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Any advice on how not to stress out this next two weeks(my mother in law is coming to visit us)

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Posted 5/31/2011 10:43 PM (GMT 0)
My mother in law is coming to visit us next week Monday to Thursday.  The problem is she stresses me out and my husband out.  I have kept my mouth shut with her when she is here but last time I had enough and we got into it big time.  This was Nov. 2009.  She is coming now and I'm stressing out. 

Her and my husband don't really get along but he can ignore her mouth because he grew up with it. Me not so much.  I have listened to her for years talk about are the kids even my husbands and how my kids are horrible and it is to noisey in my house. I have three kids it is never quiet.  She basicly runs her mouth the whole time she is here.  I try to ignore her because saying something never works(she keeps doing it) but I get so upset.  Last time she was here I listened to her for three days before I said something to her and i wasn't nice.  Then I get mad at myself for letting her upset me and having me act like a B.  Last time she said to me you cater to your kids ever need and you spoil them that is why he came crying to you.  My middle kid came crying to me saying his brother hit him.  I asked my husband what happened and I got that from her.  I went off.  It is years of built up tension.  I also listened to her say to me when I was trying to get pregnant with my second child.  Your coming to have another kid you can't take care of the one you have.  Now, my husband is a good dad and loves his kids but he is the bread winner and I take care of them most of the time.  I do everything with them.  I raise them I'm the one who is home.  All she does is critizize me. 

My father in law is the same way but he lives here so I only see him for a couple of hours and then we leave and I hardly see him anymore because I can't take it either.  I just got into it with him a month ago for putting my kid in the front seat of the car again.  (this is the 5th time). 

I was just wondering if you had any advice on how to ignore it or not let them affect me.  I have tried talking to them nicely and so has my husband.  It does no good.  I just wish I could not let them bug me.  They are like this to everyone and my sister in law they do it to also(she don't let it bug her). My husband just blows it off because we have tried and tried and they keep doing it.  They just say mean things all the time.  Like our house we bought 6 years ago and my father in law says you can put earrings on a pig but it is still a pig.  No, oh how nice.  That is what we go.  He just told me also that I will never have a third of what he has.  I said I don't want to have what you have or act like you at all.  My husband and I try to stay away but it is his family. Ugh

I just don't want my UC to act up etc.  Thanks

Posted 5/31/2011 11:37 PM (GMT 0)
Gosh, this sounds so tough!!! I am sorry.

I get along with my in-laws but even so there are tensions when we are together for the occasional week-long visits.

What has worked for me is to make sure I need to be off by myself, or with a kid, for some period every day - window shopping, at some free event somewhere, at a park..... anywhere just to have some "me" time.

And take deep breaths.

On a lighter note, a friend once recommended that when the lectures started I should just picture them naked........ :-)

Good luck, and remember, you can vent to us!
Posted 5/31/2011 11:41 PM (GMT 0)
She said she was going to go to my husbands business when she is here. So, I won't be with her all day.  Usually I am with her all day.  So, if her and my husband get along the two full days she is here she will be with him until 6:30 at night.
Posted 5/31/2011 11:56 PM (GMT 0)
What about a hotel? Seriously. Perhaps it's not feasible financially, but if it is, I'd look into it. I've found it works wonders with family visits: my husband and his brother didn't get along for a while, and his wife was very clear that if we wanted to visit, we could stay at a hotel. It was hurtful at first, but once we got over it, we realized it was for the best. Everyone had their space. Perhaps you could find some place with a pool, so the kids can hang out and be as loud as they want, while you 'visit'.

I also like the suggestion of some alone time each day. You need to schedule that in.

Also, plan to be as busy as possible. Perhaps invite some friends over for dinner some of the nights she'll be there. People tend to be on their best behavior when strangers are around.

Oh, and if you can tolerate it: a little glass of wine or something each day at 6 o'clock works wonders smilewinkgrin

Hope it goes well!
Posted 6/1/2011 12:10 AM (GMT 0)
All good ideas! I change the subject w/my sister in law, can't stand her and it seems to work. If you can't evade her then I would ask her to sit down and talk to her, tell her that she says hurtful mean things and that if she can't say anything nice to not say anything at all. Ask her how she would feel if someone did the same to her (probably where she got it from but does not give her the right to do it). Ask her if these visits are pleasant for her because she seems so upset and negative toward your family that how could it be enjoyable.

Best of luck!
Posted 6/1/2011 12:17 AM (GMT 0)
His mom has money and we have told her to stay in a hotel but she will say no I will sleep on the couch.  The one time she did stay at the hotel she had us pick her up at 9:00 in the morning and didn't leave until 9:00 at night.  So it was kind of silly.  I do make sure we are busy.  Like I said she will be at my husbands work the two full days she is here until about 6:30 at night and they will leave about 8:30.  As long as they get along.  Then Wed. night my son has a baseball game(hopefully it doesn't rain). Monday night I pick her up at 4:30 from the airport.  So, Monday night and Tuesday night we don't have anything planned.  The kids are still in school, which is good then she won't get irritated as much but if she is at my husbands work she won't be around that much except at night.  It is very hard to ignore the bad mouthing non stop.  Ugh. 

Hopefully with her being at his work and not with me all the time I can handle it.  My mom always says it is for 4 days once every year or two.  Ignore it.  I try but it upsets me.  I have been nothing but nice to his family and they are always bad mouthing me and the kids and my husband.  It is horrible.  I know they won't change so I need to learn not to let it bug me.  It is hard though. 

Posted 6/1/2011 1:52 AM (GMT 0)
WIMOM, I completely understand and feel your pain. I feel like I have visitors every couple of months for 3 or 4 nights and while I love seeing people, it is hard hosting people in your home, especially people who are critical and judging. I remember a few months ago, I had my in-laws here and they were nagging me about my weight because I had gained from prednisone. They were saying to eat this and not that, I should be working out and doing yoga, it was really annoying. Anyone who has been on pred knows it is the drug and not diet/exercise. Then I had a visitior this week and they were saying my dogs aren't "well trained" because they dno't respond to commands. Just what I want to hear when I let someone stay with me. I try to ignore these comments but it never works out. I think I am going to stop allowing people to stay here. They can get a hotel. It's too hard to remain stress free through having a visitor. I've considered letting them have my place and getting a hotel myself, that's how much I hate having people. Perhaps the mature thing for us to do would be to confront the person firmly but honestly and tell them that their comments are hurtful and make us prefer that they stay elsewhere.
Posted 6/1/2011 2:45 AM (GMT 0)
so sorry to hear about the way she acts.  we have a lot of trouble with my mother and law, and her mother (who we have named evil grandma) and it makes me feel better to make veiled insults to them, that they aren't smart enough to get, plus im southern and they teach us at birth how to make the worst insult sound like a wonderful compliment.  makes me feel lots better! 

the hardest part is when they are mean to your children, and that iwouldnt stand for, i would have done just what you did.  My husband put up with it for a while, but now he makes no effort to see her, they live 45 minutes away but are too busy with my SIL to bother with us. 

Anyway, i think the best thing, is to just be as fake nice as you can, while talking horribly about her to anyone who will listen and make fun of her at every chance. 

And vodka, that would help

or valium, in her drink :D

Posted 6/1/2011 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
I guess you're in the driver's seat for what you put up with.

What do you mean your FIL lives there?

Did she just invite herself to stay there for 2 weeks?

Your husband lets his mom talk to you like that? You can establish  clear ground rules and tell him to get a set and tell his mother to NOT EVER talk to you disrespectfully.   You would have to do the same, however.

Your patience is interesting...what she's doing is bullying, what your husband is doing is being a bystander and a non-responder.

Set the rules...it's your house. Unless you're hoping for inheritence, I guess the game rules change.

It sounds like you and your husband could use a bit of counselling.

q
Posted 6/1/2011 8:06 AM (GMT 0)
We have two large slobbery hounds. It's great..no one stays unless they are prepared to live with white hair on their clothing. And so far no
ones been up to the challenge. I'm basically anti-social so it suits me and DW's and my dearest and nearest live close ..all within a mile radius..so no need to stay.
Buy a large shedding dumb slobbery hound dog and you will be ok forever.
Posted 6/1/2011 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Quincy. If she's staying in your home she needs to be respectful of the family. I think it would be ideal to have this conversation with her BEFORE she arrives. Preface it with, "When you last visited there was tension and disruption due to your behavior......it will not be tolerated on this visit. You are welcome to stay here as long as you are considerate and respectful. We will move you to a hotel if not." Your husband should really be the one to take this on, but if he doesn't, you need to. Remember, she's not going to ever change but you can change the way you react to her and put the burden of her behavior smack dab on her, not your family.

Sue
Posted 6/1/2011 2:41 PM (GMT 0)
I have two Huskies, no one stays with us anymore either (except the dog lovers in the family) but I tell you what...it's nice. :) Also, If I were you, I wouldn't hold it in all weekend. Try to relax, don't start off defensive (it sounds like you are already working yourself up for a fight and if that's the case, than anything she says is going to set you off), and give it back to her when she gives it. If she says, "I don't know how you can live in this house", then tell her "If you don't like it than stay somewhere else". What is she going to say? She's either going stay somewhere else, or shut up. If she says, "these kids are too noisy", then say, "maybe a hotel would suite you better? That way it won't be so noisy". Offering suggestions to her problems. :) Or, "they're kids...kids are noisy". When his father says "you can put earrings on a pig, it's still a pig" you can respond with "says the pot calling the kettle black"...I wouldn't put up with their garbage anymore. Don't let it stress you out...Here's a great quote for you to get through your mother in law experience:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"- Eleanor Roosevelt

Don't let them dictate how you feel or when you have a flare up. Good Luck!!
Posted 6/1/2011 7:33 PM (GMT 0)
The problem is we have talked to both of them a number of times and nothing changes.  I can handle it but they are doing it to the kids and that gets me going.  I do make comments back but nothing seems to help.  When I went off on her last time we had a talk after and that lasted a day.  I told her she makes me feel bad and that she can stay in a hotel etc. etc. She apologized and then the next night started again. 

My father in law just yesterday after we both had a talk with him about putting the kid in the front seat a number of times(I told him he isn't taking them anymore). He made some smart comment last night when I called my husband at work.  I heard him in the back ground.  Before we all get in another fight tell your wife thanks for the food.  What a jerk.  When we do talk to them we get it throwen in our face. 

My husband does say stuff to them.  My father in law called me a B and my husband said you will not talk to my wife like that.  the only issue I have with him is he won't tell them to f off and never speak to them again.  He will stick up for me and won't talk to them for a few months but then ends up letting them back in our life.  It is difficult.  He has said stuff over and over and they still do it.  So, what do you do?  My mom says ignore it, stay away from them as much as you can, and be the better person. My husband is supportive in this it is just I feel sorry for him also.  This hurts him alot.  I try not to pin him against them.  I just wish he would never speak to them again.  But that isn't my choice.  He is close to his aunt and grandma so we see the in laws because of them.  So, we will never be rid of them, I guess.  I know if my family was like this I would be done.  He does stay away from them.  His mom lives in GA so she only comes once a year if that.  My father in law lives here but I don't see him that much because of all the stuff that is said.  I see him once a month if that.  My husband stays away from them also, but isn't willing to get rid of them completely.  When I got into it with my mother in law he stuck up for me but he just ignores alot of it and doesn't let it bug him and just does what he wants, not what they want.  I wish I could be more like that.

 

Posted 6/1/2011 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
You can't tell your husband not to see his parents, however, you don't have to see them. If it is that intense with them, then you should let your husband and kids visit with his mother and father and then you can go somewhere else. At some point you are either going to have to do what your husband does during your limited visits with them, which is ignore them or move yourself out of the situation. Some people just don't mesh with each other...it's just how it is. Their visits shouldn't stress you out so much that you are worried about a flare.
Posted 6/1/2011 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
i know I need to just ignore them unless they are being mean to my kids. But their mean comments to me I should ignore.  I just don't know how to not let it bug me.  They are like this to everyone, not just me.  They do it to my husband also.  I just wish I was a better person and didn't let them affect me.  My sister in law doesn't let it affect her.  She blows it off and so does my brother in law.  My husband and I do also but it bugs me.  We still do what we want and raise our kids the way we want but my husband and I don't like to be around them anymore. 

Ugh!!!! Thanks everyone for the advice.

Posted 6/1/2011 8:42 PM (GMT 0)
plus im southern and they teach us at birth how to make the worst insult sound like a wonderful compliment.

I figured this out about certain people a long time ago haha, yes Southern women are experts at it. I do not do it myself (must have to be born there) but did catch on to what is really being said such as "Oh my that is an amazing dress" is not a compliment lol.

If someone came into my house and disrespected me they would never be allowed back in. You can only be mistreated once with no fault of your own, the second time you are co-operating with it if you allow it to re-occur.

You are also teaching your children by your actions how to handle bullies. I don't like scenes or arguments, just arrange life so that unpleasantness is at it's lowest level by not putting myself into bad situations. Just say no or goodbye, hang up, shut the door, don't answer the phone with their caller ID.
Posted 6/2/2011 12:29 AM (GMT 0)
I would seriously confront them and tell them that they make me uncomfortable and cause me to feel stressed which physically makes me ill. I would tell them they are welcome to come by and visit but that they can not stay over. I would also tell them that they are welcome so long as they don't say anything negative or critical about me or my family, directly or indirectly.

Screw them, it's not your job to take insults from your in-laws. My fiance and I don't see our parents very often for this very reason. I remember last time I saw my own father, he was saying I should get some new clothes... like he some kind of stylist. He has absolutely no fashion sense nor should he be concerned with how I dress. I just push them further and further away. That's what happens when you make people uncomfortable. Why continue a relationship with them? I know they are your husbands family - it is difficult but, if someone doesn't make your life better, sometimes you're better off without them in your life.
Posted 6/2/2011 12:27 PM (GMT 0)
We have told them all this and they say they will stop and they don't.  So, we are like you we just don't see them that much.  My mother in law hasn't been here since Nov. 2009.  I don't talk to her at all on the phone.  My husband talks to her about once every couple of months. 

So, my thing is we say all this to them and they still do it so we just don't see them that much, but it is still his mom and dad and he has to see them once in awhile.  He don't like it either.  I'm sick of saying stuff to them and they still do it.  So, like my mom said then why let it bother you.  You only seem them alittle.  Who cares what they say behind your back.  Who cares blow it off.  They fight with everyone.  I know this but it still bugs me.  It is rude.  I'm very close with my family and we don't treat each other like that.  So, for me to just ignore that kind of behavior is not okay with me but when i say something it never changes.  So, that is why we don't see them that much.  I had to distance myself.  It is just when I see them how do I not let them bug me.  they aren't worth me being stressed out. 

Posted 6/2/2011 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
It seems mothers-in-law just can't resist meddling. My MIL is actually a very nice person, but she has said things while visiting us that hurt my wife. Like the time she told us that the reason why my older son is sick all the time is because all he ever does is sit on the couch and play video games. The truth is he was sick the week she was here and wasn't going to his swim club, but he is a competitive swimmer and normally swims over 6 miles a week!

You just get the feeling she thinks we are crappy parents with all the little comments that she makes.

It's a tough situation when your in-laws get nasty. I just tune it out and try to stay busy. If it was my own mother, I would probably tell her to button it, but since it is my wife's mother, I try to not be overly confrontational.
Posted 6/2/2011 10:52 PM (GMT 0)
     Holy cow Wimom...no wonder you have UC...I was stressing just reading your posts!!! LOL!

     Maybe you can borrow Glen's slobbery hounds.  My mom was very critical and lived with us for a year prior to her death because my dad passed away and she was on dialysis and I couldn't let her live by herself.  I didn't get UC until about a year or so after her passing.

     I know it is easier said than done, but try letting things go in one ear and out the other.....keep thinking to yourself..."this too shall pass" and count the days, hours, minutes until she leaves.

     It's been fifteen years since mom passed but when I look at my two grown daughters, ages 39 and 34, and see their tattooes, the oldest divorced with two kids, the youngest going off on vacations with her boyfriend...I think...OY...if mom were alive would I ever be getting an earful!!!  LOLOLOL!  Life is too short to let this get you down.  You're a good person who does her best for her family.  Your health and well being are more important than your mother in law's criticism.

     God bless and good luck!!!  Let us know how you survived the week...have a drink on me!

Posted 6/3/2011 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
Gotta' wonder if her mother or father was critical to her...maybe you should ask her? Remind her of how it felt. Now this is a joke, but buy some earplugs and duck tape. :-) I know how serious this is for you, but if you ask her to stop and she doesn't -- prepare by finding a hotel in the area and send her that direction. Have a cab pick her up and take her home. Take the reigns! It's your house.

Posted 6/7/2011 2:41 PM (GMT 0)
Wimomof3

Just sending you calming thoughts today! OOOOOHHHMMMM!
Posted 6/7/2011 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
     Two more days to go shocked !
Posted 6/7/2011 6:36 PM (GMT 0)
Deeeeeppppppp breath....and Ommmmm! And a few hugs thrown in too. :-)

Posted 6/8/2011 2:29 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys, so far so good.  She made a few comments but I just ignored them.  I just told myself  she is no one important and it doesn't matter what she thinks.  It has helped that she is at my husbands store from about 8:30-6:15 so I don't deal with her all day.  I see her from 6:15-9:00 and then I go upstairs with the kids and stay up there.  We have kept busy also.  Yesterday when they got home we ate dinner, got ice cream, and went to toys r us so we were busy all night.  She seems to do better when we keep busy.  Tonight my son has a baseball game and then we are getting pizza and then bed time.  So, we will be busy tonight also.  She leaves tomorrow at 12:00.  So, I just have to drop her off at the airport and deal with her in the morning.  I know it isn't right when they make comments and everything but I feel really good about myself because I haven't let her affect me at all. That is how I want to be because they are never going to change.  As someone said she can't make me feel inferior without my consent.  Hopefully, tonight and tomorrow morning go well.  This is about the time she starts saying stuff.  She is usually fine for about two days and then wam.  She will start going off. 
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