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When to have "the talk" with a new girlfriend

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Ulcerative Colitis
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Posted 12/13/2007 12:03 AM (GMT 0)
I started dating this girl about 4 weeks ago, and two days after our first date I got diagnosed with UC.  We're still going out.

Obviously I've never done "the talk" before, so what advice do you have for "when" and "how"?  Thanks!

 

Posted 12/13/2007 12:24 AM (GMT 0)
From my past experience, an opportunity will come up in conversation all by itself. All I have ever needed to do is mention that I have UC and from there they do most of the work by asking questions.

My only advice is do a lot of reading and thoroughly understand UC for yourself first.

Best of luck mate!
Posted 12/13/2007 1:44 AM (GMT 0)
Well, I'm a woman, but I suppose it's the same "talk!" :-) When I met my boyfriend, I had the same questions, but I waited until I thought I really knew that I cared about him (about 4 dates) and then I told him that I wanted to be up front with him because I have a chronic illness called Ulcerative Colitis. He told me...."Well, everyone has something" and made it feel like it wasn't an issue with him and it never has been. He even went and researched it before I saw him again, and even researched the Remicade. One time when I was sick from the UC he let me lay on the couch all day and took really good care of me. It was sweet. And when he was sick, I took care of him. So it really all works out; remember we are all human, and most of us are caring....if that person isn't, maybe it's someone you wouldn't want to be with anyway?

Posted 12/13/2007 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
I resorted to telling women in kind of a casual way on my first dates. With 4 different women it was never an issue, they had questions etc. but I'm still with one of them 9 months later :-)
James
Posted 12/13/2007 5:31 AM (GMT 0)
Depending on the severity of your UC, it's up to you to decide how much of an impact you want to make . I usually just describe what it is. I don't get into graphic detail with symptoms, and I don't get into what it can lead to, becuase if I'm healthy today, there is no telling what tomorrow will bring, you could remain healthy, or flare badly, so focus on the now. I stick with a general description and how severly I have it personally.

Usually when I describe UC, I just say it's an issue with my gut, and say it's called colitis. Anytime you have a condition ending in "-itis"  it means that that part of your body is inflamed. Tonsilitis - inflamed tonsils, hepetitis-inflamed liver, pancreatitis - inflamed pancreas, colitis... inflamed large intestine. I explain that it's a chronic condition with symptoms occurring intermittantly, but it ain't going away short of a miracle of science. When I flare, I take cortizone. I also say (and again this depends on everyone's individual severity) that I could have it a lot worse than a lot of people. At the moment, it doesn't affect my life as much as it could. You'll answer some questions, and if she's understanding, and a realist, she will react the way Carol's mate did and say "everybody has something", which is the best answer you could hear. If you get pressed to explain symptoms, you could say that you get some pretty nasty cramps and that you will pass blood. That way the verbiage isn't too graphic..

Depending on your severity, this approach might not work. For my condition it seems to work just fine..

Posted 12/13/2007 5:36 AM (GMT 0)
Inflammed large intestine (aka: colon) col=colon, itis-inflammation...crohns-colitis= crohns affecting the colon, UC...ulcerative colitis.

:)
Posted 12/13/2007 6:37 AM (GMT 0)

pb4 said...
Inflammed large intestine (aka: colon) col=colon, itis-inflammation...crohns-colitis= crohns affecting the colon, UC...ulcerative colitis.

:)

I used the term "large intestine" instead of colon because, at least to me, when talking about colitis, the term "large intestine" doesn't present quite as strong of an "ass" connotation as colon does.  Maybe I'm wrong, but it's a careful choice of words

tongue  
Posted 12/13/2007 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
I started dating my husband when I was 24 and about 5 months in was when I was dx'd. I told him I had 'stomach issues' which at 24 I did not know how to really explain to him in a way that was comfortable for me (I was also in some kind of denial from then for about 7 years until this Sept when I went into a really bad flare) and so that is what I said, then later on that year of being dx'd I explained it to him as best I could and it was never really came up again until recently when I got very sick because as long as I took my class B meds I was fine.

I'd probably say now if I were dating someone that I have 'gut issues' if I thought it would come up b/c I got sick or something and sometimes may not feel well or be able to eat certain foods and if it got serious explain it then. I probably wouldn't say anything if dating casually and not in a flare.
Posted 12/13/2007 4:15 PM (GMT 0)
LOL cap'n colitis, that's funny...ya it's not hard to be over-sensitive to our wording is it...but that's funny. I've never really associated colon more to ass than large intestine I guess because I know they're the same thing and believe it or not so many people get confused about the 2 terms actually being the same organ. Now when we're taking rectoms, that's really hitting it close to "home" eh. LOL

:)
Posted 12/13/2007 6:14 PM (GMT 0)
Before you have sex since it could possibly be communicable..
Posted 12/13/2007 10:11 PM (GMT 0)

Harpo said...
Before you have sex since it could possibly be communicable..

Really?  That's the first I've heard of that!  Well, it's too late anyways, might as well keep doing it!  yeah

Thanks for the advice everyone.  I told her about it last night and it went great.  She was very understanding.  I focused on the manageability and pointed out that we've been getting along well even while I'm having a bad period.  It went fine.  I feel like 5 dates/1 month was definitely the right time.  It's not first date material.  But if you see the relationship possibly carrying on for more than a few dates you've got to do it sooner rather than later in a flare because it's going to affect you and they deserve to know.    

Posted 12/13/2007 10:18 PM (GMT 0)
Harpo...where you finding this info?

Hurray! Glad it went well. Aren't you relieved?!
Posted 12/13/2007 11:13 PM (GMT 0)

wolfsbro said...

  I feel like 5 dates/1 month was definitely the right time.  It's not first date material. 

yeah if you're talking about colitis right out of the gate, there are defintiely some topics that you've missed :)

" Hi! you look great tonight"

"Thanks! so do you!"

"So, how was your day?"

"Fantastic! I had my first fully formed stool in 4 weeks. No mucous either!! I'm so exci......wait, where are you going??"

 

(note to self, colitis convestion = bad first date material)


Posted 12/13/2007 11:51 PM (GMT 0)
LOL well that depends on the date...especially if they might have IBD themselves then you could go back and forth either bragging about your magnificant poops or who feels lousier.

:)
Posted 12/14/2007 3:20 AM (GMT 0)

pb4 said...
LOL well that depends on the date...especially if they might have IBD themselves then you could go back and forth either bragging about your magnificant poops or who feels lousier.

:)

Hilarious concept, especially the "if they might have IBD themselves".  I mean, how am I supposed to figure that one out on the first date?  Unless I meet someone on this flippin board.  Is there a ucharmony.com?  tongue    
Posted 12/14/2007 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
LOL! Thanks for the laugh guys.

P.S. - Per Harpo's post, UC has not been proven to be communicable. I believe he is referring to a study using mice that was posted here a few months ago, where the colitis was passed from a mother mouse to her babies through skin-to-skin AND fecal to mouth contact. But, I have not heard any research claiming that UC may be communicable in humans.

Here is a link to the study if you're interested: http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/press-releases/2007-releases/press10042007.html

wolfsbro - Lol - No UCharmony, but there is actually a dating site for people with IBD (UC and Crohn's) and IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome): www.irritatedbeingsingle.com I've never checked it out myself.

Posted 12/14/2007 3:34 AM (GMT 0)
I'm guessing nowadays the chances of one IBDer meeting another is alot more common than it used to be....I think out in public we're pretty easy to spot too...just look for people that have a frantic look on their face as they're dashing towards the restroom.

Maybe that's where IBDers/IBSers are suppose to meet...stalking eachother out near public washrooms???

:)
Posted 12/14/2007 3:47 AM (GMT 0)
HEEHEEHEE! Thanks for the belly-laughs, Cap'n Colitis & pb4. Who else but IBDers could understand the importance of a formed bm to daily life-- some of the truly caring GI doctors? You are way cool! / Old Hat (nearly 30 yrs with left-sided UC ... [etc.]) ALSO, congrats Wolfsbro on getting the explanation & timing right!
Posted 12/14/2007 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
Wow. IBS dating. God bless the internet. Fortunately I don't need a dating service right now, but if I did there is no way I would use that. I don't think IBS will be the first thing I look for to have in common with somebody!

Imagine an IBS couple getting into an argument:

IBS Girl: You're such a pain in the ass.
IBS Guy: You're an expert on that, aren't you?
IBS Girl: Ugh, you're so full of crap.
IBS Guy: No I'm not, I've gone 10 times today!
Posted 12/14/2007 5:15 PM (GMT 0)

cap'n colitis said...

pb4 said...
Inflammed large intestine (aka: colon) col=colon, itis-inflammation...crohns-colitis= crohns affecting the colon, UC...ulcerative colitis.

:)

I used the term "large intestine" instead of colon because, at least to me, when talking about colitis, the term "large intestine" doesn't present quite as strong of an "ass" connotation as colon does.  Maybe I'm wrong, but it's a careful choice of words

tongue  


 

Same here, I ALWAYS use the term large intestine because most people do not know that your colon IS your large intestine. And to me it's more embarrassing for some reason to say "I have a disease in my colon" than to say "My large intestine is diseased and ulcerated"

Posted 12/14/2007 10:35 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds nice to have someone sympathetic to my condition, but if we had the same thing, would we be fighting each other for the toliet?  Flaring together doesn't sound all that great, because you would hope the other person would help out, but you are both suffering.  But that's just me...
Posted 12/15/2007 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
Well you'd have to make sure if you lived together that you had at least 2 bathrooms...but there are plenty of IBD couples that likely live in harmony, besides, who can understang an IBDer better than another IBDer (or even an IBSer) and that makes for a strong foundation for a great and understanding relationship I think.

Of course, to each their own.

:)
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