. Well now she really doesnt understand whats happening to her, she obsessed with her urgencies, she is freaking out... everything she preached before on me... its gone.
It is sad cause I don"t want her to have UC to be able to understands me... but in a way now she completely stopped judging me. She even told me... god are you living that on a daily basis?
I said yes...
Most poeple won"t ever understand or they will deminish that its severe.
You just have to live with that. And they have to live with the fact you dont want to hear about their special secret cure too...
Posted 3/4/2010 7:43 AM (GMT 0)
No blood???
Posted 3/5/2010 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
My first reaction was that I would simply ignore the emails.
But suebear's is a good response. Except I never got the "long remissions"!
Posted 3/6/2010 2:15 AM (GMT 0)

Lady Vicodin said...
I really feel your pain. I think there is at least 1 person in the family who thinks they know the cure, mine is my Mother-In-Law. She doesn't understand why I just don't go have the surgery to remove my colon and be done with it. I told her tons of times that I'm 39 and there is so many studies going on that it is possible to find a cure in my life time but once you get your colon removed there is no going back. My husband has told her repeatedly to drop it. She does for a while then starts up again. I eventually got to the point where I just agree with her then she shuts up but I do what I think is right. It is bull crap that people put you threw this and I really liked fruitgirl's response, I'll try that one next time....Thanks




This is so funny! I mean, not at all, but my parents are also convinced that if I just have my colon/intestines etc. removed everything will be fine. My aunt had Cdif something awful, and eventually had her colon removed, so they think it's the exact same situation. Sadly, I really just don't talk to them about my illness anymore when it's flaring, because I'm tired of the constant judgment and discussion...
Posted 3/6/2010 5:03 AM (GMT 0)
One should weigh the benefits and costs of waiting for a cure. Extent of disease, quality of life, side effects of medications, time to finding a cure, .. are all factors that need to be considered when determining whether or not one should get surgery.
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