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Has anyones illness destroyed their relationship?

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Posted 7/8/2010 6:38 PM (GMT 0)
I was just curious if anyone had this happen to them. I suffered pretty heavily with UC for about 2.5 yrs straight, it got quite severe, and everyone close to me has commended the way I handled the whole ordeal, from start to finish, all except one. Im probably not the only one who's had a relationship dissolve by having this disease, it really is a handful for everyone involved.

Maybe its just me, who knows, but has anyones relationship ended mainly bc of their illness and had the cited reason for the break up, 'supposidly' not bc of their illness?

I know its an odd question to ask, im just wondering if im alone here. I guess what im getting at is, if you have had a relationship destroyed and youre certain it is illness related, did you ever get the run around as well?

In a weird way, i wish they couldve just said 'the illness was the problem', instead of citing reasons that dont really add up.
Posted 7/8/2010 7:15 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry this happened to you. UC is bad enough on its own-it is awful you have had to deal with this as well.

My UC has definitely been hard on my marriage in some ways, but thankfully my husband has been a rock for me. However, I do wonder, had I been diagnosed when we were dating rather than after marriage and 2 kids, would he have stuck around? I am not sure-I'd like to think yes, that he would, but it is a different thing to have already established a life together and have this kind of thing happen, than be thinking about a life together when it happens.

I can understand wanting to hear that the illness was the problem, if indeed that was the case. I think we all want honesty in those kinds of situations, and you definitely deserve that!
Posted 7/8/2010 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
I think my ex-girlfriend broke up with me in part because she was overwhelmed by the emotional stress from me going through diagnosis and being really sick. She never directly said that was the problem, she said I just don't see myself with you I believe. She did at times say I was like her uncle who had similar problems but never took care of himself which is much different from me. She also had removed herself from me so far that she couldn't see the significant changes I had been making to deal better with this condition. My current girlfriend is awesome and she is very understanding and our relationship is healthy and supportive, but not overwhelming for her because she is amazing and I have also learned how not to put so much emotional pressure on a significant other like I may have at the time. Hope this helps.
Posted 7/8/2010 7:27 PM (GMT 0)
I think maybe it played a part in my GF wanting to break up. There was other things as well, but it didn't help the situation.
Posted 7/8/2010 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
Marriage is one thing but having this illness while dating is pretty rough on both parties. I try to put myself in the other persons shoes and think if I was the healthy one, would I want someone whos stomach was always having issues and unable to fully enjoy life with me (trips/beach/concerts/etc) if I could choose. Then there is the chance to passing UC down to your kids.

It was pretty tough facing the truth for me. I guess it really depends on how severe someones UC is too. Mines definitely a 8/10.
Posted 7/8/2010 8:09 PM (GMT 0)
I've been married for 31 years, so my husband's had the gamut of me having one thing or another for almost that long. If it wasn't physical, it was emotional.

I will say this....if he wasn't supportive, I wouldn't be married to him. Not everyone can deal with illness of a spouse, especially if one is young and just starting in relationships, etc.

If I couldn't deal with a partner/spouse who was sick or with chronic illness, I'd opt out of the relationship.

Communication is key, however....talking about how one feels without being defensive is really helpful...either through a counsellor/therapist or making the effort with each other.
It's the assuming one isn't supportive and creating a situation that isn't there that can be very weight bearing, especially for the one who is sick or dealing with illness.

How one is sick towards a partner, spouse or family is also huge....not everyone should be expected to suffer the same.
quincy
Posted 7/9/2010 4:32 PM (GMT 0)
My wife left me during my worst flare because I was no longer romantic. I don't really blame her. Why should our partners be part of our miserable lives
Posted 7/9/2010 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
No. But we've been together+married a long time and I got UC 20 years into our relationship.
I can see that it would make or break a dating relationship.
If it breaks a marriage that partner did not take their "sickness and health" vows seriously.
Posted 7/9/2010 6:26 PM (GMT 0)
My marriage broke up after I came out of my long initial flare and was doing much better. I definitely believe my illness put a strain on the relationship. He admitted when I was in the flare that he wasn't cut out to be a "nursemaid." He did try to comfort me through the worst of it, but I think he felt helpless - rightfully so - and just couldn't (and didn't want to) deal with it.

I imagine it's somewhat uncommon for the departing person to be completely honest about the illness being the cause. Most folks have the decency to know that will sound unfair, so they come up with other reasons.

Posted 7/9/2010 7:13 PM (GMT 0)
So much for marriage vows, "in sickness and in health".
Posted 7/9/2010 7:25 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Q, if my boyfriend wasn't supportive, I wouldn't be with him. I feel that if your significant other can't support you and have your back even with all the stress it brings, then the relationship isn't worth it to begin with. I guess that's easy for me to say because I met my boyfriend right as I was going into remission but he's been amazing even now when I have 'bad days'. It sucks to think the one person you love doesn't support you through your illness but it's their loss and you're probably better for it :)
Posted 7/9/2010 7:35 PM (GMT 0)
I am pretty sure my first marriage was done in by the strains caused by UC- basically no social life or travel outside of work, and  no romance due to constant pain.  In that respect I can't blame my wife at the time for giving up- and in any case, as things turned out, the match itself was not nearly as good as the relationship I am now in,  plus I have learned to try harder to not let UC destroy all the joys of a relationship.  But it is a challenge, and there is certainly the threat of deja vu.
Posted 7/9/2010 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
I was having symptoms when I met my fiance, and was diagnosed while we were still dating. He's the reason my depression hasn't gotten the better of me, if you catch my drift; he won't let it, or won't let me let it. If it weren't for him, I'd spend all my time hiding in my room, doing absolutely nothing but reading and surfing the internet. Now if we could just get the money together for a place of our own, everything would be that much better. Living 3 1/2 hours apart is hard on me, because I don't like car trips anymore, and the stress isn't good for me. It would be nice if I could get a job, but that's not going to be happening any time soon, both because of my UC and because I just can't seem to find anybody that will hire me.
Posted 7/9/2010 10:02 PM (GMT 0)

mudua said...
My wife left me during my worst flare because I was no longer romantic. I don't really blame her. Why should our partners be part of our miserable lives

Sorry your life is miserable, but speak for yourself.
Posted 7/10/2010 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
Zippy123 said...So much for marriage vows, "in sickness and in health".

I guess they should state all the possible sicknesses... lol...who thinks about being sick unless one is already before marriage.

It's all a challenge.

q
Posted 7/13/2010 3:24 PM (GMT 0)
Wow, thanks everyone for all your responses. Im comforted that im not the only one who's experienced loss bc of their ailment and at the same time sorry to hear that its happened to so many of you as well. Its true in a way though, if the shoe were on the other foot, roles reversed, would i have done the same? Its easy to say 'no' in hindsight, but in reality, i cant honestly say... I guess the part that makes the loss such a difficult pill to swallow is, you cant entirely blame the other person for doing what they did, nor can you overly blame yourself in the matter, so who's fault is it then..... I guess thats the paradox i cant seem to accept. Anyhow, thanks again for sharing your stories everyone and happy healing :)
Posted 7/13/2010 4:37 PM (GMT 0)

Zippy123 said...
So much for marriage vows, "in sickness and in health".

Lets be honest, not many people know what sickness is until they face it themselves. Before UC, I thought being sick was getting the flu haha. Looking at my friends, Im not sure many of their marriages would survive a real sickness.
Posted 7/13/2010 5:02 PM (GMT 0)
Many people in my life have been through very serious medical conditions and have found great partners and maintained solid friendships. Several are married (met their partners after becoming sick). Several became very sick in their teens/early twenties. I know it's an individual's attitude that makes the difference, so I agree with Dr. A. It's not easy, but please speak for your selves when discussing the limitations illness has placed on you.
Posted 7/13/2010 5:17 PM (GMT 0)
Ok, we have been married 49 years and been through a lot - not just illnesses but dealing with kids, etc.  My husband has had a heart condition since age 44 - bypass, etc.  I never thought once about not supporting him and helping him all I could.  Of course, he is a positive person.  Now he has the heart problems, COPD, PTSD, wearing two hearing aids, dentures, lung cancer and now neuropathy and a back injury they can't fix.  I would never leave him unless he was abusive or something - never because he is sick.  AND then I was diagnosed with UC only 2 years ago.  Hard for him to understand and I was supposed to have knee replacement and he just had a hard time understanding why I couldn't when bleeding, etc.

Communication - one or two of you said - is sooo important with everything you face together.  I do know some married and not married who broke up because they could not emotionally handle the others illness.  Sad - but just not meant to be I guess.

ElaineNY

Posted 7/13/2010 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
Wow this turned kind of negative.

My wife and I have been together for 6 years as of yesterday.

She started having symptoms two years ago and was diagnosed last year shorty after this month.

At first it did suck to be a part of her illness. In a relationship there needs to be equality. A balance of just about everything. When one side starts to lean a bit more than the other things begin to go into a bit of chaos. Which our relationship started to turn to. Regardless of how you want to word it, the other person in the relationship is entitled to all of the support and devotion as the person with UC. That is where I think some folks lose it.

I was consistently helping her through not only her physical problems, but also her emotional changes due to the disease. I would go out of my way to make her feel better about herself on a low self esteem day, and get her flowers, a sensual message. I kept at it for what was probably up until she started to go into a remission. The I decided to hold a conversation with her. Telling her that I as well have been going through a lot and that I need support and love as well.

We fought for some time, than we came to the conclusion that it has been harder on the both of us. She apologized for being selfish at times and we are working to make the relationship forget the UC. Though it will never go away, it is no longer the big concern of our relationship like it once was.

Just talk to each other. With out communication a relationship is crap in my eyes. Talking things out, with out yelling and shouting, would be the best advice I have for any couple, married or not in the realm of UC.
Posted 7/13/2010 6:01 PM (GMT 0)
Turned negative? uh, no. Fairly honest, yes.

You and your wife have communicated, which is a good thing. Not an easy task when one is emotionally and mentally dysfunctional. All sorts of crap come with just being in a relationship...without the tools or common sense to make it work...it's better to not be together unless both "get it".

Congratulations on making your marriage a priority.

I agree with the talking....I remember recently saying to my husband..."all the things you just said while in anger would be beter received and mean more if you could mention them in another state of mind". Some people just have a more difficult time expressing of themselves unless in a higher state of emotions.

q
Posted 7/13/2010 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
I believe you have to be on that level to enter a relationship. You talk to your friends, your mother, your dad, but you can't hold a conversation with your spouse. That is the one person you should be able to discuss anything with, even the color of your most recent bowel movement. Most relationships fail because they simply hold back things, and are scared to speak with the one friend that means most to them.

Emotions are fine in a conversation. Makes the words mean more. If the other person can't pick up on this maybe you need to push them to let some things go as well.

Guys have emotions, we hide them well, but they are there. Unless he is a total d-bag, any guy can hold a emotional conversation regarding a concerning topic with someone they care about.

That is however if that person does care about you.

If that is a concern, you may want that to be your first question in the conversation.
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