OT: Restaurant scenes

First, a quick update on my situation. I'm having a small bowel MRI on 5th February to check for small bowel Crohn's 'cos the pain has got worse. It's really eating into my sleep and quality of life. My pooping habits haven't improved. In the last week alone, I've had two accidents - luckily both were when I was at home. I'm getting increasingly tired of this, in all senses of the word.

Anyway, today I went with my mum to her friend's house. For dinner we go out to a thai restaurant. We've been there a couple of times before and the food is basic but very good. My mum and her friend have been drinking beforehand and are already drunk by the time we get to the restaurant. It used to be that we would get a takeaway in, but that was when her husband was still alive. Now we go out for a meal instead, where the friend is always in imminent danger of taking mortal offense at something and making a scene - this was what happened a few weeks ago in a Harvester's, where she took offense at an offhand remark a waiter made.

As hideously embarrassing as Harvester's was, tonight was a million times worse. For a start it got deeply personal - against me. Our main courses had arrived and I was eating my chicken penang. The friend asked if I was going to go to Spain in Easter - an aunt of mine has invited me over there. Initially I was keen to go, but weeks of sleep deprivation and pain have cooled the initial ardour, and now I'm really not sure about going. I said something like I'm not sure to the friend.

My memory goes blank here. All I remember is that the friend doesn't seem happy with my reply but drops it for a few minutes. She asks me about it again. I'm not keen to talk about it. I muttered something about my health and the friend says I can get insurance for that. My mum says, "she doesn't mean that, S____", and then the friend starts lecturing me about how I shouldn't let that hold me back, that life was for living, etc. At this point I start to feel majorly stressed - I cannot stand people pressuring me. Think I bring up sleep deprivation and pain and how nobody understands what it's like. I get a "other people have it worse than you, darling" in response. I'm like, I don't care.

I'm realising now how much of this conversation I must have already blanked out. The friend accuses me of being pissy when to my mind she was the one who started on me and sounded pissy and aggrieved first. After that point, things stopped cascading downhill and crashed through rock bottom instead. I get more and more upset. The friend gets more and more on her high dudgeon. She stalks out without a word. My utterly drunk mum not only didn't stick up for me, she blamed me entirely and said the friend had done nothing wrong. She (my mum) is like ice: cold, with not a single kind word to say. Just pursed lips and disapproval.

The friend comes back in at that point and I'm not exaggerating when I say that the two of them gang up against me. Two drunk women who can't hold their drink in the slightest. I just completely lose it and start crying: they - loving every moment of it I am sure - tut tut at me and say the other people in the restaurant don't want to hear this. (By this time, it's an almost empty restaurant and only one other table is occupied.) I kept on bringing up Harvester's and how they didn't mind spoiling things for other people then, but they didn't even bother to pretend to address that.

At this point, utterly distraught, I phoned my friend. Thank god she was in. She was so, so, so good. Spent ages on the phone talking to me, very gradually calming me down. The mum and the friend piss off halfway through this, stalking past me without a word.

Oh yes I remember something now. I told my mum in the utmost anger I was sick and tired of being everyone's fallguy - hers, my dad's, her friend's. They can create scenes with impunity, moan endlessly, etc. and nothing is said by anyone. The minute I do the same I'm roundly condemned for my "apalling" behaviour, how could I behave like this, etc. etc.?

Eventually I just drove home, alone of course.

I just feel so desolate when something like this happens. I only moved out of the parental home last year, at the age of 40. Emotionally I'm still as dependent on them as a child is, 'cos thanks to the lovely asperger's, depression and crohn's, I was never able to leave home at a normal age, hold down a job, meet a partner, form my own family and become independent. It's a constant source of sadness for me. My parents are psychological screw-ups - with my dad, it's always been blatantly obvious, everyone talks about it (behind his back). With my mum, it's not at all obvious, apart from the excessive drinking. And she is ridiculously defensive about that, so nobody mentions it. But I've come to the conclusion that my mum can be a pretty darned toxic person in her own right: she really does dump every single 'bad' emotion onto me and goes ice-cold on me when I'm at my most distressed.

I'm sorry, I can't afford a therapist. Confessing to HW is as close as it gets for me. I actually would be quite keen to have weekly psychotherapy.

#blogFAQs

I'm sorry your asperger's kept you in such a home for so long. I left mine as soon as possible by going to college and never came back ever again. Even though I was poor for a very long time freedom was worth it. Glad you have your own place now but why spend time with people who abuse you emotionally? That is not healthy behavior.

I talked to my parents (long distance) over the years and saw them only occasionally and do not miss them now that they have died. Some people are bad parents. I love being an adult and choosing who to be with, everything after high school has been better. UC has been a challenge but I can't imagine being around people who do not respect that IBD is a serious handicap and gang up on someone who lives with it every day.

Alcohol is a factor in your family, it was a problem for both my parents. People do not see themselves as they are when they are drunk. Have you ever thought about doing a vid with your camera and showing it to her when she's sober? It made David Hasselhoff get sober.

@Dikid - Thanks. I can certainly think of better ways to spend a Sunday evening :-/

@imagardener - If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now, I'd do anything I could to leave home by my early 20s. As far as alcohol is concerned, I appreciate your suggestion but I know it wouldn't work with my mum: she is in absolute, perfect denial she has a drinking problem. My dad is a teetotaller and doesn't like my mum's drinking but at the same time he often appears to enable it.

@Thanks toomuchpoopin. Unfortunately I'm not close to my siblings and I'm rather isolated from the rest of the family. Just recently, at Christmas time, the aunt with a house in Spain did reach out to me. It's too early to tell whether anything will come from that, but I'll try to keep in touch.

I'm so sorry to hear that.
You're right no one Totally understands but I hope the people that love you are helping you through this. It's tough, try not to be too afraid to let a select few in. Pray if you can.

Also vent here as much as you'd like, we are here for you.
I don't know you, but I understand

NCOT- my mother-in-law sounds much like your mother, always one to make a scene in public after having "some" wine and never willing to take responsibility for it. I am sorry you have to deal with this, it really does pull families apart. We have yet to find a good way to handle it so I can't offer advice, just sympathy. It sounds like you have a friend who is willing to listen and support you, but don't ever feel bad about talking about it here.

Thank you folks. I'm worn out after another night of pain and hardly any sleep. Also feel sick as a dog at times but it never progresses to vomiting. Incidentally, coconut milk curries *were* a relatively safe food for me - obviously not anymore. Nothing is even partially safe anymore.

@quincy - Sorry, I phoned a different friend. God, if I'd only been able to settle it with my mum's friend - she just lost it. I know I lost it too, but I'm sick to death of being treated as the pariah while all the divas in my family lose their heads - my mum's friend, my dad - and never take a single ounce of responsibility for their behaviour or for upsetting other people. In my mum's eyes, it literally is one rule for everyone else, and a different, unfairer, rule for me.

I'm sorry about your mum. I wouldn't wish an alcoholic parent on anybody. Even if they're the loveliest person when sober, their need to drink takes over everything. Plus the personality changes when they are drunk are not nice to deal with either.

My mum is a pretty cool person when not drunk. We get on well. Drinking definitely changes her personality for the worse, but she just denies it or turns it back on me ("well you're not exactly easy to get on with yourself").

@Martinco, Alice and juststud - Thanks you guys. I won't go out with them again, at least not while they are drunk. That's one thing I can do for myself, but it's pretty much the only thing. If I try to lay down boundaries, it won't work: I can guarantee they will not stop or even reduce their drinking when I'm there. For the sake of a "normal" (ha!) relationship with my mum, I've had to learn to tolerate her drinking. I used to make a few noises of dissent about it, but it never made the slightest difference whatsoever and usually just lead to a row. The thing is, as ****ed-up as my family are, they are literally the only family I've got. So I always end up giving in and being the fallguy because I don't have any other social networks of my own.

I tried breaking away from my parents last year and, in a nutshell, it didn't work. Feelings were so bad between us I stopped speaking to them and vice versa. It was okay at first, but gradually I slid into a serious depression: I went weeks without speaking to a single soul apart from the brief interaction at shop tills. It made me realise why isolation is used as a form of torture in American prisons.

Basically, I'm not in a good position to cast aside my dysfunctional family, although sometimes I have so much rage inside I would like to. I'm not asking them to be perfect, but they can't even manage the most basic honesty or self-reflection.

@momto2boys - Thank you. I'm afraid I don't have any good advice for you either, apart from trying to see your MIL as infrequently as possible, which you probably already do. People like that really never do seem to change either. I seriously believe that people like your MIL and half my family (including myself) would benefit from intensive psychotherapy, 'cos the one thing they all seem to have in common is that they are seriously emotionally repressed and in denial about it. I'm the only one who I don't think is in massive denial, but I have serious anger and sadness issues instead.

Edit: Just saw your post. Thanks for your support, emilp89.

that chicken penang would of been dumped over their heads.

UNACCEPTABLE behavior! Next time, get up and remove yourself from the toxic behavior.

NCOT that's rough, sorry things went so rough. My best advice, is if you see her and she's drunk then find an excuse to leave ASAP. Say something important just come up but you wanted to tell her in person, before you went, sorry, and leave.

My mom has an alcohol problem and when confronted she always denies it, she always claims she's had only 1-2 drinks, yet her speach is slurred and she shows obvious signs of being drunk. She's show up "barely stand on her own drunk" and needed my dad for stability at family events before, including a birthday dinner for my DW at a local restaurant. We've confronted her (DW, brother, and I) when sober on a number of occasions, she'll be good for a while and then fall back into bad habits. It's frustrating and heartbreaking. Dad's no help, he's an enabler who just wants everyone to be happy and hates confrontations or causing trouble, especially with her. She's often sober but late evenings not as regular.

Every family is a bit screwed up, without exception. I'd try to distance yourself from stressors whenever possible. You cannot choose your family, but you can choose when, where, and the circumstances in which you engage with them. See her when she's most likely to be sober, like in the morning or early afternoon for a nice cup of tea. Helping others is only possible when they truly want to help themselves, and that's true of your mom.

Dysfunction is still function, albeit not well. Families create and depend on their own personality to be that family.
Your mom's issues have obviously threatened the well-being of your family. The unfortunate part is that she probably won't change....you will have to learn more of how to change your reactions at the time, and then depend on others to help you vent your frustrations and support you separately.

It's always a white-knuckle ride with parents. I've had a few disagreements with family in a restaurant or during family gatherings.

Hang tough...from what I see, you've already made lots of changes and try to work through the stuff emotionally and mentally. That's the "work" part, and with some families, it's ongoing for usually the one person who sees what's going on, but wants to participate. Just know that it's not an all or nothing....the middle ground is the most difficult.

I just saw a tv program where one character stated "Of course your parents know what buttons to push....they're the ones who put them there in the first place".

q

NiceCupofTea - sending you (((hugs))) from NJ USA!

You have been through so much, I cannot imagine...
As far as therapy - here some therapists will allow for "sliding scale" fees - they base their fee on how much you can pay. Not sure if there is anything similar over there?
Another option might be to join a support group - sometimes here they have them through churches or community centers. It might be a great way to get some support and therapy and make new friends.

I agree you should distance yourself from people who cause you stress, if that is possible.
I know that over the past few years I have all but cut a few of these "toxic" people from my life in order to lessen my own stress and anxiety. You should not feel guilty for doing so, even though it is very difficult.

I am fairly new to this forum but I feel that everyone here has been so supportive, helpful, and kind.
At the very least, it helps to feel not so "alone".

Crikey how awful!!

I think I might know what the problem is with your Mother.....she sounds like a Narcissist!!! Take a look online. I discovered last year that was the problem with my Mother and that my father was the enabler!! And so reluctantly I have had to go "no contact" which I never thought I would do.

Narcissistic people feed off your pain; they like it! As sick as it sounds its the truth, and often in families, there is a scapegoat (the person that gets all the flack), and there is a favoured child. The problem with narcissistic people is that they are often charming to everyone but the person that gets the abuse, it is a devasting illness that they have, and very hard to recognise.

I am not suggesting "no contact" for you, I am just saying that might be the problem, and with alcohol in the mix, it is not good. And so as I said, I hope you will at least do some research online for this condition.

I tend to clam up in group situations, so...

Well you certainly don't clam up in this group situation, the HW forum. I hope you are just as outspoken in your therapy, you actually are quite bright.