Bully coworker causing me UC flare-ups?

There's been something on my mind for about four years now that I have been too ashamed to talk to anyone about. It has caused me a lot of emotional stress the entire time and I know I will sound like a total wimp, so please don't tell me that. Thanks. I appreciate any advice you can give me.
I work with an engineer, Brian, who is clinically depressed, he is ten years older than me, has three kids, no college degree and he talks about how he hates his job everyday. He recently went thru a long, bitter divorce and he tells me he owes a lifetime of money to his ex-wife for child-support of the three kids, legal-fees, etc.
I was hired to work with this guy in 2008. In contrast to him, I have a college degree in this field and a positive attitude for the job and he has hated me for it. I didn't have a lot of experience, so he was assigned to be my mentor for the job. My first year and a half working with him as my mentor, he harassed and intimidated me on a daily basis. Here is how he treated me during this time:

1. Brian started out with stares. Whenever he would talk to me, he would stare at me and after the conversation was over, he would continue to stare at me in a creepy way.
2. When I had a question, Brian would yell at me because somebody with my experience should already know the answer to my "stupid" question.
3. For a few days, I thought we were doing good and Brian was being really nice to me, making small talk asking me how I spent my weekend at my parents house. He asked me where my parents lived, and I let my guard down and told him, and suddenly he got serious and said "I will remember that." and gave me a threatening glare. It made me so uncomfortable that I didn't ask him at the time what he meant by that. I didn't really know him, so I wasn't sure if this should be interpreted as a death threat against my family.
4. Brian would constantly mope around and complain about how they were going to lay him off because they hired me.
5. Brian would joke around to me about he was going to leave his kids at my doorstep. I guess he doesn't want to take care of them himself?
6. At one point, Brian told my boss that I wasn't doing a good job, so my boss put me on a 30-day probation, saying that they would "let me go if I didn't show improvement in 30 days". My boss was only in the office with us a couple days a week, so my boss didn't really know how I was doing. After the 30 days was up, my boss decided to keep me though.
7. Brian googled my name one day, looking for dirt on me. There is none, but he wanted to see if there was any.
8. One day, I was leaving to go on vacation to Utah and I stopped by to say bye to Brian and he was talking to another coworker. They must have been talking about me, because the other coworker asks me if I have a girlfriend, and I said no, he then stately loudly in front of a lot of other coworkers that "You don't like girls" which I never said. He then accused me of "human trafficking" as must be my reason for going alone to Utah for vacation. None of this is true. He called me a "mule" because I prefer to do things on my personal time by myself (this is because of my Ulcerative Colitis, but I didn't want to tell him about that). He was putting on a show for anyone within an earshot in our office at my expense. Later, I complained about this to Brian, and he says "well doesn't your parents think it's weird that you don't have a girlfriend".
9. Lastly, Brian slapped me on the back of the head (it wasn't a nice slap) because I needed help figuring out a problem at work. Our boss actually saw this happen and offered to talk to him about it but I said no and that I would talk to him myself instead.

I then had a private talk with Brian. He insisted that he had no problem with me and that all this was all in my mind. I asked him about the possible death threat against my family (number 3 above), and he said that he wasn't threatening me. He told me that I would never have made it in this job if his old boss was still there, someone that was laid off before I was hired.
My boss and Brian didn't like each other, but throughout all these problems I never complained about Brian at all. I was always instead focused on trying to be successful at the job. I also was afraid that if I did speak up about him and he got fired, that he would retaliate against my family in some way. I've seen a very crazy, unsettling look in his eye, that makes me wonder what he's capable of.
This all happened between mid-2009 to late-2010. Since then, Brian doesn't harrass me anymore because we got a new boss. But I find it hard to forgive him and still work with him after all this.

During all this, my Ulcerative Colitis symptoms have gotten worse. I've never told anyone this before; I've just kept it all bottled up inside. What do you guys think?

I should also mention that Brian is in his early 40s, so I am surprised I have to be put through this by someone who should be mature.

I am so sorry you are going through this. What he did is unacceptable. But you cannot change him or what he did in the past. All you can change is you and your outlook of the situation. Maybe if you try to forgive him and move past this then you will be less stressed. Worrying does not accomplish anything but making you more upset. (I really need to learn to take this advice myself. Just ask my husband, lol.).

I do 100% agree that what he did is wrong and grounds for termination. But since you did not presue it back then there really is nothing to do except make your UC worse by agonizing over it. I say if he even slightly offends you again take it straight to the boss. Say "I have given him chance after chance. I have had conversation with him that he was making me uncomfortable. He did for a short time modify his behavior but ..."

With our problems working alone is stressful enough. Worrying about how to get there or where we can stop for emergencies. Also how many sick days we have. How much sleep we need. Etc... You do not need a negative person adding to that. But if you cannot get away from him, which it seems you can't then the only thing you can do is change you.

(Please do not think I in any way mean to be rude or uncaring. I completely sympathize. I can tell you have done everything you can to make this work.)

i'd say working in an environment like that could definitely have an affect on your uc. but unfortunately since you didn't complain back then, there's not much you can do about it now. however, if he does display any behavior like that in the future, then definitely make a record of it & take it straight to your boss.

More suggestions.....keep a small tape recorder on you at all times. Be ready to tape the maggot when he starts acting like an A**hole. Then, bring that recording to HIS boss, or if need be, the President of the company.

This type of behavior should not be tolerated anywhere. Yes, there are sometimes that people will act like temporary A**holes. That is normal (and will be explained in the book; see above post). But then, there are certified A**holes. This type of maggot needs to be dealt with!!

Use your anger as fuel. One of my managers hated me and I hated her. She lied to HR saying I attacked her, and told my bosses that I attacked her, all over a phone dispute when we were working OT. This caused me to severely flare from all the stress. You must become a better person, I find it hard for myself to forgive as I will never forget. GRRRRRRRRRRRR

stress kills! he's trying to kill you Power33! you must fight back!

Post Edited (fightUC) : 5/29/2013 11:08:56 AM (GMT-6)

fightUC said...
Use your anger as fuel. One of my managers hated me and I hated her. She lied to HR saying I attacked her, and told my bosses that I attacked her, all over a phone dispute when we were working OT. This caused me to severely flare from all the stress. You must become a better person, I find it hard for myself to forgive as I will never forget. GRRRRRRRRRRRR

stress kills! he's trying to kill you Power33! you must fight back!

I feel so much energy and enthusiasm in this post. lol

Document, document, document. Get anything you can in writing or by e-mail, record what conversations you can. Follow up confrontational talk with e-mails: "You stated..." to help document.

Sounds as if this guy is creating a hostile work environment and that's not okay.

Of course, you may also choose to lay low and look for a new job instead of continuing to deal with this bozo.

Could the stress be causing flare ups? Absolutely it could.

Before retirement and being gifted with UC, I was a manager responsible for directing the work of an interesting cross-section of humanity. The one thing a manager never wants to hear is that one member of the team is harassing or bothering another. In today's business environment, conflict can't be allowed to continue. Any individual who exposes the employer to a lawsuit or affects production by behaving badly is a liability.

There is little you can do about incidents that occurred in the past. However, you should feel empowered knowing that anything your co-worker does to you in the future can and will be reported to management. This includes unwanted physical contact, judgemental remarks about your personal life, etc.

People who harass others are cowards. The individual you work with is afraid of something and is using you to build himself up. Just remember to be firm when he steps out of line and tell him that if it continues you will report matters to management. Keep your own record of incidents and stay the course.

"Yeah, I have had trouble forgiving myself for letting him do all that stuff. I guess putting it here on a forum has helped me a little. I feel a little less alone. Brian is lucky that he bullied such a laid back guy like me. I guess he chooses his victims wisely because a lot of guys would have probably ended him by now after the stuff he put me through. I feel like I have achieved some kind of monumental feat by going thru all this harassment, humiliation and threats and still working with him for so long."


good point 33 - strength can be shown in many different ways !