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Posted 1/25/2009 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
I honestly feel horrible. My boyfriend decided to take a break from us due to my continuous "temper tantrums". I've been having more frequent outburts over the stupidiest and silliest things. I did not realize that I was doing more harm towards this wonderful man than good. He actually broke down yesterday after my stupid tantrum and told me to just go. We sat down and discussed everything. He wants a break from me and doesn't want to see me for awhile. He only wants to speak to me on the weekends. I just feel at loss right now. I barely ate yesterday and my nerves were shot. My uc is horrible. I can feel mucous and "stuff" coming out when I pass gas. Sorry to get too gross, but I don't know what to do. I am trying so hard to smile and take things day by day, but when I have time to myself, I think and overanalyze the whole situation.

I've decided to go back to my nutrionist and to also get help. MY boyfriend even recommened that I need to seek help. He said he loves me so much that he is truly torn and doesn't know what to do. I even know from my mother and a friend that he has an engagement ring. He has his own issues from his past that I will not disclose on here that I've accepted. I just wish we didn't need to take a break. I am honestly making myself sick, which I know isn't good for UC. I am really down, upset, and depressed...... confused

 

Posted 1/25/2009 4:33 PM (GMT 0)
Please consider discussing your moodiness with your physician. This is a frequent symptom of depression, and medication and counseling may be tremendously helpful to you. The rate of depression in people with chronic illness is very high. I've been on Zoloft for several years, and had a short course of counseling when I started it. I recently weaned myself off, and within a couple of weeks found myself getting irritable, so I went back on it. Apparently my brain still isn't able to produce the right chemicals. I feel much better, and less grouchy about everything when I take it.
Posted 1/25/2009 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
Both of you need therapy in some form...separately.

One thing...you are not the only one to get fixed or be responsible for the relationship to work out.
He shouldn't be the only thing to keep you going....you need to do it all for yourself so that you can make the right decisions for you...maybe eventually you'll realise he isn't right for you..or he is...but not at this point in time.

Are you able to use the Rowasa?

Meds for depression or anxiety will help somewhat, but really...someone who is impartial and will be able to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings will be an incredible freedom.

quincy
Posted 1/25/2009 10:48 PM (GMT 0)
I would suggest finding a counselor with knowledge of chronic illness and seeking their assistance and guidance individually and as a couple. In addition the demands of the illness you are also having to cope with side effects of medications. The entire situation with UC can be overwhelming and anxiety driven.

I would try to find a marriage and family therapist, as the life cycle stage you and your boyfriend are in is being altered due to the demands of UC and possibly his past experiences as well. When you have a chronic illness it is difficult to develop from one cycle to the next because our needs are different, as we must utilize support from family and friends during a time where there should normally be independence.

My husband and I were married one month when my initial flare happened, then we immediately became pregnant. So, we did have some pretty complicated struggles but made it through. I later learned that everything we experienced was completely normal for our situation...it was not fun...but normal. I was very sad during my last hospitalization and he just simply said that "this is our life". He's right. This is it. It's not ideal by any means...but it's our life. Our newest adventure will be my surgery, and we are extremely excited.

As for my individual emotions...I have to give credit to Paxil for allowing me the ability to be aware of my feelings. Before I was just overwhelmed and moody. I was super snappy and bitter. I had to force myself to be nice. So now I am able to take a break, calm down, and process my feelings before I say or do anything. I'd like to think I've come a long way. I've also started giving my husband special attention. I'll do little things for him that I had quit doing b/c I was moody and didn't feel well. So now I'll ask him if he wants a something to drink, I'll spend a little more time on our meals, I'll just do something that I know he'll appreciate. Which he does these things for me as well. We are constantly working on communication and emotional expression.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation and your relationship. You do need to take care of you so you can focus on your relationship with him.

: ) Robin
Posted 1/25/2009 11:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Robin,

Thank you for your kind words. I really hope things will work out with my boyfriend, but I know ultimately I have to work on myself. I hate to say it but I doubt I would've accepted that I have a problem if it wasn't for this. I have a tendency to be a perfectionist and to actually admit that I have a problem, its a lot. I am feeling very overwhelemed, lonely, and experiencing a lot of heartache. I truly wish I can go back into time and discuss with him further that we both need therapy together and separately. He does not want to speak with me at all except for one day on weekends. It really hurts. I haven't really been eating and been having more headaches than usual. My plan for tomorrow is to go to work, teach, and make all of my doctor's appointments. My best friend is having a baby in March and her shower is on the 7th. I've been trying to keep myself busy by finishing up the baby scrapbook. When I watch TV or sit alone, my mind starts to wander and I begin to cry. I am glad Paxil works for you, but I have a feeling my anger, bitterness, etc. is solely from personal issues that has been buried for many years and dependence on Fioricet. I am grateful for my friends and family. I feel lost and empty without him. I truly believed he is my soul mate and best friend. I didn't care what happened in his past as long as we are good to each other and move forward. I just don't know if this can be repaired.

You're very lucky to have a very supportive husband. My bf's main problem with me is that regardless of what he tries to do for me, its never good enough. For example, he would want to eat at a spicy restaurant and I cannot eat there. He would try to think of another restaurant that we can dine at where it will not harm my stomach. He tries to take my chronic illness into consideration. I am also hearing impaired from a deaf family. He said the fact that I have a chronic illness and hearing impairment has nothing to do with it. Its the way I have been treating him that got to him. All I want to do right now is to apologize and talk, but I know that is not what he wants. He wants a break, and I have to respect his wishes. So only time will tell.

Thanks again for your advice. :)

Heather
Posted 1/26/2009 3:59 AM (GMT 0)
Heather I am the LAST person who should be giving relationship advice... ( two failed marriages ). But on this one I think I can help. I think the break could be a good idea as long as it doesn't go on to long. I know for a fact a cooling off period would have saved both my marriages. We just never took one. Just don't let the break go to long or you might not get back to where you were. Whats to long? I don't know. LOL. A couple weeks maybe? Who knows. But sounds like you do need a cooling off period, both of you. Let each of you see what you are missing out on by not being together. Sounds like you might be coming to grips with that faster than he is. Which is okay, just don't give in on everything to get him back. It takes two to tango. He has made mistakes too, I'm sure. And who knows, it the time you're apart you might realize that there are better fish out there. My mom always used to tell my sister,..... you have to kiss alot of frogs to find that prince.
Posted 1/26/2009 4:29 AM (GMT 0)

This is just my humble opinion, but if you really want to be with this guy and get your relationship back on track, you've got to work on making yourself happy first.  The only reason I've had fights with my husband over the last year is directly related to my stress over UC and isolation from staying home from work.  These are my issues, not his; but I would end up making them his issues, because I would snap at him.

I have become proactive about resolving these issues, and he sees that and appreciates it.  I know that sometimes there is just nothing you can do to improve your UC symptoms, but always be looking for ways to make yourself feel better.  Whatever makes you happy, do as much of it as your UC allows.  I know it seems simplistic but I've found that the happier I am with my life, the kinder I am to those around me.

One last thing - I don't want to contradict anyone else's advice about anti-depressants, but make sure you learn about all possible side effects and the issues many people face when trying to wean themselves off of them.  I was prescribed Zoloft by my primary care physician, who told me nothing about any of this stuff.  I would never have taken it if I had learned of all the possible complications beforehand.


Posted 1/26/2009 7:27 AM (GMT 0)
I agree with all the advice on here...it takes time to get it sorted out.

I would suggest you lose the term soul mate and I wouldn't take the order to talk to him only one day a week...I wouldn't talk to him at all.

Make the break complets....maybe make an appointment to meet for coffee in a month and see if you're both on the same page.

My perspective....in the past I begged for affection....eventually learned my lesson about pride for myself.
If you carry the torch for him...you won't see what you have to learn about yourself.

I actually think you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit.   Trust yourself that you'll get through this.  Rejection is hard to take...I know it well.   Yes your heart is broken...it will heal eventually, albeit possibly with a scar. 

 

quincy

Posted 1/26/2009 7:28 AM (GMT 0)
iluvsunflowers15

I didn't read the other responses because it is late and I am exhausted, sorry for that. I am not much of one to give advice, as a general rule I don't do it but I wanted to respond as many have so you know that many of us do care. Hey, being sick is a darn drag, we can all relate to that, then going through a break up at the same time just makes it worse I guess. I don't know your age but I have been alive for almost half a century and I never would have made it this far if not for the people who constantly told me to "stop beating yourself up". Now, I am not saying that to you, all I am saying is what others have said to me. You sound like a very nice person and I bet there are a bunch of guys out there who would love to spend time with a kind considerate person such as yourself. I am sure that the advice people are giving you on this board is good. I will say a prayer for you tonight.

God bless...

DI
Posted 1/26/2009 7:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hi iluvsunflowers15,

It's good that your boyfriend expressed his feelings. Some people hold it in, and the other person never knows how that person feels until it is too late.

Sometimes people need space. It can be hard keeping a distance. Try to be patient.

Seeing a therapist or counselor should help. I wish my ex was willing to see a counselor when we were having difficulties. Maybe our marriage would not have broken up.

Relationships can get worse and they can get better. It is really what we make of them. Nothing is permanent.

I agree with Katie. Learn about all the possible complications before taking medication. I do take anti-depressants, but I, like many in my family, suffer from severe anxieties and depression. Some of my relatives have committed suicide or have tried to commit suicide. That's how bad it is.
Posted 1/26/2009 11:09 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all of your advice, everyone. I don't know how I can stand in front of the children today and teach. I guess I have to put a big smile on my face and act like everything is fine.

Quincy, I used the term "soul mate" because that is how I feel about him. He has done nothing but been supportive, kind, and sweet to me. However, I think my aggressions and anger has caught up to him. If the shoes were on the other foot, I would've done the same thing and asked for a break or just plain break up. He helped restore my trust and faith in men because I was married before to a man who verbally and emotionally abused me. It was an awful relationship and I refused to trust men. I honestly to god feel so much pain right now that I cannot think straight. It hurts a whole lot. Since Saturday, I've lost 5 pounds from all of this. I'm having a hard time sleeping, eating, and just living life.

How does a man who says that he loves me more than life itself go from saying that to saying he needs a break? I always try to be forgiving and acceptive or least discuss it some more. I felt it was his way or the highway. I feel so lost right now.

I am 30 years old by the way.

Heather
Posted 1/26/2009 11:20 AM (GMT 0)
     After following many different forums in here I have come to the conclusion that many, if not all, of us who suffer from UC are sensitive and somewhat perfectionists who tend to be very hard on ourselves.  This was me too and still is albeit not quite as bad as I used to be.  Guess I have mellowed out with age.

     I agree with everyone in here Heather.  For awhile I took Xanax for anxiety and it seemed to help.  This was when I was on prednisone and that does play havoc with your emotions, but I didn't see that you were taking it.  Have you ever taken Prednisone?  If you are starting to exhibit symptoms again of the ulcerative proctitis, which by your description of symptoms I believe you suffer from, start immediately on the rectal meds.

     I don't know what your arguements with your boyfriend center around but it does seem like some sort of miscommunication somewhere.  I am no therapist but I have been married to the same man for almost 40 yrs.  I didn't develop UC until ten years ago.  I thought my husband would get disgusted because it really put a clincher on our social lives.  However, he was and still is extremely supportive.  Hey, any guy who empties out bloody port a pots is an ace in my book.  I am the one who apologizes to him for our BORING lives when I am in a flare.  He keeps reminding me it is NOT my fault for this illness and to just try and stay focused on getting well.  That is what you need to do...focus on YOU.  I have been in remission since Nov 1st and savoring every minute because I know the UC can be right around the corner.  Last year I suffered the flare for seven months and that was tough....no socializing at all, but we got through it.  So remember, this too shall pass.

Posted 1/26/2009 11:30 AM (GMT 0)
I have been on and off prednisone for the past three years. I am also on fioricet, which is a migraine drug that has barbituates in it. I am wondering if this can cause the extreme mood swings. I've also lost 30+ in the past 6 months.

I love my guy so much that it really hurts. Its really hard for me to admit that I have a problem.

My mother is close with him also. She texted him last night to see if he was okay. My mother and I are really close as well. Brian (bf) considered my mother his since he lost his mother to breast cancer two years ago. He never responded back.

Also, before I left his house Saturday morning for our "break", I asked him if I should take my toliteries and stuff with me. He said yeah, you should. Before I left, he hugged me and said I love you. Also gave me a sweet kiss on the lips. I just don't understand it. He told my mom and best friend before all of this happened that he loves me so much. He even took me on a day on the town in NYC in December. he suprised me with a limo to and back. We ate at the view restaurant, saw the rockettes, etc. He doesn't make a lot of money and he still went out of his way to make me feel loved and special. He does this like this. So why am I doing this to him? I know I've been selfish and just plain rude lately. I just don't know why. It also comes in spurts. I am actually looking forward to seeing the therapist. I feel like I am losing my mind.

How can I take care of my UC when I feel down, depressed, and cannot eat that much?

Now I have to go to work and teach the kids. GREAT! Rather be in bed right now. I will check the thread at work during breaks.

Heather
Posted 1/26/2009 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
I agree wilth some of the previous posters. Your health is one of the most important things in life and you must focus on getting better. Forget all the other distractions in your life and do the things that will get you better whatever they might be - counciling, alternative medication, meds whatever. Do research, experiment, try new things only you have the power to help yourself and change if neccessary. If your boyfriend truely loves you and wants to be with you he will see that you are making an effort. Its really hard to admit or see your shortcomings but thats half the battle. None of us are perfect remember that. Im sure most people here can relate to your experience in one way or another. Be good to yourself you do deserve it.
Posted 1/26/2009 1:57 PM (GMT 0)
I wish there were something I could say or do to make this all better for you. However, you have to be the one steering the ship and making the crutial decisions.

Relationships and loves are the most exciting yet the most difficult aspects of our lives. I feel that you should give your boyfriend the space he's asking for, but make sure there are no games and you BOTH set the rules and guidelines. It is a wonderful sign that he has expressed his emotions to you, but now you need to really sort out your own emotions so you can relate back to him. I feel the best avenue you two should take is discussing your expectations of one another. This should be from who does the dishes to specific forms of communication. I would be more than happy to help give you guidance/suggestions if you would like to email me. However, I do feel that face to face counseling would be the most beneficial...and I am still working on my grad education, so I am not licensed yet. : ) I do counseling as my job, but just cannot bill insurance companies or do all the fun red tape stuff. : ) Darn. : )

Please let me know if I can help in any way...but I agree with the above posters that you do need to focus on your own needs and your wellbeing. Stress with UC can just make matter much much worse. I would suggest doing some things that make you happy. Surround yourself with your favorites...favorite sounds/music, aroma/scent (candle?), lighting...darkness or dim light, wear a comfy robe, pj's, sweats, lay in bed or on the sofa and relax. Think of your happy place...to meditate in your happy place first go there visually...look around, what do you see? Then what do you hear? Listen to what all is going on around you as well as what you are seeing...then smell...can you smell the air or whatever it is next to you? Then once you've accomplished those senses try touching something...this process should take anywhere from 10-30 minutes...try not to rush it. Once you're there and able to see, hear, smell and feel your happy place enjoy it. Mine is a river in Colorado that I spent much of my childhood playing by. : )

I hope you have a wonderful day.

: ) Robin
Posted 1/26/2009 2:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi puddle-duck and Robin,

Thank you for your kind words. I've thought long and hard after reading your posts that I cannot blame him solely for his actions on Saturday. He is a wonderful guy for me with his own quirks just like everyone else. I guess the shock and anger has not worn off yet towards him. All he said on Saturday was that he wants a break and will only speak to me on the weekends (Saturday or Sunday). I felt I had no say in the matter. I couldn't even fumble the words out because I honestly didn't know what to say. I couldn't defend myself because its been happening several times now. He requested me to get help a few months ago. I just ignored it. Why does it take a serious scare like this to make a person realize what they've been doing wrong?

Thanks Robin for all of your advice. I've been heading into my scrapbooking hobby and also plan to get into excerise again. I thought about doing kickboxing to get rid of tension.

I just miss being the old Heather I used to be. I believe I lost her after my divorce and never made the effort to get her back. Its definitely time to take matters into my own hands.

I know this sounds really childish but I removed all of the pictures of m y bf and me from my bedroom, keys, classroom, etc. I just couldn't go through the day with a picture of him staring at me in the face.

I hope in the end, things will work out for me and Brian. Only time will tell. I really do love him but like everyone has said including my parents: I need to love myself FIRST. I also want to find out why I have the anger outburts, etc.

Hopefully, in the end, it will be a learning experience for both of us. Only time will tell, right?

Thanks again. Robin- I will DEFINITELY e-mail you later today. If you want, my personal e-mail is on my profile. You can always write to me first and then I will reply.

Thanks!

Heather

Posted 1/26/2009 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
I think it's very important for women to never put all their eggs in one basket. You put so much of yourself into this relationship that you lost you. Women tend to do that; we tend to want to love and take care of others and forget about our needs. As you work on your temper and tantrums also try to look ahead and visualize a relationship that allows you to spend time with your significant other but also spend time with friends and activities that you enjoy. Don't compromise on those again, ever!

I think taking the time to work on yourself is important- with a therapist. You can never fully be in another good relationship until you understand your behavior and learn to manage those sharp edges. I also would choose not to talk with this man again. It will only serve to make you unhappy if every week you get a call from him. If you two are meant to be together it will happen on it's on course but to limit your communication to a weekly call is like pouring salt in an open wound.

Sue
Posted 1/26/2009 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
Just to add to Sue...it again is he who is controlling you.
I think removing the pics, etc are a good thing.

Hurting is normal....but you'll make it through it.

Pouring salt in a wound pretty much sums it up...and you'll be waiting for that to happen. And an I love you and a kiss before a boot out the door? very confusing. Please see the mixed messages and the possible control. Maybe your upsets and tantrums are what are telling you something more than what you're actually seeing. I buck at control....take a look in, and a therapist will help.
Do not beg...

Please let your brain take over from your heart.

quincy
Posted 1/26/2009 7:06 PM (GMT 0)

iluvsunflowers15 said...
How does a man who says that he loves me more than life itself go from saying that to saying he needs a break?

Perhaps he has enough perspective on the situation to see that your relationship is currently making both of you miserable. You've admitted you have personal issues and anger management problems and he's often unfairly bearing the brunt. From what you've said, he's tried to be understanding and supportive, but there's only so much most people can take before needing a break. You can love someone and still feel the need to protect yourself from an emotionally/verbally abusive situation.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe several of us - myself included - strongly urged you to get counseling and work on your issues the last time you had a major fight and posted about it. Have you sought help? If he sees you're making an honest effort to address your own issues - including improving your physical health - and to change, that you're willing to take a break and focus on yourself, he's alot more likely to come back around than if you act desperate and clingy while making no perceptible efforts to change.

As an IBD sufferer, your physical and mental health has to take top priority. You can be strong. You can and must work on yourself first. If he truly loves you, he's not going anywhere. If he can't wait for you while you get things together, then perhaps he's not the soul mate you thought he was.

Posted 1/27/2009 11:27 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your insights. The last time my boyfriend and I got into a huge disagreement, I never pursured therapy. I have my first appointment on Saturday. I met with my nutritionist yesterday. He thinks I definitely have some issues but it might be chemically related due to the UC. Honestly, I think its a combination of things. I am also meeting with a new primary doctor tomorrow. Its honestly scary, but liberating. After work today, I will be off to buy healthy groceries to go with my nutritional plan.

In terms of him being controlling, it has been the other way around. In a nutshell, I was the one who was controlling the relationshgip and wanted things done my way. I realize after going through this that if I ever want to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE, I have to get help and work on my issues. With him saying I love you before I felt, I really feel he was as confused as I was. He loves me as much as I love him, however, he is fed up with my emotional roller coaster rides as well as my anger issues. It upsets me greatly knowing that I've done something such as this to the man I love. I cannot focus on that right now. Like everyone has said on this board, my health is uttermost priority.

I agree with suebear that I need to focus on my happiness and do what I enjoy. I honestly love to scrapbook, read, and watch movies/tv shows. When I am home, I try to focus on those things. So, thank you everyone for your help and kind words.
Posted 1/29/2009 12:32 AM (GMT 0)
Nothing much is new. I have my first appt with the therapist on Saturday morning. I am honestly looking forward to it. I am meeting with the new primary doctor tomorrow. I already met with the nutritionist on Monday. He said it might be UC related (my outburts, anxiety, etc.). He also mentioned a chance of having OCD. Yikes! I spoke to a few people at work who have UC also and they've experienced the SAME thing as I have with the anxiety, obessiveness, etc. It helps knowing that I am not alone. I still have not heard from my boyfriend. As much as I miss him, I need the time to be alone and work on myself.

Heather
Posted 1/29/2009 12:53 AM (GMT 0)
Sounds like you are getting the help you need, that's terrific. I hope you find some peace.
Posted 1/29/2009 12:54 AM (GMT 0)

Stay strong, girl.  I know you'll pull through this.  I don't doubt that the psychological stuff you're feeling is related to UC.  I used to be a lot more laid back, but when my UC symptoms were really bad I was ALWAYS on edge and ready to blow up at anyone.  How could anyone expect anything less?  There is so much to worry about when you have UC, its no wonder we're all a little edgy. 

I honestly think its better that the boyfriend isn't around for this.  I know it probably hurts you a lot, but you're on the right track by focusing on yourself for a while.  I wonder what will happen when you start making yourself happy and don't need him to do that for you... hmmm... ;-)

Let us know how things go...

Posted 1/29/2009 12:58 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks. Will keep you updated. It does hurt that my boyfriend isn't around for this, but it is for the best right now. I know in my heart that we are meant to be but its not the right time now. Time will heal all wounds? :)

Heather
Posted 1/29/2009 1:02 AM (GMT 0)
Its like they say - if its meant to be, he'll be back. And if not, you'll get through it. We're here for ya!!
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