my "best" friend called me an infant

i had an accident last night while making dinner. this doesn't happen too often (this is maybe my 3rd or 4th this year) so i wasn't wearing Depends.  i ran to the downstairs bathroom but my mom was using it, so i had to run upstairs. by then, it was already coming out and i ended up ruining my favorite underwear (i threw them in the wash but they are light pink so i don't know how much help that will be). well, i mentioned this to my friend because we talk about everything and the convo went like this.

me: just had an accident and my favorite underwear are done

friend: i can't believe you still have accidents

me: well, my mom was in the downstairs bathroom and i needed it

friend: then walk your lazy ass upstairs and use that one

me: i did go upstairs but i didn't make it

friend: you're like an infant. i don't understand how you can't hold it.

honestly, i was so annoyed and upset that i felt like crying. he has NEVER understood this disease and has never tried, and it makes me wonder why we are even still friends. we've gotten in fights before about things like riding the trolley and stuff, but i've always gotten over it. i don't want somebody in my life that treats me like a joke. it's just sad because we've been best friends since i was 13. i think because most of that time i was well, he just can't see me as somebody who is sick. whenever i've been in the hospital, he has never visited me.

have you ever stopped being friends with someone who didn't get your UC?

That's terrible that she has no understanding of how you can't hold it. She should live a day with this awful illness or just a bad case of D.

Sounds to me like you need to take a relationship break for a while. If it were me I would just end it but maybe the truth is he is as frustrated over it as you are. Some people just don't know how to cope with others being sick, no matter what the sickness is. Things like this eventually have a way of biting you in the butt later in life. Maybe he will be incontinent when he is old and nobody will want to deal with it and they would rather just put him in a nursing home.

My daughter 25 doesn't get it. She has compartmentalized me into someone (like a friend of her's) that has Crohnes. She of course is an expert because her friend has the same thing.

So I have come to realize that no one understands (not even your doc) unles you have lived with it.

As we all know, not fun.

So I don't share that much anymore other than to say I'm not feeling well.

Johanna
I'm sorry your friend couldn't understand you :(
I think most people if not everyone have had an accident at least once in their life! Anyone who says otherwise is a liar ;)!!

you need to re-think your definition of friend.

Hi Joanna,
I feel so badly for you. It's hard to "let go" of a friend you've had so long. There's a lot of history there, and I wouldn't throw it away too easily. I'd sit down and have a talk with him. Tell him you care for him and want to stay close, but that his insensitivity is intolerable. First, tell him all of the reasons you value him as a friend and then why this is so upsetting to you. If you realize that he still doesn't "get it", tell him the topic of your UC is off the table..he can make NO comments about it and you won't either...only to say if you can't do something b/c of it. That's it. I think some men have a problem with tmi. Find a girlfriend you can talk to about something so private. Good luck. I can tell you're a really sweet woman. This is NOT about you, but him. Take care. Hugs. ~Cita

Hmm, guessing he's around your age (23?). I think he's just young and dumb..and insensitive. In 10 years he won't be able to eat "anything I want" - he'll start getting tummy upsets, heartburn, weight gain, high BP, high cholesterol, or something that he'll have to watch.

oh man that sucks Joanna. :(

Sorry but, favorite underwear, l.mao. I buy fruit of the loom and crap in it, wash, crap it in, wash...then I buy new ones and the cycle continues.

who cares about underwear, underwear is just underwear. But, yeah, you're a girl and girls like this stuff and all.

"friend: you're like an infant. i don't understand how you can't hold it. "

This is a great line. I've seen this before. I think don'tscopeme's wife told him the same thing, well, to the same extent. Oh, I remember, ...it was : "Be an adult and hold it". lolololol

People that don't have this disease, sadly, they don't understand.

And trust me. even if your girl friends sympathize with you, THEY TOO, they don't truly understand. The only way to understand it, is to experience it.

Sometimes I want to build a resort or retreat facility, where we could all visit and commiserate together. Because if you struggle with any sort of bowel disorder, you understand and sympathize instantly with a story like this one. I'm so sorry this happened to you Joanna. I personally believe for those with normal bowel function, they feel the need to either dismiss our struggles as minor or categorize us (comparing you to an infant). They just need to quickly understand by making a joke of the situation. When in reality, all we want them to do is - listen to us. And say - things will get better or you'll find ways to cope with this. Something to that effect. But does this happen? No!

I am much older than you are and although I don't have the UC diagnosis, my symptoms are somewhat similar and I struggle each and every day.

I just no longer share details of my chronic health condition. I have given up trying to get anyone w/o issues to understand. Sometimes they think it's my stomach that bothers me and I let them think this. Because to correct this incorrect assumption, is too much work!

But I learned this the hard way. 13 years ago I felt compelled to explain why I spent so much time in the bathroom (bowel resection, have never been the same since).

Hang in there, wish I could give you better advice but wanted you to know you are not alone.

I find it liberating to throw my underwear in the trash can after an accident. I try to mentally "cut ties" with the accident and move on. If it was a favorite pair then I tell myself I'll find a better pair. I used to try to save my underwear...rinsing then washing...no,no I've changed my policy on that.

I agree women are innately nurturers. We are able to anticipate others' needs and we are sensitive to their pain. I don't think your friend meant to hurt your feelings. I would tell him and if he's really a friend I bet he'd apologize.

Sorry you had a terrible evening...losing your favorite underwear and being disappointed in your friend. :(

Speaking as a guy, us guys can be sympathetic, too

I have guy friends and acquaintance in their early 20's, and although I don't think they really fully grasp how much UC makes me feel horrible, I can't imagine any of them calling me an infant. Your friend is 23, guy or girl, he is old enough to know better than calling you an infant, especially if he knows you have your disease. If a friend calls me an infant for having an accident, I'd probably explain to him/her my disease and if the person continues to be insensitive about it, I would slowly part way from the friend. We all deserve quality friends.