relationship ended after i had a flare, seeking insight/advice

i'm a 22-year-old woman, and about a year ago i was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. doctors put me on sulfasalazine, which controlled the symptoms pretty well, until two weeks ago, when my disease flared so badly i had to go to the emergency room. i ended up in the hospital for four days. the doctors told me i was severely anemic and that my disease had progressed to a point that i will have to start on remicade infusions or i will probably lose my colon within the year. in the 4 days i was in the hospital, i was scared, hurting, and alone.

my boyfriend of 6 months knew i was in the hospital, never visited me, and didn't even call. after i got discharged, i called him, we met up, and i told him i was hurt that he hadn't come in or called. he said he was busy with work. i told him i understood, but a phone call would have taken twenty minutes, and all i'd have wanted him to say was something like, "i'm thinking of you, i'm here for you." he apologized, and i thought everything was fine. but then he didn't return my calls or texts for the next 5 days. finally, he called and said we should have dinner together. after dinner, when i told him i needed to know where he thought we were at/where things were going, he said "this has moved too fast, i need something more casual. i can't be what you want me to be, i ~do~ care about you, but you don't want to be with me, i'm just going to end up hurting you." to me, this felt like he was presenting me with a choice: either stay with him, but accept the relationship on his terms, and don't expect him to be there for me, or leave now, and then he doesn't have to feel bad about it, since i ~chose~ to leave.

i don't think it was "too much" for me to have wanted him to just call me in the hospital to tell me he cared, and i know i don't want to reduce to "something casual," so i ended it. i'm just so devastated. i am young, and i feel physically capable of enjoying a normal life as best i can. i want to have a relationship that's lighthearted and fun, like everyone else. but i am dealing with my UC, and every so often i will be in pain, or scared, and i need to know that the people close to me will be there for me emotionally in those times. but now, i feel like i can't confide in anyone in any way because it'll be "too much" and they'll just end up abandoning me like this guy. i feel like i can't even try to date, because if things progress past the superficial, into monogamy & such, i will have to hide my condition from the guy because he won't want/be able to "deal." i just feel so isolated. has anyone experienced this, and have any insight to offer?

This may not all apply to you, but I wrote this to a friend about your age yesterday, so maybe it will help in some way:

First, every relationship you have is going to end. Every single one. Some will end because you end them. Some because your partner does. Some end before ever getting started. And one/some will end involuntarily, through death.

Second, every ending is painful. If it's not, it means you weren't in it. And you'll never get into The Real Relationship, the lasting one, if you hold back. Great love means great pain. Period. So gird your loins.

Third, you can't wait around for your partner to commit to you before you let your heart loose. That's not the way love works. You have to plunge in and that means taking risks and getting hurt.

Fourth, that's what makes love so special. It's scary. It's risky. It's not certain. But you do it. You give your heart to someone else and hope for the best. And some day it's reciprocated in just the way you're hoping for. This is how trust is built. Slowly slowly you take little steps out toward the brink and when you don't fall off, you take a few more little steps. And some day you realize that you really can trust this person with your heart.

Finally, nothing worth doing is easy. Nothing. If you don't have to work at it, you don't appreciate it and it's not something that's going to be satisfying for the long term.

So don't give up. I know it hurts, and this probably isn't the last time you'll hurt. But don't close down your heart. Okay, you can do so temporarily but not permanently.

Okay?

I'm sorry that happened to you. I was talking to an ex the other day and he let it slip that my UC was "a factor" in him breaking things off last year. I was surprised, I didn't realize it was that big of an issue for him. However, I have had several great long term relationships since my diagnosis 10 years ago, and the UC was not an issue for those guys at all. In fact, one of my relationships started when I was in the middle of a bad flare - he was a doctor (not MY doctor) and not only was he not freaked out, he thought it was interesting and not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of diseases.

Think of having UC as a filter that weeds out guys who are immature, shallow, short on life experience, etc. If they can't handle something like UC, how would they deal with any other major crisis situation down the road? It's worth the wait for someone who can accept you in all of your multi-facetedness

Laura

I'm a guy, in my 20's.

A guy who says "its going to fast, i just want casual" actually means "i dont really wanta be with you, but ill stay until i find a better girl"...

You did the right thing, ****** didn't call cause well, he probably didnt care about you... The sun will shine eventually and you'll feel valuable. You just gotta tell yourself this and keep going strong! A guy will see your strength and find that attractive despite your disease.

Good luck! Tough it out and find happiness in yourself before you find happiness in being with someone.

Another guy here, mid 20s.

ColtisMastery has it absolutely right- straight up, your ex boyfriend was a jerk if he led you to believe you guys had something serious.

""this has moved too fast, i need something more casual" means "I'm just looking for sex/friendship, probably not exclusively with you".

Don't waste your time with that kind of guy again, especially not when you're worrying about UC at the same time!

Be glad he showed his true colors before you got any further into the relationship. My ex - who I was married to - was at the horse racetrack when my family had to take me to the ER, resulting in my admission to the hospital and diagnosis. He did visit me in the hospital and tried to be understanding through the first year or two, in which I was in a constant state of flare, but he just really wasn't up to the challenge. He hung in there, but was mentally checked out and we divorced - oddly enough - when I was in remission and was really starting to bounce back. Chronic illness is a big adjustment - both for the one affected and for their loved ones.

Any guy you're involved with who can't call, much less visit, while you're in the hospital doesn't "care" about you, no matter what he says. I'm with Pluton: concentrate on taking care of yourself. There are plenty of other great guys out there who know how to truly love someone - warts and all.

It might be hurtfull. You are in the hospital and you need support.
However this guy wasnt emotionnaly capable at that time or didn't want to. There is no need to go on about this guy and in a way thank for this flare cause it did speed up this relationship updates.

He wasn't serious from the start. No need to start to try to understand why. It's really obvious when men don't want to commit. A commited man doesn't let his girlfriend without attention when she is sick. Usually it;'s quite the opposite: men love to protect their woman. They usually do extra efforts to make sure you are secured, protected, loved and men take it personnaly when they can't make you better... like it's their fault.

You live and learn and when having a flare you don't want to drain your energy with a prick.

Yes, what everyone else said!!

There ARE plenty of guys out there who can deal with it just fine. I'm a 32-year-old female (UC since age 15), and have done a LOT of dating over the years. Every single guy I dated knew about my condition (some of them from the first date!), and it didn't seem to bother any of them. NONE of them ever left me because of it. In fact, most of them became even more supportive and understanding because of it. A couple boyfriends I had in the past would even hold the enemas under their arms or between their legs for a few minutes as we lay in bed together to warm them up for me before I administered them to myself.

Don't worry - most people in the world are NOT that flaky. And if that is enough to scare them off, then they are probably people you don't want in your life anyway.

I understand completely, my ex of 7 years did the same thing, no hospital visit, even ignored early morning calls from the hospital when my heart rate dropped.  But believe me they aren't all the same.  I now have the most amazing partner, he is the most supportive man a girl could ask for.  Things will get better I gaurantee there are more out there.

I was in the same boat as you being 21/22 getting dxed with UC. I remember sitting in the GI office as he is explaining to me that I have a disease with no cure and that I was going to deal with this forever. My GF of two years at the time was there for me and we got through it together. I would think that if you guys were more serious then maybe it would have been different. But from a guys perspective not calling at all means he doesnt care about you. He cares about you enough to get what HE wants but anything more than that would be on you. I know your hurt now but looking back you will be happy since you saw his true colors.

     So sorry you are going through this and had a jerk of a boyfriend to boot.  You did the right thing by dropping him like a hot potato.  However, look on the bright side....you could have been married to that nimwad.

     When I was hospitalized in 2008 for UP, one of my roommates was in the last stages of ALS, a devastating disease to say the least.  Thank GOD she had three wonderful daughters who visited constantly and just couldn't do enough for the poor woman.  However, her husband was top notch LOSER.  When he visited, about every other day, all he sounded like was..."OH...poor me!  I have to cook, I have to do my wash...you may be sick, but I am suffering too."  I felt like getting out of my bed and emptying my bucket of poop right over his head.

      My hubby was never too keen on hospitals, but let me tell ya, when I was sick, and when I had my operation in 2010, my man was by my side constantly.  He never bellyached about taking the high speed line and walking four blocks in temperatures of over 100 degrees to visit me every day for the 11 days I was hospitalized.  When I came home, he and my youngest daughter who lives with us, did EVERYTHING for me.  Hubby and I were married 43 yrs in May and God willing, I sure hope we both make it to our golden anniversary.

     Honey, you will find someone worthy of you and don't settle for second best because you deserve the best!

It seems the OP has left the forum....
q

the guys a moron, not worth ur time.