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Moms of little ones-- how do you handle it all? Dads too.

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Ulcerative Colitis
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Posted Yesterday 3:46 AM (GMT 0)
My husband and I married this June. I was diagnosed in June 2014 and was in remission. During that year, we tried to get pregnant. Sadly, I had an emergency hysterectomy in February. So we started adoption classes when the big one hit (a flare requiring a 3 week hospital stay.)

My husband travels 1-2 weeks per month, and I own a very active business. My husband has 3 adult children and I have none. He's was literally paralyzed with fear watching me go downhill. He is more supportive than I could hope for but now hesitant about adoption.

Raising kids while healthy is challenging enough, and this last flare was a wake up call. We have close friends but no family nearby. We've discussed moving closer to family to help us out.

So tell me, how do you do it?

My dream of a family was crushed with the hysterectomy and adoption gave us such hope. We are so excited to bring a child into our lives but not if my health will limit my ability to offer that child everything they deserve.

Many thanks!
Posted Yesterday 6:51 AM (GMT 0)
Family life is about dealing with the ups and downs however extreme they may be. I have 3 children. My symptons began the day after I gave birth to my second child - I was diagnosed (initially with UC) exactly a year later. So I had a new born and a 3 yr old.

Yes it's been hard at times - but that's bringing up children. Yes they've got used to flares and a mum that can't join in. Mostly I'm sad that they didn't know the lovely energetic me before this. But ultimately I'm their mum and I love them to pieces. The things they've missed out on because of my disease have not been major in my view. What they've had is love and attention and what they are is very understanding children/adults when it comes to others ill health.

My advice would be if you are able to offer a stable, loving home that is key. There is a way round the crap that life will continue to throw at you on the way ... Whether it's IBD related or not. Good luck.
Posted Yesterday 12:17 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the advice. If you can handle 3 at one time and babies at that...that gives me hope. I suppose we do what we must and what we want.

Sounds like you've done a great job and have 3 amazing kids!

I'll share your post with my husband

Best,
Jill
Posted Yesterday 12:53 PM (GMT 0)
The thing I try to remember when I am feeling crummy is that this is "normal" for my boys. They know that some days I don't have a ton of energy. I think it has made them better people, they have learned a little more independence and also reach out to others when they see someone who needs help.
Posted Yesterday 2:43 PM (GMT 0)
I have two children (now grown) and they also were used to seeing mom feeling crappy while growing up. I tried my hardest to make it to every one of their school functions and I was even a Girl Scout leader. My daughter was into sports (basketball and soccer). But they understood if there were times I couldn't attend various events. My kids grew up with an unhealthy mom so to them it was normal. But one thing my kids never lacked was love, nurture and stability - that is the main thing that children strive on. Not whether you are able to keep up with them. I did the best I could and they turned out great :)
Posted Yesterday 3:49 PM (GMT 0)
The adoption process is stressful so that could have made you more susceptible to a flare.

You need to make sure both you and your husband are on the same page and that you both are willing to make sacrifices as needed to raise your child. Living nearer to family might be one answer, but that's never a guarantee of their support and assistance over the long term (older relatives can have their own health declines, siblings and cousins may end up moving, etc.)

Depending on the age of the child you adopt, you have around 18+ years to raise that child.

Do you think your husband will have the same heavy travel schedule for 18+ years? Most people's jobs change over time, due to promotions, lateral moves, career changes...

You can't predict what medical options might be available for UC in the next 18+ years, so it's difficult to judge the future based on your situation today.

With your last flare, were there any early indicators that you can see in retrospect, that might have helped you get ahead of your flare, so that you would have spent less time in the hospital?

My vote would be to move forward with the adoption. In many ways it would only be more difficult if you delay the adoption until you're older....

It could help to plan ahead for day care/ preschool/ schools with UC in mind. The closer they are to your home, the less driving you need to do to get junior there in the morning or to pick him up when you're flaring. Things like that.
Posted Yesterday 8:41 PM (GMT 0)
I'm the father of two and was diagnosed this year with UC. Due to my work schedule I was, and in most ways, still am the primary caregiver for my girls.

The funny thing is, UC actually changed my outlook on things. Pre-UC I was very negative and would dread coming home from a night shift and having to watch the kids all day when I was exhausted. I now appreciate the good times with my girls a lot more than I did before. I enjoy my time with them no matter how tired I am. I think I was spoiled before and took my family for granted. When I'm not feeling well I still get to lay around and watch them play and laugh and have a good time and it lifts my spirits. I admit that I sometimes feel guilty when I'm occasionally unable to participate in things, but they just move on and still enjoy themselves without me. For most of us, we're not sick all the time and we still have lots of good and healthy times.

I say go for it an only offer two pieces of advice

1: Build a strong support network that is aware of your disease and can help as needed. This doesn't have to be family...can be friends, church, coworkers, etc.

2: Shed some of your expenses, if needed. I don't need to know your financial situation but you don't want to be in a spot where a surgery or extended flare will cause a major hardship on your family. We can all get caught up living beyond our means. That stress is one none of us need on top of our disease.
Posted Today 3:57 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you to everyone for your input. We certainly have a lot to discuss but it's clear from your responses that we would never regret it.

I guess a support system is a must. And a clear understanding of my disease. My flares happen yearly at the same time so we'll need to prepare.

You are all clearly loving parents raising amazing kids.

Thsnks again!
Hopefully in a few months we'll have some good news to share.
Posted Today 2:16 PM (GMT 0)
My symptoms started during my first pregnancy and I was diagnosed after I gave birth. I now have 2 wonderful boys - 3 years and 8 months.

Flaring while being a mom can be rough. Being a healthy mom can be rough too! But its worth every minute. I get down sometimes that I have bad days but the boys are the light in my life and my husband is insanely supportive.

I wouldn't change a thing. I say go for the adoption. You can't predict the future...with UC or without. You never know whats coming down the drug pipeline and from some recent studies it looks promising.
Posted Today 4:10 PM (GMT 0)

Somebody said...
You never know whats coming down the drug pipeline and from some recent studies it looks promising.

Any studies in particular?
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