Desperate and destructive

I think you need to talk to a doctor about depression, and anger is a form of depression too.

We all understand some of these feelings but yours are extreme and you do not need to feel this way.

If your symptoms are so bad that you continue to feel like this have you considered talking to a surgeon about that possibility?

Yes UC is a disability but not a deadly one.
Tell us what you've tried, medication-wise, so far.
How long have you been dealing with it?

I have felt that way so many times over the course of my life and in my case, i don't think UC is entirely to blame, though I could see it putting any sufferer in this frame of mind. I think it's important that we keep things in perspective. You will heal, you will have ups and downs but overall, you can't let UC degrade the quality of your life to the point that you're feeling completely hopeless. Surgery is an option that can give people their lives back even in the worst circumstances of UC flare ups. Sometimes I agree, having cancer seems like either you make it or you don't and people are more understanding and supportive. With UC, they are often know-it-alls, trying to offer annoying, dumb solutions, like cutting out greasy foods and thinking they are brilliant :) Please try to think positive, and see someone if you get in a bad state that lasts for a period of time. Antidepressants seemed to help my outlook a bit and at that point, my UC backed off. Maybe it would help you too.

I hope you may find some help for yourself. Talk to your wife and see if she can guide you to people that can help. Maybe a counselor first, then back with your doctors to figure out how the disease can be minimized.

I think we've all gotten mentally bad from time to time dealing with things. Please try to take care of yourself. I don't know you from anyone, but I care about every person the same and would help you if I knew you.

Please keep posting on here as an avenue to vent and put together a plan. We're all here for each other, including you.

There are support groups around that might make you feel less alone. Some hospitals, GI centers or even the CCFA can hook you up.Maybe that is not your style, but find some productive vents...like us! Hugs to you....try to do something that makes you happy today.

You are not alone. You have us :) We completely understand! Thank goodness for this forum because honestly, it has helped me in my most desperate hours. I didn't have this sort of outlet until I already had UC for nearly 11 years. Because of this forum, just being able to talk to people that knew what I was going thru, offering support, help etc I finally came to terms with my UC.

Like with any chronic illness, there are stages of grief. Anger is among them. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be depressed. But how you get past it is important. Don't let it consume you. And trust me, you will get past this stage of grief. It may take a while because it's not an overnight thing. But in the meantime, we are here for you. Hang in there!

Thanks for your Rx med history.
What I see is you have a right to be down because many drugs have failed to help you. This happens to maybe 30% of UC people and I am one of them too.

No one except someone who has gone through this gets how frustrating it is. We do everything we're supposed to, take all the meds and still don't see improvement.

BTW I do not agree with the comment that antibiotics do more harm than good since you are fighting C. Dif. right now. Really don't agree.

If Rx meds don't help then the choices you have are fewer. You can head out into the DIY world that many have stated helps them: fecal transplant, diet modification, supplements, herbs, probiotics, clay and many more treatments. I'm sure you've read about many of them.
The other choice is surgery.

Why not start exploring everything: talk to a good colon surgeon and start doing something DIY that appeals to you.

At the very (very) least you should be taking a very strong probiotic because you are on strong antibiotics to fight the C. dificile. Ask your GI about fecal transplant because fecal transplant is allowed in many places for C. dificile and would be covered by many insurance plans (but clear it with insurer anyway).

After your antibiotic course is done you should continue taking the probiotic.

Diet modification has been the reason for my remission but a few years ago I was at the sad place you are now.

You can get better but it will take hard work on your part deciding what path to take.

Good luck.

scum1 said...
UC has totally derailed my life and even my marriage. I am so devastated. I actually told my wife the other day I would rather have cancer.

I just told my husband on Thursday that I hoped this lump in my neck is lymphoma.

I'm sure we won't still be married by this time next year. He hates me since I've been sick, and it is next to impossible to deal with this disease without support.

 

Well said "you are in a way mourning the loss of the life you envisioned for yourself "   that makes a lot of sense

 

Hagz said...
I am so sorry you are in such a bad place right now. I agree with Red_34 that dealing with a chronic illness is difficult, and you are in a way mourning the loss of the life you envisioned for yourself hence the stages of grief. I would absolutely recommend getting counseling to help you deal with the feelings of anger, helplessness etc. I often feel that my friends and family really don't understand what the illness is and how it effects me, and it's frustrating at times. My cousin just called me to say she had bad gas for a couple of days so does that mean she has colitis! I should have told her yes, you'd better get a colonoscopy right away I'm glad you and your wife had a good talk - it's so important that the person you live with understand how hard it is on you, and in turn we need to understand how hard our illness is on them. Hang in there - things always get better eventually! Good Luck.

scum think about this for a minute - I'll try not to sound preachy. As an example lets say two people with similar backgrounds and ages just lost their mom at a very young age. One person carries on, and happily adjusts, and the other person is miserable, sad, angry depressed. So what's the difference?

It's not what we have to deal with in life - because we all have do deal with something, whether it is a health problem, or a financial problem, or a family problem, etc. - but HOW we see it.

You should get the book Awareness by De Mello and read it backwards and forwards over and over. My point is someone can have the worst possible scenario happening to them in life, lets say they were just convicted of a crime and have to be in jail for 15 years, and yet they can still be "happy." I'm not talking about the kind of happiness we get from life's thrills like good food, or compliments, or money, I'm talking about a peace of mind that comes from "waking up" and realize that all these things we desire are just transitional.

Depression has nothing to do with whatever condition we have. It really doesn't. It all has to do with how we SEE life and what we expect from it. Usually when we get something "fixed" we replace it with something else to worry about. It's just the human condition. The great thing is you don't have to change a thing because we are the same, wanting this or that.

John

Scum1 (I think I'd change my screen name..;-) You have a right to feel exactly as you feel. I am the partner to a guy with UC diagnosed in 2007 when it wasn't so bad. Over the years, it progressed to really bad and he got depressed, even said he could understand people committing suicide over this disease. I have always tried to be very supportive and that's how I found this forum. He's not a member....yet. He tried the standard drugs...listed at the end of my post here.

His saving grace and dare I say "miracle" drug turned out to be VSL#3. After about a 10 month flare -- BINGO -- flare completely gone in less than 3 days. I read about VSL#3 here and appreciate finding out about it so much because he has now been in a several months remission. We know there is no cure, but it can be dealt with and I'm hoping your wife comes aboard. How about getting her to sign on or just read on this forum?

I think you set yourself up for failure and disappontment if you set out to 'beat' UC. Knowlege and action that will help you cope might be a better goal.

"We tend to forget that its hard on our loved ones as well." I don't know Marianne, I don't think thoughts like that at ALL. First of all I'm not married and I'm sure there are lots of other people in here living alone.

My illness is mine! If I am sick or not feeling well and it affects someone else then that is their problem, not mine. If someone chooses to let their emotions or moods change because of someone else being sick then they have to deal with that. Can you imagine if all the nurses in the world let their patients illnesses affect their moods or well-being? We'd be in a whole heck of a lot of trouble! :)